I Broke It Off -20 Yrs Regrett - He Found Me!

Well here is my story I had been dating him and was engaged .  I met him when I was 18 he was 27  wasnever an issue with friends or family .   We spent 3yrs together I lived with him on and off from school. I loved him dearly and for some stupid reason I broke off the engagement  and dated this guy I met at school . thinking the grass was greener on the other side of the fence.   From the very day I broke it off  I was a emotional mess.  iwould cry myself to sleep  each night.   Even when I was like that I was fight myself saying I couldn't go back toohio,m  no valid reason just because immaturity.  He wasalsocompletely crushed and heart broken all I can recall is his blood shot eyes from crying . That was October  come February I tried to call him he asked whyi waited so long he was already in a relationship .  I back peddled and didnt push.  Everyday abd every night goes by and regrett and pain crying continues.  College ends and I goto pick up some things I left6 at the house thopingtomaybe get to talk to him.  He greets mewith a box and tells me I cheated on him and there were letters I sent him at that time.  He said he got a phone call from that guy I dated--- never found out what was said and didn't  care it was a lie.  I left that day in tears.   I knew then the love of my life was slippingthrough my fingers and I couldn;'force him to take me back.   I never stopped dreaming ofhimor thinking of him. He was always in my thought and ptayers.  Fo the past twenty years I have lived with this heart ache and suffering the pain so deep.I have crted ny self to sleep r I my start getting upset at randomthings..  Through out these years my "love"has been no secret it /he is was part ofme  and part of me had always fallen short  in some way in a relationship..  I didn't see it any way other than that was part of my personality my makeup. I never thought I would ever get to speak or talk to him again unless it was some tragedy and I was to ask someone to make contact for,me.   I thought that thelife choiuce I made was the one I was to live with and accept . My misyake my pain my regrett my suffering --accept live with.   I was carrying this forthe past twenty years.   Though at times I would have vivid dreams of talking to him or meeting with him, even being in his home.all dreams fantasy if you wish.  Also over those many years I would lok him up on the internet I knew where fe lived and worked as he wasn't going to move,   I wanted to know of him married not married divorced what not ===never callingemailing or contacting him .  I just had love for him that never left and was right there in my face every day.  Fast forward to Christmas 2011,   I received an email from Him:3 days after Christmas..  I at first didn't answer because I had looked him up recently on facebook and such and thought that hesaw that I looked at his profile -  I was worried abou what i don't know .So aweek goes by and Igointo work and open my emailandthere he is he contacted me a second time a different way.  I was shaking.  I loved him so much  but why contact me .  I answered him back saying hi .  Later that evening I went home and immediateley told my husband . about the weird email.before i even finished tellinghimhe said who it was from.   I started crying and sobbing.  We talked about this and what I should do talk to him , chat..   Long story short   My husband   says he doesn't know why me talking and chattyng with mylove is not an issue or upsetting to himbut it isn't .   I have made no secrets about  feelings of  love formy previous  and how deeply I feel.  We have had open discussions about it and fate.   My husbad had been reading some of that newage stuff in recent years about soulmates and twin flames. Now My love and I have been talking and chatting for 3 weeks now and he is divorced  (girl right after me )  she cheated on him)     He says he had been looking for ne over the years but couldn't fin dme a ttimes and then he did and was scared,  He told me I broke his heart but that was long ago and he can't stop thinking of me.  I am the same way. He is kind and considerate. These past weeks since I found that he still cares about me have been uplifting. I have been completely honest with him about all feeling and looking for him over the years.   I  had not seen him in all those years since the day I left his house 20 yrs ago until friday night I stopped and spoke with him briefly 45min.  We gave each other a hug and sat next to eachother and held each others  hand.   I am so in love with him as I always have been and always will be,  I know my love for him will never subside and I don;t want to feel that emptiness I felt for twenty years come back . what???

And now it continue basically we have continued to chat or speak onthe phone daily.  The conversation is positive we both are drawn to each other realizingthis situation isnot ideal. He wished when he contacted me that I wasn;t married or was divorced .   I know I do to but that is obviously not the case and it is what it is.  I am not sure if hebelieves my husband hasno issue or not butwhen he call I will talk in front of my husband saycooking dinneror something.  Woulditbeconsidered anemotional or pschological affair if it is done knowingly on all sides. i do love my husband though my first love is ever present also . I don't feel guilt really or remorse   just a bit selfish but Howif i ambeing told that i should listen to my inner self and my soul.. What are peoples thoughts on this if any I would like to know???  or  what to do ?  
alwayslovedhim alwayslovedhim
36-40, F
3 Responses Jan 28, 2012

Thanks for sharing your story, I am truly inspired by your honesty with both men, it is great to know there are such open minded people out there. Ofcourse it is possible to love more than one man, no one would think for a second that you could only love one child, it is a double standard set by society that makes us feel like we must lie about our feelings. You have gone about it in the right way by being honest and open to all parties. It is lies and jealousy that destroy relationships not love.<br />
You are not in any kind of affair as there are no lies or deceit involved, stay authentic and true to yourself x

Wow, I'm impressed you can be that honest with your husband, and your husband is an exception I think. My husband knew my first love called after 36 years, and he knew I had a first love. over the years I had it thrown up to me that past maybe you should of married??????, Anyway, he wasn't upset, but my emotions went wild, and I started and emotional affair with my first. I really didn't want to share the feelings I was experiencing with my first We talked about 8 months, and had intended to meet, but his wife found out that we were talking. I saw where she had looked at my profile on an internet site. Anyway he went home (had been working away from home) and cut all ties. I have had a difficult time dealing with lost love a second time, and I hope yours has a happier ending. I do think talking to someone you have such love for is like playing with fire, and eventually someone will get burned. Wishing you happiness! dare2love

If this is real please don't cheat on your husband, ask him for a legal seperation or a divorce,then you may proceed to your life long love.You must not cheat,or everyone losses.

Yes I am well aware of not cheating my husband has given his blessing to communicate and see him. He knows of all emails instant messages , phonecoversations etc there are no lies barriers or walls- my lifelong love is also aware of my marriage we know the love we have for each other my husband andi have veryhonest discussion on this it is very weird so there is no intention to cheat on my husband and i agree that is why I leave all email instant phone calls etc there and such I share email with my husband

how could your husband accept that..we too had this same situation only that we both have family.my husband hated him and his wife also hated me..so how can we open our conversation with them when we know that they are against us.?

I don't have any idea my husband say he himself doesn't get i he is not upset hurt jealous ilove my husband he knows that but at same token my love for the first love has been ever present and always apparent and known in our relationship I guess because i was so emotional about him frequently even 20yrslater didn;t matter, I have children and he has some too we aren't at that point yet we just found each other but no secrets persay hisname is on my phone he hascalled and i talk freely to him with obvious discretion. I don't know where or how but I always loved him and will I believe we are to be together somehoe someway and i told my husband i can not imagine my life without this person the anguish i would feel is to great he said if that is the difference in your happiness in your soul then thats the way it is you can't changeit I an not looking for approval for an affair just openess understanding at this point so i guess honesty is my policy straight forward hard weird and uncomfortable at times buti know in the end i wasn't a liar or a cheat ----my love think it weird too who wouldn't ---you told him at first he said about the initial email I said yeah I canhave no secrets i couldn'tlook at him if i tried to lie ---im not good at it ---i bust up laughing and can't even trick someone -- need some oneto chat just shoot me a note!