Want You BackOn June 27, 200* the guy that I had a crush on for three years finally told me how he felt.
that he loved "me" in every sense of the word. He loved me.
On June 28, 200*, we began what I could call a journey of our relationship.Falling in love with him was effortless. Loving him was easy. Being with him was so right. We had so much fun, laughing, cutting up (term meaning goofing off), being stupid, making our own little inside jokes, being with each other, but most of all? Finally being us in a relationship. The mask I wore for everyone else faded away when I was with him. I trusted him with everything: from the little to the big. He never judged me. He became my rock, my everything.
The first two years were wonderful, but it was hard. It was us against the world. People saw us and immediately judged. Older man, younger woman. The natural cliché: gold digger or cradle robber. I chose to be in the relationship because I loved him, always loved him, and always will. We were up to the challenge, and stayed strong.
It was in the third year of our relationship that we started having problems - we moved in together, got a cat together. It was too much too soon, and it ended up slowly tearing us apart. And in August of the year, we broke up for the first time. It wasn't easy, no, I was still in love with him, but before I could really process my own thoughts I started going out with another guy (it was purely a rebound and a fling). In October I ended the "relationship" with this fling and asked Joe to take me back. He did. And by Thanksgiving that year, we were back to our strong relationship we once had. I still thought I was going to marry him.
Everything was perfect.
Or so I thought. I found out in February that during December/January he'd been talking to an ex, telling her he wasn't so sure about our rekindled relationship. That he was making a mistake by being in it. This crushed me.
I was more disappointed in him than angry. But of course it led to a fight. We worked it out though. We made it through. In June, we moved into a new place. I thought it would be good for us, but of course there were so many factors working against us in our lives (for once, everyone supported us, it was external factors), and it caused strain in our relationship.
We fought a lot.
All the time.
Tears, crying, shouting, screaming, anger, hurt, hate, heart break.
In Sept, I called it quits again. I said I couldn't do this. I loved him. I wanted to be only with him, but this isn't what I wanted. Not this way. Joe understood. We knew right now, maybe a relationship wouldn't work.
In Nov, I met Jeremy. I met him while I was out with Joe, but we didn't really talk then. I didn't think too much of Jeremy except that he was attractive. In the three months Joe and I have been broken up we have both "dated" other people, but none of them worked out. I knew it was because I was still in love with Joe. It was Joe I thought about when I fell asleep, Joe I thought about when I woke up. It was always Joe.
This past December, I put my heart on the line. I told him everything: How much I changed
how much I had grown from last time
how I felt, what I wanted
that I still loved him
but mostly, I wanted him back
I wanted us back.
I wanted what we had.
He listened. He didn't say anything at first.
He told me that he still loved me as well…
But he didn't want a relationship with anyone right now.
He didn't think he could be the boyfriend I wanted right now.
But that didn't mean never.
He wouldn't be able to.
There were moments when we spent time together that he wanted to be back with me so much, but then he'd remembered a fight.
He was afraid if we put a label on what we've been doing the past couple of months (acting like we're in a relationship) would change everything.
that who I became when we fought was someone he didn't like.
He said that he'd have to think about it, and give it some thought.
I cried that night. I cried so much I ran out of tears (something I didn't think was possible). I was realizing that our relationship was possibly over. And that's what scares me the most. The fact that I'm still so in love with someone and I don't know if we'll actually be together again.
The last time, he told me he didn't want the relationship to end (he still doesn't) and that's why we got back together, but this time he's going in with his eyes wide open, and he's not so sure if either of us can really be together again because of our differences. Last time it took him a week. It's hard, but I've decided that I'll give him to the 1st of the year. If he think we really can't have a relationship again, I'll have to move on. That doesn't mean I'll suddenly stop loving him, (I wish) but it means that I can't waste my life pining over someone who clearly can't see how great we can be.
A big part of me hopes that we can have one last chance. I just want another chance, that's all. He's my rock, the one that I want to be with. the one that I realized I had everything with, but I was too stupid at the time to realize it.
*sometimes love isn't fireworks, sometimes love just comes softly*