I Miss Being Your Little *****

I didn’t realize I was truly in love with this guy until he was gone for good. I don’t even have the ability to contact him because he has changed his number. Not because of me, of course, because I would never have the courage to tell him that he is everything to me. The sad thing is, he completely used me. Yet, I wouldn’t erase the time I spent with him for the world. For a few months, he’d invite me over to his house, we’d smoke weed, and have sex. I wasn’t really into the drugs, but I pretended to be a stoner chick around him because that’s the type of girl I thought he wanted. However, he recently got in trouble for something drug related and has decided to stop using drugs and wants to completely start over his life. He said that in order to do this he had to cut out all the bad influences in his life, including me.

I am truly happy that he has decided to stop drugs, attend classes, and feels bad about using me. However, there is a part of me that doesn’t like the new person that he is trying to become. I know it’s very selfish, but I liked the old him better because the new him doesn’t want me in his life. I can’t even explain why I am even in love with this person, who has treated me so terribly and only ever wanted me for sex. However, I can’t change how I feel. When I was with him, I truly felt “it”. You know, that unexplainable feeling that is the most wonderful feeling yet usually results in such tragic endings. When I would wait for him to pick me up from my place on the curb, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and I would try to stop myself from smiling as I got the first glimpse of his car rounding the corner.

Although we ended our final conservation on good terms, I feel dead inside. It wasn’t until I knew he was truly gone that I could admit to myself that I am hopelessly in love with him. He is my first love. As cliché as it sounds, he will always have a piece of my heart. As much as I want to chase after him and tell him not to leave me, I know that I have to let him go. He wants to get his life back together and I need to respect the fact that in order for him to do this, he has to distance himself from the people of his past. If it is truly meant to be, our paths will cross again at some point in time. But if not, at least I have the comfort of knowing that my first love will always be preserved as a perfect memory, forever untarnished.

The thing with unrequited love is that it never truly goes away. The mind eventually buries these feelings in order to protect itself from ruin. Although its sad to think about, requited love can only last so long. It eventually evolves into a state known as dependency. That person has become such a fixture in your life that it would be like loosing a limb if that person were to leave. All requited lovers inevitably go from being in love to simply loving each other. The only way to truly stay in love with someone forever is to have it be forever unrequited.
HotMiamiGirl HotMiamiGirl
1 Response Nov 30, 2012

Perhaps it is possible ...to love one another first and then to be in love as often as one wants to put the effort in ... I wouldn't know ... just clinging to hope ... it's what we Pollyanna do