If Wishes Were Horses

My Grams...I miss her so much. But never so much as in recent weeks.

She always knew what to say and when. No matter how bad things were she could speak a word or two and there was the silver lining. Maybe a little tarnished...but with a little work, it could polish up right nice.

It's no secret that my marriage is beyond crap. Has been for over a decade now. It's also no secret that after all the years and pain, love..real honest to goodness, unselfish love had come into my life.

I could smile again, ad laugh. Plans were being made... steps were being taken. Things were moving forward...things there was and is no way I can do alone.

It's also no secret that he died... freak accident. And While my heart is still breaking I also realize that everyting is back to business as normal.

I want my Grams...she knew how to say the things that made sense of the senseless. Words that could sooth and give courage.

I get told I'm stubborn and strong and a survivor etc... all those things could almost be compliments. But my Grams knew better...she told me 'needs must, when the devil drives'. For years I didn't understand...then one day it came to me...we do what we need to do, no matter the cost...simply because it needs to be done.

But right now...I don't want to do what needs to be done, I don't want to forge ahead...I want to curl up in a little ball and cry. I want to rest my head on her lap and let her brush my hair back and just let me weep. I want tea, and a soft blanket, and the murmur of her voice. I want a dreamless sleep, with the touch of her hand on my brow...soothing as she always could.

Something else she told me "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." Sadly...I understand that too.