Cant Walk Away....

It was my first relationship and my last.

It wasnt love at first sight. but it definitely grew into something that consumed my entire being.

He was humble, caring, funny and most of all smart.... I wouldnt say he was a looker but because his mind was so beatiful I found everything about him irresistable. He was gorgeous to me and stimulated every part of my soul.

I loved being around him, so I always wanted to be with him. You know that saying too good to be true? sometimes thats how I remember him.... we were the exact opposites with alot of things, which balanced us out but sometimes.... we just clashed. Actually we always clashed all the time and it was over little things. It was my first relationship and I believe to this day I didnt know the mechanisms of making a relationship work. I was too young and naieve, and when we became really rocky after 2 and a half years together I thought I wanted to explore, that I would find something that wouldnt be so energy consuming..So i ended it.

Ive been a wild child eversince, going out making alot of new friends, getting hit on, enjoying the attention, even tried dating again but nothing feels right. Still hurts now thinking how good I had it, never knew what I had until I lost it, my heart still flutters when i see him around campus, I still get excited meeting him for lunch, I still cant wipe my grin off when he texts

Yes, he is still my friend. He asked me if I was up for a bit of friends with benefits but made it clear he didnt want me back which killed me. How did I let everything turn into sh*t?! Stupid thing is, I cant say no... he knows I can deny him nothing and now he uses me freely in every opportunity he gets. Im sure if he knew I still cry over him he wouldnt even care... He's changed so much since we ended.

In a way i am masochistic... I guess Im not really missing my first love... im just missing his love. I dont know how to revive myself, I can not walk away from him but it doesnt matter anyway... like Rihanna says "thats alright because I love the way it hurts" I miss his love so much I'll hold on to anything I can get...

lusciouskiwi lusciouskiwi
22-25, F
Aug 9, 2010