My Lost Love....found!

It took me thirty years to write and tell her that I loved her dearly and was deeply ashamed of myself for walking out on her. For thirty years my guilt, shame and sorrow haunted me. My youngest just graduated from high school and I felt it was time for me to write this letter. A letter I had contemplated for three decades. I've been married for almost 30 years and never been unfaithful until I took pen to this letter. A letter I needed to write while I still could. We played together as children in the streets her folks were my coaches, like parents to me. When I returned to town from the Air Force we fell in love, both of us twenty. We traveled together across the country to my grandmothers on a two week trip of making love holding hands and walking along the river’s edge. I realized she was much more than a girl I loved she was my soul mate. And I was scared shitless. The moment I walked out her door I knew I had made a once in a lifetime blunder. I failed her, I had dishonored her folks and I was truly a miserable young man. I finally got myself together after six months contacted her folks and was devastated to learn she had already found someone else. It was very complicated because her parents meant alot to me so I felt I needed to go through them to get to her. I was hurt but deserved every bit and maybe more anguish that I received. I always regretted contacting her folks rather than going directly to her because I never did get closure. I believed maybe her folks were protecting their daughter from me by saying she had found someone else.
I found her on facebook last year. She has been married for thirty years and has two grown children as I do. We have been in contact now for a year and it’s an emotional roller-coaster ride. She has had a very tough life is married to an alcoholic abuser although I believe its emotional abuse and not physical. I worry that if her husband found out about us he may hurt her. She says she needs me in her life “even though this is all we may ever have”. I feel like the right thing to do is STOP but the last thing I want to do is abandon her again. I think of her daily sometimes hourly. When I write and don’t hear back soon I feel sick. It feels like it was yesterday that we could have had it all. My blood rushes through my heart every time I prepare to open my mail and it stops like someone just turned off the faucet when I haven’t any. I wonder if she thinks about me even though she tells me she does. I love my wife but I’m not in love. I would be at my lost loves side in a heartbeat if it were not for the tears my wife would shed. If she knew where my heart was it would devastate her. I have opened a Pandora’s Box. I feel the mad rush of passionate love and the sting of guilt and shame. I savor an impossible dream beside my angst of knowing it cannot be. And then I ask myself why am I doing this?

Snookie52 Snookie52
51-55, M
2 Responses Dec 9, 2012

I totally understand what your saying. My FL contacted me after I was married 36 years, and memories and feelings flooded back. We are both married in long time marriages with children. We talked for about six months and had planned on meeting, but I think his wife found out, and it ended. I was heart broken for a long time, but have come to terms with it now. I wouldn't have wanted my husband to know either, and be hurt, alot of people hurt, but I still year to see him one more time!

What a beautifully sad story! Thank you for sharing it. I'm at loss for words only to say that although it would hurt your wife deeply, I as a woman, would prefer that someone be honest with me than live a lie. Your wife, (as well as all people) deserves to be with someone who truely loves them and is completely devoted to them. Anything less is useless. I sypathize for you to be put in such a tough predicament. I also must commend you on even concidering your wife's well being. Most men wouldn't. Lastly, I truely believe that life is too short and one should always follow their heart! (and we all know where your heart lies) GOOD LUCK TO YOU