Nearly Everything Comes Back To...

Her chestnut brown hair... her billion-watt smile... the infectious tone of her laughter... her perspective and intellect... her talents and aptitudes... her demeanor and her sense of humor... She was quite possibly the first 'real' person of the female gender I ever met (outside of mom and my sister of course), and I was completely and totally in love with her.

I don't know that that ever changed.

We were young... We became friends shortly before our 16th birthdays, and she was actually dating a guy I claimed to be a good acquaintance. As she and I became closer friends, she told me some of the things he had subjected her to, and I realized I couldn't be a friend to that guy anymore. From day one I knew that I was extremely attracted to her... and not because she was unbelievably gorgeous... she was so sweet and precious... there was a fragility behind the facade she let me get beyond, and I wanted nothing more than to lover her, protect her, and take her away from the environment she had become used to while with him. She deserved better... and I actually believed I was better. I knew how to be a gentleman, to treat a lady, and my capacity to love without keeping it a secret was light years ahead of my contemporaries. I've never thought myself much in the looks department, but I was certain that if she would allow me to present her something else, she would likely choose to see what I was all about... what having me for a boyfriend would be like.

I was right! And thank God, too because when we got together, I was already head over heels...

She was my first, and I think if you could ask her, she would agree that the first time we made love was about as romantic and awesome as a first time could be. We were in the foothills overlooking the city lights on one side, and the most beautiful full moon I've ever seen above us. I had the top off my jeep, and though we were close to town, I think the two of us were worlds away from any and everything else. I cried... She didn't understand, but she held me. I think now that it was the loss of innocence, and thankfulness that I shared that with someone I genuinely loved.

We shared similar outlooks, we could talk about anything, neither of us were judgmental, and by all accounts, we were really into each other... I would cut school and go buy her roses, or lunch... She dropped to a knee (publicly! and on more than one occasion) and asked me to marry her!! I would play the guitar and sing to her, but she got jealous of the guitar!! I don't think I have felt so wanted even since...

We were horny teenagers, too... It seemed like every chance we got we were enjoying each other... At school, at our houses, the drive-in movie theater in a tin can of a car... even this old motel in a town about 15 miles away. We were learning together, curious, anxious, and respected each other... Love was paramount, and in retrospect its THAT fact that made everything else so right...

I got in a car wreck2 months or so after we started dating, and had head trauma... I had behavioral problems after that... outbursts at friends, disrespect for authority, problems at home... I became extremely clingy to her... jealous even. Of what, I have no idea... I realize now that I felt like my world was crumbling around me, but so long as she and I were ok, everything else would be, too. As Curly said in 'City Slickers', "You know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean ****." She was my one thing... At the ripe old age of 16, I knew. I don't think she ever doubted my love for her, but I believe through conversations we've had as adults she might have gained a better grasp of how seriously I meant that.

11 days after I graduated high school, I had to move across the country. 2500 miles of distance is not conducive to maintenance of a romantic relationship... especially for young people. I worked two jobs and saved every penny I could because I had this grand plan to go back so we could be together... That didn't happen. She met someone, and she hinted at it a few times during talks after I moved... but I didn't want to accept or believe it. When she told me, I was crushed. I couldn't blame her (though I wanted to)... Life happens... I didn't want to move across the country, but I had no choice... and life goes on. I couldn't understand, and I had no idea what to do. I had built a future with her in my mind, and I believed in it so strongly that the turn of events was something I couldn't understand. 2 years I spent... occasionally drunk dialing her professing my undying love for her... Its comical now, but... I was amazed even then at how strongly I still felt for her.

She, and our time together shaped so much of who I am today... my preferences in ladies, my thoughts on an ideal relationship, my desire for an awesome (best) friendship as the base of a romantic relationship, the need for intellect and conversation skills, the sharing of ideas, hopes and dreams... thoughtfulness... loyalty... honesty...understanding and caring... She was a brilliant teacher, even though she, too was learning along the way.

I felt like the luckiest guy alive, and even now some 16 years later... I feel so fortunate to have had her as such a big part of my life. Lucky for me, she still is a part of my life. She is married with children, and one of my very best friends. To quote the singer 'Sade', "This is no ordinary love..." And it isn't. I love her to this day. Of course that love has changed and matured, and above all else I respect her marriage... I wouldn't do anything to compromise her or her family even if I ever got the opportunity. I would, however, give her the biggest hug, and wish that whatever time we got to spend together would never end. We joke about the 'Bubble', and just as I would have 16 years ago, I would gladly hop back in the bubble with her every chance I got. 

If you ever read this D... I love you to the core of my soul. And that is as pure and selfless a statement as I have ever made.

Cunninglinguist Cunninglinguist
41-45, M
2 Responses Mar 14, 2009

wow..a freak in the bed AND a if you were only ten years older!

that's an awesome story :) very well written and something i can somewhat relate to. spending about 2.5yrs with a guy in high school (friends, not dating each other), learning, etc...i am grateful we had each other to talk to, lean on, etc. He played such a key factor in my life...and is STILL a part of my life as well (tho he is married with kids). It's just one of those things ya know? i totally get that.