Too Little, Too Late?

I was living in France at the time that I met him. He was the 'new guy' and was one year under me. Although we had mutual friends, it took Axel and I 1 whole year to actually meet, and when we did, I guess you could say it was puppy love. We were both 15, young and foolish and careless about the world. We were the "lovey dovey couple". By the time we were officially an item, Axel had been expelled from school, so every day, I used to bribe the supervisors with a 'bueno' to let me out. We would sit under the shelter watching the rain and hugging to keep warm. We kissed, but that's as far as either of us could go. He'd walk me home whenever he could too. I was heartbroken when I had to leave France, and we tried to make it work for 3 months after-keeping in touch on the phone and through the net. We'd sit up sometimes for 2 days straight no sleep just talking via msn. We just got along, without having to ever try. It's like we fit.The distance was far too much for us the handle and we went our seperate ways, amicably.
I never stopped loving him though-not for a moment-I didn't ever bring it up to him- but I always wondered where we would be if I had never left. He never left my thoughts, but I learned to just deal with it. I stayed away from relationships because everytime i would get into one I'd realise I was still madly in love with him, and I couldn't do a thing about it!
3 years later, I met Troy, a nice man-I thought-who seemed genuinely interested in me. I didn't really love him though. A few months later came a proposal. I figured 'why not, perhaps I could learn to love him, and perhaps he could make me happy'. It was foolish to think Axel and I could ever make things work. They were childhood dreams that were no shattered.
I got married in a dreadful celebrant, and I stopped talking to Axel. I really wanted to make things work. Slowly the thought of him became less painful, but I still thought of him a lot.
So my marriage has failed now just before my 2 year anniversary (yes for those who have been following my stories, I applied for a divorce last week), and I was on Facebook last night (good old facebook) when I thought of Axel. I felt stronger, and I figured I could now talk to him and not feel anything. After all, it had been 2 years since I last spoke to him. I had accepted that our romance was the past, it was long gone, that we both had out grown it, but I could still think of him fondly. So I decided to tell him how I had been feeling the last few years. Everything. Like a drunken harper -.- My mistake. I ended my little story with:
"but it's all crazy talk anyways. It can't work between us, and I've accepted that." His response?
"And why not?" I answered that even if I went to visit him, I couldn't stay there forever (I guess I could but it's a hassel), and he replied, quiet casually mind you,
"I could always marry you." Then began blurting out his side of the story to how much he's missed me, thought of me (etc). Brief, it was messy.
You know 'The Notebook' when Ally finds a picture of long-lost Noah in the paper and faints? Yepp. Same story here. I dropped. I didn't faint but my legs refused to support the weight of my upper body. My stomach churned. It was a big shock. After i felt better I told him to stop being stupid and that after one failed marriage I wasn't looking forward to going through it ever again. He came up with a good deal. I visit for 3 months. If everything is ok, I extend my visa to 6. And the rest we'll figure out from there. I have yet to take up the offer, because I'm scared we won't like what we'll find. Yet at the same time, I know my whole life if I don't go I'll wonder 'what if' every night. I spoke to a good friend of mine. She had a good point. She asked me what the worst thing that could happen was. I told her I would come back more shattered than what I am now (due to my failed marriage). She looked me in the eyes and said "do you think that is even possible?" I guess she had a point...I'm not saying if I go I'd take away his life and marry him. I'm not saying I won't. I just miss him. I want to see him again. Hear his voice. And the rest? Well I'll leave that to fate...
amwaldorf amwaldorf
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 6, 2011

Damn girl....<br />
<br />
I´d do it in a heartbeat!<br />
<br />
It´s been 20 years since I broke up with ´him´. I married a nice guy, I could have done worse. Well, actually things between me and the Hubs actually not so good....<br />
<br />
I still long for ´him´...20 years later. It is torture! Get it out of your system so you won´t be haunted the rest of your life.<br />
<br />
And I love France. Just walking through the Carrefour is a treat!