Breathlessly... The Story Of How I Never Got To Say Goodbye.


Breathlessly, seamlessly, I loved him.

Sobbing, I curled myself into a ball and refused to believe the facts. He was gone now. Two years torn away as though they had never happened. Only they did. They happened and they were the best, most complicated, wonderful two years of my life. Only because he was there, was I able to carry on. Now, there was nothing. A void had control of my life. The vivaciousness of my living was ******** away and I laid myself, naked, on the floor of all of the hopes to come. People were meaningless, useless, and absent from my mind. No one was there except me and my emptiness. My soul screamed, as though a fiery ash had landed on its surface and burned through its translucence. I was contorted into this being with no comprehension of good or joy or any bit of happiness.

I had been depressed for years before this happened, but I always had him. He stood by me on my hard days, though he didn’t actually stand with me in person. We lived two hundred miles from each other, we broke up constantly because of it, but we always got back together. He was the sweetest man to have ever entered my life, and I thank God every day for that blessing. He was caring and loving and so passionate about God, that it made me tear up with admiration every time I was around him. Or it could’ve been the fact that I loved him so damned much that the thought of not having him in my life made my body hurt. Like it did now.

My heart ached for him, for his kiss, for his embrace. The sweet smell of his cologne is scarred my memory and I cry every time a man walks by with the scent of it. I am all alone in this world now. No man could ever compare.

To be cliché, he was my sunshine. The thought of him made me glow with happiness and now there was nothing. The void. The absence of all life, sound and being at all. My life was plunged into utter oblivion for a man that I had loved the better part of two years. I try desperately to find, in myself, the strength to carry on, but then I stopped. Why go on? Why live a life of pure disappointment and a longing that will never be fulfilled? Sometimes I wonder, ‘what’s the point of going on?’ and then I remember. You. You need me.

Random roses. Love letters. Sweet nothings on the phone at night. A wholesome, sex-less relationship that was perfect. Well, not perfect in the sense that you think of. We broke up constantly, but we knew we loved each other too much to be apart. I wanted him to be my first. Fate had things designed differently and rearranged my plans for the future. Fate is a cruel bed-fellow, and she is a relentless interloper that wedges between two partners.

We continued our complicated relationship for two years and there fate, yet again, interfered and pointed her gnarly finger, at him this time.

He was coming home from a party with a couple of friends and he wasn’t buckled in. A driver in the vehicle opposite his vehicle lost control and crashed into his side of the truck. The driver walked away from the accident physically unscathed, but I’m sure what he felt inside will haunt him for the rest of his life. The collision caused him to be thrown through the windshield, slamming him into the asphalt, killing him instantly. His friend, that was driving, was seriously injured and his friend that was in the back died on impact.

I was called at 3:33 AM on a night in 2006. I’ll never forget his dad’s voice telling me that his only son was dead. I have reoccurring dreams about what my subconscious thinks his body looked like on the pavement. The last time I ever saw his face was in a casket. He was dressed in a suit, the one he wore to prom when I was his date. His face was a light blue, cold and lifeless. I laid the last love letter that I wrote for him in the casket and sobbed as I walked away. My life was dead with him. He was the reason that I kept breathing. We had even talked about marriage, children. My plans were moot. My feelings were nil. No one could consol me. No one knew how I felt.

I grabbed my bag from the front row of pews and walked out of the church. His church, the one he was a youth minister for. The one where he grew up and where I visited him the first time I went to see him. God, nothing made sense. Except God. I delved into my religion. I read every verse that pertained to grief and tried to cope. But that didn’t stop me from collapsing in horror when I rediscovered that he wouldn’t be there to help me through. I’ll never find another man like him and I don’t plan to try to replace the man that I loved for so long. I tell everyone that I hate to commit, but the truth is I don’t ever want to get as emotionally attached to a person as I was with him. I don’t want to lose someone that important to me ever again, so I force myself to distance myself from everyone and everything. True, I have commitment issues, but not because I was born that way.

I loved. I committed. I lost. I died inside the day he was killed. Everything reminds me of him so if you want to see me sob, send me roses for no reason other than to cheer me up. If you want to see me bawl, play “Dance” by Garth Brooks. If you want to see me blubber, write me a love letter and call me “darlin’”. But if you want to be there for me, and be my friend, you have to know my story.

You are the reason I’m still here. I didn’t destroy my body, mind, or spirit because I knew that you would find me. I had that glimmer of hope and I’m here now. I’m beaten and bruised, but you have faith that I will heal in time. For all of this, I’m thankful and I love you.

ruggerbish ruggerbish
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 16, 2010

I wrote this about three years ago right after it happened. It's going to be 4 years this October 1st. Wow I can't believe it's been that long.<br />
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I still miss him, even though I'm engaged to another man. I'm not settling by any means, I just think I'm lucky to have found two men in my life that I have loved so completely.

I am so so sorry :( This is terrible, and I totally understand how you hate everything right now and just want to die. I'm not going to say anything that will try to cheer you up, cause I have no words for it. So sad. Just hold on. Don't give up. Good luck x

wow... thanks. That's beautiful :)