I met my first love online. I was 16 at the time, and didn't realize we'd get so close. We met in a yahoo chat-room back before yahoo closed my account for some unknown reason.
    I thought she'd be just another friend to me. But I was wrong.
    I spent many hours working on homework, and asking her for assistance. She'd always help me look something up if I needed her to. She was always good at that.
    But after almost 4 years, things started to change. I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I spend over 3 years chasing her. But when she finally admitted to feeling the same about me, I was scared. It was almost as if I was in it for the chase, and nothing more. But I know that couldn't be true. Not about me.
    I had my girlfriends on and off. Whenever a girl broke my heart there she was. I couldn't get enough of her comfort. But she was always jealous when I found someone else. That was how I knew she loved me. She had plenty of friends, had love and kisses, and a lot more experience than me, so it had to be because she loved me.
    I didn't know what I was about really. We spent a lot of time talking and writing a story together. I had to finish writing that story alone. I thought that maybe if I finished it alone, it would close that chapter of my life. As the days went past, she didn't want to write with me anymore. She stopped enjoying it. Maybe stopped enjoying me.
    Time went on, and we started to fight more and more. When I was with my last girlfriend at that time, she came into a gaia fishing chat with me and my girl. We were spending time together, and I thought everything was fine. But then she left to go fish with my brother.
    She'd started spending a lot of time with him. She knew that it bothered me. She knew how I felt. But here she was using it to her benefit because she knew it would upset me. She thought I was the liar, and that he was the one who was telling the truth. After so long of being friends with me, she believed him over me. She barely knew him, a few months maybe. But she chose his side over mine.
    I got jealous, and the next thing I knew I was telling her I felt obligated to be her friend. The last thing I remember is her telling me to tell her I didn't want to be friends anymore. I couldn't leave, I had to say it, cus either way we wouldn't be friends anymore. It was her choice and not mine. But she's still insistent that it's my choice. I messaged her back last september, and thats exactly what she told me.
    I know I'm better off without her abusing soul-lessness. But here I am, missing her each and everyday. Maybe because she was always there for me, and now I feel like this empty part of me exists, and nothing more. No close friends since then. No best friends, just a bunch of broken loves.
    I know deep in my heart, that I will never stop missing her. That I will never stop loving her. Regardless that she's told my brother every secret I ever told her. Why? Because she was mad at me. But it was her choice, not mine. If I left it would be over, if I stayed, she'd make me say it. So either way. I was a broken fool, and I had no where to go.
LylaRocks LylaRocks
26-30, F
Jun 19, 2007