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I Ended My Emotional Love Affair With My First Love

I have been having an emotional love affair, this summer, with my first love  after he called me, after 30 plus years.  We have only talked on the phone, but he brought back all the love I had locked inside me since we parted.  He and I were meant to be soul mates and it was hard to stop our reconnection even though I knew all along it was wrong. I just wanted to feel the love I had lost so many years ago, We both are married with grown children. Everyday I lived for the calls we shared, but sneaking around continued to make me feel bad.Selfishly I was wishing we could be out in the open about talking, knowing that wouldn't be possible for either of us. We never talked about love, but made references to some of our past sexual experiences. and the emotions we had shared in our youth. He just made me feel so young and alive.  Maybe it was the fact that it was a secret just between the two of us, that made it more exciting. I was getting in deeper and deeper, feeling more guillty, scared of getting caught, but still holding on to the feelings we had so many years ago.  it seemed like I was addicted, and just could not go on with out talking. Today when he called we stopped our emotional love affair. The guilt was too much, because I was celebrating my 36th anniversary with my husband. My first love was the one who asked if I wanted him not to call. My conscience got the best of me and I said it was probably the right thing to do, and he said he loved me and I said I loved him too. My heart was breaking, and crying for the loss of my first love. I text him back, 36 years and I will love you forever ; save a place for me in your heart.  He text back "U are in my heart forever." Now I can't hold back the tears, and I feel so empty and sad. What was suppose to be a day of celebration for me, ended with me saying good by again to my soul mate. I really had a hard time trying to hold back the tears and to wear a happy face.. It is so difficult because I would love to be able to share with others my hurt, but I know what we had would be condemned by most, and so I must go on, trying to be strong, and carrying the love of my life locked away, and trying to make the best of the life I have made with my husband and family.  I know I will love and miss my first love forever.
dare2love dare2love 56-60, F 38 Responses Sep 1, 2010

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Thank you so much for sharing, my first love and I were 9 and 10 when we lost contact due to distance and he moved towns, we have been Facebook friends for about 5 years but only just this February started chatting and the reconnection was instant. I have kept a Photo of him along with a cute innocent childish love letter he wrote me back in 1984 and a pair of earrings he gave me. Our chats have become phone chats whenever we can. We're both married with kids though he has just recently separated. I know I am doing the wrong thing and I tried to cut it off recently but I just cannot let go and neither can he. I will see him in two weeks for the first time in 30 years. I am experiencing every possible emotion there is at the moment- ecstasy, happiness, intense love, guilt and sadness. Lucky he lives 600km away from me as I would not be able to control myself and an affair would be inevitable, I know that. Don't know what to do, feel like I'm in limbo. I have young kids and although I'm not all that happy in my marriage, my husband loves me and would do anything for me. I'm overjoyed at our reconnection and miserable at the same time. He feels the same way. What do I do?

my first love found me on facebook after 33 years when we were teens we fell in love and he hurt me badly by cheating on me with my best friend I have been happily married for 30 years as has he I did not respond still upset over what happened all those years ago i just responded that I was married and that I forgave him for the past. He said the rest would be up to me I made up my mind that there would be nothing else once a cheat always a cheat he was doing the same thing to his poor wife that he did to me all those years ago

I'm late in responding, but I'm sure you made the right decision. I was lucky that things ended before we really hurt our families. As the saying goes love the one your with, and I'm coming up on our 40th anniversary this year.

you made the right decision in ending it how did you break up in the first and how did you end itPlease reply with authenticity, support, and respect

This first love haunts us and we won't be able to concentrate on other things. I don't know where it ends

I agree 100% I hVe trouble thinking about anything but my childhood love at the moment which is a real nightmare as I have a family, a job, I'm studying but all I can think about is a future with him :(

we come to this earth only once. do we truly live for us. what if we die tomorrow carrying all the emotions in a incomplete state. I too don't understand which is right and wrong.

Absolutely, I'm so torn, do I do the right thing and stay in an unfulfilling life for my kids or do I ultimately do what my heart is telling me I should be doing? If kids weren't in the equation it'd be a lit different but they are my priority.

what u did was right but in my case even though I stopped calling him he calls me and make me feel guilty

That must be hard for you. I haven't talked to mine for two years, but I think of him often. I'm not sure things would have stopped had his wife not found out. We actually continued talking for about the next 4 months. If you are married you might try telling him that you don't want your spouse to find out, and it would hurt you very much if they did. One of the things that keeps me from calling is the wife finding out and calling my husband. I really don't want to hurt my family, and for that reason, I know things worked out for the best. It's a difficult decision, but you have to do what you can live with!

Did you still say away from him..I am in a similar situation

No, I ended up calling him again, and we continued talking for about 6months. We had planned to meet again, but that never happened because his wife found out about us, and without an actual ending he ended it with me. I really understand, because I was never prepared to walk away from the family I have. It was really painful and difficult. I still think of him often and contemplate calling, but I know that it won't help either of us. Too many people that we would hurt. I still think one day maybe the timing will be right and we will meet again.

I think you all are selfish. I have been the "wife" of a man who contacted his HS sweetie. And we had a three week old. Finding out about it was not only devastating, it ruined her family and mine completely. We all fell apart. My daughter never had a chance for some selfish desire to go back decades to a life you should have picked but DIDNT...or perhaps you shouldnt have picked. . .you are decades away from some young love memories--would it be the same? Really? Come on! Homewreckers...truly . I have a HS sweetie but I would not disrespect his current life with my past emotions and memories. They are memories for a reason. You all are shameful...honestly. You hurt? What about your partners who have stood by you for decades who you betray...emotional affairs can be far deeper than physical ones...what about your family? Your honor? Give me a break...you are hurting everyone else with your selfish desires to relive a time that is NO LONGER.

Always two sides to a story, and I respect yours!

I agree, I lost my first love due to our age and circumstances, it wasn't a choice, it was love interrupted and we still have that unbreakable bond. It's heart wrenching because we know we can't be together.

Often those of us parted with first loves because of timing, family and other outside issues. I think it is completely reasonable for someone to still find they have a connection to a first love, sure it isn't the same, but the connection and personality you were initially drawn to was still there. And if you truly and authentically loved them back then why would you not love them in a certain sense now? I think it is funny that we just assume that we can love multiple children however somehow someone cannot possibly be in love with more than one man at the same time. I think it is perfectly normal to still have those feelings some place in your heart, even 25+ years later.

Back 23 years ago I had been dating a young man, whom I had a tremendous friendship and intense chemistry with. At the time he was in the midst of a deep family crisis. His mom was an alcoholic, his parents were going though a divorce and he was struggling with his sexuality and contemplating becoming a priest. Though we dated for years he was distant emotionally and physically, and under the strain of all of this the relationship did not last.

After many years he finally dealt with his issues and he expressed deep regret and through our conversations (which were rare) it was clear that we had the same chemistry and banter that we used to and I am certain that if we were both available something could have happened again. I think if you truly love someone unconditionally there is always a place in your heart for them.

I agree. Stop contacting past lovers until you are divorced. It's nothing but an ego boost and a fishing expedition.

You should put the same effort into your marriage as you do into contacting past loves. If you can't work out your marital issues, divorce and then move on. Why is this do hard?

You are not doing anyone any favors by staying with your spouse while chatting with a past love.

If they cheat on their spouse, they will cheat on you . I've seen it many times.

Divorce first and then rekindle your love.

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That is me - we broke up 34 years ago and after my marriage fell apart I contacted him to find he lived 10 minutes from me with his wife and children. Within a couple of conversations he brought up in vivid detail how we would make love, what it felt like, what I was even wearing. I had always been in love with him and now I knew it even more. We met twice and talked the first time but the second time he took me in his arms and kissed me so passionately. It took me back to being a girl again and I loved it. After a week or so I told him we had to stop what may be about to happen and we didn't speak for some weeks. I felt like I had lost my best friend Then again we caught up on messenger and the same memories were brought up. I feel like I am having an affair as I have a lovely boyfriend who knows nothing but I know that I can never love him as much as my first love. Our conversations become so intense I feel like I have cheated. I think about him constantly and wonder if he thinks about me - obviously to some extent he does. Would we be able to make a go of it if we were free to give it a chance? I don't actually think so but my heart aches sometimes and the memory of him kissing me recently and how tenderly and passionately he kissed me haunts me

Our first loves really bring up some strong feelings that are hard to fight, even knowing that you shouldn't be feeling that way, but you just can't forget someone that is in your heart forever. I know exactly how you're feeling, and hope you can make peace with it. I'm sorry mine ended, but both of us had alot of people in our lives that would be hurt. I still miss him, and think of him often, and probably always will. Still hoping that someday we will at least meet again. Always thinking when our lives are rearranged Maybe!

That's the thing I think, if it's meant to happen our lives will in time be rearranged so that it can

I really feel for you. So exciting, but such an emotional time, because we know all the people that we can hurt. I'm not sure what would have happened if his wife hadn't found out before we met. He called it quits, and I've had no contact for almost 3 years. I still think of him often, but I've made peace with it. I'm trying to enjoy what I have, and I hope that he is happy with his family. Just so many emotions. This week one of my friends lost her first love. They were not together, but had kept in contact over the years. I hope that I get to see mine before it too late. Wishing you the very best!

I was thinking of your story this week as I know in my heart that I need to let go of my fl...for now....and I'm trying so hard to make the best of my situation and love and appreciate my life, and I do. My fl and I reunited a month ago after 30 years...it was amazing and emotional and I didn't want to let him go... He felt the same way :( but the time is not right for us right now and may never be, I just need to accept that but this pain in my heart and my love for him will be there forever. I don't know why but I imagined recently how I'd feel if I lost him and how I wouldn't be able to grieve as my husband would wonder what the hell was going on...what a bizarre thought, but that's the depth of feeling I have for him, I can't stand the thought if him not being on this planet....anyway, life goes on and I need to get on with mine without him....he is the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake. We were only 9 & 10 when we met but true love is enduring and never ever dies.

I am on the same boat, I will see my first love in 2 weeks for the first time in 30 years, since we were 9 and 10- we are both married though he is separated and like you our initial chats started as "hi how you going" and within what felt like 5 minutes became "I love you and I want you"....I'm soooo nervous about seeing him but can't wait at the same time just to be in the same room as him for the first time in so long...I know a big part of our obsession with each other is the fact that we experienced such a magical time in our lives together and with all the pressures and reality of adult life I guess we are each others escape.

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These posts are amazing and insightful. My FL broke up w/ me and I was devastated. He went on to marry a person that he got pregnant and at times wanted me back but I refused out of respect for his child and for her. Problem is, neither one of us ever fell completely out of love. Everytime we run into each other, it is obvious that we would have gotten back together if I would have just said yes to him that one night when his baby was almost a year and he wanted out. I said no out of respect for his union and his child. My FL and his wife have had a long marriage and a second child and I think a good life, but we are still in love. I married too, have been for a long time and have two of our own. My spouse is wonderful, but gone a lot and that really makes things worse. We both won't mess our marriges up for our kids, but I wonder sometimes if truth is better known. If my spouse's real love is out there somewhere, I'd want him to be w/ her. Maybe it is me? I say maybe because he is not very emotional or talkative and just seems content all of the time. I am buddist and believe that we have to look out for others' feelings before ours and that will in the end give us the greatest pleasure in life. I also believe that we have another life to take care of unfinished relationships in this life and I know this will happen for me. We have also made an agreement that we will go to each other if our current marriages don't stay together in the future. The post in re the melancholy helped me the most and I think that may really be a big part of all of this.

In my heart i believe we will meet again when the timing is right!

Yes you will, I believe the same if my fl and I

are they playing with us or what. my fl calls me frequently

Yes We all play with you. It feels good to know we can make you desire us still. We aren't leaving secure homes for you and if we did, we would still be looking for the other one that got away. Everyone wants to be a winner. Just respect the decisions you have made. The fl wasn't really ever a saint or your soulmate. If so you would have made it work.

First honest answer I've read. Thank you. Everyone lives an ego boost.

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I have been feeling the same... I keep ending my emotional affair, but he keeps coming back. When I remember the way he makes me feel, my heart breaks. Your story is so close to my story. I wish there was a manual on matters of the heart...

I get it, I tried to recently end my emotional affair and although I am in emotional despair half the time I just cannot let go.

excellent Disc<x>ription, an Emotional love affair, I know exactly what you mean.

I can relate to every word written here. Me and my first love lost a baby together at the age of 17 and thinngs where just too jard at that age for us to process and due to family pressures we were forced apart always knowing we would love each other. I met someone else and told him i had to move on then as life went on he too married and moved overseas. 17 years since our last goodbye we are again in contact. He is now in the middle of a divorce and me a semi happy marriage. We met a few weeks ago and it was amazing and wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time. The scariest part is the love is still there on both parts. He is flying back in a few weeks and we are going away for a night together and thatsonly gona lead to one thing but icant seem to help it or want to stop myself. I know i am happily walking into a whole load of hurt but i love him and he is the same but i also know that getting together just now is not an option. Maybe we carry on with our meetings every time he is in the uk for a few years then see where our lives are at. All i know is that for now we chat for ages every day he makes me happy in a bitter sweet way and it will end in hurt but i cannot stop.

I totally understand where you're at with your first love, and wish you much happiness. Sometimes you have to seize the moment.

I get this totally, i will see my fl in two weeks for the first time in 30 years and we are both basically open to anything, as in your situation he is recently separated and I Sm in a semi happy marriage, I never, ever dreamed I'd be capable of getting myself into this situation but the love is still there as strong as ever and I will never ever get over him, we cannot be together either right now so like you I think we just need to catch up when we can which won't be often as he lives in another state which I guess is a good thing

Gosh, I found this thread really moving. I am also in an emotional affair with my first love and I so want to believe in happy endings, but I know this is sentimental rubbish. He is in the military and away a lot, but he wants us to meet up this summer - if I do - i know he wil become an adulterer and I don't know if I can do that. Speaking with him on the phone is unbelievable - it is as if our 20 year hiatus never actually happened, but as soon as he goes away and I can't speak with him I feel like he is cheating me or I am being used. Having said that, he texts me at least once a week and emails regulaly, so I appear to be in his thoughts, but that should be where his wife is and I am conflicted. Part of me wants to pursue him with all my might and part of me wants to walk away, but he is like my addiction! My husband left me for some other woman and I was broken but I recovered and feel better than ever and so I don't know what to do? It is so hard.

It is like an addiction, I am SOOO addicted to my fl, I just can't let go...

Thanks so much for the comment! Driving home from work I took out my phone and thought about calling, but down deep I know it is useless, but I still miss him, and I hope he still thinks of me some days. I'm sure he is enjoying getting to be with his last son his senior year, after working away from home for so many years, and maybe he and his wife have had a reconnection. I truely believe she trapped into staying by having the last son. It's funny the timing was about the same time he called me about 17 years ago. His daughter has my name as her middle name, ( also his wife grandmother name) but I don't think I would have given my daughter that name if I knew it was connected with a past love, and his daughter and I both share the same birthday. How funny is that! Good luck with you reconnection, it was one of the most exciting times of my adult life.

glad to come across this experience as its always comforting to find similar experiences .. i met my FL and we have been communicating..and i guess its an EA ! .and i know it will not be easy to end it...<br />
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dare2love- i am 100% sure he misses you too.. And with this complicated life of families- there is always a choice to be made at certain time.

Just curious, how did it all turn out...it looks as if it's been over a year since the last post. I have also been reunited with my first love over 2 years ago. We haven't seen each other, just messaged and talked on the phone as we are 3000 miles apart from each other. We are doing the no contact and it is killing me. I miss him terribly. I just keep telling myself, if it's meant to be, it will happen.

I ended up calling and we talked for about another 3 months and were planning on meeting at Christmas. He was living away from his wife and family at the time working. When he went back home for Christmas I think his wife found out and he cut off all communication with me. No good bye no nothing. I realy can't blame him because neither of us wanted to hurt our family, but I think it would have been easier to accept if he had told me good bye. Now it's been over a year, and I was weak a couple of times and text but with no response. It is a little easier now, but I think of him everyday and still wish we could at least talk, but I know I would hate it if my husband knew about him also, so I guess it's just the way it should be, but I know from experience it's not goind to be easy, and you're going to shed alot of tears. Hugs! message me if you ever want to talk.

I'm living proof that there is an endless supply of tears that's for sure.
My husband knows as he found out when I forgot to log out of my facebook account. He found out over a year ago and is still suspicious, even though he has a right to be.
Just two weeks ago, my first love messaged me and said that he was going to be in my town for a party that was taking place but he would only be here for that one night so we planned on seeing each other. But his job took on other plans and he needed to be somewhere else. I was so looking forward to this visit. It has been 22 years since I have seen him. I'm not exactly sure what it is I was hoping to gain...maybe closure. Or quite possibly the opposite. I don't know.
I have not heard from him since and whenever I want to message him, I type to him but then delete it...because deep down, I know it's the right thing. But it's not because I want it this way.
I know this man will forever hold a place in my heart.
Thanks for listening

Can't tell you how many messages I have typed and at the last minute I delted it. I don't know if it's the fear of rejection, or the fear that I will mess up his life. I just know I still miss him.

I hear you, although sometimes I wonder if it's the opposite of rejection that I fear most because when he told me that he has always loved me, that's when it hit me hard and all the memories or our time together as teenagers came back. Perhaps, when we reconnected, if things were not said maybe it wouldn't be so hard. There was really no reason for our parting back then except that what I was feeling for him were feelings that I hadn't felt before and everything that was happening between us was becoming overwhelming for a girl of 16...so I walked away. The worst mistake of my life.
For you, I have to say that I bet he still misses you and thinks of you more than you know...he was just being the stronger one...and not because he doesn't love you...it's quite the opposite.

" I think it would have been easier to accept if he had told me good bye." It may have been easier for you, but perhaps it would have been too painful for him. Maybe he just can't bring himself to say good-bye. Saying good-bye is final and permanent. He might be thinking that if he never says good-bye then the door is still open and that provides him comfort and hope.

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I know where you are and how you feel because i am there now. I lost touch with my first love about the same time i got married 22 years ago. I married a good man who has been kind and loving to me. And we have had a nice marriage. We have issues, but on the whole life has been good. But i never got my first love out of my mind. We found each other back a year ago and all of those feelings came flooding back. We have stopped talking several times out of respect for our partners but we always seem to fall back into the phone calls. I do not know where things will go. Honestly i am not sure where i want them to go. But i do know that i understand the comment made by one of my clients. A woman who was divorcing after 40 years of marriage. She said " i can not die married to this man." She had stayed for the kids, gotten them thru school, college, marriages and jobs. And she said it was now time for her happiness. I never want to reach that point. That level of despair. Is my happiness with my first love? I do not know for sure but i do know that on my darkest days he makes me laugh, he lets me cry, and he always promises to be there. Follow the wisdom of your heart. Someone is getting hurt no matter what decision you make. And for now you are the one living in pain. I know, i share it.

Thank you for commenting. At least I know I'm not alone. I have hadno contact with mine for about 8 months now. I long to call him to see how he is, but in the end his wife found out he had been talking to me, and so I think to keep his marriage together he has shut the door. His last son is graduating this year, and he had worked for years away from his family, and so I am happy for him that he will get to be there for his son. I still hope somedayt!!!!

wow... what a painful story....there must be a reason your first love came back to you. I am sure he gave you something you needed, but now it is time to take what he gave you, hold it close and dear to your heart, and let it make your life better...<br />
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My heart aches for you...God wants to help you, I'm sure of this, he always wants you to feel the love, so start looking for it everyday, in every small thing that you see, then you will see how much you are loved....

Thank you all for sharing your stories....I've been in a EA with my first love for 3 years now....We are both married to people we truly care about and have children...We would never hurt our familys period...But at the same time after being out of touch for over 20 years and thinking of eachother all that time the thought of letting go again is out of the question...For me I feel a inner peace knowing how she is doing instead of wondering about her and being able to reach out via email to say HI makes living without her a bit easier...I feel like something that was missing has been found....Thank you all for making feel like I'm not alone...

I'm glad you have been able to stay in contact with yours. I think we would have continued had his wife not found out. I still think of him daily, but I would not want my husband to find out either. For now I guess I will continue living the life I have, and wishing I could be with my first, or like you at least know how he is.

I can relate to your experience. I'm crying as i'm reading this. He's married with 3 kids and i'm married with 3 kids as well. We got re-connected about 3 weeks ago by facebook. He is my lost love and i'm his lost love too. We live in two different country. He'll give up anything but his kids just to be with me. He told me he'll never leave me even if i leave him. He'll wait for me even if it's for a life time. He doesn't care. He'll wait until i' m ready.<br />
Appreciate for sharing your story! Pls be strong....

I can totally relate to your story...just ended an EA recently and I can't stop thinking of the "what if's" - Trying to figure things out. Some days I am okay and other days I just want so much to contact him..Wondering; Is he thinking of me too, does he really want to be with me...knowing that it is not meant to be...(I guess at this time)..I just feel emptiness from him not being in my life and not being able to share things..Hoping time will heal this pain.

would give any thing to be able to go back just for a day and be with her and her mother just so her mother could release me from my promise to never try and kill my self again

I understand more than I can say. You are a remarkable woman! I dont believe its wrong. I believe in God too and I do not for one second count what you did as "wrong". I think it would have been wrong to pass the chance up to be with him again. I know the feelings- the guilt, not wanting to hurt your family, but the exhiliration, the true love as well. Sometimes we have to let go of someone we love so much, who loves us the same way. It just is not going to happen. As hard as it is to let go, you have to so that you can stop feeling torn inside. God understands and is ready to help. Just remember, if you set love free, truly set it free, if it comes back it will be yours forever. What is meant to be will be. Trust and be strong.......my heart is with you.

Love2day..with time the heart will heal..I know its hard to believe..but time is the only thing at will heal a heart!! I am here for you always!!

I wish that I had let our emotional affair end this way, instead of letting my heart take control and trying to make something work, that was doomed from the beginning because neither of us are available. At least it was a real ending. Now I am in the position of a big question mark, and my heart left open wondering did you ever really care.

Thanks for your comment. Over a week ago he called and told me don't call or text because his wife finally came to see him after he was having severe back trouble. She was to stay a week, but that time has gone by and i still haven't heard from him. I really feel so out on a limb. i know I should not be with him, but I'm not sure i can end it without saying good by, but if he doesn't call that's what he is saying. Now I feel so foolish for believing in his feelings for me. I had asked him if he didn't want to talk anymore that he would at least tell me. He said he wouldn't do that to me so I don't know what to think, my mind keeps trying to make since of it all, and i am extremely sad, and i guess that is what i deserve getting mixed up with him

If you had a loving relationship with your husband, I would say that you are doing the right thing. However, your children have grown, and you describe no love for your husband, rather physical and verbal abuse.However, it sounds like he also doesnt want to leave his family.You both should make a choice - either committ to each other properly and face the consequences or stay with your other halfs and leave each other alone. You wont be able to move on from this half-way house - how can this current course of action sit well with your beliefs?

you did the right thing but not talking to him anymore.. im sure it's difficult.. but you are paying the price of doing the right thing.. even if it hurts.. feelings come and go and change but it's honesty and integrity that last a lifetime.. God bless!

I ready your post and what I can tell you is that what I see moved in my case was called: melancholy, all though the English definition isnt' what I refer to. You see your life, all that has happened and your mind wants to go back to a time where it was extremely happy. When your first love came in to your life again, that door was opened and it triggered so many feelings and emotions from before of who you were before, how you felt before and it can be like an addiction as you stated before. I went through all of that. I did not realize you are christian, I am too. I belive that you have to pray hard, ask God to intervene because you can't do this alone. Ask GOd to do whatever it takes to set you free because it is wrong. If your current husband has changed, praise God and give yourself 100% as that is God's will. Love is having to let go for the love of as well. I hope that it all works out for you and I pray that God brakes this bond so that you can be fulfilled.

Afterr 21 years I'm still in love with my first love. I only recently gave him up and I literally cry everyday and fight the urge to pick up the phone and call. I understand your pain....I've been there.