I Am Still Broken....

I met this wonderful woman about 3 years ago. We hit it off immediately. She was beautiful and we made a lovely couple. We were so madly in love that I thought that I had found my queen. Things were perfect for the first 8 or 9 months. Then, something terrible happened. A condom broke and next thing I know, she is pregnant. I cannot explain how, but I knew immediately. I always feared this would destroy our relationship, and I offered to marry her right then and there to raise the child. We ended up choosing abortion, something that has always sort of haunted me. She was too young to have a child and I was in no position to support one. Things went wonderfully for the next several months, it was as if nothing had happened. We went on a trip to California together where she met my family. We hardly ever fought and I can only remember one actual fight (which was of course my fault) over something incredibly stupid. That was the last fight for months. Around Christmas of that year, she began to cool a bit towards me. I could tell, but I figured it was the natural progression of a relationship lasting over a year. Around that time, she got a job and began hanging out with friends, which I encouraged at first. Unfortunately, I could tell that they were a bad influence. On Valentines Day of 2009, she only hung out with me for about an hour. That day I had stopped into her work with a cupcake and a kiss (possibly a mistake). She had begun getting into marijuana (which I always smoked, though only occasionally) pretty heavily. One night, out of the blue, she had been smoking and we began talking. I do not remember the topic, but she said something to the effect of "I don't want to think about bad stuff". I prodded her a bit and found that she was no longer into me. I was devastated to say the least. I tried to talk to her about it and thought that things were smoothed over, though I had this sick feeling. I could tell she didn't really want to hang out the next night, a Friday, but I sort of forced the issue. I wanted to straighten things out if possible. I drove her home from the restaurant (where she was with her family and I had met them). During the drive, I offered her an out. I asked if she wanted a break. She said no, but then said that when she was kissing me it felt like leading me on. I knew this was bad, critical. When we got to her house, I just lost it. I know she felt bad, but I was in love with someone who was not in love with me. We didn't break up that day, but we might as well have. I spent the next day in bed. I slept all day, but had something that I had to get off my chest. I sent her an email which was heartfelt. I basically asked what she wanted to do and offered her another out. I spent the day after driving around, thinking, talking to my friends (knowing that it was inevitable). I could not talk to her without crying. I did speak with her that night and things were slightly more smooth, just not perfect. I knew it was still bad. All the while I was preparing to go to England for my Msc. I was dubious until this drama began. I knew I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to her, I loved her so much. Nevertheless, one day on the way to dinner, I told her I would cut her loose before I left. She again backed off, but all was not well. I decided to take a quick trip to Florida to clear my head. I needed to be away and not think about her. That didn't work, but it was a good idea in theory. I was with my best friend and a group of his friends. My head was of course elsewhere. Her grandmother died right before I left. I sent a card and a vase with flowers. She called me once to thank me, but I could tell she didn't want to talk to me. When I came back, I received a voicemail, saying that she didn't want to see me anymore, hoping we could someday be friends again. She was my first love, and I am still not over her. I may never be. I will never be friends with her and truly hope to never see or hear from her again, though always hope that she will come back and realize what a mistake she had made. There is really no chance of that, though, as this is not a book or a movie. Certain songs on my ipod still open old wounds, most notably "Romeo and Juliet" by the Killers (I listen to it 5 times in a row ever time it comes on in an effort to torture myself with the knowledge that I will never have that again. I have all but given up. I am broken. My heart is gone besides the pain. I am miserable, lonely, and pathetic. We really were Romeo and Juliet. I made her feel like a princess. Now I am the frog.
TheEvilLeaper TheEvilLeaper
26-30, M
Mar 8, 2010