Missing My Grandad

I left my country nearly 4 years ago. I go back quiet frequently as I have a really close relationship with my family. My grandpa from my Mum's side passed away 8 years ago. It was difficult, but I was younger, my mum did not allow us (me and my sister) to be involved in his battle with cancer. We were not that close and I managed to find my way to get over his death.I miss him tho...

My grandad from my dad's side is very different. We were close, I was his 'queen'... He had an accident 4 years back, that's where it all started...  It was not his fault, but he felt it was. He lived with the guilt that he risked my grandma's life. Luckily he only had a small injury, but it changed him. He started to think about death a lot. He was 79 years old then. He stopped eating meat and then ha stopped eating gradually. He had heart problems, diabetes, but nothing life threatening. He started to loose his strength and he gave up. Nobody was able to talk to him. He slept a lot, stopped walking eventually he did not have the energy to get out of the bed. My family done everything they could. I look up my grandma as a hero. She took care of him every second. She did not take sleeping pills although she was exhausted because she was scared she will be too deep asleep and she will not hear if my grandad needs something.... My parents live close, so my dad and my sister visited them every day.  My mum also helped a lot searching for the  best doctors ande best treatments. 

He did not have cancer, he did not have a disease. He lost his energy, strenghts by not eating. The last time I saw him it was last Xmas. I was talking to him. I tried to tell him that he needs to eat to get better. I thought he would be better. I thought he would dance with me at my wedding. He is gone now. He gradually got worse and worse and on the 10th March I got the text from my Mum that he's gone... I was crying. I can not believe it. 2 days later I was on my way home to support my family. It is May now and I still can not believe that he is not with us. I feel weird. I think about him a lot. I feel guilty. I think I have not spoken to him enough to convince him to eat. I feel guilty that I was not involved and I was not there to help to take care of him. I know my family done their best, I know I could have not helped more... 

Nagyapa, I miss you! I can not believe that the next time I go home, you will not be there. Rest in peace and watch us from Heaven. I love you!
ifierce ifierce
May 5, 2012