I`m Afraid..

First of all I need to say that your stories make me cry, for your sadness as well as your happiness.

And second.. I am not high of age, I turn 26 in a few months, nor have I as much experience in life as many of you. Some of you might say I`m still just a baby, but that does not mean my feelings or pain ain`t real to me.
My story might be a little well detailed as this is my way of telling my story.
I met my Mr. X when I was 17 and he about 25. We were both visiting a friend we had in common. That same night I had a strong dream about him. When I was almost 19 we got together and stayed together for two years before I ended our relationship. Not because I didn`t feel for him anymore, but because I was young and felt the need to get some experience in life on my own, I was bored and depressed. It didn`t take long before I realized my mistake, but he was on his way in a new relationship and so did I.
Midst in my relationship with Mr. Y I got reconnected with Mr. X. We met and when he held his arms around me there was no one else than him and me in the whole world. Needless to say perhaps, but we had a short affair.
At the end of our affair he wrote to me that he loved me. Not still, but again for who I was and for the person I had become.
A few days after his girl found out about our affair and told him to choose. He chose her. In a way I can understand as she had two kids he loved very much. But I was still crushed.. I cried and cried almost every day for over a year.
Meanwhile I tried to stay happy with Mr. Y who was really a great guy until he dumped me after 3 years together.
A week after our break up Mr. X connected with me again. We wrote to eachother for a while, but he didn`t want to meet with me as he had started dating a new girl and wanted to see where it could end and he knew his feelings for me were still there.
One morning I was told I had cried Mr. Xs name while sleeping and telling him how much I loved him, more than anything in the world.
Since Mr. X wanted to see the path of his newborn relationship I chose to write him an email explaining that I couldn`t be waiting for him and needed to go on with my life. 

As far as I know he is still with this girl. Even if I`m in another relationship for a year now he still take my breath away. I saw him and his girl together at a mall a couple of months ago. As I saw him I felt my entire body starting to shake, my knees went weak and for some very long seconds there were no one other than him. I totally blocked out the sight of his girl and everyone else as well as the voice of a friend standing right in front of me talking. He still takes my breath away like no one else.

I`ve been having regularly dreams about Mr. X all these years. In every dream we try to or do get back together and we both want to. Some days I even still cry for our love. And there is not one day that goes by without me thinking about him and missing him. Not because our time together was so good, believe me we had our bad times too, but because he is who he is. And I don`t believe there is anyone more right for me than him or anyone I can love as much or more than I love him. Well of course, I`m still young and anything can happen, right?

I am so afraid I will wake up in 30-40 years with my heart in pieces still missing him, longing for his touch and loving him like I have never loved...
lilithyouknow lilithyouknow
22-25, F
3 Responses May 4, 2011

Hi guys.<br />
Just want to say I like your comments and your thoughts. Had it a bit rough with family tragedies lately so I`ll get back to you when my head is back on track.<br />
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Just want to say, Queenofdragons, it was not his biological kids. She had them with another guy before she met Mr. X.<br />
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Thank you all.

but that is still a chance as you love is still alive

You can never have a love exactly like the first one. I think that comparing two loves does a disservice to each. One is different from the other rather than one being better than the other.<br />
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If I were you, I would think about the reasons behind your reaction to Mr. X. What was it about the relationship that induced such feelings in you? If you can isolate those causes, you can then focus on finding those things in someone new. Mr. X is a safe fall back because you KNOW he has those things without you having to figure out what those things are.<br />
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I feel for you. I went through 12 years of varying degrees of emotional pain after my first love was taken from me before we could even have our first kiss until I found my wife. There is no fun being stuck in the middle of that, wondering when, or even if, that pain will end. I can tell you that if it does end, the joy is sweeter than anything you can imagine right now.