After 19 Years I Still Ache For My First Love

I met Shannon when I was 16 years old. He was also 16. He was ten months younger than me.  He had dated a friend of mine a few times. One night he knocked on my door and wanted to talk to me. We talked for awhile and he asked me if he could kiss me. Just as he did it started raining. I'll never forget us standing in the rain holding each other and kissing. It felt like I had known him forever. 

We dated for the next three years and then got married when I was 19. It was one month before his 19th birthday.

I loved him dearly, but I never treated him like he deserved to be treated. I cheated on him while we were dating and again when we got married. I left him for another man that I didn't even love. I also had intimacy issues. I had trouble being close in that way without feeling like that's all he wanted. Even after I cheated on him and asked him to move out he still wanted to be with me for almost a year. We even went to marriage counseling and I felt ganged up on. The counselor tried to make me see how lucky I was but I just couldn't see. Oh why couldn't I see it before it was too late? It wasn't long after he was out of my life that I started missing him of course. Then it was too late. I guess he had finally gotten over me or thought he couldn't trust me. 

I still can't forgive myself for treating him the way I did. Nobody deserves to be hurt that way, especially him! I don't know how I could have been such a bad person. I still can't believe I acted the way I did. I have been in therapy to try to deal with this. My therapist said that I was full of anger and pain because I had been raped when I was 15 and that's why I was having so much trouble dealing with intimacy issues. She was the first person I ever told. I was always ashamed and didn't want anyone to ever know. My grandfather had just died and she said I was also angry about that. I was closer to him than anyone. I started dating Shannon on May 5 and my grandfather died on June 16. I never realized it then, but I was also jealous of him because I felt like my parents loved him more than me. My dad would correct me if he didn't like something I said to him. I don't know if I did the things I did because of my inner turmoil or not but I do know we were too young and I know without him apart of me is missing. I feel like I have a hole in my soul.

About 2 years after we broke up my friend's husband saw him and he was asking about me and told him that he still had my pictures in his tool box at work. My friend's husband tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't.

He got married again around age 23 to a woman everyone says looks like me(I haven't seen her). He had a son with her and they later got divorced. Now he is married again. I just hope he's being treated like the special person he is. I got married again at age 24 to a man I thought was a good person but over the years I have come to realize that he is a selfish uncaring person. He had a very bad childhood (I don't know how bad. He won't talk to me about it). Sometimes he acts like he hates the world. I have a sweet loving son with this man that I love more than anything but when I see Shannon's son that is the same age as my son. I'm jealous because I wish he was mine . I still feel like I am supposed to be with him after all these years. It's really hard to live 5 minutes away from him and have to pass his house almost every day but I hope he is happy as hell. He deserves it.
Kayro Kayro
36-40, F
May 12, 2007