I was 18 living in Africa, one of my closest friends and i were walking back from school, he ask me if I would please stop by with him at his friend's house just for a minute. It was a Wednesday afternoon and the day I met the love of my life. The minute I saw his friend, everything around us disappeared. He was my first. We were inseparable for 2 years then he moved to Europe to pursue his education and 6 months later I came to the US to do the same. A long distance relationship was hard to keep for broke college students who couldn't travel. It was 2002, we decided to open ourselves to dating other people since we didn't know when we'll see each other but that love never went away.
2008 I got married, he was beyond himself. It was too late, I gave my word to a wonderful man who was crazy about me and who I have become crazy about as well. My best friend who also lived in Europe saw my first love and told me he was heartbroken but couldn't stop telling me about how hot he was. I felt she had a thing for him. To keep her from having to lie to me, I told her that since I'm married now anyway, if she does like him that much she could date him. I was hoping it would be a "no". It wasn't, she liked him that much.
They cut off all contact with me. She told him horrible things about me and he now hated me. A year later her sister told me she got pregnant and he married her. Still no contact but I dreamt about him more than I wanted to. I'd cry so much that my pillow would be wet. I didn't know how to erase him from my head. I felt like I was cheating in my subconscious mind. Surprisingly, I also missed my best friend. She's not a bad person, she just had a rough life.
At this point I haven't seen either of them in 10 years.
Fast forward 3 years later, 2013 I see a text from Europe asking to please call a number. I did. He said "Hello, it's me". My heart sunk. He said: "Don't know where to start, I'm sorry, I left. She never became you".
I was dizzy. I never forgot him either and it's the worse feeling when you are loved by someone else who is a great person but who also has never become him.
His son was 3, mine were 3 and 6 months. Their dad is great, their lives are great, I can't ruin it, I can't be selfish. He cried, I cried. He said "I understand, I also learned that being with a person that wasn't you is harder than not being with you so this decision is right for me"
We decided on a no contact rule because he said he knows he'll wreck my home if we keep talking. I stayed. Everyday is a challenge, most days are fine, some days like today are hard.
evolvinggirl evolvinggirl
36-40, F
6 Responses Aug 24, 2014

oh my gosh

I could have written this myself! It has been over 10 years for us (I do know feelings are mutual) and I am married with children. My marriage and life are actually great, but I agree that it is definitely a big struggle for me on a regular basis. I have to see my ex several times a year though and it makes it so so much harder!

I do find it's harder when you are on a good relationship, you have no good reason to leave your man. But again that could be debatable I guess when you think of the fact that your husband probably also deserves to be loved the way your ex is loved and you deserve to spend these years with the love of your life. Thanks for understanding! :)

Sometimes I wish I could love my husband as much as he loves me. I do love him very much, but I am his first...everything - and he treats me like the love of his life. He always says he thinks we have the perfect marriage.

Awww... that really is sweet. How does it make you feel? When mine said that I felt horrible, like I'm not being honest with him but would hurt him too much if I ever told him my ex is still in my head and heart. Awful feeling.

Everyday is a challenge? Is this true? Does your mind revolve around this loss everyday? Or just the past in general?
When you say most days are fine, I hear "everyday is not effected".
When you say "Everyday is a challenge" I hear that something deeper is irking at you. Send me a message and I can share something that can snap you right out of this **** mess. :)

And I'm a bit irritated because I never wanted to go back and practice until last night. Now you've got me wanting to start thinking about the idea of switching careers. Which is something i'd never expect from myself.

Now i see why my therapist looks forward to my visits with him.He acts all excited and once i asked why. He said "Cause you are my only vested patient. You are the only one that sincerely wants change and strides for it. I see my work in you. That's pretty exciting considering most people have me checking the clock.

Most people are content with mediocrity. You are not and there is nothing wrong with that.

Oh wow, I'm glad to have open this window for you. You seem to really be so passionate about it I wonder why you would ever question whether or not you should practice. I'll message you. You've got a guinea pig and I have a free therapist. Amazeballs! :)

Lmao. I used to practice but my home life was such crap. I felt hypocritical. So I quit. One day couldn't do it anymore. I had extreme cognitive disannoyance. One can't see it in themselves. I'll check my messages when I have free time.

I get it.

Ok. I take back what I said in your religion post about leaving your husband. That's not a joke. I'm serious.

Do you know what the "mind's eye" means? Of course you do you're educated.

Every time I go to my parents beach home in Florida I act 16. I really do. Why? I was about that age when I chose to build the home with my father. It's my favorite property ever. I'd live there if I could. Yet, even if it was handed to me I'd have to decline because I will not evolve there. I stay 16 because of what that represents in my child eye.

Your first love was real love for you. It was real for him. It was the first time you had this feeling and nothing (w a few exceptions) will ever be that first love again.

No one person,including your husband can fill that void inside of you. That's not to say you loved your first love more than you live your husband currently. It's just different. I pity the man who called you and said that he will break up your home! It ****** me off actually. Really? Is that love in the pure sense of that word? I know he didn't do it but he said it. That's enough to tell me that he would love for you to have a failed marriage with a guy who you created a family with.

I tend to get passionate and make no sense so near with me. Also, I'm not a writer. I am a huge face to face talker with passion to help others. I cannot write we'll because I care less about what I wrote and more about what I want to say.

What I really want to say to you is that yes you need something in your life right now. You need to overcome all the bullshit you've been though in your life. All the bad has you looking at the phone and thinking about this man you use to know. Would he love your children? Not likely. Would he want your safety? Not likely. Does that suck because you'd give him anything. Yes!

He doesn't deserve you and he probably never did. In reality I have the same story. Does Steven deserve me because he was always the one. No! I can do better and I will. It doesn't take the pain away that he's suffering. Maybe your love is so pure an real you want him to be happy. I know what that feels like. I've sacrificed a lot of things for other people's happiness.

You sound a lot like you want to contact who "you were" when you loved him. Almost like you want to be a younger version of yourself so you can feel things again for the first time. In the minds eye. This agony you feel has very little to do with your first love. And everything to do with you! You want and need something and I can't tell you what it is. I don't know what it is. I have a hunch but that's because of my education. These hard days have an end. When you're uncomfortable that is when the start of a new time in your life is starting. Something is starting inside of you. Find that. I do hope I'm not speaking in riddles that only I can understand. If I am please ask me and I'll do my best to answer.

I agree with a lot of what you've said. You made me smile because I know this stuff. My head knows this stuff, it has a hard time convincing my heart of it.
You're good, you strike me as a psych major. I'm an Econ major, it's all about the investment. The more years you invest in a relationship the less you want to see it go to waste because of the opportunity cost of what you could have built during those years had you not been doing this crap :).

I do have to clarify, he didn't say he'll wreck my home. He said he would if he continued to speak to me which is why he thought it'd be better for us to have a "no contact rule" because he didn't want to be that home wrecker.
The truth is I know you're right in a rational sense. Now if only love was rational, that would be great!
Thanks for your words and engagement. Once again I'm going to bed strong and hoping my subconscious doesn't take over and weaken me by morning, you know it happens!

Of course it happens and do not feel weak for your feelings. They are feelings, a feeling is never wrong!

You haven't addressed it in an objective view yet nor. You are still very normal at having these feelings for him. It's totally normal. If I could hop into my time machine I'd be married to Steven and not gone through the crappy men I've tolerated. (Well, maybe not) HAHA. You get my point though.

Until you dig deep inside and rip out the core, the symptoms are going to be present. Sadness, longing, fear and constant mind ******* your own self. I have been there. OR I am there now in the middle. Not sure, it's impossible for me to look inwards as it maybe for you as well.

I'm laughing at your analysis of my major and your major. I majored in Psychology and minored in Business. So, I'll return the compliment and say "You're good too"

I feel for you... I hope it gets easier.

:( Only time can make the pain go away??? You will never forget but time heals everything...