My First Love, Through Blue Eyes...

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Don't dwell on how it ended, thank God that it began. You may hold my hand no longer, but forever you'll hold my heart.

Its nearly 6 months now, and it is still as if it was yesterday. The day you told me, that you didn't love me anymore on the phone. My first and only ever real love, we may not have been perfect to ourselves... but to each other we were beyond, there was no finer feeling in the world than to walk holding your hand... to show the world 'thats my girl, isn't she beautiful...?. We were born for each other, she had come home from Northern Ireland with a baby daughter and physical and mental scars. She had endured an abusive relationship for the previous 2 years, and was used to being treated like dirt. But I came along and promised her that she would never suffer like that again. As a child I had witnessed my mother being routinely beaten by my father, and left me with a deep hatred of those that abuse, and a deep respect and love for its survivors. I said to her -- 'I'd sooner die than hurt you in any way, it makes me cry to think that somebody could hurt something as precious as you'. And I meant it... I'd do my best to show her the life she deserved, feel the love that she needed... unconditionally.

It was true love, it was as if fate had taken over that day on the street in town. From the moment I looked into your golden eyes, so close I could even see the tiniest black dot in the gold of your right eye... I was mesmerized. From that moment on, everyone else in the world ceased to exist but you, me, and Amber.

I was 27 and you were 19... but love never knew age, and I am something of an overgrown child at heart, and we had the most amazing adventures... childish and innocent. We sat on the swings in a park one day and we looked at each other, and I said... 'Mellissa, what do you see in me...? I mean, you are beautiful... and I'm just, well... me'. You smiled at me and said - 'you are beautiful, inside and out... you take me for what I am, I'm not perfect... but you make me feel it. That is why I'm with you... I love you'. I could have cried, we hugged and took pictures by the lakeside in the sunset... on that warm April afternoon, is this what heaven felt like...? because if it did, I never wanted to leave.

We were Krissy & Lissy, hell-raisers and love-makers.... after so many years of loneliness, I had finally found what it was like to be loved... you took all the bad things in my life and threw them in the sea, they meant nothing anymore. You had this great ability, of making me, even as a man... cry with your words. 'Do you believe in magic...? Because when I felt alone and unloved, I waved my magic wand and you walked into my life...' --- even in public, I was like a baby, but I couldn't care less. We were going to that old couple that walked the beach holding hands after 80 years of marriage, then go home... and sweetly pass away in each other's arms -- together forever.

I became Amber's daddy too... the first time she called me that, I thought to myself 'at last, my life is complete'. The way I look at it, biology means nothing when it comes to being a real father... my stepdad is living proof of that, the man I have come to call 'dad' for 20 years of my life... a great man, and everything a father should be in everything but blood. If I could be to Amber half of what he is to me... then I'd be doing ok. I loved every moment I spent with her.... even when I dozed off and was promptly woken by 'the daddy wakey-up stick'... she giggled so much, and her little smile was a joy to see. It was the sweet moments I treasured, like when I would be lying on my stomach watching TV, and she would lie on my back and hug me... and say in her babbling toddler language 'i love you daddy'. Even thinking of these moments as I write this brings tears to my eyes. The thought of you standing there, with your head against the doorframe, looking at us... with the proud look of a mother thats thinking -- 'there's my babies...'.

There was nothing in the world I would not have done for you, I would have stepped in front of a speeding train to keep you safe.... and if anybody ever upset you or made you cry, then they'd have me to deal with. We were each other's shoulders to cry on... you were there for me when the Good Lord took my friend Joel, aged only 34... and I was there for you when your amazing mother was told she had cancer. I hugged you tight and I could feel your pain, I had lost many people in my life... most recently my grandma through cancer, I closed my eyes as you cried... and I tried to take away your pain, because to feel you like this was like a knife to my heart... and if I could take it all away from you I'd do it in a heartbeat. We were destined to be together... you picked me up at my lowest and made me feel like I was 100 feet tall. I would sometimes lie there as you slept... listening to you breathe, looking at your peaceful face as you were dreaming... waiting for that split second in time when you would open your eyes, before realisation and thought could touch those golden eyes. I looked into them, golden with a tiny black dot... you were wearing no makeup, and your hair was wild, but if a picture could capture true beauty, then this was its very definition.

We became engaged, I made a complete fool of myself in my favourite rock bar... hijacking the mic and taking over the tannoy system... 'everybody, can I have your attention please.... there is a girl in this room now, who has changed my life forever, I used to think being alone and single was great... I kinda got used to it... freedom...! and all that stuff, but that girl over there *points to Mellissa* has made me realise that if freedom means I will miss out on all of this, then I don't wanna be free... I'd sooner have bad times with you than great times alone... I love you Mellissa, so how about it, do you fancy being Mrs. Me for like... forever...?'. You said yes and I literally jumped from the stage, with the whole room applauding... ran over to you and placed the ring that I had cunningly hidden, ob your finger... it fit perfectly. And I hugged you so tight, my eyeliner streaked down my face (i was in my goth regalia) ... the pinnacle of my life. I have been there since, and its like I'm seeing ghosts... I see myself up on stage, and I see you sitting in our seat, no matter how much I try, and I have been going there since I was 18, this remains my abiding memory of that bar, the epitome of what I had, and what I lost.

These are only drops in the ocean of the life we had, and I struggle to make people understand just what you were to me. They say 'get over it'... they sigh at me and block me out as if to say 'here he goes again'. But they never lived in our shoes, they never saw you the way I did... they only dwell on the way our love died, I prefer to remember the way it lived.

"I'll love you until the day we cuddle up warm in bed for the last time and say - goodnight darling, I'll see you in heaven..." --- you to me.

True love never dies, my first... my only true love, I miss you.
RubIxSKube RubIxSKube
26-30, M
2 Responses May 17, 2012

Noone else can tell you how it was mate. I hope things improve for you soon :)

You love with such a passion Kris, it is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Most men can learn from you. Ur poems and stories never cease to move me. My heart breaks for u. When u love with such passion it is hard to just turn it off.