Our stories are unbelievably similar. My first love and I met online when I was 17 and he was 21. My dad finally agreed he could come visit me and I've loved him since. He moved across the state to be with me after we only had weekend visits for the first year while I finished high school. We were together 4 & 1/2 years and so crazy for each other. I too, had other telling me I should see what else was out there. That I wouldn't be content with the same man all my life. We both made mistakes and I made him leave. He tried so hard to change my mind. He didn't want to go. For the life of me, i can't figure out who I was at that point in time. It was like something inside me broke when he cheated. I felt nothing for him. Didn't care if he cried or wanted to stay, just wanted him gone. He left and months later we decided to try again because I woke up and realized he's all I ever wanted. He kept putting off coming back home and a couple more months later I found out it was because a girl whom he'd hooked up with was pregnant. He was lost to me forever. My heart was shattered. I fell into deep depression and shut myself off to everyone. Despite all that, we stayed in touch and always talked a out one day being back together and how stupid we both were.. he said if things didn't work with the mother of his child, whom he never loved, he'd come back to me. When the time came, he didn't, he ended up with another girl whom he'd cheated on her with. She introduced him to hard drugs and he went down a very destructive path. He's now incarcerated and a felon. He still calls and writes me, still says he wants us to be us again more than anything. I feel like such a fool for wantin that too. It'll be hard for him to ever find a good job and he may end up using again. I feel like I've lost him 100x and I'm sure when he gets out of jail he will end up with someone else or his junkie ex given half the chance. I'm outta sight outta mind a d he thinks he has to always be with someone. I don't know if I should even be wanting him back but he is the most amazing person I've ever known. He just made bad choices. I know him. Like no one else does and he knows me that well too. He's all I've wanted since he's been gone. (6 years yesterday) What do I do??
cosmocolors cosmocolors
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

Its a heart breaking story but I believe girls intend to justify the person they love most. Remember always, mistakes are mistakes.

just go back to him.

What you do is find out why him? What is it about him that makes you prevent forward relationships? Is it even him? Is it something within yourself that you miss?

If you think that there isn't another person or someone else who will know you quite as well then you'll be wrong. It maybe the closeness you miss or the fact he's the only one you've been with. It can feel like you know him and want him when really your searching for something else. A displacement type of thing.

He's in jail, cheats an awful lot, knocked up some girl to leave his child. He has the added bonus of being a drug addict. Doesn't sound like someone to give pure love to. At least in the real sense of the word love.

Give him your past an give a good person your future. I wish someone would have told me that a long time ago. That's why I'm saying this to you. You're likely to not care to listen. That's okay, I did that too. I'd never take advice from anyone. I thought I knew everything. Turns out I didn't. 😳

You said everything I wanted to say.

You're welcome. I can get real pissed off at these men taking advantage of living girls. 😩