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Her Name Was Nancy

I would first like to say Thank You. I miss you so much kokoom. I'm still thinking about you and you are in my heart. I don't know if you can read this right now or if your just bones in the dirt now. I don't know and I honestly don't have the faith to believe in your God. I am sorry. I am sorry for being such a **** up in my life. I remember when me and my brother were running around being little bastards you used to let us get into some trouble as long as we didn't get caught. Hahaha. I remember that one time me and my brother were climbing on these big moving vans and you came outside and were so mad at us. I remember jumping off and grabbing a tree trunk that took me down softly. Kind of like an elevator. Or that one time me and my brother almost burnt down the house by setting some newspapers on fire in the recycling bin. It makes me smile looking back on those times. Then we went to the stove and put the pots on our heads like a fireman and his hat. We didn't have to common sense to use the pots so instead we used our sippy cups. I remember that one of us got the idea to use the pots and then put out the fire after a couple panicky minutes. We didn't lose much though. Messed up carpet and a few jackets, meh. But then we left you. It wouldn't be a few years until we got to see you again. I remember the last time we seen you alive. It was a nice day and me and brother ran into you in the mall. We sat down and you bought us milkshakes, you were so happy to see us kids and we were happy to see you. For some reason you always carried cookies. I'll never forget the cookies you carried that day, they were brown sugar cookies and they tasted so good. We shared them and brought some home to mama and my little sisters. Life was good then. It wasn't as messed up as it is now. That was 9 years ago.

You've been dead for 8 years now. I visited your grave this past Summer, I haven't been there since you were lowered into the ground. I remember that day. I was still only a little guy though but me and my brother helped carry your casket into the hearse and at the grave site. It was raining that day too. I remember crying that whole day and seeing dad cry. Everyone cried. I remember seeing your face the last time and after that moment it would forever be locked away. I loved you and you we're gone. 8 years ago.

I'm 19 now and live a life were you would be disappointed. I am not ashamed though and neither proud. I regret the actions in my life. All of the pain and hurt I have inflicted onto others because I was a selfish fool. Although bad things have happened to me but none are more scarring than the sins I carry. I wonder if you would be disappointed in me. All of the sex, the drugs, the alcohol, the depression, the thoughts of suicide, and the scars on my body. I wonder if you would think me for a fool in the rain, kicking pebbles with my head down. I sure as hell am disappointed in myself. I know I could've done better with my life. I know I could've done better but it doesn't matter anymore. I look back on the bad times but I don't let it bring me down anymore. Its only castles burning. I don't look to the future either. I don't care about the future. I just know that I live in a constant of now and what I do at that moment is of my choosing, of my own will and that is the greatest freedom I have. I'll do what I must. Don't be ashamed for what I've done but be proud for who I am and how much I've endured.
Orchards Orchards 18-21, M Apr 10, 2012

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