My Infectious Depression

I miss my friend.
 

I had to go away because i was hurting her with my depression.

 

I know that she was special. She is an angel.

 

I miss holding her. I never wanted anyone so badly.
 

I started to want her to myself but my depression meant that she needed too spend time away from me and that just hurt me at the time. I left for a couple of weeks, then it turnrd into over ten years.

 
 

And she needed her friends. She needed a friend. I was supposed to be there for her and I was never there
 

I don't deserve to have her back.

I still haven't fixed myself. I have always believed I need her to fix myself.
 

This is the friend I mentioned in a few stories..

 

I had a lot of crasie thoughts about her. About the danger she was in. They were not only crasie, they were all true as well. I just made it so I was the scary one, not the real dangerous people. they don't act crasie, they act all nice and they are really not , people have hidden agendas.
 

I never went to seriously look for her because I never felt I was good enough or well enough. I also know if she is married I mmight not take it.

 

I don't want her for sex but if I find her and she is married i will be very very distressed,, what is wrong with me?

Is it just because I am damaged?

Am I still in love? I f you meet an angel, how can you not be in love forever?
 

I don't know what to do.. to try to find her? And then what? I don't know  what to do with her.. I can't do anything for her..
 

every year I spend out here just addss to the insult,, she must think I really hate her to have left her for so long. I just hate myself still and i can;t love anyone if I don't love myself.

But I want her. In tears all the time from loneliness. Get no contact from anyone. No-one expects me, no-one ever seks me out, so I just move on.. and move on..


I have no home. Wanna leave but the borders blocked. My friend could be in Europe. I'd SWIM to see her. I'd canoe in the night to get to her. i believe she could make my pain go away. I have literally nothing to offer . i also get depressed, I just need someone. I was high a couple of days ago, now I'm low..

I have never fixed this problem. I'm telling secrets on here that are 25 years old.. but I really haven't faced this problem. I was pretty m uch obseesed with this girl. I was on the verge of being a stalker, I reckon. I don;t know what she would say.. Maybe she thinks I was a stalker..  I'm afraid of that too.

I was terribly afraid that i was just going to be like my dad, and maybe I hav the same problem but i am not going to be like him een if it means staying alone. SO I seem to be a living suicide. I stay alive but deny myself a life.

:'(

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
2 Responses Mar 8, 2009

I hope you get to see her again.

*hugs* :') ..I really hope she doesn't. I dont want her to know I've just exiled myself for like eleven years. I feel like I can't ever go back, but the thought of never seeing her ever. is just too much for me. If I ever found out where she is I'd be there immediately, well, I'd have to get there and I've no money, but, I'd get there, and I don't know what'd happen, she'd probably think i 'm nuts for still thinking I can be her friend. I still can't be my own friend, I'm always giving myself a hard time and It'll bring her down too if I don't get cured first.. I still see her as my cure though, I hate to admit it... I mean, we were friends but I think that I was in love, I just didn't know that at the time. I have always thought about her every day, but I have completely missed out on her life for al this time.. I can't imagine how she'll react if she finds-out how I have been living either, I mean I can't possibly contact her because i am on the road with no home and no income.<br />
**** I sound awful, don'tI?<br />
I am better in summer.. I still feel like I should keep away though. Like i know I just can't keep it casual.. if I saw her, I'd be in floods of tears.. <br />
*floods of tears*<br />
going for tissues! :'S