Kangaroo Jam -do I Genuinely Love And Miss Her? The Way She Was? That Time Of My Life? All Of It?

 

This is my first posting on here, so bear with me. 

First let me set the scene, I'm at home, having another night feeling sorry for myself about the one that got away.  But did she? Did I push her away, did she pull away, is she still there but just out of my periphery?

I'm married to a beautiful and caring wife and have a brilliant son, a good family unit, stable and full of love.  So why do I spend all those moments of the day when there's nothing much to think of thinking of a girl I haven't spoken to for months that I dated nearly 10 years ago, my first love?

Is it guilt, is it hindsight, is it a deep regret, is it a case of "the grass is always greener" or is it simply that the rose tinted glasses come straight out when your first love comes into your head?  Either way, I've spent the last 10 years raging a big war between my heart and head.  The casualties have been high, not just my well being but all the women from good intentioned relationships in between, trying to recapture that special touch from that person who first took my heart?

I really struggle to be objective about this, to see what's truth & what's my mind's fabriaction.

She was my first everything, my first holding hands, my first kiss, my first lover, my first person to me intellectualy intimate with.  I don't know if it was love at first sight, but when she first came into my life turning up at youth organisation I was certainly fascinated with her.  She was so different to the norm. A year of getting to be close friends led to more, we both had a tough teen period and we leant on each other and spent every spare minute in each other's company. 

Everything was going really well, we'd just turned 18 when BANG! Right out of nowhere another girl came along, more attractive, confident and I made the biggest mistake of my life that I pay for with every heartbeat that considers "what if", I slept with her. I confessed straight away, realising what I'd done.  We tried to get trough it, but 9 months later it got to a horrible stage and we decided to end it.  We met up once or twice, then we both went into different stages and ways of dealing with it.  I was horrible to her for a while, then when I was ready she wanted me to be a distant memory. 

A few awkward encouters happened, I joined the military. I tried to get back in touch to be met with hositility from her.  5 years I tried, in between other girlfriends, to get her to let me back in, gushing my feelings and apologies. 

I met someone else, things were going well, we decided to get married and have a baby.   Then back in she came.  Fine at first, excited for me, but about  month later she broke down, really upset that she'd left it too late to let me back in, which she had.  Regardless, she spent 2 years being a good honoury aunty for my son, friends with my wife (who didn't really understand the signifance she had had in my life) and I had the best of both worlds, a good wife and this person who I could share the closest things with (which arguably should have been wife, but wasn't).  No lines were ever crossed and I was grateful to have such a solid friend in my life. Then one drunken night, I got a message declaring how she really felt. It wasn't a shock and I could have sent her a similar message back and had assumed our feelings were mutual.  The next day she brushed it off as drunken behaviour and over the next few weeks left my life again and it felt worst to lose her the second time, although we were just acting as friends.


She never wanted to talk about what she felt much after we split up, whereas I couldn't be shut up about it. Those traits collided massively.  I still feel we need the closure via a big open heart to heart, but know she will rebuff it.  I have made my decision to stay with my family, even though I feel so much for this other woman, but although I'm physically here, my mind drifts elsewhere to a time where nothing else battered apart from my first love, walking by the sea and being totally entwined with each other.  Life in limbo is how it will continue for now, with a memory stuck on repeat in my mind everytime life goes quiet, not knowing whether I love her, her ghost or the time we shar


I could go on and go into so much detail and sigificance and things we shared together, but alas this is already a small novel.  I know it's not unique to feel this, I know most people may do at some point, but regardless this is my experience. Thanks for reading.

PS> KANGAROO JAM is something only she would get, in case she ever reads this

FD85 FD85
26-30
May 8, 2012