PhysicalWreck's Situation

 Zotz123 says: (March 7th, 2010 at 01:40 PM)

Dear PhysicalWreck, 

You said in your letter: "Just missing my love..."

That's sad.  When is your love coming back?  Is this the end of the end or just a transient thing?  I miss my love too.  However, the last time I saw that love dates back forty years.  When people talk about monogamy they always seem to mean physical things.  Not the spiritual aspect of love.  Our laws insist on one at a time with regard to marriage.  They say nothing of the essence of love, which is not sexual and over which I believe no one has any control. 

Can you love more than one person at a time?  Love in the sense I mean it?  Love is desperate attachment to the soul, the personality, the aura of another person, same sex or not.  Love is an urgent, terrible need to be with, contemplate, experience the essence of a particular other.  It may have nothing physical about it at all.  I say, from experience, from painful experience, that you can love more than one person at a time.  And that such love is no more under your control than the tides of the oceans or the course of a planet around a star.  And that it can last an entire lifetime.

I fell in love, deeply, seriously, completely in love with Woman A when we were both 16.  That love has never varied.  It exists as strongly today as it did fifty years ago.  Woman A has married, had children, had grandchildren, and I still love her as intensely and passionately as I did in 1970, the last time I saw or talked with her.  I didn't marry Woman A because, very stupidly, I cheated on her and suffered her gentle revenge: being struck off the list of possible mates, but still a very good friend.

I fell in love with Woman B when I was 23.  Having learned my lesson, I gave Woman B no reason to reject me, and, ultimately, we got married.  We've stayed married ever since.  I love Woman B very much.  But I still love Woman A.  I've never told Woman B about Woman A.  Woman B could never have understood how it is possible for a man to love two women equally - deeply, passionately, sincerely - for an entire lifetime. 

I don't know that women can comprehend that multiplicity in love is possible, in all sincerity, in all candor.  But it is possible: really, no kidding, no joking, no excuses.  At least for men.  Not being a woman I can't really know their position on this terribly important issue.   I think that you, PhysicalWreck (or they, women) would always, if they knew, suspect that they were being taken for a ride.  Being played for a dummy.  Taken advantage of. 

Yet, for a woman (Woman B) to be suspicious, to be alert for betrayal, would require her to believe in her lover's protestations that he, Man 1, though he hasn't seen or heard from Woman A in forty years, is still in love with Woman A.  I don't think that most Women B would have much faith in Man 1's assertions that he still loves Woman A.  I think most Women B would wind up, after a lot of mental debate, believing that she was having her leg pulled in a particularly nasty way. 

And yet I, and perhaps some others, would continue to assure her that what I asserted was indeed true:  with some people, love may be a minor affliction easily cured by the passing of time.  But with others (men? women? a majority? a minority? just one? a tiny group?), love may be something that doesn't just sputter and die, but instead lives forever, or at least to the term of that person's life. 

In James Joyce's short story, The Dead, a woman celebrates her marriage while thinking about another man she loved, a man who would have married her had he not inauspiciously died before it could happen. John Huston made an excellent film of it.  And the point of both the story and the film (for me, at least) was that we do not know whether, being still in love with her deceased lover, she could really love her new husband.  Keep in mind that both the writer of the story and the creator of the film were men.  I really don't think they could have spoken for women, as they tried to do.  It would be very interesting to see a woman director's version of the film.

So.  I hope that the reason you're lonely has nothing to do with what I've written above.  I hope that your love has simply made a weekend trip to visit his/her mother.  I hope that he/she returns and, if you're both serious, comes back and that you're married in the due course of events.

Good luck.  A good future.  A love that lasts forever.

Take care,



Zotz123 Zotz123
70+, M
1 Response Mar 7, 2010

What happened to you is the story of my life, when you have what means the most to you; you just take it for granted. I will always miss her, and I will always remember what I did wrong.<br />
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In truth, you can only love one person in this life. And after you give that love away to someone you never get it back. Everyone who comes next is just what you can settle for, or its a person you try to make a copy of from that first girl you fell in love with.<br />
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At least that is how I feel, I know that deep down inside I will always try to put that woman's face on every girl I come across. And to be honest, I don't think I will ever be the same.<br />
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I will always love her, just like you will always love Woman A.