I Made A Mistake And I Have To Live With The Consequences

So I finally ended my 7yr relationship with the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with. 4 yrs we fought to be together we made the unthinkable happen (we were just 2 random ppl who met online 1000s of miles apart) During those 4yrs we argued, split up but always seemed to somehow make up it always seemed like no matter what we where destined to be. He completed me he was my everything. He wanted to get married in the US lol he wanted to get married the moment we finally met, he proposed on the 26th June 2009 life really couldnt of gotten any better.. as much as I wanted to up and leave i felt guilty to leave my mum behind. She didnt work and was solely dependant on me esp financially (I often regret that decision perhaps life for us would of worked out) 17th January 2009 he surprised me out of the blue and told me he was tired of waiting for me and he was going to migrate to be with me I couldnt of loved him more he made the ultimate sacrifice and I was floored he was willing to give it all up for me.

So fast forward, he comes over stays for a few weeks, everyone loves him, his perfect we are both blissfully happy. Yes the strain of living with my mum was hard, but he respected her and in turn she loved him as her son. We started making plans to get married. Life was difficult for the first 6 months he was here he was unable to work as the application on the spousal visa doesnt allow the immigrant to work. So cost of living was solely down to me that was hard, I worked my butt of to provide for him, my mum and me I worked 15-18 hr days. often wkends if work was available. I had to finance a wedding, and his visa application (which in total cleared the savings that i had) whilst ensuring that there was food and the bills where paid on time.. He came with hardly nothing and the fact that he was so dependent on me whilst he spent the money that he did have so foolishy caused bitterness and tension. I remember asking him for money for the regisrty office which we both agreed on it was something like £360, he agreed to go halves on the day we went to pay he handed me £60 I was so mad, and so it continued I couldnt understand how he was so unwilling to help I didnt even expect much cause I understood how hard coming and transistioning into our family unit must of been for him (he was in the military he had lived by himself since he was 18 so i get that it was hard) But he failed to see my struggle, I guess he was so used to me being independant and providing that was of little concern idk but the problems continued to escalate

So we got married amidst the arguements, as petty as they were, became more frequent I had, who I beleieved was my friend turn against me doubting me of stupid trivial things when I always thought he knew me. we got married despite the uncertanity and things got worst. Now I'll be the first to admit I'm not pleasant when I'm upset I say the meanest things when I'm hurt, an awful defense mechamism to counteract all the hurt I feel from someones actions. And I said A LOT of hurtful things that I could never un-say. See words to me have little meaning I remember as a kid when I used to get teased my mum would tell me "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" and thats the same stupid philosphy I applied to my marriage never realising the pain those words I spoke caused so much damage. I hurt him by telling him if he didnt want to act as a husband then it was best he left, that I wanted a divorce cos I never signed up to being this unhappy, I told him how I felt, I confided in him and he never did the same he constantly ignored me and so the resentment grew. I wore my heart on my sleeve and he gave me nothing back just disrespect and silence

So we continued on, he became distant, never introduced me to his friends, lol he was so different in the US I met everyone and I was by his side always and for him to come over here and discard me hurt, it hurt alot.
He then started joining dating sites and it was always my luck that I would find out about it. and suddenly I'm not his friend on his facebook account, his cell phone is on silent he ignores calls when I'm around. etc etc Im a realist i hate bs and i hate being taken for a fool So I told him if thats what you wana do, do it but dont keep pretending you want our marriage to work when you dont have any intention of being with me. Another drastic change when he was in the US he made everyone know I was his fiance like two loved up school kids everyone knew my status despite him living in the states he used to be proud to have me by his side. Due to facebook he met family members and was on his cell constantly due to the time difference, even going out for a meal would be a problem cos his fone was always in his hand, lol it was so embarrassing sitting there watching everyone engage around me whislt he sat there on his cell. If i mentioned it was a problem, **** everything was a problem. the way I dressed, the way I picked at my food, the job I had. And then my self esteem and confidence went out of the window. I constantly felt like I was not good enough, he didnt even want to have sex with me, but happiliy watched ****, and i despised him. I had never let anyone make me feel bad about myself but I was here over analysing myself, critical of the weight gain, comparing my body and feeling more and more less desirable.

He started going out more each day coming home later and later he'd leave the house at 8pm the evening before and come home the next morning. Christmases where horrible birthdays where spent alone and he knows as for the last 4 yrs when he lived in the US i would fly in esp to celebrate his own birthday with him how important special occasions where to me. He cut me out of his life totallyhe would wake up get dressed and gone for the day, home get changed out for the night and every wkend it was the same ****. Funny thing was when things where fine he was a good husband he loved to cook (typical Jamie Olivier) would bring me my food beautifully presented and then he'd stay home cuddled up in bed as much as I hated tv and as much as I loved him for that I wanted more. I wanted a friend to take me out, to have fun with to plan vacations with I didnt care doing what, I wanted to go dancing, or to go to a bar, to laugh, to hold his hand, to feel loved and I became the typical stay at home wife that was only good for nagging and cuddling up to in bed and even that was infrequent. If I told him how I felt he would do the opposite, and the more he did that the more we argued or I argued and he ignored me. I would find hotel receipts, and transactions on his bank account for dining at restuarants and if I asked him about it, he'd tell me "this house is not my home, I stay out cos I am not wanted here"!!! and reasons for the dating sites and eating out would go answered. But what got me mad was he could spend his money outside but could never buy food or items for the house, that the shared rent kept going into arrears cos he was to busy living a lavish lifestyle drinking with his mates and I suppose entertaining a female. he lived a secret life I later found out that he lost alot of money doing stocks and took out a loan to pay it back lost that set of money and is in a **** load of debt.

I felt awful, I knew most of the reasons for the distance was my fault I used to be so care free, never upset for long and yet now i was constantly upset, so in some ways i dont blame him for not wanting to be around me. But what I dont get is why keep up the pretence the door was always open for him to leave he had a good job that paid really well he was always about the money lol. He moaned if I maked more than him, constantly changing jobs for a bigger pay packet, he moaned that things werent 50/50 when that couldnt of been far from the truth, he moaned if I brought myself a new dress. Money would become a major problem and I couldnt understand why as I had I gave him everything when he had nothing, he had forgetton all what I did how I financed everything, he said I never helped him I was never there I couldnt understand that, true I'm honest to admit I could of done more everyting was alien to him when he first came he would ask me I would tell him and like a kid he would ask me over and over again lol he would never take my advice, or he would ask for help with his c.v etc when he first came, I would help him and he would then go and get his friends to change everything. I guess I always felt un-important, unappreciated I had changed, and instead of being loving towards him I was so full of hurt I became so bitter and I guess now I type this I should of repayed him with kindness and quit going to bed mad and waking up mad (it did us no favours)

Anyways I realise I've ranted (sorry)

So more recently he found out he had a sister and a father he never met, we had made the decision that he would most likely return to the US, and he would help me obtain my US citzenship. Our marriage of 2 yrs had declined significantly. I had found out he was most likely having a relationship with some girl who worked at his job which he always denied. he left that job brought me a car, (half was my money that he owed me from using all our wedding present money to send him back to the US to complete the visa process) He was helping me less and less, sleeping out more and more and we hardly spoke. Yet he never left me, I often wonder if thats cos he wanted his papers but I doubt it he hates it here in the UK, and his good friends with his solicitor so he was having his home office mail go straight to the office. IDK i cant question his actions. In August I took a vacation a present to myself I had some work done I wanted to fall in love with me again. I foolishly msged my husband 4 days before I was due to come home. I asked him why we never tried to make thing better and why if he never wanted to be with me why did he keep pretending you did?, he told me "how so? I came over here for you, you gave me no help it was all lies, you and your mum lied to me it was never 50/50"

i then asked him how could he say that after all we did, and he replied " you never helped me with **** please, I was always there I always tried to make things work" and so it went on and I just saw red we was miles away I'd been on vacation for nearly 3 weeks and instead of saying we missed each other yet again we was fighting. IDK why I did what I did next it all happened so fast I didnt even give it a second thought but I wrote an email to his solictor asking to withdraw my application to support my husband. He hadnt been a proper husband to me for almost a year, I was recovering from surgery (which I hadnt told him about) but that was the last thing I expected to hear from him, true he had told me this alot throughout our marriage it was his ungratefulness and lack of apprecation that led to the resentment in the first place. Prior to msging my husband I had called my mum who told me there was no food in the house (she's elderly and suffers from arthisitis )so I was already pissed I felt if anyone was using anybody it was him leeching of us, paying his small amount on the rent, never brought anything in that house other than the food he ensured he ate out. Never once helped me or mum to decorate or fix/ replace the things he had broken like the doors he smashed in when he came home drunk and upset, or the tv that he wanted to buy my mum as a xmas present that he said we would go halves on and after 8 months of waiting I had to pay for myself) oh I could go on, cos it wasnt as if he didnt make enough money to help us, his family he just chose to live a lifestyle of a single man.

Funnily enough after writing the letter I forwarded him a copy and he understandable was mad, so much so he damaged the car he brought me and dented the body work something crazy, we argued back and forth he threatened to sue me when he got to the US, said I would have to repay all his debt (thank GOD we never took out our loans in joint names). But as weird as it was we exchanged alot of msgs and he seemed to open up a bit, he told me things like he didnt regret getting married, he still cared for me but he was going home but he wanted me to have a good future so he would help me with my visa. I returned home a few days later and although he ignored me but he continued emailing me, offering to help etc etc. He slept in the front room and would ignore me if I spoke to him directly (weird I know)

So it went on for weeks like this, occasional emails and I suggested as he was going home that we should get a divorce ( silly as he never asked for one, and in truth i never wanted one but we had hurt so much and i figured if he was really going back to the US it would be easier to file as he was still in London, despite my hurt I was always thinking of him, he never answered. I guess I should of seen that as a sign, but I foolishly ignored it. He continued to go out, come home from work shower and back out again. I hated the atmosphere, I would of rather he told me I was a spiteful ***** he hated me something anything than to keep ignoring me but he never did. He was going out living his life instead of trying to fix anything so I asked him to leave, I figured if he felt my mum and i was using him why would he want to stay in a house where he felt like that. worst mistake of my life!!! the following friday night he did the usual he got dressed, and was gone all night, the next morning he still wasnt home at 3pm the following day, I msged him asking if he was ok. no reply. I had to go to work for 6pm so left at 5, my mum called me a 7pm to tell me my husband had come home packed his things gave her the house key kissed her goodbye and left.

i was to stunned to cry, I was working and i called my best friend ( my maid of honour) she called him on a 3 way I listened to him tell her he was gone and was never coming back, that he loved me but I had changed, that I got what I deserved? did I really deserve that?, such a cowardliy action, he knows had I of been home I never would of let him leave that house without a fight. Yes I did say thats what I wanted (stupid I know) he msged me that night to say he did love me but he cant live like that,that he was better of alone cos live was too short to live so unhappy. Ironic as I had told him that for quite some time but if that was the case why didnt he try to change things? we could of moved out got our own place etc etc, he could of dropped his lifestyle and I would have no reason to complain

Its been almost 3 months since his been gone, he ignores most of my msgs but the occassional few. he obviously got his papers since his still here. he called my mum to say he will return to the US before the yr is out.

The saying you never know what you got till its gone is so true, as much as I hated the lifestyle we created I miss the possibility of fixing things, of a future with this man, I wish I never asked him to leave, I wish I told him that day that I loved him and I was coming back to fix things no matter how long it took. that I loved him and was determined to fight for a future that I would never ever give up on him. Actually I wish I never msged him at all. He finally agreed to a divorce and said he will give me half the funds to file and ironically as much as a threw that option in his face I dont think I can go thru with it.

I read so many stories about marriages falling apart due to spouses cheating, having children with others but they are able to forgive each other and pick up the pieces, forgive and continue living their lives. I pray daily for a reconcilation I foolishly msg him from time to time. I also found out since we have split that he paid money into the account into the same girls account that he profusely denied being in contact with.. lol the same girl that was no longer in this country. .

SO why do I keep wanting things to work out? I had the perfect relationship for almost 4 yrs and I miss him like crazy, with every fight we had and the breakups in between we always managed to find a way back to each other ( I regret not remebering that) I would forgive and forget in a heartbeat. am I wrong? when he does choose to reply its random things like " you took yrs of my life that I can never get back" i replied what about my life I never wanted none of this heartache either. he never admits to being with her despite me sending a pic of his bill statement letting him know i KNOW. If he was bold enough to walk out of this marriage surely he could just admit to being with her? if thats the case but he blames me for everything lol even after treating me the way he did. I kinda get the feeling if I never asked him to leave he would of forgiven me IDK everything is a big flipping mess. He left, he makes enough money to handle the courts cost of filing for a divorce but wont file? Surely that would be on his list of priorities? I know I need to move on, I am happy to an extent that I dont have to see him living his life and leaving me broken and sad all the time. But the thought of meeting someone new scares me especially as all i really want is for him to come home

anewme11 anewme11
26-30, F
3 Responses Dec 10, 2012

My husband and I met online 7 months ago, I'm on the west coast, he is on the east coast. We are still long ding, we fight on stupid little things when we see each other, but I miss him terriblely when I'm away.

oh that is so so sad ;,,-( But he's not right in the head, maybe he is depressed or has PTSD because if he loves you he would not be treating you like that. It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds and he has given you no credit love or attention after all you have done. We ALL say things we regret when we are hurt. He doesn't sound prepared to talk like an adult throughout all this and that is terribly unfair. You deserve so much more. How dare he put you through all this! You've been a saint to be honest. He is so disrespectful going on dating websites and clearly wining and dining other women. It's a disgrace. You sound amazing and fair and you deserve a life where you can be yourself and explore the world around you. He's not going to give you that. I still love my ex husband and he put me through a hell of alot, and vice versa. It's hard. Real hard. But if you stay strong, make yourself hate him then forgive him internally and start dating new people, but be picky, he will blend into the background and you can start to live again. Get rid of him and let him see how much better you can do. I hope you're feeling better x

Feel for u.. U could still have a final chat with him n see if theres any chance for u.. Seems like comunication was a big problem in ur marriage with him ignoring u wen ther wer problems.. Mybe u cud get counselling together to sort this. Call him over n try once again while ur still married. Dont give up if u really belive in it. Hope it works out for u both.. N god bless u both xx