Sileo In Pacis S.M.H.
For some reason, my memories seem to be much more faded than other people's. I seem to forget things much easier. I don't know if it is a coping mechanism or a result of all the drugs and seizures. I remember the way she looked at me when I was upset, with such compassion and deep love in her eyes. She would rub her hand across my cheek, push my hair away from my face, and make a small, sad moaning in her throat. Like she felt my pain and it hurt her just as badly. But that is one of the only specifics I can recall. I cannot hear her laughter in my mind, or the sound of her voice when she sang, although I remember she was always singing along to the music in her car. I do remember the essence of her, and it was beautiful. She radiated love and beauty. To this day, she remains the most selfless, kind, loving person I have ever known. As a young woman, she was very mature, without the envious insecurites that most women are controlled by. But she was not prideful either. She possessed an innocence that you could not help but love. Anyone who came in contact with her, whether only for a short time or for long enough to see her soul, was brought a new light and joy into their lives, just by knowing her. I sometimes wonder if the world would have corrupted her beauty had she been allowed to endure more than 18 years of this life. After nearly ten years, I am only just now beginning to feel more gratitude to have known her and experienced her love, than sadness and anger that she was ripped away. Her life and death and the pain it caused me are now just woven into the intricate fabric of who I am, instead of the all-consuming grief that plagued me for so many years. But it is still so hard. I miss her presence in my life. I wonder what our lives would be like if she was still here. What it would be like if she was pregnant with his first child, like I feel it was meant to be, instead of this other woman. What a beautiful, amazing mother she would've been. I can only hope our souls will meet again someday, somewhere, in a better place than this.