I Could Never Forget You, I Will Never Be The Same.

its March 16, 2010.  I am 23 years old.  When I was 16 I started to suffer from depression.  I had a best friend of several years who stopped talking & hanging out with me because I got "boring." I didnt talk much, instead, i was inside my head always thinking.  I started talking to an acquaintence from school on AOL Instant Messenger.  He didnt have many friends either.  We started hanging out in the summer of 10th grade (summer of 2003) and in those couple months we became really close.  I opened up to him because he understood every aspect of me.  He was ALWAYS there for me.  He made me feel like I made a difference in his life and it felt more than amazing.  I fell so hard for him.  I cant even begin to describe how happy I was.him or not, i knew VERY well that i was.   when i was 17 my mom took me to a psychiatrist to get medicine for depression and social anxiety disorder.  Ever since, for some reason, I like girls.  when i was 18 my boyfriend allowed me to "hook up" with other girls... this completely destroyed our relationship.  we both cheated on eachother but it was like "u did it, so im going to do it" and it repeated a couple times.  when i was 19, i felt as if i was holding my boyfriend back from everything.  i felt like he needed to go experience the world, without me.  He somehow got off track in his life, he would call out of work, he changed jobs and did the same thing and then his new job fired him.  so, at 19, i broke it off with him.  i cried a lot when i did it because he wanted to be with me and making him upset hurt me A LOT.  i told him he needed to clean himself up and i'll be back in a couple months.  during those couple months, he lied to me over the smallest things and tried so hard to make me jealous.  he started dating some other girl and wanted nothing to do with me.  we didnt talk for 2 years and in those 2 years i missed him every second of every day.  i found out where he was working and emailed him, he was shocked to hear from me but excited.  i had to spill my feelings to him and i did.  he asked me what i thought it would be like if we were still together, i answered "happily married" and he agreed.  its now been 4 years since we broke up and he was in that relationship for almost 3 years.  he recently broke up with her and started dating another girl.  its been about 3 months for them now.  i wonder if she knows he talks to me? what she would think?  anyways, i asked him if there would ever be an "us" again but he refuses tp talk about that thru his work email.  for about a year i havent gotten a straight answer from him.  Why is he keeping me hanging from words he says or doesnt say? it drives me crazy.  for some time i felt like i was over and done with him, but all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i started to think of him and i miss him so much, it hurts like no other.  i dont know why once i finally forget about him, something, anything, just ALWAYS something comes up & reminds me of him.  i REALLY DONT GET IT and its frustrating.  i just.  i want him back.  :*(

scream4414 scream4414
22-25, F
Mar 16, 2010