I Broke It Off -20 Yrs Regrett - He Found Me!Well here is my story I had been dating him and was engaged . I met him when I was 18 he was 27 wasnever an issue with friends or family . We spent 3yrs together I lived with him on and off from school. I loved him dearly and for some stupid reason I broke off the engagement and dated this guy I met at school . thinking the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. From the very day I broke it off I was a emotional mess. iwould cry myself to sleep each night. Even when I was like that I was fight myself saying I couldn't go back toohio,m no valid reason just because immaturity. He wasalsocompletely crushed and heart broken all I can recall is his blood shot eyes from crying . That was October come February I tried to call him he asked whyi waited so long he was already in a relationship . I back peddled and didnt push. Everyday abd every night goes by and regrett and pain crying continues. College ends and I goto pick up some things I left6 at the house thopingtomaybe get to talk to him. He greets mewith a box and tells me I cheated on him and there were letters I sent him at that time. He said he got a phone call from that guy I dated--- never found out what was said and didn't care it was a lie. I left that day in tears. I knew then the love of my life was slippingthrough my fingers and I couldn;'force him to take me back. I never stopped dreaming ofhimor thinking of him. He was always in my thought and ptayers. Fo the past twenty years I have lived with this heart ache and suffering the pain so deep.I have crted ny self to sleep r I my start getting upset at randomthings.. Through out these years my "love"has been no secret it /he is was part ofme and part of me had always fallen short in some way in a relationship.. I didn't see it any way other than that was part of my personality my makeup. I never thought I would ever get to speak or talk to him again unless it was some tragedy and I was to ask someone to make contact for,me. I thought that thelife choiuce I made was the one I was to live with and accept . My misyake my pain my regrett my suffering --accept live with. I was carrying this forthe past twenty years. Though at times I would have vivid dreams of talking to him or meeting with him, even being in his home.all dreams fantasy if you wish. Also over those many years I would lok him up on the internet I knew where fe lived and worked as he wasn't going to move, I wanted to know of him married not married divorced what not ===never callingemailing or contacting him . I just had love for him that never left and was right there in my face every day. Fast forward to Christmas 2011, I received an email from Him:3 days after Christmas.. I at first didn't answer because I had looked him up recently on facebook and such and thought that hesaw that I looked at his profile - I was worried abou what i don't know .So aweek goes by and Igointo work and open my emailandthere he is he contacted me a second time a different way. I was shaking. I loved him so much but why contact me . I answered him back saying hi . Later that evening I went home and immediateley told my husband . about the weird email.before i even finished tellinghimhe said who it was from. I started crying and sobbing. We talked about this and what I should do talk to him , chat.. Long story short My husband says he doesn't know why me talking and chattyng with mylove is not an issue or upsetting to himbut it isn't . I have made no secrets about feelings of love formy previous and how deeply I feel. We have had open discussions about it and fate. My husbad had been reading some of that newage stuff in recent years about soulmates and twin flames. Now My love and I have been talking and chatting for 3 weeks now and he is divorced (girl right after me ) she cheated on him) He says he had been looking for ne over the years but couldn't fin dme a ttimes and then he did and was scared, He told me I broke his heart but that was long ago and he can't stop thinking of me. I am the same way. He is kind and considerate. These past weeks since I found that he still cares about me have been uplifting. I have been completely honest with him about all feeling and looking for him over the years. I had not seen him in all those years since the day I left his house 20 yrs ago until friday night I stopped and spoke with him briefly 45min. We gave each other a hug and sat next to eachother and held each others hand. I am so in love with him as I always have been and always will be, I know my love for him will never subside and I don;t want to feel that emptiness I felt for twenty years come back . what???
And now it continue basically we have continued to chat or speak onthe phone daily. The conversation is positive we both are drawn to each other realizingthis situation isnot ideal. He wished when he contacted me that I wasn;t married or was divorced . I know I do to but that is obviously not the case and it is what it is. I am not sure if hebelieves my husband hasno issue or not butwhen he call I will talk in front of my husband saycooking dinneror something. Woulditbeconsidered anemotional or pschological affair if it is done knowingly on all sides. i do love my husband though my first love is ever present also . I don't feel guilt really or remorse just a bit selfish but Howif i ambeing told that i should listen to my inner self and my soul.. What are peoples thoughts on this if any I would like to know??? or what to do ?
alwayslovedhim 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 Jan 28, 2012