Still Missing Him After 20 Long Years . . .

He was my first love. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. He treated me like a princess and made me feel so special. Not that many people really get me, but he did and I felt so cherished and loved. He was warm and considerate and giving and intelligent and we had so many great times together. I loved him so much and had never felt so close to another person before in my life. I was his whole world. He adored me. I was too young to know what I wanted, but I had a feeling he wasn’t it. He really wanted a family someday and I knew I didn’t want kids and we were incompatible in some other ways as well so after three years, I broke up with him and started dating someone else. My new boyfriend couldn’t hold a candle to my first love, so we started seeing each other again. He really wanted to get back together, and though I loved him with all my heart, there was something holding me back, something that I still can’t put my put finger on to this day. My indecision cost me dearly. He fell in love with someone else and I realized too late that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted him back so badly. I tried to keep in touch with him, but he wasn’t particularly encouraging.

His new girlfriend broke up with him and while I felt terrible for his loss and his heartbreak, I was thrilled that he was available again and contacted him. My feelings for him hadn’t changed. If anything, they’d grown stronger. We started dating again and it was the most magical feeling in the world. I felt like I was really getting a second chance. I was so blind. I thought he still had feelings for me after all we’d shared together, but I think he was just seeing me to salve his damaged ego and for sex. Shortly after we’d started seeing each other again, he fell in love with the woman who became his wife and he quit calling me or returning my calls. I understand that not calling anymore is a time-honored way to break things off, but I thought that after 6 years he’d at least level with me. He didn’t. I asked him to just tell me if he didn’t want to see me anymore, but he lied and said he did and he’d call me in a couple of days. That was the last time we ever spoke. About six weeks after that I found out from a mutual friend that he’d introduced her to his new girlfriend. The pain was like a knife in my heart. I’ve wondered since then what was so fundamentally unlovable about me that he could just erase me from his life completely like that, as if I’d never existed at all.

I’ve never forgotten him in the twenty years since we last spoke. I’ve never quit wondering how he is or what he’s up to. I wish that we at least could have been friends.

Slackajawea Slackajawea
36-40, F
5 Responses Feb 19, 2010

Sorry, for so many comments. But I still hope things have gotten better for you. =)

I've returned. I'm sorry, about what happened. This story is just so sad. I hope things have turned out better since then. I'm still missing the girl, I talked about in a previous comment below. Time was never my friend, but change was my enemy.

definitely sad : (

Rereading this again, it's still so sad. D: I miss my ex girlfriend from 4 years ago. She meant the world to me, but apparently her world didn't have a place for me. ): Not a day goes by, that I haven't thought of her.

That's sad. ):