Fond Thoughts

It is amazing how life and circumstances put memories back into our heads.  How when we are struggling, feeling alone, and empty our thoughts go back to a time in life when we did have happiness and we felt loved and appreciated.  My first love holds all of those thoughts and memories for me.  It was summer right after high school graduation, and I met her while having dinner with my rescue squad crew.  She was our server.  I could tell from the moment I set eyes on her that she was going to be a very special person in my life.  She had shoulder length blonde hair and eyes that sparkled and a beautiful smile that could lite an entire room.  She too had justed graduated and also was enjoying the summer, a summer that neither of us would ever forget.  We were inseparable.  I can remember getting in trouble with my boss because I would come into work dragging and tired after spending late nights with her.  He would say, if I did not work this out I would be fired, but I would have dealt with whatever I had to do to be with her. 

She was my first time ever making love to a women.  I can still remember that moment so vividly in my mind.  How beautiful she was naked in the sun.  Yes we made love for the first time outside and actually got caught, so was my fate.  Another story all together.  We had a wonderful romance and I thought even at the age of 18 that she was going to be the one that I would spend the rest of my life with.  It was not meant to be, and after a year things got bad and our relationship faded and we broke up.  I still miss her today.  The smell of her perfume.  A couple of years ago, I was in a department store and asked them to spray the scent on a card for me.  I allowed it time to dry as I walked out of the store and back into the mall.  As I smelled the card I could feel a small tear well up and fall from my eye.  Instantly, I was transported to a different place in time.  A younger and more confident person, a person that loved life and had youthful optimism.  Moments later the realty of that time faded from sight, and I was faced with my current sexlessness, my pain and hurt, and the loneliness I feel resulting from my current marital delimma.  I can still go back in time to those days of summer.  Thinking about her brings that peace and calm, with the wonder of what could have been.  I was young then, and I married shortly after that.  Twenty three years later and she is still on my mind.  As I said in the opening, when things are difficult our minds want to reflect on a better place in time.  That is my story. 

KingofPain KingofPain
41-45, M
1 Response Mar 4, 2009

I remember lovers from my past very fondly as well. Small solice in times of pain and disillusionment but I am glad to have those memories. Without them I think I would feel completely incompetent as a sexual being. Because of them I can retain some hope for the future.