My Husband Died

My husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack on July 4th.  He was 55, and had no symptoms or warning signs.  I can't bear to live without him.  We've been together since I was 16 and I'm 46 now.  I've never lived on my own, and I don't know what it's like to be "single" - I've always been part of a couple.  I cry every day...I don't want to live without him.  We had a wonderful life together - never had any children by choice - we devoted ourselves completely to each other...and now I'm alone.  I feel as if I'm paralyzed or crippled...I just do what is necessary to get through each day.  I love God and I have a lot of faith, but that faith is being tested now, and I'm angry at God for taking him away from me.  I want to die so I can be with him.
jbonestone jbonestone
161 Responses Aug 23, 2010

I totally understand your feelings. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband of 15 years died suddenly with no heart symptoms and this was a total shock. I miss him terrible and I have never lived alone either. I am so shattered I dont know how to cope. I feel the same. I have a loving family and a son and all I can think of is wanting to die to be with him. It doesn't make sense but it is true it's a hurt feeling

Hello Lorymisty, we are all the same, lost, lonely and miss the one person that could make everything better again. We were together 50 years and when he died 20 months ago, so did I in a way, I have children and grandchildren but it doesn't help, they go on with their lives, like I did many years ago when my mum, dad and sister died, but then I had my beloved husband to put his arms around me and tell me that he loved me and we would get through it together.
I feel guilty because even though I have a wonderful family, they cannot fill the emptiness since my husband died. I just wish I could go to bed and never wake up again. I used to love getting dressed up to go out with the girls for lunch, knowing my husband would be there waiting for me when I got back at tea-time. Now coming home to an empty house makes me not want to go out at all. I get up in the morning, take my dog for a walk, have breakfast then think, I cannot be bothered going out so again I stay in, watching films, reading a book, but I just cannot concentrate on anything.

This site is a great help because I know we are not alone in our grief. Other people are going through the exact same thing, many much younger than I am with all their lives in front of them. I would give anything to go to sleep and wake up in 1964 the night I met my husband and do it all over again. I wish and wish but it never happens. Look after yourself. Love Sheilax

I feel so empty and your right in saying that no one can fill that space in your aching heart. I don't see anything that will make me feel better at this time in my life. As it turns out, today would have been 16 years together and I wish I could just go back to the day we met and not take things for granted as I did and not be so dependent because it just makes things harder to do the things he did for me. This is so overwhelming right now. I am also trying to get a full time job and I am not having much success. I just hope things will work out for the better because right now I don't see how any good can come out of this. I am feeling hopeless. Your story seems to be mirrored with mine. I use to go out and spend time with friends knowing that I will get home and he will be waiting up for me.
Thank you for the time you took to make me realize someone else understands exactly how I feel. I keep saying that no one really gets it unless they actually lose their mate. It's just not the same, yes they feel sorry for our loss and try to be understanding but cannot be in your shoes and feel the true emotions behind this great loss

I totally agree with you about doing it all again because if we had two lives we could live our first life and then when our husband died, we could live it again and stop the illness that took our beloved partner. I know for certain that it was smoking that killed my husband, the specialist told him that his lungs were completely rotted due to smoking but apart from his lungs, he was a very fit man, so I would stop him smoking and he would be alive now. Our son gets married in 9 weeks and I am dreading it as his dad won't be there. Trying not to cry will be so hard for him and me. I have a hen party in 3 weeks and to be honest, I would rather stay at home, being in company with everyone laughing, drinking and talking bores the life out of me as I am not with my husband, if we went out with friends it was lovely being with my husband as I knew I was going home with him but just sat drinking with lots of girls isn't my thing at all, if my husband had been alive, I would have enjoyed myself, knowing he was at home waiting for me to come home and tell him all about it. But it is just going home to an empty house, there is no joy anymore, nothing to look forward to, it is a lonely, miserable life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My friends say they are sorry but one day it will happen to them then they will know what pain really is. You have this massive, cold hole in your chest that never warms up. All I want is my husband back again and knowing he isn't coming back is killing me. Love Sheilaxx

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I am I exactly the same situation I wake up every morning and it hits me that he will never be holding me again and I feel so angry that he's been taken from me. I have not even been allowed to see him as there is a police investigation as to why he suddenly died. There will be a post mortem before I can have the funeral. Because I have not seen him it's like it isn't real I need to say goodbye and tell him I love him. I don't have any real friends my sons are the only people I have to talk to one is broken by the loss and the other has not cried yet. I go to bed and don't want to wake last night I wished it had been a bad dream and I would wake and he'd be here.

Oh Barbara, I am so very sorry, it is absolutely terrible. It has been 18 months for me and I still can't get over my husband not being here. I still cry every single night for him. Nothing seems worth while anymore. My husband had been very ill for three years so it was straight forward as he died in hospital so I didn't have that to worry about on top of everything else. My sons are in their 40's with their own lives and even though it really upset them they are managing to cope as they have their wives and children to help them through it. I have no-one and you sit alone in the house you shared, me and my husband for 50 years, and hope to god I could go to bed and never wake up again. I am in the same position as you, I don't have many close friends as they all dwindled away when we could not visit them due to my husbands illness, now I just feel isolated. We were lucky we were at my husbands bedside when he died so we could all tell him we loved him but whether he heard, I don't know, but at least we were there and it must be terrible to have not been able to do that for your husband. I don't know what else to say, I wish I could say it gets easier but for me, after 18 months, it is as if it happened yesterday. If your sons still live at home with you then you have to go on because of them but if you are on your own it will be much harder as you have too much time to think about it. All I did was take one day at a time, and once my husbands funeral was over, we had three months of going through probate, altering documents, letting companies know of the changes in circumstances. My sons, like I said are grown up so they did all the running about for me, I just dealt with the phone calls and signing papers when I had to. So the first four months went by in a blur then when it was done it really kicks in and you know that this is your life from now on. It hurts, it really does. I just hope you know that you are not on your own and there are many people going through the exact same thing as you are, even if you think that no-one can be hurting as bad as you hurt, but believe me, they do. Sending my sincere regards. Sheilax

Hello Barbara I'm so very sorry for your heartache I know how hard the road ahead will be I'm still trying to make sense of it all I'm coming into 18 months for myself so please all I can offer is to take your time cry scream all you want day at a time and know we all care it's the only hope we have truly karyn

My Husband Passed Away in My Arm's, 2/19/16 in our Rented Home of 7 Years. We Rent from his Sister. The minute Louie Died, My Sister in-law told me " You have to Move, you can't Stay here anymore!!!" on 3/1/16 She Taped on My Door a "3 Day Pay or Quit" & a "60 Day Vacate" I am all Alone, on S.S.I. ($889 per Month). I have not even had time to Cry !!!!! I am out EVERY Day Looking for Somewhere to Move......My Sadness and Confusion are Unbearable. My Rent is Always Paid on the 2nd of every month, Never Ever has My Rent been Late.....I am Not Angry, just Lost. I live in Bakersfield, California. As you can tell by My Post, I am so Consumed with the Thought of Leaving Our Home where We made so many Memories, I can not even Express all of My Feelings of Emptiness from the Death of My Husband. We were Together 18 years. I would Never Wish this Pain and Sadness on ANYONE ! At 54 years Old, We were Only 2 Months apart in age......

My goodness, that is absolutely terrible, what kind of a monster is your sister-in-law. I would take this up with someone urgently, if you are not behind with your rent as you say you are not, then she cannot do this out of the blue. I know how you are feeling with the death of your husband but this coming on top of it would send me over the edge. In the United Kingdom we have a Citizens advice Bureau who deal with this kind of thing, but in America I don't know the law. You need to speak to one of your friends and ask them to help you. I am so very, very sorry, what you are going through over and above your husbands death is absolutely terrible.

Fancy, I am so sorry for the devastation your sister in law is putting you through at this difficult time in your life. That is heartless. I would never wish this on anyone either. Its an emotional rollercoaster and on top of things having to deal with other issues just makes it more of a disaster. You will need to get settled and take the time to grieve because that is an important part of the process.

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Hello, I am writing to you as I would like to know how you are. I know your beloved husband died over 5 years ago and I would like to ask you a question. Has it got easier. My husband died 17 months ago and I am dying inside, I just want to know how many years I have got to live, crying everyday, my heart breaking every day. Please reply to me.

Hello I come on this site when I need a little support it brings me some comfort not quite sure why maybe I don't feel so alone my husband died just on 17 months now and I to hate the loneliness missing him immensely I can only say please take one day at a time this seems to make us cope and know if you ever want to talk I'll listen your new friend in this horrible club sincerely karyn

Hello, I feel exactly the same as you Karyn. My wonderful husband died exactly 17 months ago too. I am existing, not living, I still cry every single day for our lost life and lost future. I spend more time thinking of the past than looking forward. I have loving sons and grandchildren but even they don't stop the pain because all I want is my husband. I think, everyday of when we met and how much in love we were. I look at our photographs of when we were in our teens in the 60's, two young people so much in love, ready to take on the world with all their lives in front of them and I cry. I feel like screaming. There is this ache in my stomach that never goes away. I even had hospital tests but I was fine, they say it is just down to stress. I try and take one day at a time but each morning I get out of bed and think, another long day, I was supposed to go out today, all my clothes hanging ready to wear, but I just couldn't face it. Coming back home to an empty house kills me. I would like people who lost their husbands/wives five or more years ago to come on the site and tell us how they are now, because I just cannot even think about another 3 years without my husband and feeling like this. Thank you for replying. Please keep in touch. Sheilax

Hello I'm so glad you answered me I feel like I now have a friend I'm not so alone that is what upsets me the most the loneliness I think of my husband every day miss him every day but I go on knowing I'll see him again we have to and I pray to god that we all get through this I tell you those first 12 months were terrible I couldn't grasp that he was gone I was physically sick all the time still not there completely but just coping I'm so sorry for us all I hate this pain wish it was me first so selfish but if only I could go back I had my daughter stay for awhile but she left and then I stayed with my son for a week but I had to go home I can't leave that's were my husband died and I feel like I'm leaving him behind I know it sounds crazy but at least I know he was last here with me I hope the years go so quick please keep writing and take care of yourself you'll see your husband again it's this thought that keeps us all living on your friend karyn

Hello, I feel exactly the same, I just cannot stop crying. I have told my sons I am not leaving our home until I can no longer manage, as it is a large house. I have this ache in the pit of my stomach, like a cold ice ball that never goes away. I look at pictures of us when we were young and carefree and I cry for what we no longer have. It seems like yesterday when we first met, I remember more of all our years together than I remember of what happened to me a few days ago. I can look at a photograph of us all on holiday and I can remember everything about it. I still hear him calling my name during the night like he used to do when he was ill, I jump out of bed then realise he is not at the side of me. I used to sleep top n tail with him as there wasn't any room next to him because of all his pillows so I slept with my head at the bottom of the bed so I would be there when he needed me. I just want the years to go as fast as possible, I have my lovely sons and grandchildren who I love very much but I just want Peter back. Nothing matters anymore, I live day to day. I am 73 years old and thank god I am not younger as I could not face many, many years without him. I believe my husband will be waiting for me when it is my time to go. I keep asking him to come for me after our beloved pet has died because I don't want to die and leave him to have to go into a dog's home as my children won't take him as he is a very large dog, he was my husbands best friend, so I will wait until something happens to him then I want to be with my husband. I still have all my husbands clothes. He kept all his clothes in our spare bedroom, (which my grandchildren sleep in when they stay over), in his own wardrobe so there is no need to get rid of them, if I did get rid of them it would be like saying, this is real, I don't want it to be real I want to believe that he will come back one day but I know it won't happen but I still refuse to get rid of his things. Please keep in touch. it does help knowing that you are not alone in this terrible situation. Your friend Sheilaxxxxxx

Hello Sheila my husbands name is also Peter it seems we also share the love of a man whose name is the same I'm a little envious of your age I'm 57 myself wish I was older but when our time comes who knows we will join our loved one when the time is right I'm so sorry for you for me for anyone this pain is so great but I've hardened a little knowing no such pain can ever affect me like this again my one true love has gone I will never love like this again to risk it all again never so I we go on just living and hoping soon I also care for my dog we use to always joke over whose dog he was but I know he loved my husband more he was constantly with him where ever he went I'll bury him with him when the time comes I myself couldn't keep all his clothes they were a reminder that he couldn't use them anymore but gave his personal things trophies etc to our sons they all have a little something to remind them of dad please take care and write to me whenever you feel a little better cry as often as you like I still do but then I pick myself up and think soon sweetheart I know I'll see you again you will to see your Peter love can't die not in our hearts or memories your friend karyn

Oh Karyn, you are so young. I feel so terrible because I had nearly 20 years more with my husband than you had with yours and instead of moaning about what I have lost I should be grateful for what I had, a long and happy marriage. It puts things into perspective for me in many ways. Your lives were cut short much too soon, whilst I had so many more happy years with my husband. He saw his two sons grow into men in their 40's, he saw them both get married, he saw his three grandchildren born and grow into youngsters we could take out and about. We had so many holidays abroad. I will now try and look on the bright side and think about what I had instead of what I have lost. My mum was 55 years old when my dad died, my brother-in-law was 46 when my sister died, my mother-in-law was 33 years old when her husband died, they managed to carry on. The saddest thing is that until it happens to you, you have no idea of the pain they all went through when they lost the loves of their lives. For the first time in 17 months I am looking at things in an entirely different way. I am now thinking how very lucky I was for knowing Peter for so many years instead of thinking why me, why has this happened to me, I should be down on my knees thanking God for what he gave me and not for what he didn't. You look after yourself Karyn, I will be thinking of you. Keep in touch won't you. Sheilaxx

I cried today when I received your response only thinking yes if I could of had another twenty years with Peter but then I realised it wouldn't of mattered as 1,2,3,etc years I couldn't let him go I still can't and yes I cried for you for this pain I now hate my life and everything I just hate that I wake everyday just drags on by I'm sorry I don't want to make you upset but it's one of those bad times but then the good memories will slowly come through and we will both get through this you sound like a lovely person and I'm sure your husband was is he had to be his name is Peter all my sincere thoughts to you please take care your friend karyn

Hi Karyn, I finally found your reply, thank you so much. I know just how lucky I was to have had Peter in my life for so many years, there are so many people on this site, you included, who were so terribly young when they lost their beloved husbands/wives. I had a bad night last night, tossing and turning. I still have my husbands ashes, I am keeping them until I die and my sons know to scatter them together, I was talking to Peter as I do a lot, and asked him to ask God to let me live long enough to see our Barney, Peters best friend, his German Shepherd pass away, then I have asked Peter to come for me. I do not want to go on years and years, if I can manage another 3/4 years until Barney dies then I will have had enough. Like you say, life is not worth living anymore, I have a lot to look forward to, my son gets married this year, he was divorced but has now found happiness again, Peter met her before he died and thought the world of her. I have holidays with my family arranged but sadly it means nothing without Peter. Each morning I wake up and the first thing I say is, morning darling, then realise I have another long day in front of me and a longer night. Every three weeks I go to a meeting where there are widows and widowers, it isn't a counselling group, but they organise trips and meals out. I go, have coffee and tea, listen to the talks etc, but when I come home I say to Peter, I am home love, but this isn't me. To be honest I would rather stay in the house 24/7 and never go out again. I remember when my dad died and my mum was in her early 50's. Every night she had a dream where there was a road that branched out into two roads and on one of the roads stood my dad with his hand out. My mum went to see a spiritualist to find out what the dream meant as it went on for months, the same dream over and over. My mum was told that my dad was asking her to take his hand as he had come for her. She was told if she took the other road the dreams would stop. She told me that she didn't know what to do. I told her I was pregnant with her first grandson John. That night she had the dream again and took the other road and she never had the dream again. She lived another 30 years without my dad, had another three grandchildren but lost her daughter, my young sister, to cancer. She was never the same woman again, where she had been a gentle woman, she became a woman who always thought the worst of everything. I often wonder if she had wished she had taken the road where my dad was waiting for her. If it wasn't for our Barney, I would want to go to bed tonight and never wake up, that is how much I miss my husband. I honestly cannot face all those years without him, I feel now as if I am leaving him behind, every day of every month. I would never do anything stupid but I just don't want to be here anymore. Which country do you live in Karyn. I live in the United Kingdom. Speak to you soon.xxxxSheila

Hello Sheila it's strange how you say you feel as if your leaving him behind this is the way I feel about my darling Peter as he died at home and you know I've tried to stay at my sons place but I just couldn't get it together I felt that I've left him behind I had to get back to him but I hate this place it's not home anymore I wish I could dream but I don't I would of taken the other path just to be with him I know we all would but having your first born grandchild that's a beautiful path to come down I'm glad you have someplace to go just so your mind is a little relaxed with your group I can't find a support group here but looking into it just for the loneliness of it all I'm glad you have something nice to look forward to with your sons wedding these few occasions come upon us like Christmas Easter holidays but there just not happy anymore I only hope you live to fulfill yourself until the time is yours I'm going to be buried with my love I visited his site every week for the 1st year never missed a weekend but now go every two weeks the weather is just so hot the flowers didn't last so now I only take them on the better days what a thing to look forward to but I know we'll be together there one day I hope like you that it's not long I've seen my children grow up the grandchildren there's nothing I want to see if he's not here to see it with me please take care from your new friend in Adelaide xxxkaryn

You are many thousands of miles away from me Karyn, yet I feel as if I have known you forever. Grief brings people together in a way other things never could. Like I say I have many things to look forward to this year but without Peter they are meaningless. When you share most of your life with someone, you never want to experience anything else without them. Many is the time I am supposed to be going out with my family and friends but find a way to get out of it. I lie and say I am not feeling well. I know it is terrible because I know they will worry about me, but I just cannot go out and put a smile on my face, my jaws ache with the trying of it. It is freezing here in the United Kingdom but spring is on it's way. Tulips and daffodils etc. are all showing. We loved to sit out in our garden and have coffee together and just talk about things. but now, every time I sit out I cry as there are too many happy memories, but the sad thing is, our Barney still sits in the garden and looks through the back window waiting for my husband to come outside and throw the ball for him. I even look through the window to see if I can see Peter sat there, I cannot help it, I just think that one day I will see him sat in his chair waiting for me to go to him. My next door neighbours daughter gets married next month to a young man who was born in Australia, lived in New Zealand and now lives in the UK. His parents are still in New Zealand so they have a choice of living in which countries they want to. I found a quote which said 'only people who have loved deeply will ever know the feeling of true grief'.' Which is absolutely right. Love Sheilaxxx

Hello Sheila your country and climate sounds beautiful to me I love the winter many people don't but I do glad Spring is soon to come for you the flowers love the spring your garden with its chairs out the back sound like a picture perfect place for loving memories just like out of a book it brought a smile to me Barney knows also the yard would hold wonderful memories for him I know how you say keeping up the pretence that everything is ok your ok is so tiring I myself keep this up to my children but when alone I hate it the utter sense of being here alone tears you apart but you try for every ones sake to keep going but my thoughts are only of him Just never thought this would could of happened but now learning life is just so unfair but hold dear to Peter your love my love goes on that can't won't die together we have found true love some people don't ever get that we were so incredibly lucky your friend over many miles love to you karyn

Hello Karyn, I awoke this morning to the birds singing and the trees in my garden are now starting to leaf so they are full of birds. Our Lilac tree is in bud and should be flowering soon. I have a large garden which goes right around the house and we get the sun from early morning until late evening. It was a lovely day yesterday the 17th March and I was sat out nearly all day. Even when it started to get dark, I sat on my garden swing, throwing the ball to Barney. I should really have been in bed but it was a lovely evening, not cold at all but I just could not face going to bed alone. I hate coming home to an empty house. I hate leaving the house, I hate getting up in the morning and I hate going to bed at night. It will be Peters 70th birthday next month, April and I am dreading it. I am sick to death of celebrations that keep arriving that he won't be here for. I am going out tomorrow with my son and granddaughter to a city called York, it has a Minster, Peter and I used to go there a lot as there is a railway museum, he was a train and any kind of transport enthusiast, photographing trains, buses, trams, planes, you name it Peter took a photograph of it. My son wants to go and have a look round, Peters hobbies rubbed off on both my sons and they were never apart from being born, where Peter went the boys went with him. I sometimes forget it isn't just me that misses Peter, they also miss their dad. It just is easier for them as they have their families and work to keep them occupied. I know when my dad and sister died I had Peter and work to get me through the bad times. Now it is just me in the house with long days ahead. I am the last of my 'old' family still alive so there is no-one to talk to about when I met Peter, or what we did in the 50's and 60's when I was in my teens etc. my sons were born in the 70's. I have written both of them letters telling them how I met their dad, what our lives were like before they came along, I have spoken to them about it before, but I didn't want them to forget so I put it in writing.. I bought them both original newspapers of the day they were born so they can see what was happening in the world on the day of their birth. I have ribbon wrapped every single card me and their dad sent to each other from our first birthdays and anniversaries together and put them withour wedding album and wedding invitations I kept. There are also our 21st birthday Keys I also kept with them. I compiled a photo album of their grandmas, granddads, aunties and uncles etc. It is the history of their mum and dad and it let's them know just how much we loved each other. This kept me going through winter last year and brought back so many happy memories. Whilst I was in the garden yesterday, I put in my earphones and listened to all the music of the 1960's, and I cried. You look after yourself. Please keep in touch. Love Sheilaxxxxx

Oh my your garden sounds beautiful with birds singing and flowers no wonder you prefer to stay outside its good for you also it's your special place that holds only wonderful memories of the times you and Peter shared I know it would bring you comfort but yes it's not enough it never will be but oh those memories I'm quite the opposite I look forward to the day ending one less day it's always on my mind but then morning comes and so it begins again what a horrible way to endure life but it is how I feel now our children yes lost there dad grandpa but we lost our love it's not the same how can it be they have things to look forward to busy lives family of there own we have to be content with only memories I know this is the circle of life God it's hard my Peter loved cars he rebuilt his ute I think he sometimes loved it to much I've kept his car in storage its to strong for me to drive and when I go my children are to sell it only then I can't bear selling it now it was his pride and joy what beautiful sentiments you have done for your boys I'm sure they will appreciate all you have kept for them and to keep all your treasures from your husband it just speaks so much of your love you sound like a beautiful person I wish I could of met you not through this horrible site but I've now met a loving new friend please take care of yourself play your music keep your thoughts of Peter in your heart and mind he's loved while you hold on to him I'm sure he knows just how much you love him as do I your friend across the miles karyn

I am definitely like you Karyn, I want to go to bed early and want get up late so the days are not as long, but I can't because of Barney, he needs to be taken for walks first thing in the morning, during the day and last thing at night otherwise, I would stay in bed all day. I think I am being being selfish, wishing I was no longer here because Peter isn't with me, as I don't want my sons and grandchildren to think I don't love them, but the thing is, like you say, they don't need me, they have their own lives, and my life is over as far as I am concerned, it has no meaning whatsoever since Peter died and every day is harder and harder to get through. Once Barney has gone, I don't care what happens to me at all. I am not afraid of dying as Peter will be waiting for me, but I do not, under any circumstances want to live many more years without Peter. I would never take my own life as it would hurt my family, but if I had had no family and no Barney I would have finished it, without a second thought. I was speaking to my eldest son John the other day and he said something that really surprised me. He said he had been talking to his brother Mark and they had both said the same thing, that if I had not had a family or Barney, I would not have been here now. When it was Peters funeral the boys put a picture of him and me at the side of Peters Coffin. I said that there should only be a picture of their dad but they said no mum, you were never apart from each other and that picture shows you were soul mates. I think it is a wonderful thing that sons, daughters and grandchildren know they came from parents who loved each other so very much and also loved their family. Not many children can say that.Love Sheilaxxxx

Yes I know how you feel about thoughts of not being here I had many of them earlier on just after Peter died still do occasionally but I know how much pain I would cause my children and I just couldn't put them through that that's why life is so darn hard you can't even give into that because of pain to someone else no we're not selfish to loving I'd say funny we even think about the dog there still here so we go on I have 4 little dogs myself so they all bring along there own comfort for me glad you have Barney he needs you to we buried my sweetheart with some photos as well isn't that strange that we have a few things in common our children do know how much we loved our man how could they not and still do hope today is good to you sending best wishes your way for another day take care karyn

Karyn, Sorry I got a notification that you sent me a message 4 hours ago but I cannot see it on the page. I have searched all the messages but there is nothing. I cli ced on the link but still nothing. I don't know where you live or if there is a time difference withinin our countries but I am sending this now on the 16th March. 2015

Yes I know how you feel about thoughts of not being here I had many of them earlier on just after Peter died still do occasionally but I know how much pain I would cause my children and I just couldn't put them through that that's why life is so darn hard you can't even give into that because of the pain to someone else no we're not selfish to loving I would say funny we even think about the dog there still here so we go on I have four little dogs myself so they all bring along there own little comfort for me glad you have Barnes he needs you we buried my sweetheart with some photos as well isn't that strange that we have a few things in common our children do know how much we loved our man how could they not and still do hope today is good to you sending best wishes your way for another day take care karynxxxxx

Hello Sheila hope your ok have sent a message but didn't receive a reply maybe just need a little time alone best wishes karyn

Hi Karyn, Sorry, just got the Broadband back on today, been down for a few days. I will tell you something though, I have been completely lost without it. I use the computer to look at photos, play music, watch our wedding videos, etc. etc. and without it I don't know what to do with myself. I just sat and watched television. I also cried such a lot as I had time to think. I think I am slowly feeling better, then it hits me all over again. I was speaking to my son the other day and he mentioned his granddad who died in the 1950's when his dad was only a youngster. He wanted to know where he was buried as he wanted to lay some flowers on his grave. Peters father was Roman Catholic and his mum was Church of England so is buried in a Roman Catholic cemetery. Peter never knew where his dads grave was and his mum died a few years later without taking him to visit it. We spent the 70's and 80's writing letters to people but no-one knew where in the graveyard his dad was buried. So today I thought, it is about time to get closure for my sons, so I rang the cemetery and immediately got the plot number of the grave within seconds of asking. Apparently they were sorting out old files and the man in the office had the actual book of graves for 1952 on his desk. Wasn't that weird, he just gave me the information straight away, it was meant to be. So we are going at the week-end to visit my sons granddad and lay flowers on behalf of them and their dad who never got to visit his father after he died. I asked my son why, after all this time, he wanted to find the grave and he said that since his dad died he thinks more and more about his old family of years ago as he never got to meet them as apart from my mum (his grandma) and my sister (his auntie) they had all died before he was born. He knows where all his family on my side were buried or cremated as my mum told him but his dad's family had all died when he was born. We also wrote letters and put photos with Peter as well. But Peter was cremated as was his wishes. We were talking the other day and all agreed that burial is best as you have somewhere to visit, lay flowers, sit and talk to your loved ones. But my family and my husbands family, apart from his dad who was Roman Catholic, had cremations, so that is what happened. I have requested a cremation for myself so mine and Peters ashes can be scattered together in a place where we both loved. Speak to you soonxxxxxxx

Hello Sheila I'm so glad you responded I was a little worried I can say but am glad your ok yes it's a nuisance when you can't respond thru the Internet it keeps you in touch in so many ways it's great that you've found some closure for your son I'm sure he appreciates the findings and it feels like you have the missing information for the family to be complete that's wonderful news my Peter was buried I go to visit talk cry I know it's not enough but I feel him with me when I'm there so at least I have that small comfort you know in your own heart what is best so you will be with your love in the right way when that time comes but not now please take comfort and try to go on Peter would want that of you all the best wishes your friend karyn

Thank you Karyn, yes it will bring closure for all of us as we have been trying to find the grave since the 70's, but with no computers it was all letter writing. I have been very busy this week, emptied our garage and thrown away loads of rubbish I had put in since Peter died. Anyway it was collected today. Found out I had a small hole in the flat roof of the extension of my house, and it was raining in. I got out a ladder and painted the roof with a sealing compound, I found it was the Blackbirds, pecking away at the felt. It seems okay now, so if it rains in again I will have to have a brand new roof put on. It keeps me occupied and my mind off things. My son came to visit me today and saw me up a 12 rung ladder painting merrily away, he went bonkers. He said mum, you are 73 what the heck are you doing up a ladder. I had finished by the time he saw me. I am falling to bits this week. Got a sore elbow that I knocked and it is now all inflamed. A tooth dropped out and now a filling has dropped out, so I have now to go the the doctors and dentist. You look after yourself Karyn, I will speak again to you soonxxxx

Oh my you are in a sad array of ailments glad there not anything serious I hate the dentist but better than having a sore tooth I bet your son did a double take when he saw mum up the ladder but if that put a little distance in your train of thoughts all the better I say but please be careful if would be terrible if you slipped but we do what we can hope the roof holds up and you don't have the added expense of a new one they can be so dear yes it sounds like you've had a busy week I myself find if there's something to do the days go past a lot quicker I help my son when he needs help he has a cleaning business so at least there's a new list of things to do and then with all of my kids and 12 grandchildren they help keep me focussed on different things so I'm lucky I have them some people are completely alone I feel for them it would be so sad to be so alone we are the lucky ones I suppose we have family to hold onto hope you enjoy your Easter and get back on the mend hope Barney is behaving himself for mum best thoughts for you take care sincerely karyn

My goodness you do have a large family, how many children do you have. At least you will never be alone. My late brother-in-laws partner, he met her a few years after his wife, my sister, died, has a large family, 10 children, lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren and she says she still feels lonely since he died. I have my two sons and three grandchildren, (so far), I know Mark, when he gets married in June wants more children with his new wife. I do know that if I had been alone with no family when Peter died, I would not be here now, as there would have been nothing to live for. Been out this morning and taken a fence down and re-done it. I am going to paint them shortly and make them look fresh again. It is just about looking for jobs and keeping busy so by the time I go to bed I can sleep without tossing and turning all night. Been up the ladder again this morning, everything seems to be okay and all dried, all I need now is a downpour to see if I have cured the small leak I had, if not, I will have a new roof fitted. The flat roofs are notorious for leaks, it is the magpies and the blackbirds, pecking away at the felt, it sounds like they have boots on when they are running up and down on it. That is the only problem I have but so easily cured. Anyway, I am going to sit out now on my swing and have a coffee and throw the ball to Barney. Speak to you soon.xxxxSheila

Hello Sheila I know how you still feel alone even with a big family when the person you loved isn't with you but thankful all the same for having them to love I myself have five children three boys and two daughters and 12 beautiful grandchildren I'm so glad my husband was here when they were all born I'd hate to think if a new little person arrived that he didn't get to know they keep me focussed and because all my children live close I'm kept busy it's the only way to not dwell on our life now it's good to know your son wants more children see there's something new for you to look forward to you know your only three years younger than my mum and if she was up a ladder I'd probably faint but it brought a smile to think of you being able to accomplish this then to go and pull a fence down wow I say good for you it's no good to just sit and dwell and yes the busier we are the better the nights sleep we have I would love to have a beautiful garden but only have a small backyard enough for my little fur babies so I bet Barney loves it when your out there to keep him company enjoy your day love karyn

Oh what a shame this site is closing as from April it was so wonderful to help us and connect with people I really am quite upset it made it feel like we had new friends to talk and share with if at all I'd like to keep writing to you so if you'd like my address is 56Caulfield Cresent Paralowie SA 5108 hope that we can continue your friend karyn

Yes, I am also very upset about the site closing, it has helped me such a lot, knowing I am not alone in my grief and to be honest, a lot better off than some of you younger people who have lost their beloved partners much too soon. You are so very lucky to have so many children, Peter and myself wanted more but I was told it would be dangerous to have more because of my blood group, I was in hospital three months having my second son after having a miscarriage earlier so with two children we did not want to take the risk of something happening to me. I will give you my email address and I would appreciate yours also, that way we can still keep in touch, like the old time pen-pals. When we are feeling down we can email each other and let each other know what is happening in our lives and how we are coping. My email address is - So please send me yours. It is much easier than writing and waiting to receive letters, our post is atrocious, always going astray so wherever possible, I email or ring people. So please give me your email addressxxxx Sheila

Yes that's great we can still keep in touch my email address is it was very wise to have only the two boys better to be safe than sorry I feel even two is a beautiful number as they have each other for company I never believe in just one child if it can be helped as I feel there alone growing up I myself came from a family of seven two sets of twins I myself am one boy girl each set so five didn't seem to large back then I wanted six girls originally but had my boys and wouldn't trade them for the world but I think it scared my husband after the last boy as he then went into hospital for his procedure so thankful I have my five in all hope the day was good for you it's finally raining here I just love the rain winter and all but detest summer even more as I'm getting older hope you enjoy the Easter break I'm going with my two daughters and there children camping for a day or two will be interesting as no men involved one is away and the other one working so to put up tents will find it amusing to say the least but there's always a first time take care talk to you again soon sincerely karyn

I will email you now so we can put it in our email folders. You also have a lovely Easter. I love Summer and hate winter, but your winters won't be like ours are will they. I imagine your winters are more like our summers, as we don't get lovely weather like we used to do in the past, there seems to be not much difference nowadays, whenever you go out in the UK you always have a brolly with you just in case, but when I was young, it was never ending summers. Speak soonxxxxx

Hello Sheila happy Easter to you hope it was spent with your family or friends as being alone is so terrible l myself just came home after spending a couple of days camping by the river it was good to get away even just to relax but then I had to come home and I can tell you I'm a little upset it's so lonely I'm thinking seriously about giving up my place maybe moving in with my daughter and her children or my son and his partner not sure when maybe give it a little more time my oldest girl thinks it would be a mistake but she doesn't understand I don't feel at peace here anymore but I'll think about it hope you've stayed a little busy as this is good to preoccupied our thoughts until the day ends yes I'm not sure about the weather in your area but our winters aren't that bad I just clearly love it when it rains catch up soon I'm going to the cemetary now to see my sweetheart and tell him how much I miss him but he knows that , all the best karyn

Hi Karen, I am so sorry but that is exactly how I felt yesterday. My sons and I went to find the grave of their granddad who they never knew and we laid flowers for him. We then went out for a meal. It is when you come home and open the door and your sons wave you goodbye and say 'I'll see you next week', that it really hits home just how alone I am. I feel at peace in our home as we lived here for 42 years and it is our family home. All my memories are here and to be honest, wherever I moved to or whoever I lived with I would be alone. I still need my space to sit and think about our life together, I now, many times, go to be earlier than usual just to lay and think about the night we met, where we went, our holidays together etc. that is what is keeping me going. To be honest Karen, I think it will be the biggest mistake you could make if you move away from your memories, I love my children, but I could never, ever live with them, I need to be able to do things without wondering if I am in the way. You are much too young to be living with your family and If you find a new place on your own, things will not change, you will still miss your beloved husband but be in a home that means nothing to you. I look at one of my rooms and think, Peter put that up, or Peter bought that picture, or Peter did that etc. The only way I will leave my home is if I can no longer manage it as it is a large property with an extension and large gardens then I would go into sheltered accommodation where there is a warden on hand if you need them. They are like little flats, it will kill me I know, so I hope, once Barney has gone, I go to bed one night and never wake up again. I wake up every single morning in our bed, thinking another long day but know I have to get up for Barney. I find jobs to do but at least I am in our home with my memories, I could not bear to be anywhere else. So Karen, it is your decision but please think a lot about it as it is a very big decision to make and to be honest, once you have lost the one person you have loved for most of your life wherever you move to or whoever you decide to live with, you will be lonely as that person is no longer with you. Some people do move because they cannot bear to live in a home where they shared so many happy memories, but I could not bear to be without Peter in a home that means nothing to me, and like I said, there is no way on this earth I would ever, ever, live with my family. If you did decide it is what you want, you need to move in with them for at least a month as a trial period to see what it was like, and the same with moving house, rent a property on your own for a month and see what you feel like being alone in a house with no memories, that is the only way you can make such a big decision. Hope you enjoy Easter, I don't have my grandchildren at the moment to buy eggs for as they are on holiday abroad with my sons ex wife. My granddaughter went to a show with her mum so I won't be seeing anyone today (Easter Sunday). I will watch a film and eat my Easter eggs my sons bought me and take Barney out. Sending all my love Sheilaxxxxxx

Hello Sheila yes I'm really at a loss over this moving thing as this was the last place me and Peter were together we have moved quite a few times in the beginning when our children were younger and then we use to joke we are to old to move anymore the last move would be in a box how unfair that this really came about in a way we neither thought this could would happen so soon I still can't grip it entirely but then I realise it is all so true the problem I have is I think I can do it then even when I go out its like I have to get back there I feel like I'm leaving him behind I know it sounds stupid but my mind won't think otherwise but then I think of him dying at home in our room and then I hate this place I'm so confused I did have my daughter and her kids stay for a short while but they've now renting and it was ok for awhile but then I wanted to be alone so yes I'm now alone alright and hating it I suppose I really don't know what I want I'm trying to fill a void in my life but as you say I can never be the person I was before my darling went away so now I know I'll never be happy completely content like I was my god it's so darn hard but yes I really am going to think about all the decisions that go with this my eldest daughter says it will be a big mistake as she states just visit anytime any of them but at least I will have the serenity of home maybe I just have to give it more time I'm trying to find work at least if I could be busy it wouldn't be so bad but it's hard to even get a cleaning job at present with so many people on unemployment but I'm still trying maybe I'll get lucky I clean a kindergarten every night but I need something for the days there so long wow 42years in your place I'm 12years in this place but as I said we did move a lot in the beginning with his work and all you would have so many beautiful memories I'm sure and your garden sounds so nice you know I wish that to if only we went to bed and there wasn't another day but not yet so it seems I don't even think it's selfish to want this we have lost the one love that means our whole world I think about death all the time now and wonder constantly if he is ok if only we could know for sure but I have to believe that he is I'm sorry for rambling on I just feel so down lately anyway please look after yourself and give Barney a pat for me take care karyn

Hi Karen, when I first lost Peter 18 months ago, I went on lots of websites and the first thing that was always mentioned was never make any rash decisions like moving house, getting a job, moving away etc. So I concentrated on modernising the house as for the past 15 years prior to Peters death we never did anything in it as even though Peter had not been diagnosed, he was not himself, even though he was still working. He could not face any upset or workman being in the house he just wanted peace and quiet so retired at 60. When he died, to take my mind off things, I got joiners in to repair doors, decorators to decorate all the rooms, a new bathroom without the bath to make it easier for me as I got older, I bought new carpets and furniture, this saw me through the first 10 months of losing Peter and when I had finished I had our home back, as it used to be when he was fit and well, albeit with new furniture and carpets, and a new central heating system which had broken down a few years prior and needed replacing. I kept in mind the colour schemes we both liked so there was always Peter in my thoughts whatever I did. I know you say that your husband died in your home, I wish Peter had died in our home as that is what he always wanted, I promised him that until there was no breath in my body I would keep him at home. But it was pneumonia from a chest infection that had him rushed into hospital, little did we know he would never come home again as it had happened dozens of times before over the years. So Karen, just sit back and think about things, don't rush into anything. You are a young woman and definitely don't need to be living with anyone, I am 73 and it gives me the colly wobbles just thinking of living with my family, they would drive me round the bend. As much as I love them, I don't want to be with them every day, I need my own space to do what I want to do. Sit down when I want to and go out when I want to. If I were you I would give it this year out and see what you feel like because wherever you go, even to a 5 star hotel, you will still feel lonely without your husband, I know, because I went on a luxury cruise last year with all my family as Peter would never go on one, and he said to me that if anything happened to him I had to go on a cruise and enjoy myself, so I did. I have never felt as lonely in all my life even with hundreds of people and my family around me. It isn't where you are, or who you are with that is the problem, it is the one person that isn't with you that causes you the heartache and that will never, ever change wherever you live or whoever you are with. Staying in our home is what I need to do because it is still our home, even though Peter is not with me our memories are here. There is only you that can decide what is best for you but don't make any rash decisions you may regret later. Lots of love Sheilaxxxx

Hello Sheila my you've done a lot to your home I'm sure it kept your mind busy when it was so needed my children painted through for me and got rid of my old lounge suite my husband loved that lounge it was so comfortable I can tell you I wasn't that pleased when it happened but in time I came to realise they were only trying to please me but I didn't get that in the start trying to change things didn't sit well with me you know I go over and over that dreadful night Peter said his arm hurt and stated as much unless I'm having a heart attack but then sat and watched tv for a short while before going to bed I fell asleep and when I finally went to bed it was late he woke up and said what the hell his teeth hurt but he didn't have any they were taken out a long time before since realising it was his jaw then heard a loud bang when he collapsed and then he was gone in an instant with a heart attack never had any sign of having heart trouble I just can't shake the sentence unless it's a heart attack then to only have it happen so damn unfair but I think sometimes it was better he didn't even know what happened I would never be able to have said goodbye to him I just know it so maybe it was better for me at least that's what I try to reason with no matter how they leave us it will never be alright yes I know how you state you can have a whole lot of people around and be so lonely when all you want is him I'm glad you took the cruise if only to please him I smiled a little when you said living with them would give you the colly wobbles maybe mine would to so yes I'm not going to rush into anything I'll see each day as it comes so your advice is much appreciated I'm so sorry for the way your Peter died it doesn't make sense that on so many occasions they can be fine then not but I know just in the way you write about him he was so dearly loved and so happy to know you visited the cemetary to finalise and lay flowers love karyn

That was so sudden Karen and must have been so frightening. I know for the past three years of Peters life, when I woke up in the morning and turned and looked at him, I never knew if he had died in his sleep or not. I dreaded going to bed as he could never get his breath and on occasions the oxygen never helped at all so I never knew what to expect when I woke up. Sometimes his breathing was so shallow and quiet that I had to push him to see if he was breathing and when he said 'what' I breathed a sigh of relief. Death is so final, I have been sat in the garden today just thinking about things, and all I want is Peter back. I don't want anything else just Peter. My sons are coming tomorrow and we are meeting a solicitor, as I have told them I want to make a Power of Attorney out to give both of them control of my assets in case I get seriously ill, get dementia, have a stroke or any illness that means I can no longer handle my finances. It only comes into operation if any of those things happens to me. Everything I own will go to my two sons when I die anyway, I have already made a will out, but if I had a stroke or did not have control of my senses the boys would have to go to court to draw up papers to allow them to take control and it takes forever, so I thought I would sort it out now to save them any trouble later on. Nothing means anything to me anymore, if I won a million pounds on the lottery I would give it to my sons and grandchildren. I have enough to live on thanks to Peters private pension and my state pension, and since I modernised the house I have nothing else to spend my money on, holidays don't interest me, even though I will be going off for a few days with my son and grandchildren, but that is it. When Peter was ill, because we could not decorate for such a long time, he always said to me, when anything happens to him I could do what I wanted with the house, so I did and like I said, I kept the colour schemes we both liked so there wasn't a radical change in the decorations and the overall style of the house, just leather suites instead of material ones. I would not let my sons do anything for me in the house after Peter died, I wanted to do what I wanted to do, I organised all the workmen myself, the only thing they did was take me to carpet stores and furniture stores to order the items, I picked what I wanted even though they kept giving me advice I told them I knew what I wanted and that was that. I am happy with my choice, I am very comfortable and I know Peter would have loved it. It is so sad that he wasn't well enough for us to have the work done whilst he was alive. I spoke to a few friends after I had done the work and they all said similar things, they decorated their home after their husbands died as their homes had also been neglected whilst their husbands had been ill. I have this morning, carpeted the back porch out so when Barney comes in he dries his feet before coming into the house, I have got some metal paint and am going to paint the wrought iron gates when it stops raining, then all I have to do is keep up with the garden this summer which is easy since I had the back garden landscaped. I am just looking for things to keep my busy, it will be two years this August, 5 months away, since Peter died and I am no better than I was the day he died, totally lost. I will speak to you soon, look after yourself, Sheilaxxxxxxx

Hello Sheila how unfortunate that you had to go to bed never knowing if Peter would see another night thru it must of been hell mentally and physically I feel the same way all we want in this world is our darling back nothing brings any joy anymore it's so hard even pretending to be ok I'm glad at least financially your alright one god damn thing not to worry about I don't even care if I had money like you said nothing we want more than our husbands money can't buy this I was at least fortunate to have had a funeral plan for myself and Peter which I took out a few years back and I remember Peter saying what are you paying that for every fortnight for you will be paying to much over the years we don't need it yet how fortunate that I didn't pull out never thinking it would be needed so soon funerals are so expensive but my sweetheart was worth any amount I had to wait so long for his headstone and then his photo to go on it but when I visit him I can see his smile and beautiful blue eyes so I don't feel like I'm just talking to a rock yes time goes by so quick Peter will be gone two whole years in October I just can't believe I haven't seen him spoken to him really but they say time waits for no one its not going quick enough for me I wish there was no more it's so sensible of you to look after your matters now your family should appreciate this and saves so much trouble to know exactly what you want for everyone involved I m amazed at the things you do like climbing up a ladder laying carpet painting fences I'm not sure but the age really doesn't hold you back you should be admired for this I sure do admire you and yes it keeps you busy we need that or we'd go mad I think hope you enjoy yourself the best you can for a few days when you go away please take care of yourself your friend karyn

Hi Karen, yes it was mentally exhausting for three years never knowing what the next day would bring. My hair fell out, I lost three stone in weight, I cried a lot as it was so hard just watching Peter change from a tall handsome man to a man who could not dress himself or do anything much at all. Luckily he could still drive, it took ages to get him in and out of the car but when he was in it, he was a different man, loved just driving around for a change of scenery, we couldn't go far because of the oxygen situation but a couple of hours out and about was enough for him. I would sell my soul to have him back, not as he was, ill, as that would be unfair to him. If I could just see him and speak to him for one hour and tell him just how much I love him and how grateful I am for everything he did for us and to know he was happy where he is now and if our family are with him, would go a long way in putting my mind at rest until we met again. I went to bed last night and put my head in the pillow and screamed and screamed that I want to go back to the night I met him in 1964 and live our lives over again, knowing then what I know now. I know one thing for sure, I would have stopped him smoking then he would have still been here with me. I think of many of my friends who still have their husbands with them and say how sorry they are Peter has died but they don't know the half of it, they don't know what they have facing them if they are the one left behind. I never knew the pain of what it would feel like until it happened to me, there is no pain like it, you feel as if you are going mad with the hurt of it all. I will just plod on and hope I am not here for years on end as every day seems to get harder and harder. Look after yourself. Love Sheilaxxxxx

Yes I know how hard it is my Peter was also a heavy smoker he would never quit and when I think back he aged so quickly not in mind but appearance and body slowed up a little when considering he wasn't even that old but the damage had been done it would be hard on you to have this constant problem with his breathing and if only time could go back but an hour wouldn't be nearly enough hell no time at all to see our loved one again then to say goodbye I wouldn't go through this ever again that is why I'm so darn sure I'll never ever love anyone again that in itself is something I hold onto that pain will never touch me again people truly won't can't understand it's t until it happens to them your whole life changes so quickly I'm not stupid I know it's meant to be but still your never prepared for this heartache it would of brought him some comfort when you were out together at least he was still able in his mind I think about death so much now I'm not scared actually can't wait for my time to be finished but God I hope it's true that we see and be with our loved ones when the time is right I have to believe in this it's the only thought that brings me some peace I wish it was me that went first I'm sure my Peter could of coped a little better than me he was more social did things I spent all my time with our children and grandchildren and now they are just not enough to make me happy how truly life can be so cruel I try to go to bed so late that I'm exhausted so as to sleep otherwise I think to much and then it becomes to hard to face but we must I'm sure they watch over us and know how much they were truly loved my children tease me still as I'm completely grey but I don't care and in the beginning I couldn't eat didn't want to but time goes on and so do we my lord that was a lot of weight to have lost but this hell would do that but please take care of yourself if only for Barney he still needs someone to look after him and love him my little fur babies are my source for going on they have there own little antics and keep me company maybe that's why we were left we maybe the stronger ones to deal with this but right now it's not enough I know and I try not to think of the years ahead only the days it seems easier all my love karyn

Do you know Karen, it could have been me writing your post. I know if Peter had been a well man and I had died first, he would have coped much better than me. He had so many hobbies, him and our boys were great friends as well as father and sons, they shared the same hobbies as each other so he would have been fine. Even when he was alive it was always him and the boys talking about cars, football, cricket they never stopped talking. My life revolved around Peter, our sons and our grandchildren and when the boys left home, but they were always ringing Peter up for a natter or wanting advice or going to see a football, cricket match whilst I child-minded my grandchildren. Peter once said to me, why didn't you ever have any hobbies.My hobbies were looking after my family. Sheilaxxx

It's so sad the things we have in common but precious to each as well its good to know that the boys and there dad got on so well we don't really realise how hard it is for them as well only our pain is so intense it's so unfair we all have our own special memories of them to go back to to remember with a smile a tear oh so many tears I myself cry a little when I see my youngest son he looks so much like his dad when he was younger but them I smile and think of my children and what a beautiful gift he gave to me at least we're not completely alone some people don't even have family how heartbreaking for them it's time we have on our side but it's time we don't want Yes life is cruel your friend karen talk soonxxxx

My eldest son John is the double of his dad, even the next door neighbour told me she nearly had a heart attack when she looked out of her window and saw my son on our drive, she thought it was Peter. When we were on the cruise and it was the black tie night, I opened the door and our John was there, I just started to cry, it was Peter standing there like he used to look in his dark suit, dark tie and white shirt, I told John that if Peter was here and the same age as John was they would be twins. Yes you are right, our husbands are still with us through our children and grandchildren and always will be. I made out my will and Power of Attorney yesterday with the solicitor so everything is now in order in case I am taken ill and cannot manage my own affairs and everything has been left to the people I want to leave things to. Love Sheilaxxxx

He does sound so handsome but a man in a suit always brings out there features you do a double take when they look so much like there dad I know I tell my youngest all the time and he says he's proud to look like his dad but gee it brings a few new tears every now and then I hope they grow into a wonderful man like there dads were I'm sure they all will there nearly there already I'm glad your affairs are now in order at least this can bring you a little peace but I'm a little selfish I'm hoping your around for still some time yet it's been so wonderful to be able to talk with you even though it's horrible circumstances that has brought us together you know I'd even bet our peters would of got along with each other they were and still are wonderful men to have loved I know and feel this in my heart and yours have you not gone away yet hoping you enjoy yourself for a short while at least thinking of you with dearest thoughts karynxxx

Yes, everything is now sorted so if anything happens to me my sons won't have to go to court to handle my assets. I have today been putting the patio tables, chairs and parasols out ready for summer. The weather is all over the place in the UK at the moment, gales, snow, rain and now the sun is shining, I think we are getting April showers earlier than usual. How old are your children and grandchildren. My sons are 46 and 43, and my grandsons are 7 and 5 and my granddaughter is 11 years old. My son who is 43 is getting married in June to a young lady who is 32 and never been married before so they want a family of their own so I may have more grandchildren to look forward to. I child-mind a lot, so this week I bought a candy floss maker and a pop-corn maker so they can do it themselves when they come. We baked a chocolate cake yesterday and they always take it home for their mum. It helps to keep my mind occupied, and they love coming as they say I am the only grandma that does things with them. Anyway that is all for now, keep in touch, Love Sheila

Oh dear lord the weather sounds glorious rain snow then sunshine it would be lovely to see it snow and I love the rain but it would be hard to work out what to wear or even do for the day with it changing all the time another job you've found for yourself to do you are so busy but that's good it passes the time and we so want it to pass by us my children range from the eldest girl is 37 then next daughter is35 then oldest son is 33 then 27 and23 for the last two sons and my grandchildren range from 14 down to 2 there are 12 grand babies six boys and six girls my eldest girl is with a Chilean man so I call them nans little wogs 5 in total then the second girl is with an African man there nans little chocko balls there skin tone is so beautiful then my eldest son has two little Aussies and the youngest boy has a little Pom so there quite a bunch when there all together and I know I'm not suppose to have favourites but the 1st girl and her third brother melt my heart as does the second girls 1st and then her baby brother the last little one that is two he is such a character and oh so cheeky he brings a smile to me when ever I see him but I love them all so dearly I think there all done now well at least the girls are who knows maybe more in the future for the boys it's great when they want to stay over and help nan your little grand daughter and grandsons are at a beautiful age and must love it when you spend your time with them baking and doing things with them and yes it helps us to I'm quite lucky that my children all live so close the eldest girl is just around the corner the eldest boy not far from her then the youngest one a few streets over and the other two say 20 minutes from my house so I can see them all regularly when I choose but then school holidays maybe a little to close but in all it's great and they do make me feel not so alone at given times it would be nice if your son has another grandchild for you they are wonderful memories to hold dear time will tell all the best talk soon love karen

You are so lucky to have so many children and grandchildren. My brother-in-law who died last year and who lost his wife (my sister) 25 years ago, had a lady friend, just to go out and about with as he could never get over his late wife. His lady friend was very nice and took it all in her stride, she loved him to bits but knew she was fighting a losing battle as he would never get over his wife. She has 12 children and many, many grandchildren, now all grown up, and she says she still feels lonely when there is a house full, as she misses him so much. With it only being a friendship, people don't realise her heart is broken as apart from me, they didn't know she loved him as she never wanted him to know because she was afraid he would break up with her as he didn't want another relationship after his wife died. They were together for 10 years when he died but always remained just good friends. I feel for her as I am the only one who knew how much she thought of him. My sons both live one hour away from me in different directions, luckily, I live slap bang centre in the middle of a city where their jobs are so I see quite a lot of them as they pop in on their way home for their tea. I would not want them coming every single day as I like to do my own thing, and sit and think about Peter and our life together. I love to see them and our grandchildren but I like to see them go home again. I like you look after my grandchildren in the school holidays as well, but sometimes I think I am getting a bi too old to be having a 5 and 7 and 10 years old every day until they go back to school. It is finding things for them to do that is the problem, as they want to go out and about, playing football on the park, going to Wacky Warehouses, I am totally shattered at the end of it and I sometimes think my sons don't realise their mum is now an old lady.xxxx Sheila

Oh my what a dreadful shame to have had to keep her feelings a secret it saddens me to even think this poor woman couldn't even express her love and how he must of loved your sister so much I feel this way there will be no other my love was and is Peter that's the start and end for me some people can move on but they need to I suppose but as I've stated I won't ever put myself in a position for this to ever happen again and he'll who would want to yes I suppose the kids forget that mum does age and sometimes our age catches up with us and we realise but the little people just want nan to do things were fun I suppose from there mum or dad and they can be so tiring through out the days but solider on we must I'm not trying to be rude but that's why I smiled when I read you went up the ladder at your age and do all you do you don't seem old to me at all sometimes I think your younger than me in all you do great job I say and keep going strong your a wonderful lady and am very pleased to have known you a little in our writing your friend karen have a good dayxxx

I could never, ever want anyone else, even if I was many years younger. We were perfect for each other. The night we met was love at first sight and and we never stopped loving each other the whole 50 years we were together. Even our sons said we were soul mates. At the funeral, my sons had a picture of him and me enlarged and placed next to his coffin. I said that the picture should have been of their dad, not me as well. They said, mum, you were never apart from each other and the picture showed you and dad as you were in life, always together, always side by side. I would sell my soul to go back to 1964 and do it all again. I miss him so much my whole body aches with the pain of him not being here. I look at his photos and cry. I kept all the large satin fronted birthday, Christmas and valentine cards we ever gave each other from the very first one. I kept out 21st birthday keys, our wedding invitations and place settings. They are all wrapped up and fastened with a ribbon. Many times i get them out and look at the very first one he gave me when we first met and read what he had written to me. He was 18 years old when I met him and I cannot believe that our sons are in their mid 40's and are nearly 26 years older than Peter was when I met him, he was only a young boy, just 7 years older than my granddaughter is now, yet we both seemed so grown up in 1964, but when I look back we were nothing more than teenagers in love with each other. Just like the song, 'Teenager in love.' I am now sat here crying my eyes out.xxxxxx

My heart breaks for you you had so many wonderful years with Peter so young you both were its that sort of love people only dream about but you lived it I wish I could of had so many more with my sweetheart yes I knew my Peter was the man for me his smile captured my heart straight away we were the lucky ones I know this its a love with no end it was so beautiful for your boys to put the photo of you both they know how much you loved him it shows in the way you talk about him so endearing to keep all these items you've received in your time together I myself only have a few photos Peter was not that romantic but he treated me just like his lady I knew he loved me dearly I know they must cause you heartache when you look at these things but to know how truly loved you were its a blessing and I know in my heart we'll see them again it can't just be the end then there's nothing I cease to believe this so it keeps me going I fool myself into believing he's just walked ahead of me and I'll catch up I know the song you said and the lyrics sound so true think of it as your special song for you and Peter I know surely one day soon our heart will be a little lighter this pain has to ease a little please shed as many tears as you need I will to and hold dear to him he's watching over you and wouldn't want you to be so unhappy even though it's so darn hard sending love your way your friend karen

I have just had a bad few hours again. Just walking past his picture set me of crying. I just cannot believe it is 50 years since we first met and nearly 18 months since I last saw Peter. All I see in my mind is two young people with all their lives in front of them. I know it is the same for you too. No matter how many people you have around you the one person you need is not there and never will be again. To be honest, I have had enough, just getting through the days is hard work, I have lost count of the jobs I look for just to make the days go faster. It is raining, windy and cold here in the UK so I am inside with 'flu symptoms, so I am thinking of going to bed. I don't like leaving Barney on his own, but I cannot take him for a walk as I really do feel ill. If you don't hear from me for a few days, don't worry. I will speak to you soon, sending all my best wishes. Sheilaxxxxx

Oh Sheila I'm so sorry your not feeling well this brings you down even more so my heart breaks for you yes there's room in my heart for you it's so bad to think of you so upset all the time I wish it wasn't upon us are you on any medication for depression I am and at times I can say it helps a little but by no means a fix the days just keep coming and so we must go on I know how god damn hard it is to find something to do with ourself but maybe you need this time to rest please rest and take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you dream of him it will give you peace and comfort you I'll let you rest now love karyn

Hi Karen, I am feeling a little better, The shivering has stopped and I don't feel as weak as I did yesterday, got to go to the dentist on Wednesday as a tooth broke and I have to have the root cut out of the gum, I can honestly do without that. I should have gone last week but I was unwell. It is Peters 70th birthday in three weeks time so not looking forward to that, then in June my son gets married, another thing Peter will miss. There is so many future things he won't be here for and it is so upsetting. It is just the same for you too. In a way it is worse for you as you had many years less together than me and Peter. The only reason we have hundreds of photos was because wherever we went, Peter had his camera with him and that has now been a god-send. I have some from the very first time we met in 1964 as my dad had an old Brownie 127 box camera and took our photos and gave the camera to Peter when we got engaged and Peter got hooked on taking photos. Peter once said that if it had been up to me, there would not have been a photo in the house, and he was right, cameras never interested me but now I thank god I have them. I have lots of albums full of photos, but also hundreds loose in plastic bags, I tried to sort through them to also put them in albums as well but there were too many of them so gave it up. Many a day when it is raining I get them out and look through them. They are in piles for different years, I got that far. Anyway, just to let you know I am feeling better. I sat out in the garden today on my garden swing, it was really hot, Barney loved it. My granddaughter is staying with me Tuesday as it is the school holidays. Thinking of you. Sheilaxxxxx

Hello Sheila so glad your feeling a little better hate going to the dentist but it's best to sort this out as its a pain all of its own I know that peters birthday will be hard on you but he'll be there with you in your heart as always not the same I know my peters is just a week behind mine in August and myself and children go to the cemetary and visit him it's a sad time and you wonder how many more I feel for you for us all but then something comes along to look forward to like your sons wedding hoping it picks you up a little it's so darn unforgivable to be sad all the time I think this is what makes us unhappy that life goes on and we can't share these moments with our loved ones for all the new things that happen but hope upon hope there with us I've gone on two short holidays gone camping with the girls sons have all done different things there farther didn't get to see be interested in but I can say I took him along everywhere I go he is with me in my thoughts and heart so I try to be happy but only we know the truth your so lucky to have these precious memories of yourself and Peter they can take you back to the places you love and time was with you death can't take that away if I only had more I'd gaze at them for hours but only have a few so I'll treasure them it's nice to know your little grandaughter is coming for a stay will preoccupie your thoughts for a while you need that and maybe take some time to get more rest your weather is so over the place but with the sun brings mum outside for Barney he probably would prefer it than the rain I know my little fur babies don't like the rain thinking of you take care love karen

Hello Karen, I am much better, just dreading the dentist tomorrow, having my gum cut open to take out the tooth root. It is raining here another depressing day. Our weather forecasters are useless, given the weather out for sun today so did a pile of washing and now it is raining. Yes I have had a really bad week, non stop crying all the time, I cry when I go to bed, I cry when I get up, I think it is because Peters 70th birthday is nearly here and also the wedding, I hope once I get past that I can start looking forward more as our sons wedding will be the very first big event since Peters funeral. I know they want children, Mark has two boys from his first marriage, but his wife to be has never been married nor has children so they both want children of their own. That is in the future so I will have had another 12 months without Peter to perhaps not feel as upset about it when they do arrive. They say time heals so I hope so, I cannot spend the rest of my life feeling like this as it is no way to live, I am lucky , we both are lucky, to have a loving family and grandchildren, some people are on their own when their partners die and I honestly do not know how they cope, but going by how I am with a family of my own, I would not cope at all. I honestly would not be here now if I was on my own. Anyway I hope you are doing okay and I am thinking of you. When does this site close, it can't be long now.xxxLove Sheila

Hi Sheila hope your ok after the dentist not something good but in the end it will be ok I'm happy your feeling a little better now you need to have some peace in your life and in time I'm sure you'll find some comfort but I'm not going to lie it's hard you think your ok then it hits you at any given moment but I myself feel a little better when I can cry for him it's a way of telling myself how much I truly miss and love that man of mine as do you it shows in our feelings so a good cry is sometimes just what we need and I'm so sure the new things along the way will only add to our comfort a little yes perhaps your so down because peters birthday is coming around but he's with you you only have to remember him and not let him go he's there in all your thoughts and deep in your heart he's safe there so smile just a little and let him know how much the two of you will never stop loving one another as I do the same everyday the wedding will be a source of your love to know your son came about from two people that found a real love together so it has to be celebrated and more grandchildren what a beautiful way for your family to go on I truly believe they are still with us so they don't miss out on anything that we still live to be apart of its gives me hope and I'm not scared now if I was to go tomorrow today I know he'll be waiting you have to believe or then what is the purpose anyway I know you've said its raining wish it was here as I've said I just love the rain could listen to it for hours some people don't like winter but if I could I'd have it all year round crazy eh I know how you state yes we are lucky to have family around for us my heart breaks for the people truly alone every one needs someone to care show a little love to so when I feel so down and alone I think to myself yes cry there's nothing wrong with that but to be truly alone no I'm not so lucky yes we are we had the love of a wonderful man and so now I know how lucky we really are I placed a little plaque on peters headstone and it says always together never apart maybe in distance never in heart I love this little quotation it's so true for me for you for us all your friend karen and oh yes the site closes in about another few weeks the 21st I think I wish it didn't have to finish it has helped me immensely just to know that I'm not truly by myself and I've met a new friend in you love karen

Hello Karen, I don't have a grave for Peter as I kept his ashes until I die and then the boys will scatter them together. I have a photo frame which I put a memory card in with a lovely saying, you may like this I think it says everything we are feeling.

--- 'I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me. I know you loved me until the day you went away and will keep on loving me until the day we're together again.'

Isn't it lovely.

Hope you like it. Sheila xxxxx

Hi Sheila that verse is so beautiful and very touching made me feel so much love inside I need that now so the sadness lifts a little and yes I feel know in my heart well all be with the one we love again it's nice to think that when the time is right your boys will reunite you two together as it should be truly loving of each other I myself will be buried in the same place as my husband so time please move on all my love karenxxxx

Hi Karen, just got back from the dentist, had to have a filling. They couldn't dig the root out of my gum where another tooth had broken off as I have an infection, so now on antibiotics for a week and going back next Wednesday for it doing. I make no wonder I have been ill and weepy if I have got an infection, I have been living on painkillers as my gum was so sore but didn't know it was as bad as it was. Anyway should be much better in a couple of days. Decided to have a day in town on Friday the 8th April as I need to get some new glasses from my opticians. I know what you mean when you say 'time, please move on', that is how I feel. My sons think I am being morbid about wanting to be with Peter, but my life is not the same without their dad, I have tried to explain to them that it is different for them. I told them I lost my mum, sister, dad but got through it okay because I had their dad at my side. Now he is no longer here, everything that happens in the future will happen without him and that is what hurts me so much. Nothing means anything anymore. I told them I love them and my grandchildren very much but they have their own lives with their own families. I am on my own from getting up in the morning to getting up the following morning, no-one to talk to, just left with my memories. I told them I don't expect them to be with me all the time but it would be nice if, instead of texting me all the time, if they could pick up the phone and talk to me. I tried to explain if I had a fall, how was I expected to text back as their phone is always on voicemail. It all boils down to the fact that they don't think of me as being 73 years old. Love Sheilaxxx

Hi Sheila good to hear the dentist went ok but how dreadful that you have an infection it but be so painful but now with the medication it will soon be sorted of course you wouldn't of be yourself with this going on it all takes its toll in one way or another nice to hear that maybe a day in town may pick up your spirits for a little while at least it is something to focus on and gets you out of the house I truly understand you no we're not being morbid I don't think they really understand how much we are alone even in there company my eldest girl is always telling me of because I just can't seem to be interested in life anymore I'm exactly the same as you what for is my response they have there own family friends things to look forward to and I've explained all this to them they feel that I should look forward to there kids growing up getting married having babies but hell why should I get to experience all this if he's not here to see it with me the way it was suppose to be yes so I know of the hurt you tell it breaks us to the core of our soul no matter what age we are the pain is the same they just don't get it not fully when she says things to look forward to inside I'm dying as I think he'll no I go to bed hoping it's the last but then realise it's another day to live in pain of missing him so yes it's so cruel how alone we are the hours drag by I suppose your kids really don't want to realise or take it in of your age and yes if you had a fall God forbid how would you manage by yourself and talking to the person on the phone brings more comfort than a bloody message they just don't get it please take care all my love karen

Hi, Karen, Yes, you are so correct in what you say, my children are exactly the same, they want me to look forward to seeing their children, our grandchildren, grow up, but they just cannot see that it is their lives now, not ours. We have lived our lives with our husbands, me for 50 years, you very sadly not as long, but they cannot see we no longer get pleasure out of anything as our husbands are no longer with us. Our husbands and our children, when they were small, were our whole lives, but then they left home and had their own children, we were left behind in our own little world, just as it was when we first met each other and it was fantastic, no-one to answer to anymore, just the two of us. Peter was only 44 years old, we were both still young, when our sons started living their own lives, they still lived at home, but we hardly saw them, they had their jobs and friends, then they got their own places, so it was just him and me for the following 24 years until Peter died. We have been very lucky, we loved each other, never apart unless we were working, going on holidays abroad, seeing our children and grandchildren now and again, but most of the time it was me and Peter. The reason our children don't understand what we are feeling is that they think that they and our grandchildren make up for our husbands no longer being with us, telling us we have things to look forward to, but they don't seem to realise that without the one person who was with us before they were even born there is nothing to look forward to. Me and Peter had six years on our own before we had our first child. We carry on day by day, but as much as we love our family, inside we are empty, it is as if our heart has been ripped out of us the day we lost our husband. Love Sheilaxxxx

Hi Sheila hope you've had a good day today in town and day in general I had a really bad day yesterday crying out of the blue don't really know why but it comes to us so unexpectingly when you least expect and so I really just felt so alone and missing him so much I'm a little better today but these thoughts go round and round in my head and I just don't want to be here but I could never act on them for I look at my children's photos and I feel so upset that if I hurt them what would that solve god if only we had no children it would be so easy but enough of this talk yes to feel so empty inside is the best way to describe us if only time was not on our side but in saying this hope your well and look forward to talking to you soon as I'm babysitting this weekend so won't be home till Saturday night all my love karen

Hi, enjoy your babysitting this weekend, I hope the weather is nice for you to take them out somewhere. I have been really down this past week, what with feeling ill and the infected root in my gums as pain killer wasn't touching it. I had a really bad day today and I told both my sons exactly what was bothering me. I had meant to tell them before but didn't like causing upset. I sent both of them an email telling them it was unacceptable for them to always text me and never ring me up. I told them that the only time I see them is when they drop my grandchildren off for babysitting. I also said, when they do all come with their partners for an hour, I am left to entertain my grandchildren all the time they are there, so I never get to have an adult conversation or find out anything that is happening in their lives. I should have said all this a while ago. I sometimes don't see them for weeks at a time or even talk to them as they text me. Even when we go out together for a meal, they are all talking to each other whilst I am again entertaining my three grandchildren and I just wished I had stayed at home. When you don't have family living near you, I do expect a phone call now and again but all I get are text messages. When my mother was 10 years younger than I am now I used to ring her all the time and visit her twice a week to take her out for a meal and take her shopping, and she lived nearly an hour away from us, when Peter was working I used to go by bus, three buses to get to her house and then Peter picked me up in the evening. My sons tell me I should have my own circle of friends and not reply on them entertaining me but I try and explain that with their dad being ill for three years and us not being able to go out, our friends dropped away and stopped visiting as they still had a social life with their husbands. My friends I used to work with are older than me and are now starting to be ill so they don't feel like going out for a meal or even a drink. I just feel so closed off from everyone and when I do go out it is on my own or with my sons and grandchildren. My sons mother-in-law, from the day Peter died 18 months ago has never, ever asked me if I would like to go to see a show that my sons wife, daughter and sister are all going to, she has never rung me up to see how I am. It is as if because her husband is still alive and she has all her married friends to go out with they don't want a widow with them. The only thing I am good for is babysitting as it saves her the job of doing it. Sorry for the rant but I am flaming well fed up. I wish to god Peter was here with me as he wouldn't have stood for it. In fact we didn't need anyone but ourselves. Love Sheilaxxxx

Hello Sheila I took my grandchildren out today to the zoo it was a little excitement to cheer me up for awhile and at least it took my mind of things if only for today but in all a good day the weather was so nice for a change its so sad to think that your boys or anyone for that matter can't just pick up the phone to talk to you personally texting is so lazy in my words how can you be justified in only messaging back and forth it's so inpersonal you would think they would want to see how your doing coping by yourself even there wife or girlfriend and yes we often feel taken for granted I think but then in the blink of an eye well we know what can happen I suppose they just don't get it my own mother is 76 and I see her at least twice or three times a week she is always asked around for a meal or anything we are doing she's included I wouldn't have it any other way and to think when she's not going to be here I'm going to be so lost so I cherish all or any time with her it's so sad to think that just because they have there own family or things to do we are not important enough I know how you feel I myself don't like to go around my children much as you feel in the way and you have to pretend your ok it's so tiring but at least they can make some effort in enquiringly how you are not just for babysitting and with no or if any friends it just makes you feel even more alone it's good to let of steam and yes you have a bloody right to feel fed up some people can be so insensitive being a widow is something we all will go thru one day and only then will they really understand that is why our love hurts so much we really didn't need anyone else when we had them with us they were our live our love please take the time for yourself and bugger anyone that thinks otherwise maybe now you might have set them straight and they'll pick up there game and realise your there mum not just a babysitter when needed please take care thinking of you love karenxxxx

So glad you had a good time, I love taking my grandchildren out and about and treating them now and again .

After I sent my sons the email one of my sons rang me and asked what the problem was, I explained how I was feeling and that going nearly three weeks without seeing anyone and just getting a text message now and then is unacceptable. He told me that they have busy lives and he and my other son had been talking and they think I should see a doctor because I am depressed. I told them yes I am depressed, if their dad was alive and they only got in touch when they wanted a child minder then he would have had something to say about it. The fact is, Peter had arguments with them many a time because of me always childminding for them, he told them we only ever see you when you want anything. Anyway I let him have it with both barrels. I told them his dad worked overtime every single week, I worked part-time and always went to see my mum twice a week even though it meant three buses as I cannot drive and Peter picked me up in the evening. I said you are in town working some days and it would not take you two minutes to pop in and see me. What annoys me is that when there is a birthday party for my sons father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law or mother-in-law, I am never, ever invited, I am asked to child mind my granddaughter so they can all stay overnight in a hotel. I ask them for nothing, I was up a ladder painting the roof so I didn't have to bother them, and I empties the garage because I didn't want to bother them. Anyway, I am now putting myself first from now on. I have told my other son I won't be going abroad with them in September, when he asked my why, I said sitting around a pool from morning until evening and then going out drinking all night is not my idea of a holiday, if Peter had been alive, we would have gone abroad, sat round the pool for an hour having a drink then gone off sightseeing. I know exactly what I would have been doing if I went on holiday with them and that is child-minding my granddaughter whilst they stayed out all hours. I am going on a holiday with my son and two grandsons in August for a week which I don't mind because we are together from morning until night, I am not left on my own with the children.

A close friend of mine lost her husband the same time as I lost Peter 18 months ago, she was always texting, ringing and emailing me saying she wished she was dead as she missed her husband so much which I could fully understand, then I found out by chance, she never told me, and even when I left her a voicemail message, she has not returned my call, she has got herself engaged to someone and put it on Facebook. I am really baffled by it. Anyhow rant over. When does the site close, I have forgotten. Speak soon. Love Sheilaxxxxx

Hi Sheila it feels good to get things of your chest maybe your depressed but who wouldn't be in saying this it doesn't help when there's no one around to talk with text messages just don't cut it Peter saw through them and didn't want you to be needed just as a babysitter and they should not expect that from you your there mum you only get one even with there busy life's there's always time surely to pop in say hello no ones ever that busy you proved it with catching public transport to see your mum with working running a family but the young ones I think of today just care to much for there selves and there friends and yes they think wow there to old now but we still need comfort and people to talk with its a shame your not going on holiday abroad but can entirely understand your feelings maybe they'll get it now and yes it's time to put yourself first it's the way it should be I still can't believe you did the ladder all by yourself these are things the boys should offer to do anything to help out but like you say it's hard when all they offer of there time is a text damn phones gone are the days when people care so it seems and my god what a strange friend maybe she's to embarrassed after saying she misses her husband so much obviously not but then some people want someone else I know we never will we had the real deal the love that won't die all my love karenxxxx

Oh and the 21 of April this site closes what a shame to us all

Thank you for the reminder Karen. It has been a gorgeous day here today so I have been sat out in the garden most of the day with Barney. I am so run down you would not believe, just can't stop crying. It is this sceptic tooth that is playing up, once I get it pulled out next week I should feel much better. It is now Sunday, 16.20 pm in the afternoon here in the UK so I am going for a lay down for a couple of hours. Barney is spark out from running around all afternoon so he is okay for a bit. Speak to you soon, Love Sheilaxxxx

Oh Sheila do so hope you get that tooth looked at I'm sure you will feel better then and it's nice to here that your taking some time out just for you have a nice deserved rest and will talk soon love karenxxx

Hi Karen, I feel much better now the tablets have kicked in. I don't know if you have seen, but there is now a new site that continues when this site closes down, I have just registered for it. It has not started yet but hundreds of people from this site have registered also. These are the details : Love Sheilaxxx

Oh Sheila thankyou so much for these details I have now registered and now we have somewhere where we can continue to talk as it brings so much comfort I know myself it is a good place to just let out our thoughts to people that truly understand hope you enjoyed your rest and so glad to hear the tooth or pain of it is now a little better it gets you down when your not feeling ok we don't need anymore to cope with hope your day is good and give barney a pat for me always your friend karenxxxx

Hi Sheila just wondering if your ok hope your alright and maybe just needing some rest not trying to be a nuisance but checking in on you a little hope you don't mind love karyn

Sorry Karen, I have not been well. I have had a sceptic gum for a week as a tooth broke off a few weeks ago leaving the root behind and it turned sceptic. I had to have antibiotics which made be better then I went to the dentist yesterday for it digging out and it was horrendous. Six injections. I got a taxi there and back on my own and felt so sick. I have had a terrible night with the pain, paracetamol not working and this morning I feel as though I have been hit in the face with a baseball bat. To top it all off, neither of my sons or daughters-in-law have picked up the 'phone, or texted me to see how I am I just feel as though they don't give a damn. I have sent them an email telling them how upset I am, and that when they are ill I always ring them. I am 73 years old and what I had done yesterday was a minor operation as I had to also have stitches. To cap it all, a neighbour from up the street rang me to see how I was, a neighbour can ring me but not my family, it is as if they don't care. If Peter had been alive he would have given them a real talking to. All it takes is a quick phone call or a text saying, how are you feeling mum, but no, nothing at all. So as you can see, I am a bit upset by it all as when you live alone and are poorly it would be nice to know that someone cares about you, or even is thinking about you. Anyhow, enough of my moaning, how are you doing, I hope you are fine.xxxxLove Sheila

Oh Sheila I'm so sorry for this added pain you've had to go through with that damn tooth it sounds so dreadful and to think your family didn't even check to see how you are my heart breaks for you they all really need a good telling of no wonder your so down I know I would be like I said you only get one mother and father but some realise this when its to late it's so sad everyone is all there when you lose someone then in a little while it's like it's nothing anymore and were left to ourselves at least that's how it seems to me I would never treat my mother like this that's for sure and with being alone it's even more important to see how you are going I just don't get it but your there for them when your needed it's so expected life really can be so cruel or the people in it busy life's or not there's no excuse in my book at least your neighbour had good intentions to ask about you please know that you are worth a damn and I myself care you had me a little worried I can say truthfully if only your emails to them shake them up a bit it might wake them up that you do need to be treated with love and respect that's nothing to great to ask insist on and I'm sure Peter would expect nothing less of them to be there when he can't please take some time for yourself and as each day comes it will get a little easier and this dreadful pain from this experience will cease we just have to keep going on that's all we have now rest up you sure need it loving thoughts your way your friend karenxxxxx

Hi Karen, They both rang me a few minutes ago and apologised, they said they were in the wrong. We had a talk and I told them that with all the pain I was in last night, when I stood up in the middle of the night I felt really sick and dizzy and it got me thinking that if I had a fall, no-one would know until they texted me and that I could be on the floor for a couple of days at least. Barney would not be able to get out to do his business and he would also be upset as he is a proud dog and would never do his dirt in the house unless there was a reason for it. I said even if I was fit and well I knew I could be taken ill unexpectedly but that is something that could not be helped, but because I am 73 and they knew I had had a minor operation on my gums yesterday, they should have made sure I was okay first thing this morning, as a lot can happen from me seeing someone two days ago to this morning especially after having six injections and stitches. We are having a meeting on Saturday to discuss things like this as with them working away a lot they need to have someone to contact if they cannot contact me so I am giving them my neighbours 'phone number so if my sons cannot get hold of me they can ring my neighbour, she has a key to my house in case of emergencies. If I was on my own with no family, I would have moved into a warden operated flat where there are people on call 24 hours a day, but because I have a family, I don't think there should be a need for that. My son also told me that because I look much younger than 73, they tend to forget how old I am because I seem to be much fitter than they are. I told them when I feel ill like I have done this last few weeks with my gum being sceptic, when I think of their dad not being here it absolutely kills me and all I want is for him to be back with me then everything would be alright again. Peter always made sure I was looked after, and I miss that so much, just like you miss your husband not being with you looking after you. The doctors surgery rang me today and told me I had to go for some blood tests and blood pressure taking as I hadn't seen a doctor since Peter died in 2014. So I am going early May, I want to get over this tooth problem first and build myself up a bit before going. Also with being on antibiotics they cannot do blood tests until they are out of my system. At least everything is now out in the open and I feel better for it. My sons have promised to ring me instead of texting me all the time as they say they tend to forget I don't speak to anyone from week to week as all my neighbours are out at work and even when I go shopping I only speak to the shop assistants, it is a lonely life. So the next time I speak to you Karen I hope I will be much better. Love Sheilaxxxxx

Oh Sheila so happy to hear that they have rang and yes it's a great plan to have someone else to contact if ever needed when your alone you just never know a fall or hurt anything can happen but it should not be the only reason they should want to but at least they all know how you feel so at least they can now understand your feelings and yes even if you do look younger we all still need that comfort from the people we love in our lives and our husbands made us feel so loved that's why the pain of them not being with us is so hard it is so important that you do go to the doctors and get checked seeing you haven't been in awhile but fully understand getting over this tooth first that in itself would bring you down how horrible to have all those needles and then stitches I hate the dentist myself would rather be told anything from a doctor it would be a shame to have to leave your home it sounds so beautiful with your garden I'm glad you feel the need is not there to do this and I bet so is Barney your so right it's a very lonely life now one I myself hate But we must make the best of it as we can I myself am at least fortunate that my second boy has his own cleaning company so he rings nearly everyday to see how I'm doing then picks me up to go with him to do odd jobs quotes etc I get out and about and I enjoy his company so much I've always had a soft spot for this one and I think he's the same for his old mum yes I know you say I'm young but lately I feel so old even my eyes are getting bad life is just not what we want it to be anymore please take care and I will catch up with you soon love karen

Thank you Karen. After the heart to heart talk I have had with my sons, I have decided I am going to try and move on with my life as always thinking about the past is making me ill. I have told my sons I am going to start at the beginning of winter, clearing my husbands clothes out, I will not give them away, I will box them up in airtight bags and put them in a container in the garage and when I die, my sons can get rid of my clothes as well as Peters. They have been hanging there for 18 months now and the shoulders are starting to collect dust and it breaks my heart to see them in such a state as Peter loved his clothes. I even thought about washing and ironing them all but I thought I would make things worse for myself. There is no way I can get rid of them permanently but at least I will have made a start on building a life on my own without Peter. I will be honest with you Karen, the reason I kept all his clothes was I honestly thought that one day he would walk back through the door and it would all have been a big mistake. I have all his photos, books, records, CD's in the cabinet where he left them so I have many things belonging to him in the house. I am so lucky that I have a video of our wedding and a video of Peter when we went to see our first grandchild so one video is of him when he was 21 and the other is when he was 60 and it is wonderful to see him walking about and talking and in good health. My family are coming tomorrow as I have birthday presents for my grandsons and the day after I am going to their birthday party. The week after is Peters 70th birthday so me and my two sons are going to remember him by having a meal and a drink. Then it is a meal with my soon to be daughter-in-laws family, then the hen party, then the wedding, then a holiday in Devon, that is the South of England in the UK. So I have a busy three months in front of me. It is just so hard, as you know, keeping a smile on your face all the time, when the only person you want to be with is not there. Speak to you soon, Love Sheilaxxxxx

Hello Sheila glad everything is now out in the open and yes now maybe you will feel a little bit more relaxed knowing the boys understand your needs its hard to say when the time is right to let go of their things I myself couldn't keep peters clothes I told my boys they could have all or anything they wanted of there dad they have all kept something to remind them of him his personal trophies hats etc I couldn't bear to keep seeing his things as they were in my room our room and it made me so upset all the time but it's different for everyone I to would often think it can't all be real but this nightmare is so as time goes on the pain lessens a little but not the love it is will be so strong it has to go on but in saying this you must now look forward to yourself and healing as the new person you are they stay safe always in our thoughts and kept tightly in our heart I know your Peter would want you to now focus on yourself and maybe it is time I tell myself the same thing everyday and you know sometimes it's ok not happy but ok so I wish this for you your really so lucky to have kept all your memories of your love they must mean the world to you now it will be hard to have peters birthday without him by your side but I just know he's there when ever you think of him and yes with quite a bit coming up for you its maybe just what you need to lessen your pain a little I do hope and pray that even for a short time you feel some peace we all need this and I know we have to practise that fake smile I wonder do we really ever get that good at it as they say time will tell all my love karen

Thank you Karen, yes, I will try and let go but it will be hard, I know my brother-in-law took all my sister's things to the charity shop the day after her funeral as he said it was too painful to keep seeing them hanging there when he opened the wardrobe. We both had our own wardrobes so I didn't see Peters clothes every time I opened the door so I was able to cope and was happy that they were still in his wardrobe waiting for him to come back. I know that will never happen so I think it is about time I started to get my new life in order. I cannot give them to charity as Peter loved his clothes so that is why they are going to be folded up and put into sealed storage bags and put in the garage so the boys can dispose of them and my clothes when I die. I am being a coward, I really am by leaving it to my sons to sort out but there is no way I can give them away so strangers can wear them. I will keep two of his favourite jumpers, but the rest will be stored away. My sons don't want anything as even though they are both very tall like their dad they are slim, and as Peter was a well made muscular man his clothes would be much too large for them. If he had been slim like my sons I would have worn his clothes myself around the house. No-one can take our memories away from us can they and at least I have videos of myself and Peter and 1000's of photographs of us travelling the world so I will have to make do with those. At the moment I am living on painkillers but once my gum heals and the pain stops, I may feel a little bit more like getting on with my life as this year is going to be a busy one for me. My next door neighbours daughter is marrying her Australian fiance today so I hope the weather keeps fine for them. Love Sheilaxx

Hello Sheila just got back in from going out to bingo tonight didn't win but all the same it was good to get out of the house for a little while the silence is so hard to take at times I'm like your brother in law I had to give away my peters things so straight away as yes they were a constant reminder that he wouldn't be able to use them anymore but like I said everyone is so different I myself kept my fathers old pair of slippers when he died six years ago and can't bear to part with these but peters things just tore me up every time I looked at his clothing isn't that strange but I have photos of him in my room so I can see his beautiful smile when I wake and before I go to bed I sleep on his side of the bed have since so in itself I think he's still with me so we do what we can to go on with our lives you will find the thing that makes you smile whether you keep 1 or 2 or more pieces of his clothing my boys are all slim like there dad was only all three boys are taller than him so they were able to use some of his jackets etc Yes you are so lucky to have your beautiful memories to cherish they will be a constant reminder of the love you found in your life so in a way we really are lucky to have had these two wonderful men to love some people never get this fortunate I myself feel so blessed as I'm sure you do to so now let's see what life offers up to us it can never be anything bad as we we have already gone through the bad time so only good must follow and when you feel a little better is the time for you to focus a little more for you and enjoy your busy time with whatever comes at you Peter would want that and hope the wedding went along fine for this new couple and if they are just as happy as we were then they will be very lucky people to all my love your friend Karen
And have hope in tomorrow for memories can never fade

Hello Karen, Just got back from my two grandsons birthday party and it helps take your mind off things. I could not believe how many mums were there who are divorced. They are only in their 30's and 40's and have two or more children then I think of me and Peter, together for 50 years and still in love with each other and me being devastated that he is no longer with me. Do these young couples actually try anymore, even my own son is divorced and getting married again in 10 weeks time. I am much older than you and feel that when we got married all those years ago, it was for ever, even when we had an argument, about something and nothing, we never ever slept apart or stopped talking to each other. We always went out as a couple never me going with the girls or Peter going with the boys, we enjoyed each others company and on our own we were fishes out of water, but nowadays it is every single week, girls going out together, the boys going out together and leaving the grandma to child mind. I know times have changed, but not for the better. It hurts me so much because of the love and memories we had together and knowing I will never, ever see Peter again in my lifetime is killing me. I just hope and pray that he is waiting for me when it is my turn to go because if I thought I would never see him again, I don't think I could go on, that is what is keeping me going, knowing one day he will be waiting for me. Love Sheilaxx

Hello Sheila glad you went out for the day yes it is good to have something to take your mind of things even for a short while I myself went to my nieces wedding it was beautiful in a garden but myself I prefer a church wedding there so much more personnel I'm old fashioned I suppose and yes the young people of today have so many different ways of life they really don't seem just so committed anymore people don't seem to want to make there marriage go the distance I meant all the vowels when I was married never realising till death do us part it would be so soon you and I are still living the dream of having our only love I know there will never be this love again but I truthfully believe we will see be with them again in my heart and mind I know this it's only time that stands between us so I will wait as you must but never stop thinking peters not with you he's in every thought that's why our memories of them are so special not for anyone else just us is your tooth better now I know when your not feeling your best this can also bring you down so am hoping your ok it will be quite exciting for you in the next couple of months with a holiday and all please try to enjoy yourself even for a little peace you deserve that your friend karenxxx

I totally agree, the last church wedding I attended was ours in 1964 and I too meant every single vow I said to Peter on that special day and when I said 'until death us do part' I never thought about death or what it would mean when Peter died as I thought we were invincible and would live forever. All our friends from that era also got married in church and are still married or widowed, having lost their husband or wife, but they stayed the distance like you say. Our neices, friends, sons etc. all got married in large hotels. It makes me wonder if, because they don't say their vows in a house of God, they don't mean as much to them, in the hotel it is more about the wedding, the dress, flowers etc. than what the marriage means to them, it is like them having a day where everything is centred around them but the true meaning of marriage isn't as important to them as it was for us. At our grandsons birthday party yesterday a friend who is much younger than me, who had known me and Peter for a few years and was now divorced asked me if I would ever think about going out with another man, I told her that in my lifetime there will only ever be one man for me and always will be and that is Peter, even though he is not here anymore he is still my husband and I will love him forever. She said what about for company, I told her at my age 73, I do not want another man in my life for company or anything else for that matter, the thought of another man touching me makes me feel physically sick. Anyone who has lost their husband or wife in their 50's, well that is a different matter, no-one can expect them to live the rest of their lives alone
but I am not in my 50's so that scenario doesn't come into it and the way I feel even then I would not want anyone else as no-one else could match up to him, he was, 6 ft 4 ins tall, very good-looking, he thought the world of me and looked after us for 50 years and no-one would ever come close to him. He was my soulmate, he was the other half of me and I honestly cannot wait to be with him again. Thinking about you. Love Sheila, your friendxxxxxxx

Hello Sheila yes we didn't really ever think about till death do we part as we were only truly in love and thought it would last forever in a way it still does like you I can truthfully say there will never be another man in my life I don't even think along those lines my Peter was and will always be the only love of my life as is your Peter why would we want to we had the best love anyone could of asked for I'm so sure of this so that's how I feel as do you your Peter sounds so handsome and tall and yes I can tell only by the way you miss him that he thought the world of you I know that We were so lucky to have been blessed in loving them as they loved us it's true they were our other half and now we don't feel whole it's strange to think that some people need to fill there lives with someone else but no not me I will wait my turn and be with the man I love for yesterday and today and all the days that follow hoping there's not to many but I will wait my turn as will you then only will we be with them again just this thought makes me smile hoping your good today and best thoughts your way love Karen

Hi Karen, we have got the solicitor here tomorrow night sorting out the will and Power of Attorney in case I can no longer handle things on my own, it only kicks in if I become incapable but at least it is another problem sorted. When my brother in law got cancer, he was too ill to handle his finances so his daughter got Power of Attorney with his blessing and they did it together and he said it was a load off his mind knowing that someone else was sorting things out. But unfortunately, he took a turn for the worst and died four days later, so it never actually got started. I just want things in order, the boys know where everything is regarding my finances and the deeds etc. so they won't have a problem sorting things out. When my mum died, she had a will, but I could not find anything, passport, pension book, rent book, god knows where she hid them, it took ages to sort out, so I have got everything in order. It is just another thing I haven't to bother about. Goodness me, don't they know how to charge for doing it, solicitors, they are highwaymen. It has been a terrible day here today, cold and windy, I am surprised it hasn't snowed. I have started a health kick today, I have 10 weeks before the wedding to get myself looking something like, I am a mess at the minute as my tooth is absolutely killing me and I am living on two types of painkillers now. I can only take paracetamol and ibuprofen as I am allergic to anything stronger. Speak to you soon. Sheilaxxxxx

Hello Sheila got in late tonight as was helping my son all day with some cleaning contracts they help keep my mind of things I'm eager for any thing to distract my mind and fill up these lonely days as I suppose you do to anyway glad to hear you will have everything sorted it brings you relief I'm sure and I can only inmagine how dear it all is but at least it will give you peace of mind I know you said it was horrible weather but I just love the cold and especially the rain it would be so wonderful to see snow you really are lucky to get to see this it's great that you are starting to take a little time out for yourself and give your health some attention but I'm sure you look just great probably don't feel great with the tooth and all but this will pass so good on you I say hoping your days are better and your feeling yourself real soon truly your friend karenxxxx

Hi Karen, I love winter when it is snowing and cold as I can put the heating on and snuggle down, and I haven't to be gardening all the time. I also love summer but like I said before, am not one for sun bathing, I get bored. I have found out why I am in so much pain, I went back to the dentist this morning for some more antibiotics and she examined the gum which had been cut open and there was a piece of loose bone inside it. I make no wonder it hurt, it was like having a broken needle moving about in an open sore. Anyway it is out now so it should be healing up soon. Solicitor coming tonight for me and my sons to sign the papers for the will and Power of Attorney that will be another job sorted. Been a very hot day here today, been sat on my swing, playing with Barney, he loves being outside, trouble is if I don't go out, he won't go out. Speak to you soon, Sheilaxxxx

Hi Sheila you poor thing no wonder it's still hurting and playing up for you at least now maybe it will settle down yes when it's cold there's nothing more comfy than snuggling under the covers listening to the wind and rain some people complain about the cold but me no I hate the summer and I'm getting worst with each year guess it's my age as I get older can't manage it like I use to but that goes with age I suppose I was never any good at gardening I just don't have a green thumb and anyway only have a small place not much to look after so it's good my sister lives with my mother she moved in when her husband died and keeps my mum company after dad dying and she took over mums yard it is absolutely beautiful now plants etc so she's the one with the green thumb not much happening today so I'll just potter around give Barney a pat for me hope you have a good day take care love karenxxx only tomorrow till the site closes still what a shame but with the new one something to look forward to bye for now

Hi Karen, yes one more day then we will have to wait for the other site to get up and running. I used to love summer so did Peter, but when you are a couple you can go off for days together, go out for meals, have week-ends away and holidays. Without him it just seems so pointless. What is there to do on your own, I don't enjoy going out with friends since Peter died as he is not there when I arrive home. I have so much to look forward to and still have my sons and grandchildren, but I just cannot get enthusiastic about anything. I got the will and Power of Attorney sorted out last night all signed, sealed and delivered so that is now out of the way. To be honest I have a comfortable life thanks to Peter but it means nothing without him. I have no family at all apart from my sons and grandchildren. If I had my sister still alive it could have been so different but I haven't. That is why I think you are very lucky, you have a large family around you. Anyhow, speak to you again soon. Your friend Sheilaxxxx

Hello Sheila I know what you mean it was good when you could spend the day or evening with our husband doing whatever as it brought us such pleasure just being along side of them even watching tv there was a special bond in the room now it's cold and so lonely yes I know how lucky I am to have a large family and all my grandchildren but you know I feel so much like you I just can't seem to feel anything but alone even when I'm with them I've lost that spark for life and really everything in it maybe with time I'll settle into something but it seems so pointless at the moment I to lack any enthusiasm for anything really going out talking to people whatever comes my way I just can't seem to feel anything but sad I know we have to find our way through this but it's so hard to face day after day but we do God only knows how I'm so sorry your sister isn't here with you like you say maybe it would of been a little easier to bear but then I don't really think anything could make it better we just have to find some peace in our life now to continue until it's the right time for us you know I can truthfully say that with each passing day I feel that I'm that little bit closer Morbid yes but that's how I think of live now yes and glad at least Peter looked after you and you are comfortable it doesn't need any more stress in our lives I think we have all that we can handle without any other facts to focus on in saying all this I really do hope you are ok and look forward to hearing from you when this new site opens up it brings me a small sense of pleasure talking with you someone that really can understand and not just trying to say the right words to think it's alright or thinking they have to

Truly your friend love karenxxx

Hi Karen, we are very much alike in the way we feel. I feel terrible knowing I have two lovely sons and three grandchildren and more to come, that love me and I love them, but they don't go anywhere near to filling the great big hole Peter has left in my life when he died. My sons and grandchildren are my blood, as are your children but it breaks my heart that they cannot fill the ache in my heart since Peter died. Perhaps if they were younger and still living at home we could all grieve together but I feel as though I am grieving alone as they are busy getting on with their lives and have things to take their minds off everything. I was the same when my mum, sister and dad died, I had Peter by my side, putting his arms around me and letting me cry all the hurt away, but now he is not here, I just sit and cry alone for the one person who was everything to me and I am so lost. If I won ÂŁ10 million pounds on the lottery it would not give me pleasure, I would give it to my sons and animal shelters. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Like you I have lost the reason to get up in the morning, if I didn't have Barney I would not get up at all. It is just one long day after another, I should make an effort, but then I am walking around town, on my own, going for lunch, on my own as all my friends still have their husbands and of course do things with them but they have no idea what they are going to have to face in the future when one of them dies and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When the site closes down tomorrow, I will email you until the new site gets going. You look after yourself. Love Sheilaxx

85 More Responses

I lost my husband 5 days ago, he was 44 I just turned 40. We have a 8 year old daughter and I don't know how to even breath right now. My heart is so broken and I am scared to death about our future. How do I do this? How dare God take him for me? How can I go.on without him? So.many questions and I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry for you, you are so very young, I cannot believe how many young people are on here that has lost their beloved partners. We were together for 50 years so I thank God how lucky we were to have gone through life together from him being 18 years of age to him dying 50 years later. We were never apart and all I can say is we had a charmed life, no money problems, no health problems just a fantastic life together so as I say, it helps me enormously to know how lucky I am to have had all that when people like yourselves lost the one you love so very young with such young children. You have to go on for your daughter and I know just how hard that is going to be, I don't know what else to say to you as I know as far as you are concerned, your world has come to an end. Please look after yourself as your daughter also needs you. I found talking to my sons about their dad helped us all enormously, when you try to ignore your feelings and don't mention your loved one it makes you feel much worse so now I talk about their dad to them whenever we meet and it makes us feel he is still a big part of our lives even though he is no longer with us. xxxxxx

I lost my husband on April 3rd and can barely function I can't imagine how you are coping with a young child. My husband and I were together 30years and as of this moment I have not been able to say goodbye to him his death was sudden so there has to be a post mortem .My son is at work early morning and sleeps when he comes home I spend lots of time alone . My husband did not believe in God but I do but can't understand why when I do my best I had to lose my husband. I know he loved me very much as I did him I wish we had spent so much more of our time together .

Oh Barbara I know you don't want to hear this probably been told over and over but time will ease your pain a little each day I myself still cry for my husband going on 18months now but some days are a little easier than others so please look after yourself and take it slowly it's all you can do my husband died at home so sudden also so I know how agonising the results are waiting for the autopsy report it doesn't offer much relief either way but I'm sure you were so loved it really doesn't matter how long you were together true love knows sincerely sorry karenxxx

I Never believed i was ever going to be HIV Negative again,Dr Antogia has given me reasons to be happy,i was HIV positive for 2years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me,but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about antogiatraditionalhealer at yahoocom on how he was able to cure someone from HIV,this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any Disease problem that Dr Antogia can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me a healing portion, which he wanted me to take for days, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by Dr Antogia, i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HIV Negative, friends you can reach Dr Antogia on any treatment for any Disease he is the one only i can show you all up to, reach him on

My partner died 14 years ago I was 21,I still miss him and cry for him everyday,and ask him to send me signs he's with me,I hurt so much,I have never saw his beautiful face in my dreams,never not once since he died,he was 31 he was nearly 11 years older,he died by suicide,so I get so angry with him,but we had argued that that day,and I told him I didn't want him anymore and kept saying it,even though I loved him with my whole being,he went away and a week later. After o searched everywhere and informed police they came to tell me they had found him dead in a hotel room,my picture was in his hand and I had a suicide letter,I remarried and had children,but I cant get over him,I tell him fail how much I love him,and to please come for me,I take a lot of medication due to the major depression I suffer,I just hope he waits for me and can see he was my soul mate and i loved him very dearly,my husband doesn't let me talk about him and calls him names,and says I killed him I need to live with it,but I cant,he used to call me his girl forever 😊 he's my whole life and I know if ed lived we would of had our own little family and been together forever xx

My husband died on November 4th 2015 it's two months in a couple days! I totally understand! I've been with him since I was 23 and he was 44! He was a doctor and I worked with him in the beginning and then stayed home to raise our children! I feel lost and there's so much to do! I will pray for you! I have to try to praise God in the bad times as well as the good!
But it's very difficult!
God bless you! Our 34 th anniversary would have been on November 17
I understand your feelings it's so difficult!

I can completely relate. My husband died two months ago in September 2015. We had been together for 17 years. He was also 55 and died of complications from a heart attack last June. He had extensive heart damage and congestive heart failure. He wore a life vest, but did not have it connected the night he died. His doctor told him he needed an implant, but he was afraid to go under the anesthetic. I found him lying on the living room floor when I woke up that morning. I miss him every single day. I am angry with him for ignoring his doctor's advice. Everyone in the family told him he needed the implant from his daughter, stepmother, me, his sister-in-law who is a nurse and CEO for a hospital, my parents and his sister. I love him like crazy, but feel like he cheated me out of my "forever." I understand he was afraid, but I feel like he was completely selfish in his decision. I too have gotten rid of most of his clothes and some of his cars. Somethings I can't touch like the sheet he was covered with when he went to bed. I can't see the light out of this forest. My mother says life will not always be like this, but I can't see it being any different right now.

Omg I'm crying as I write this because I totally understand!
My husband was a doctor and wouldn't listen to his doctors! He was so stubborn!
Our youngest daughter is 18! He felt like he was invinsable!
It not only try area me up because I miss him it hurts me for our children especially my 18 year old because we are the ones that had go call the paramedics and he was gone before they could even intubate him although we had three days to say goodbye the only thing keeping him alive was by artificial means. Anyway I'll pray for you too cause it's amazing how similar the stories overhead and as I lay here in bed by myself I talk to him although he's gone.
God bless you!

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I am so sorry for your loss. That sounds trite by a lot of people (though well meaning) and an automatic response but for people like me (and there are thousands!) we really do know how you feel. Please don't think that you wish you could die. Grieve all you need and don't let anyone pressure you to "get over it". I am here if you need to talk. Big hugs heading your way xx

I lost my husband on September 10, 2014, and I will never get over his loss. Ever since he died, I've wanted to die, too. I have some bright moments in my life, but really, I can't see the point of continuing to live. I'm fortunate to have my husband's family, a job I love, my dogs, and my friends, but it's just not enough. Without my husband my life seems pointless. He was 68 when he died, and I was 57 - just a little over 10 years difference in our ages. He died of lung cancer. He smoked until he was 50 and then quit but died anyway when he was 68. I just can't bear it anymore. I wish I could die.

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry for you. My soul-mate, my husband, died on the 30th August, 2014, he was also 68 years old and we had been together from him being 18, fifty years and never, ever apart. I ache inside with the pain of it, cry all the time, watch a DVD of our wedding, which was taken from a cine reel, and wish I was with him. We have two wonderful sons and three fantastic grandchildren, but all I want is my darling husband, nothing matters anymore. I cannot find anything to be happy about or look forward to. He was ill for ten years and I became his carer for the last three years of his life so the house became neglected. After he died , to make me think about something else, I started modernising our home, picking our favourite colours, I kept his bookcase and books, they are in the room, I kept all his records and CD's, they are in the room cupboard, he was a 60's American music fanatic. All his clothes are still in his wardrobe and I find no need to get rid of them, I have his ashes that are waiting for me to die so we can be scattered together. If anyone came to the house and looked around they would think that my husband was still with me. I try and keep busy because if I stop for a second I break down and cry. Since he died 13 months ago, my auntie, uncle and brother-in-law have died, I am now the only one left from my 'old' life, no-one to discuss the 60's with, no-one to remember the day I met my husband, I am alone with my memories and it is absolutely killing me. If someone can tell me how to go on without him it would be appreciated, but at the moment I don't care if I live or die, I would never do anything stupid as it would hurt my children, but if I became ill I would not seek treatment as living years without him is unthinkable. My life came to an end the day he died.

I could have written those last lines! I have told all family (his family as I only have a brother who is not nearby) that in the event of illness, I want absolutely no treatment whatsoever to prolong my life. The thought of living years without him is unbearable. I did get rid of most of his clothes and some other things, but I have a downstairs room full and a shed full of tools and other things that I will never use. Yes, keeping busy is the best thing to do. I volunteer at the local animal shelter, but still I'm sitting here this afternoon thinking of the chores I should do and I'm even going to meet friends later, but with him not here, I feel so much pain. I wish you comfort and peace.

Thank you for your reply. I started a journal the day my husband died and I write down all my thoughts and exactly how I am feeling. I cannot talk to my sons as I cry all the time and I don't want them worrying about me. They are also upset but have their lives to keep them busy and their own families to look after, they don't need me getting upset each time I see them so I put on a brave face. I thought the journal, when I die, may let them see exactly what I was going through 13 months after their dad died and I want them to see that their mum loved their dad so very much. I will keep on with the journal and perhaps in a couple of years time I may write some happy thoughts in it, but at the moment, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband was also a smoker and stopped when he was 60 but too late. I am 73 year old, I was three years older than my husband. I thank god I am this age because if I was younger I could not bear to live many years without him. I have a massive German Shepherd dog who was my husbands best friend and I just want to wait until he dies, then I want my husband to come for me. I could not bear it if I died before my pet as no-one in the family will take him as he is so large and he would not survive with strangers. So I will carry on as I am now, watching our wedding DVD, looking at our photographs and playing 60's music as my husband always had 60's American music playing all the time. My god I miss him so much, my whole body aches for him.

I have the same thoughts! I have two black Labs, and they sleep with me, and I love them dearly. Maggie is almost nine, and we got her as a puppy. Holly is a rescue that we got two years ago, so she only knew her "dad" for a year. I don't want them to die before I do because I'm afraid of what will happen to them, but I'm also scared that they will die before me and it will too painful. I've even asked God to let Holly and me die together with her in my arms. Maybe that sounds silly, but I believe you can understand how I feel. I envy you being 73. I am only 58, and I'm scared of living 20 or 30 years more. Even 10 years seems unbearable. Every day that goes by separates me further and further from my beloved husband in time. On the first anniversary of his death, I was completely distraught thinking that a year had gone by and I was still here. But I tell God that it's okay if I'm here to take care of Maggie and Holly!

I too am so glad I am 73 years old. I know exactly what you mean. If I was told I would have to live many years without my beloved husband I think I would go insane. Like I have said, I have fantastic sons and grandchildren but they do not fill the ache I have inside me. My brother-in-law was 46 when my sister died, my mother was 55 when my dad died, my mother in law was 47 when my father in law died, how on earth they went on to live another 20/30 years on their own, god only knows. Now it is only me from my 'old' family and it is slowly grinding me into the ground with the hurt of it all. I found a song on You Tube, called, ' IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER' by Eileen Reid. It is wonderful. You must listen to it. I took all our pictures from the day we met, got married, had our family, until the day my husband died, and put them on Windows Moviemaker, and added this song for the soundtrack. It is absolutely wonderful. I added it to itunes and it is on my iphone and goes everywhere with me. Luckily I am computer literate so I can do things like that. I just want to stay until my pet dies (which like you say, will totally send me over the edge) then I want my husband to come for me. I am thinking of you but there is nothing I can say that will help any of us, we have lost the one person we loved and spent all our lives with and it hurts so much.xxxxx

I journal also! I write to him every day a letter and tell him how I'm feeling!
God bless you!
I have to go on because our kids already went through loosing their dad so I've decided that I have to keep going and take care of myself for them!
I know the feeling of wishing you would die but if you have Jesus in your heart you will be with him again some day!
So just lean on God! He loves you and will comfort you!
It doesn't mean that it's easy but I know I will be with him when it's my appointed day!
I will pray for you!
God bless you!
I understand!

We had 21 years difference I. Our age!
But was married for 34 years.
God bless you

I hope everyone is okay and getting through each day the best they can. I was busy over Xmas with my family, I went to their homes as I could not bear to be in my own home without my husband. For over 45 years I made our front room like a fairly land both for our sons when they were children, then our grandchildren, but now, I just cannot bear to put up a tree never mind hang the Xmas cards. They came to me for a few days in the New Year and we all stayed up to watch the New Year in, I sobbed myself to sleep as it was the second New Year that my husband was not with me to drink a glass of wine, give me a kiss and say Happy New Year. I honestly don't know when this heartache will end, I just don't think I can go on another few years without him. I want to ensure I am here for when My pet dies then I do not give a damn what happens to me. Can I ask you lovely people on here if they are doing the same as I am. I met my husband in August 1964, when he was 18, it was love at first sight and we were never, ever apart unless we were working, having babies or in hospital. I find myself looking at our photos of when we were young, before we had the children. Watching our wedding video as well. It is as if I want to have a time machine to take me back to 1964 and do it all again. All I think of is how tall and good looking he was in his dark suit, white shirt and dark tie, just like the pop stars of the 1960's. I can still look at his photograph now and get butterflies in my stomach, that is how much I loved him, I am 73 years old and still get that feeling of excitement when I look at his photograph of when he was my 18 year old boyfriend soon to be husband. I am slowly being ground down by my grief.

Hello just wondering if your coping a little better now I've joined this site looking hoping for new friends as I'm coming into 17 months in this horrible club we've joined I'm 57 now and please tell me it gets easier as the days go by thankyou best wishes karyn

I'm at 18 months now and I can't honestly say it's gotten better although it's like a rollercoaster ride. I do have some not-so-bad days, but it always comes back to the fact that he's gone, which throws me back into depression again. I hope things get better for you. We are all different and some are more resilient than others.

I'm into 17 months from losing my sweetheart I'm a little like you some not so bad days wish this was never upon any of us please take care karyn

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Me too my husband died 7/8/15 and I felt the exactly the same's been 3monts 18days

Oh the heart ache of counting the days that go on without our loved one with us respectively karyn

I lost my husband 2 months ago. I loved him like no other. I think he loved me too. I can't see how to go on. no warning, no long goodbye-just a call from his work to tell me to go to the hospital, where he was
doa and I got no bedside manner, I am now trying to maintain our house on one income and I am alone every night. I'm not sure how to deal.

I am 46 he was 42-my aunt told me I am stuck in the middle and have to give up on a future or marry again for money-because at my age-nobody wants me.

That is a terrible thing to say to you. You are very young indeed and I am absolutely heartbroken for you. In a way it is much harder for you young women when you lose your beloved husband or partner as you have not lived your lives together to the full. At least I had 50 years with my husband, he saw our sons married and give us grandchildren and that is something I am so very grateful for. All I can say to you is to get as far away from people like your aunt who is running you down, you need help and sympathy to help you not make it worse. I am thinking of you.

My darling boy died 2 months ago. He was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health and died an hour later. I ran down to the store for 15 mins and when I returned he was already gone. I screamed "you cant leave me". He was 68. We were both 15 when we met and married at 19. It was a love affair from the beginning to the end. We travelled the world and had an amazing romantic life for 50 years.
We also have 2 wonderful daughters and 2 amazing grandsons, kind smart and handsome.
Yet I feel so lost w/o him. I put on a good face but cry Every night. I read your stories and we all have a common thread. We married wonderful men, had a wonderful life. We are the lucky ones. It is so hard to say goodbye because they were special and we felt special because they chose us. Every day I remind myself that I had a great guy who thought I was "the bomb" for 53 years. He was my darling boy and I will never forget him. I was "Bobbys Girl" (a song from he 60s) for 53 years and what a thankful girl I am.

Dear Children of God, call any time. I have ears to hear and eyes to see. Gene 479-652-0887 (USA only)

I just lost my wonderful husband Charlie July 11, 2015. I feel everything u describe. We were married 43 years. Unbearable.

You will always long for him and the life you made together but somehow you will move forward. It wasn't God who took him, it was an act of Satan. Remember that you will see him again and it will be awesome- you will have all of eternity together and that's a wonderful thought! Know that he is with you in your day to day life and he is watching over you like he always did in life.

My beloved husband of 31+years died on 9/10/14 at 68 years old after a short illness, and I wanted to die with him. I have not changed my mind about this since then. Not a day passes that I have not prayed to die. Everyone expects me to get better, but even though I function okay, going to work and getting through each day, I still want to die. We were so happy together and life without him seems pointless. I am only 58 years old and the thought of living another 30 years without him horrifies me.

My husband died just 1 week ago today. We were married for 22 years. I can't bear this pain. I can't bear that he is not with me. I don't want to be here. There is no reason for me to be here. The children have grown and moved on. My joy is gone. I have no desire to live. I don't want to hear that time heals! I don't give a F*)^* about that. Heals what?? My missing him, my not wanting to be here? NEVER. I nursed him at home on my own for 4 weeks of palliative care and he told me he wanted to live. He did not want to spend his last days in hospital. I wanted him home too. He said he would miss me. Now those words are all I hear. They go round and around in my head constantly. I am a believer and I don't hate God or blame him but I can tell you my faith is now almost zero. I can think of nothing else but the need to be with my husband. If I were not a believer I would have take my own life by now. I am here only because I have to be. I speak to my husband all the time and I ask him what he wants me to do. Ive asked him to ask Jesus to please take me too. I have never known such anguish. I am contemplation not eating ever again. What's the point.

I will pray for you!
My heart breaks for my husband too!
I won't give you any clichés
Just know that I care!

This is exactly where I am.. trapped in the belly of hell. Promised my husband I would go on even though I didn't want to. And knowing that if I did anything God would not let me see my husband again. It would be so easy. I'm 53. I don't want anymore of any of this..

Please feel free to write anytime as I feel your pain coping as best we can a new friend if needed karyn

Oh how I take heed of the words you wrote I feel your pain as do many sincerely a friend to each karyn

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I lost my fiancé 1 week ago tonight to a brain aneurysm In 1 hour he was gone. We were to be married 4/18. He was 42 We were mirrors for each other. He healed my heart. I still feel him and hear him. I struggle to let anyone touch me and my arms are cold.

Hi I don't know if anyone will read this. My husband died suddenly on the 16th February 2015, he was 25 and healthy as can be, he was clipped by a truck as he rode his bicycle along a main road and I am 24.. We'd been married for 3years . No kids, no house but big plans for the future. I too am a follower of Christ and am left asking why, but still I have the peace that God/Jehovah/IAm is in control.
I'm sorry for those who have lost their loves, their lives and what they thought was their only reason to live. And I pray you have the strength needed to carry on.
Respectfully and in love

Hi, I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you are going through. My fiancé passed away April 20, 2015 from cirrhosis - liver failure. He and I met in 2008 as friends first then we lived together in 2013. It's been very hard letting him go...and my faith in God is strong but I still struggle everyday with his death. Please pray for me and his family...his mother 2 brothers and especially his 12 yo son. I will be praying for you too! :-)

God !!! My arse !!

I Understand, my husband passed on January 15th of this year we have a son he is so worried about me, his wife and my grandkids are great and all have tried to help me through this but it doesn't seem enough, my husband died in his sleep, I can bearly cope with this , he was 65 and I am 60 we got married right after I turned 18, I am a believer in Jesus and I know he is there for me, I get mad because he left me and at the next minute I thank God he passed peacefully

Can I just say, I was relieved to hear you husband passed in his sleep. Try and take some small consolation from that. I have just added my own post in here. My husband died one week ago today and he died in agony and suffering. I will never forget it. If he HAD to die, then I wish he could have gone peacefully too.

Oh the sadness you are going through only early days my dearest wishes and thoughts to you please take care karyn

So sorry for your loss I know everyone says this but only those that have lost that special love really understands the pain we are in my sincere wishes to you karyn

I know how you feel. My fiancé passed away May 2,2014. We were to be marrid on June 8,2014. He was my best friend and my soulmate. We were together for 5 years and we finally decided to do the whole marriage thing. I am heart broken and I cry all the time. He was my everything. Everything we did we dos for each other. We didn't have any kids together not by choice we tried for 4 years and I couldn't get pregnant. He has two kids from a previous relationship. I had to be the one to tell his family and his two kids that he is no longer with us. He passed away due to an accident at work. Every day I wish I could just die already so I can be with him too. But I know he would be upset with me if I thought like that. I was told to take it one day at a time and you will get through it. All my friends walked away after he passed I left here sad, lonely and broken hearted. I have faith in God too but I am upset with God for taking my one true love. I Dont like the single life at all. I want my fiancé back with me but know it won't happen. I just want to know he is waiting for me and still loves me. I went from planning my wedding to planning his viewing/cremation. I will forever be heart broken and will never move on from this. I'm 28 years old and I have never felt pain like this before.

Hey Cassie I know what u r going through I just lost my beloved husband on the 08 of April.. He was on his way home from work...i feel so lost n I'm suicidal... I don't hv any life without I feel ur pain ...we got married last year December

Just wondering how you were doing I Lost my fiancé 4months ago im only 28 also Im so confused and lost we had planned a life together

I Lost my love on May3rd 2014 from a heart attack, we were together 19 yrs and would have been married 17 yrs on August 1st .We have one son together he is 16 .I miss him everyday is so hard to be the one left behind .I haven't felt my husbands presence at all since his passing . I had one dream of him in an airport coming to see me and telling me he had to go not much time then it was gone . I had just left on trip to Europe to see my nephew & his family I arrived called home and our son answered to tell me his father was taken away in an ambulance he was 15 scared and alone .I was 4000miles away .my older son took him to the hospital where my husband was and found out he needed surgery , it went fine then he passed away in recovery . I came home a few days. later as soon as I could. I have felt guilty for not being with him . he was the love of my life we were together everyday we even worked together, he was only 55 im now a widow at 48 .life will never be happy again .

Lost the love of my life on Jan. 01, 2015 "New Years Day" after 26years together 16 of marriage. She was healthy and died so unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. But they never knew why.
Being her heart stop, her brain suffered from a lack of oxygen. So she was declared brain dead. I'm so angry, scared and sad. Have been talking to people about my pain. But all the words and sympathy are so empty and meaningless. It's not going to bring my wife back. I don't believe in hope, faith and God anymore. I prayed to God in the hospital everyday to save her life and if needed to take me instead. But he abandoned me, now I know for sure God does not exist. And God is rubbish too. I just wish I could find someone to talk to... someone who can understand what we're going through. Someone who had the same type of lost that we had.
I'm just want to count the days until I die. Every day passes by so agonisingly slowly. My kids keep me alive and I know one day that I'll have to move on ...that's what she would want me to do. ! I am only 46 and I love you so much Nicole Why did they take you from us.
Love you forever Henry, Devynn and Dillon

It is so easy to blame God, but he did not take your wife. God understands all of our sorrows. Even Jesus wept at the loss of his friend Lazarus. I do not blame God for the loss of my husband. I do ask "Why?" Turn to God and ask Jesus into your heart. He will bring you peace in this troubled time. I heard someone say not to move on, but to move forward. I like that, because moving on sounds like you are forgetting when you will never forget. If your wife was saved she is in Heaven now and would not want you to be angry at God. She is in peace now and would want you and the children to somehow find happiness.

I am the daughter of my loving parents. My father has advanced cancer and is dying. I hate seeing my mom in such pain shes aged so much. Please remember that God will allow you to be with your loved ones when its time. Get some friends and spend time with them for support and spend time with family most important go to church spend time with God.
it breaks my heart to see you all sad. I dont think your husbands would like to see you give up on life. My Dad has 3 yrs of cancer hes dying before our eyes he has been going to church
please pray my mother prospers like i know you all lovely ladies will.
In Jesus name your friend me.

I too, just lost my husband august 9, 2014 of a massive sudden heart attack 58 years. Married 15 years. We were at a jazz concert with friends. My heart is so heavy. I miss him tremendously. He was such a really great person He touched the world with his kindness. There is such a hole in my heart. I too, just want to go with him... i just want to run away from this pain, the hardest thing I ever felt. I believe, as time moves, so will I, I just miss my husband so much.
I know, that loving someone is the greatest gift, I just thought we had until our 90's.....

My husband went into OGH in Jan.2014 and he died Feb.2014 every day since Jan.2014 I have been crying, My eyes hurt so much I have lost my eyelashes my mind,heart and soul hurts so much. All I want to do is dig a hole and bury myself in it. I just can not get over the lose of my dear partner, best-friend and husband. He was only 54 and were were married and together for 22 years. I am a very firm believer in God, Jesus and the after life. I see is soul/spirit every day, I know he is with me. He even moves and start things to let me know that he is still by my side. I just want to join him now, I don't want to wait. No I am not suicidal. , I would never do that to myself. I pray for release of this body for my soul can reunite with my true self.

My husband died in June 2014. He had CMML and it turned into Acute Leukemia very fast. He was only diagnosed in October 2013. I have grown male children who live far away. I have no family close by. I am very lonely in the house by myself and don't know what to do. Has anyone gone to Bereavement Classes? I may try it. My husband was only 71 and I thouht we would have many more years together. I am Heart sick.

My heart is so broken. I lost my husband May 28, 2014. We found each other in 2007 after failed marriages. We were exactly what each other wanted and needed. Larry was my best friend, my confidant, my lover and my partner. We both knew how lucky we were to have found each other. Our children were grown and we spent every moment together except while we worked. We lived life to the fullest and made the most of our lives together. Last March he was diagnosed with MDS and we started the beginning of the end. I spent every minute with him and was the best care giver I could be. I held his hand and sang to him as the angels took him to heaven. My heart hurts so much. I have faith that God will get me through this and I would never ask him back in the shape he was in, that would be selfish. Our anniversary is August 22. Last year we spent it in the hospital. This year I will spend it alone. I love and miss you so much Larry.

I miss my husband too. Unfortunately, I only had him for a short time, we had been married for little over a year and a half. I was there when he left this earth. He waited for me to get home and hung on for as long as he could until I told him it was ok and he can go. His breathing got labored for a few seconds, I told him again louder it was ok to go, then nothing. His breathing stopped and he was gone. that moment is burned into my memory. Sometimes, I feel like I was punished for the things I had done in the past. April 14, 2014 I stopped wearing my ring, I took it off the first anniversary of his passing. I still have the comforter he had before we were even together on my bed. I try to sleep in the middle of the bed but always wake up on my side. I have forgiven God for taking him as watching him suffer everyday was torcher. I am not afraid to die as I know he will come for me when its my time. The hard part is getting up and existing in the land of the living. I try again and again to rejoin but something always brings me back.

Hi there I've just been reading your story I too have just lost my husband suddenly on 2 September 2014 the cause of death is still unknown he had major heart surgery last year and got thro it docs were pleased with his progress we married in April 26 2014 and had the best day ever . Only for him to be taken suddenly since he died I've been beside myself with grief we were only together for nearly 2 years but I had found my soul mate I feel he took apart of me when he died and still can't understand why he's gone I don't know what to do with myself I come on this site as I feel now one understands and hoped talking to others with similar experience may help natasha

I too too feel the same and just want to be with him now

I too feel the same and want to be with him now and hope my time comes soon I have 2 girls and he has 2 children they should be enough for me to carry on but I can't do life without him

I know how you feel. My fiancé and I were together for 5 years. He passed away May 2,2014 a month before our wedding June 8,2914 we were to be married. We didn't even make it to our wedding day. We loved each other so much. He passed away due to an accident at work that caused him to have a heart attack. I can't get the day out of my head. It replays and replays. I had to be the one to tell his family and his two kids from a previous relationship that he was gone. I went from planning our wedding to planning his viewing/cremation. I don't know how to go on without him.I have my wedding dress in my closet and all I do is cry. He was my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend and my one true love. So I know exactly how you feel

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don 't die that is not what he wanted if he loved you, my Husband was sick but we thought we had it beat, not so he left me after being in intensive care for over 16 days, we live out of town drive an old beater but somehow made it to him, held him all night after all life support disconnected brain had shifted so nothing left but still held him loved him 25 years not enough but don't be angry at God be glad for time you had live now for both of you We have a dog and a cat no money but somehow i will keep us together love is a bond that death cannot sever love and remembrance last forever, I scream, I cry, I want my Husband, best friend, lover back but will go on as I know he would want me to, try, try and try harder love him forever but love yourself as you know he did

Your post made me so angry you got to have a life with him you were able to grow old together my husband was killed 6 yrs ago on aug 26th I was not by his side I didn't get to say good by I wasn't able to hold his hand I wasn't able to comfort him all I got was a nock on the door and a box delivered off a plane be thankful for what you got with your husband some didn't get that at all

55 for my Husband was not old, grateful I am, hurt, lonely, lost scared, heartbroken I am, my Husband was in a coma so how much comfort he received will never know, so sorry for your loss, and yes was bittersweet to be with him but begged for over 12 hours for him to not leave me. held his hand rubbed his arm and wondered how anything could ever be so cruel. the unfairness of not being able to say good-bye must be unbearable, no words can ever be of any comfort to you. but please do not be angry at anyone.

I too lost my husband recently. He was 56. We had been married 30 years and have no children. I don't know how to live life without him. I am in bits..... Every day, every corner, every room, every drive into town, every restaurant ....memory after memory comes flooding back. I feel so lost.... I know how you feel.
Trishka. I

Hi, I recently lost my husband one month ago. He was also 56. We also don't have children. I miss him, so , so much it is just indescribable the pain and sadness that I feel right now. I know exactly what you mean, I drive by restaurants we went to, places we shopped at, we were together all of the time, I think that happens when you don't have kids. Just driving alone in the car from place to place and that horrible silences when you come in to the house. I am just wondering if it ever gets better, I just keep thinking what he would do if I had gone first - which I wish I had. It is so, so sad.

My husband died on April 27, 2014 and I've been feeling very lonely ever since. I believe that my pain will never goes away. It will be like a deep scar for the rest of my life. He also died suddenly of a massive heart attack and he died in my arms, although on the death certificate says he died at the hospital but I know that he was gone when he suffered the heart attack at Walmart on Flemington. I saw his eyes were still and when the paramedics arrived they tried everything, but my husband didn't respond at all, so they took him to the emergency room at Hunterdon Medical Center in Flemington, NJ. I've been missing him 24/7 and once in a while I get the flash back, but not the way he was last seen, but the way he used to be when he was younger. I remember when he was driving everywhere, answering the phones, going to solve problems, cutting grass, and all of sudden, I could see how he was deteriorating day by day till the day he died. He was around 80 when I married him and I was 41 years old at the time; today I am 57 years old and feeling as if I were a fish out of water without him. He was 95 years old, but I still thinking that he could be a little longer with me.

It is now May of 2014. I don't know if any of the original people still check out this site, but my husband died in January of 2011 after 9 years of cancer and over 20 years of soul ties... I don't know why it's hard to feel comfort about him! Probably because we always thought that after all the care-giving, I'd have a comforting dream or something if he went before me --but instead I had a dream of our deceased family dog!? I haven't moved on because I never got to adjust. Our teen didn't allow me to grieve, as watching the family tapes made him angry... Still, I'm trying to have faith that I could see him in Heaven... After a difficult childhood,my husband was the only one who ALWAYS called me his "angel," or his"beautiful, beautiful wife." Not hearing things like that--ever--gets to be too much these days...<br />
I wonder where a everyone else here is...

Is anyone else in my"boat"

had horrid childhood also, every morning my 55 year old husband said to his 61 year old wife good morning gorgeous, miss his voice his arms his touch, need him so much. don't know about heaven but my time on earth of 25 years was glorious with him, don't let others take away a second of the love you had, sorry for the negative in your life

Kaleb was that for me I was his Princess, and his Beautiful Gorgeous.

I lost my husband too. we'd been together since we were 13 and 14 yrs. old, It is 11 months today and I know just how you feel, my sons just tell me to quit crying, I feel so alone. I also have stopped believing in God, we all prayed for him to survive over the 2 weeks he was on a ventilator, God let me down and I am so angry. I had my 50th birthday while he was dying. The last 11 months have been a blur, I feel numb. I cope during the day because I have to work, I am a nurse and have to take care of my patients. At night I hate to go to bed because I fall into the deep hole we call grief and cry myself to sleep. You have to be strong, even if you died, there is no guarantee you will be with him, you need to stay with the living, hopefully we will both feel better with time. All the best to you.

So sorry for your loss! I just lost my husband 8 months ago of a Cardiac Arrest, we were married 38 years , have two children, and 5 grandchildren. I also feel your pain and numbness, and sometimes others just don't know what your are trully going through. I cry my self to sleep, I too almost gave up on life, but we as humans, we are weak on the earth , God Loaned us to our parents , He is the FATHER and HE Calls us Home, His Home.....Right now I don't Know His Plan for me..... I can't go to my house and stay . I am staying with my daughter and three grandchildren, not sure yet on life for me so many changes and don't know how to accept them... I just joined so I am new to this, and i realize it was in 2010 you lost your soul mate, he will forever be with you in your heart and mind.... nm widow

sorry for your loss, I lost my husband April 28 2013 so the 1 year anniversary is coming up, I thought by this point I'd of felt better but I don't. For some reason I thought by 1 year I'd feel almost normal again but I don't. I find I get lonely by myself and can't seem to imagine living the rest of my days without him. It all seems like a big mistake, like I'll wake up from a long dream. I'm glad to see that you have the support of family. If it weren't for my parents I don't think I'd have made it this far. My Dad drove me back and forth to the hospital an hour each way those two weeks I husband was in ICU and stayed right by my side when It took 5 hrs for my husband to pass away after taking his breathing tube out, the doctor said he's live about 1 hour, that was the worst 5 hrs of my life. That is what I have nightmares about. My husband was my soulmate, it sounds like your husband was yours also. Let's hope time does heal us, I hope you will feel better soon!

So sorry, i mis read the year!.....
Thank you for writing me back, all these people are reaching out because we are all lost in the Grief we are going thru.
we see all the things we are going through are almost the same. different people , different times in grief, but still so much in common. my heart feels for everyone..... nmwidow

you are right, it doesn't matter where we are from, if we are rich ,poor ,fat, thin ,black, white etc. all of us seem to grief so much the same, it seems to be the same thing that unites us as humans. I wish there was an easy way to go through grief. If we could figure it out, we could help a lot of people, couldn't we?

I was just going to say the exact same thing. When you lose the one person you loved most in the world and who had been by your side be it for 10 years or 80 years, your heart is broken in two and half of you is missing. I honestly thought, before I found this site, that no-one could have loved their husband/wife or partner more than I loved my husband, I thought no-one could be grieving like I was or feeling like it was the end of the world. I was so wrong. This site has put many things into perspective for me as I have seen that there are young women in their 40's who have lost their partners. I was one of the lucky ones, my husband and I were together for 50 years, saw our children married and give us grandchildren and for that I am so very grateful and I should really be thanking God for giving us that gift instead of asking him why he did it. I believe in God and the after-life, I am not a regular church-goer, used to be when I was a child, but we were married in church and had our sons and grandchildren christened and I know some day I will meet my husband again. The thing is, I wish it was sooner, rather than later. I wish all of you the very best for the future and I hope we can all get through this terrible dark

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Lost the love of my life last week after 16 years together. He was so healthy and died so unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. I'm so scared and sad and been talking to people about my pain in a vain attempt that someone would have a miracle solution that would heal me. But all the words and sympathy are so empty and meaningless. It's not going to bring my husband back. I don't believe in hope and faith and God anymore. I had prayed to God to save his life but he abandoned me. Now I know for sure God does not exist. And hope is rubbish too. I just wish I could find someone to talk to... someone who can understand. I'm just counting the days until I die. Every day passes by so agonisingly slowly. And after each day that's gone by, I try to reassure myself that it is one day lesser in my life... one day closer to death. But what if I have 30 or 40 or more years to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't live that long!!! I am 32 and I hope my life is very, very, very short. I love you so much R. Why did you leave me after you promised forever with me? Why could we not have died together? Now what do I do? What should I do with myself?

TishaGun, I also felt exactly the way you do now after I lost my husband. I know it's hard for you to believe right now, but YOU WILL FEEL BETTER as time goes on!! I was on the verge of suicide for quite a while, but now that I'm almost 4 years out, I don't have those thoughts so much anymore. I also thought about how many more years I would have to spend on this earth without my beloved husband and I really didn't think I was going to survive intact. It will happen gradually, but you will find yourself and you will make a life for yourself. It will be different than the life you knew with your loved one - it may not be as good or as satisfying, but you will live your life the best way you can. Your loved one would not want you to be unhappy - he would want you to make him proud of the life you will build for yourself. Be kind to yourself - allow yourself to feel and express those feelings - let them out - don't worry about what others think - you are grieving! Let others help you - lean on them, let them do things for you, let them cry with you. If you want to be alone, tell them so - grieving is hard work - devote time to it - allow yourself to cry, scream, wail - it will make you feel better. Don't forget that your loved one is still a part of your life - you are still in a relationship with him - it's just different now. Of course you miss him, but know that he is present in your life in all the things you say and do and feel and he always will be.

It's a month since my husband of 16 yrs passed away suddenly... 5 days after being released from the hospital. Every day is a pain. I cry every day and some days I just feel like I want to tear myself to pieces. We were completely devoted to each other and it is hard trying to comprehend that he is not here. All the little things we enjoyed doing together.... our every day phone calls and text messages to each other.... just hearing his voice saying "hey kid"... I used to call him "my viking" and he was everything to me. Life without him is just not the same. I'm feeling broken inside.

My husband of 44 yrs died July 18th 2013 ,we got married when I was 15 he was 17 he was here on Friday and gone the next Thursday . It'll be 8mos tomorrow and I still don't know what to do by myself.He was my everything.Everyone says it'll get easier but I don't know if that will ever happen,I go to work everyday but am so heart broken everyday on the drive home knowing no ones there.Its hard to live alone after all these years,I don't know what to do with myself

Why dont you make friends and make time for them. Or join a YWCA for women to swim and interact. Im taking my mom to Y she loves it.

My husband died on Valentine's day four days ago I loved him so much he was my whole world we have three small children and my whole life is gone when he left me I left with hI'm I'm lost scared mad and miss him my world has ended

My husband died on October 3,2013, He was 37, He was in an auto accident had a failed surgery, then a failed surgery to repair the first failed surgery. He never recovered or even was able to walk unassisted again. I found him outside dead he had fallen off the porch and died, he was trying to go outside unassisted to smoke a cigarette. We have an 11 and 12 year old, I just live a day at a time I hate being alone and I'm still so numb it all seems surreal. The coroner ruled he had died from injuries sustained in the auto accident. I had prayed for god to take away his pain I just didn't expect him to answer my prayers in that fashion, I'm not mad at god I think my husband was in extreme pain and the doctors didn't seem to know how to control it, maybe death was his only escape, he looked more at peace when I found him than I had ever seen him. As much as I loved and miss him I would not want him to have to be here like he was. He was my knight in Shinning amour and always will be.

My husband died after a cardiac arrest playing football two weeks ago and a year after our wedding. I don't know how I will live without him and I am tormented by not being able to say goodbye. Everything I'm reading of other experiences doesn't suggest that the healing process is very quick. I have lost a wonderful man, my lovely life and I feel cheated out of my future. But I know that there are other people suffering as I am .

I lost my handsome cowboy & love of my life to tonsil/liver cancer. Not only did I lose him, our male Aussie died 6 week later,had to sell our horses,ranch,equipment and most of our furniture. I had to drive our gooseneck back to the N.W. from AZ w/ what I had left & then sold the horse trailer too. I kept his pickup truck. It reminds me of him and I feel close to him when I drive it. I scattered his ashes and hair from our dog at the base of the cascades where we used to camp w/ the horses. I've truly lost everything but try to thank God daily for my blessings. I sold everything at a lose but what I do have I'm greatful for. I cry daily and don't want to go on.

go on, I hope you still are, new to this site but you must go on why for him, that is what I just asked and told myself several minutes ago, don't know what I am doing here, trying to look after his dog, we rent a tiny cottage and daily I try to sell things just so I can stay near him. and do wonder why bothering. but will know when I am done and go from there wherever there is. try to honor his memory and love of life but harder some days than others. so grateful that I had the love of my life just wished it could have lasted. sympathy and empathy to everyone but lets face it this sucks......

I feel so empty. My husband died almost three weeks ago. Now I will have to get through New Years without him. Trying to stay strong for my three young children, but I feel so weak without him. He is the love of my life and the other half of me. Now I am broken.

Sorry for your loss. Remember to put God first let him lead and guide you and give you strength. Join a support group or spend time alone with friends. Your children need you to be strong and keep them busy. In return theyll keep you busy and youll see your husband one day.

I don't know how long it as been since your husband died but it has been almost 4 years for me. We like you created our worlds around each other. I still miss him. Everyday I think of him and mourn for him. I love him so much. I don't know if it ever gets better. Not what you want to hear I am sure but we share the same grief and love for our departed. I just try to depend on God to get me through. IT IS HARD.

I know what you are going thru since I lost my precious wife of 47 years just one month ago on October 29th to cancer. Hang in there God is not done with us yet. Remember He has a plan for all those that belong to Him and loves Him.

How are you doing now?

My husband died September 2013. I am still having a difficult time even though I see a grief counselor every two weeks. Some days I wakr up sad and sometimes get sad as the day goes on

so sorry for your Loss, I too lost my husband of 38 years on Aug 6,2013 of a Cardiac Arrest and was numb and in disbelief and angry and blaming my self , I too am very lost.... not sure what is in store for me..... my heart goes out to all of you that have lost your soul mate and love of your life... nmwidow

Nanny 03 I pray God is with you and takes away your pain
friends and family is your support. Allow them in and allow Gods spirit to lift you until you see your love again.

Life is nothing but pain and is God the manipulator watching us suffer? I just watched my husband suffer and die with no good reason. I want my husband back too, right now because I can't keep walking this desolate road without him. Does God really love us more than his own son's life? Is all religion just a projection of our own boundless imaginations when we realise we're mortal and might need some support from someone immortal? Maybe like an invincible Superman. Who knows? It's impossible to accept without question what has just happened to my husband and to expect blind faith on my part. If we have the capacity to love and sacrifice doesn't that make us worthy of God's good graces? Someone out there may have an answer because I certainly don't and I can't see that life will become any better now I've lost my best friend, lover and husband.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. I am so angry that God took away a very good man who happened to be my best friend, liver and husband of 30 years. I might have another 30 years ahead of me and I'm just waiting to die so that I can be with him again. I've lost my faith as I prayed so hard.... Trishka

I write this to you Rich. You left me and the kids on September 7th 2013 without saying good bye. Im sorry for every time i was impatient, rude, or just mean to you. I will never hear you call me punkin again. Why? I walk around barely here. I dont want to die but living seems to hard right now. I love you more.

i lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate on June 3rd,2013, he was my best friend and my best soul mate ever what do i do?

I lost my fiance of 7 yrs and love of my life to a massive heart attack on 8/17. I found him when I got home from working overtime on a Sat. I have never been so traumatized and I keep going back to the question, "could I have saved him if I'd been home or arrived home earlier?" The autopsy revealed that "no" I couldn't have, but it haunts me everyday. Everything reminds me if him. I feel empty inside. I miss him so much. I feel as if I'll never be happy again. He was my 2nd chance at love and he loved me unconditionally. Everyday is a challenge to get through...

My husband died on 8/13/13. He died on a mountain in New Mexico on a boyscout camping trip with my 13 year old son. My heart is broken and I am lost without him.

Can someone explain me. After the love of your life has died its know been eight months how do u go on without feeling so numb

Sorry to hear about your hubby. It beeb 6months since my hubby diefd. I feel same way. Angry w god for taking the love of my life from me. Not sure how to go on with him

My husband died July 27, 2013. I miss him so much I don't think I can go on. I put on a brave face when my grown children are around. I don't want them to worry. But alone at my house I simply fall apart. I keep thinking he'll be home soon. I can't believe I'll never see him again.

I cant believe i will never see him again.

My husband died 13 months ago, August 2014, and what you have said is the thing that is slowly killing me, 'I will never see him again', that is what is so final, never to see him, hear his voice or see him smile at me again. I can't stop looking at photographs of us when he was 18 years old in 1964, tall, handsome and the love of my life. We were never apart and when he died, I died.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I completely sympathize with you. I lost my husband of 35 years of marriage and 40 years of being together on Sept. 1, 2014. I agree with you totally. I am dying inside every day with the thoughts that I will never see him again or hear his voice. I have a shrine of him at our home. There are photos everywhere. I play videos of him dancing at a family gathering a month before he died and another video of him dancing 2 weeks before he die. They bring some comfort, but in the end there is complete silence and the realization that these are just memories and I will not get to bask in that love until I cross over and be with him. I have suffered some health issues since he passed. I was in great health before he passed, but in the year since, I have aged greatly. I was his darling love and acted much younger than my years. He always said I looked the same as when he met me. I have had to go to emergency twice with high blood pressure problems. I think it is mostly stress and feeling like I am not quite alive since he died. Wow, is all I can say. Death is so profound. I lost one of my brothers, who was a 1 year older than me 9 months before my husband, and lost another baby brother, 7 years younger 6 weeks before my husband. I was left with paralyzing grief. I was just stunned when my husband died in a 2 week period. I could not take it. I then realized he had been by my side, when my Mother and Father and another older brother had died ten years before along with many close cousins, Aunts, Uncles and nephews. Now he was not here to be by my side when he passed. It has been unbearable.
I am trying to gain strength each day. I try not to cry everyday now after a year. We have a high functioning Autistic Son and it disturbs him so much to see me cry. I try to not cry as much as I would like. I do have a loving family and friends that are so supportive and don't try and rush me through this grieving process. I love forever my intelligent, handsome, caring, loving and dear husband, Elmer. I physically miss our intimate moments and his loving caress so much. I don't think I will marry again. He was my everything and I can't imagine sharing myself with anyone else.

I feel the same, my husband died Aug 6th,2013 of a cardiac arrest and i can't seem to go back to our home and live by myself, I hate being with our my love of my life , we did everthing together, to try to stay strong so people at work and home or church don't think your just a big cry baby...................... they just don't understand. my heart goes out to you. nmwidow

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I lost my husband on 12/21/12, the day after our 20th anniversary. He had Hep C and died of liver failure. I'm sorry, I'm having a very bad day today. If it wasn't for my son I just want to die so I could be with him. I keep very busy with friends and hobbies, and I have some very good days, but ultimately it's just some fun times being strung together but I'm not happy. Oh God please help me. I'm very sorry for everyone on here who is suffering. I'll keep you in my prayers.....dara


Its not easy. Go to work like everthings ok. Then i cry all way home. Hoping my love will b there waiting for me but when i get home h
Es not there. Very lonely sad

I lost my brother to Hepatitis C on 12/02/98. Although it wasn\'t my spouse, the loss hit me just as tremendously. Here I am almost 15 years later and I can honestly tell you and all the other people who shared their stories that it takes years, not months, to begin to accept the loss and to find some semblance of happiness in life again. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

my husband also died of liver failure. It was terrible watching it and being unable to do anything to save him. Looks like a lot of people are also suffering just like me. There will be good days and not good days I guess and I suspect that will continue forever. Its hard to imagine being able to heal and go on or be happy but I try to remember my husband would want me to do my best so that is what I do. Its a struggle every day. I will say a prayer every night now for all of us.

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my husband died suddenly on July 7, 2013 of a massive heart attack he was only 49 years old.and no symptoms or warning sings I can not bear life with out him .I was 16 years old when we meet iam 45 how we have one son togather he is 28 years old.and we have one grandson that is only 2 years old .he told me that he missed grandpa.and I don,t no what too say two him .IAM so lost with out my husband it hurts so much I just wish I was with him . all I do is cry all the time they said god only takes the best .and he took AGOOD MAN WAY TWO SOON from me . I love you EDWARD.and miss you so much.robin


God gave him to me 20yrs ago and then tore us apart. What did do to deserve to b without my hubby.we had such a wonderful life wr cherish each ither. I want to b with him miss my love so much i will never b same

I lost my husband December 13, 2012. I went to wake him up and he was not responding to me shaking him, so i tried to open his eye, and said hello wake up, and the empty look in his eyes, looking back at me.i knew at that moment, he was gone only then did i realize he was cold and pale, he also slept with his, cpap machine for sleep apnea,i ripped the mask off his face and his lips were blue .that was the most horrific thing i ever went through.I'm 42 and my husband was 44 we have been together since i was 17 and he was 19.i have never loved, untill he came along.we have four children and seven grandchildren.i cry everyday and since he died, I'm emotionally paralyzed.all i want to do is sleep,im like a Prisoner trapped in my house, when i go in public,i start to feel sick, my family and friends say its that anxiety and depression.but this didn't happen to me untill six months after he died.they told me for six months i was in shock because i didn't cry,i just went on doing everything i was supposed to do, then one day everything looked strange my family, the outside world, i don't know what is going on, but i wish i could be myself again for the sake of my sanity and my family.thanks everyone for letting me vent.

Ifeel your pain. I dont want to do anything just stay in bed and hope to wake up from this nightmare but i cant. My dr and friends tell me its depression and i need consulor. I say loss your hubby then u can tell me how to act.u can vent anytime at least we have each other.

I told my boss that i will nevet b same. My heart broken onto trillion pieces. But without my bosses i would not b able to try and get threw the day. I love themas friends without there support and love never b able to survive. The gm stayed w me my my side i trust him w my life it is hard to find boss with loving and caring that he gave me. Agm always there for me day and nite anytime anyplace.

My heart goes out to you. My husband had leukemia and went into remission twice. the last 6 months were verypainful.. I hid my crying and feeling like someone just stuck a knife in my heart. We were together for 17 years we had no children but had 2 dogs that we accepted as our kids. My husband died 5 months ago and I still expect him to walk in the door any minute. I am having a very difficult time accepting that I will never see him again. I am also very angry with god that he faught for 2 years and forit to end like it did.... I am also alone and not sure how to go on with life he was my life. Then 4 wks later our dog had to be put to sleep she was 16 half years old. it was horrible


I just lost my boyfriend and I also want to die and be with him. I just bought the grave plot just below where he is at. I never knew pain so deeply.


My husband was hit by a young driver while at work. He was crossing a 4 lane street on the crosswalk with 3 coworkers. He was a manager for a road striping company and shouldn't have been on the road ,just supervising but that was the kind of worker he was. He saw the car coming and yelled to his coworkers and pushed them out the way. He was the only one hit. They airlifted him to the hospital unconscious. He stayed that way for 10 days before the Dr's determined he was brain dead and took him off all the machines. He passed away on December 28, 2011, less than 2 months from his 40th birthday. We celebrated Christmas in that hospital. We had so many family members and friends there praying that I was certain God would hear us and pull him through it. I feel the situation brought as all together to help US get through it. God has a reason for everything, even if we never know why. Its been over a year and as much as I wanted life to stop until I was ready... it doesn't. Our 2 sons who are now 11 and 8 are adjusting well and I thank God for that. I pray that one day real soon my heart will not feel so empty. I miss him so much! I can't believe I'm a widow. I'm 38 and some have told me that I can still remarry. I feel so hurt when I hear this. My husband was not a pair of socks that could be replaced! He was an awesome man, loved by all. A wonderful father and husband. I'm thankful for the time I had with him. God bless you all.


I have not lost a spouse but I lost my only brother at 47 years of age. It was the first death of an immediate family member that I ever experienced, it was sudden, terrible and unexpected. I thought I would break in pieces on the floor. I felt like I would never smile again and never be able to enjoy music or sing again. I want to share this because I too wished I was dead so I could be with my brother, who I never ever imagined living life without. To the ladies and gentlemen who shared their hearts here with their stories, I just want to share with you that it took me a good 3 years before I even started to feel like my heart was starting to heal. Give yourselves time. Suicide and/or death is not the answer. Time will heal your broken hearts, I promise. It's been 14 years since my brother died and I still think about him every day but life has gone on. It will never be the same but there is happiness to come. I promise.


<p>My husband died April 4,2012.. Not only was that the worst day of my life but it's my birthday. I was 14 and he was 16 when we started dating 18 years ago. We have 2 beautiful children together, a 9 year old son and an 11 year old daughter.. And I couldn't ask for 2 better kids, and it breaks my heart everyday to look into their little eyes and think of the pain and hurt they have suffered this past year... I dont know how to live without him. Im doing the best I can to keep things together for our kids, but it's all I can do not to break down on a daily basis. When will it get better, will I ever feel normal again?? Thank you for your post. I dont have anyone to talk to about this that understands what im going through.. This April will be a year I've had to live without the love of my life and my kids have had to live without their daddy. What do I do?? And will the lumps in my chest and throat ever go away when I talk about him?? I cant help but break down when someone mentions his name. If someone can help me cope with this in anyway, he was only 34 years old when he died.. Why did he have to leave us?? And how will I ever make it through this and hold it together for my children?? Its really sad sometimes because I find myself crying and my babies are comforting me, its my job to comfort them and make them feel better. Where do i go from here?? Does this make me a bad mommy?? What do i do now.</p>


I lost my husband in jan 2013 with 2 small children and one teenager. I have blamed god a thousand times over . My husband was only 36 and a good father , husband , brother and son and much more. So I don't understand why god wanted him so much that he had to leave his babies , I understand people die , but I don't understand why he was taken at such a young age.

I do not understand either, why bad things happen to very good people. My husband was the love of my life. I wish someone would explain it to me. I am very sad and alone I cry every day sometimes 3 times a day. I have asked god to take me and not my husband....

it is not easy but we have people to help us cope withdeath


My husband also died very suddenly of a massive heart attack on Jan 14, 2013. I'm 47, he was 54. We have 3 teen age children. I just miss him so much. Even though I'm around so many people I feel lonely. We spent all of our time together and I'm lost without him. I don't want to die too but I don't know how to live without him either.


My hubby died feb 28 13. I am so alone and sad we were each others best friend did everything together.dont know either how to live without him.

My husband also died at the age of 45 ,recently very recently on 29 th dec 2012. I am 38 years old .He used to worshi the god every day . He used to do sandhyavandanam two times a day .,Abhishekas to MAHAMERU, SIVALINGAM every day . Why the GOD has taken him away from me If god is happy with his offers , my husband should not die so early . I have two children also they are 12 years , and 4 years old . If God is there , our family should not be put in such trouble . So i dont believe god from now onwards.I too want to die as early as possible . But what happens to my children?

I lost my husband on 12/11/12, the worst day of my life ever. He was a 50 year old doctor, he did ask for help, he just died, what the he'll am I supposed to do from now onwards, I hope there is no God, if there is one then that means, god is very cruel and sadistic. I am a Hindu and I did not get any comfort from religion, people gossip and talk ill about others in places of worship. I am so disappointed with my husbands so called friends, nobody has even bothered to enquire if we at the very least have food to eat. I am not even 50, I don't know how long I have in this world. Life is just so painful, my husbands partners are trying their best to cheat. He was an extremely generous human being, taking care of people for free. Maybe if he had been like his partners he would still be here.

I lost my husband 5 years ago my life ended the day my husband died even though l have three lovely children my husband was my life so I die new death everyday so I don't know how long I can keep going

I feel the same way, I go to bed and talk to my husband and say please please hold me so tight and help me go to sleep I am so veryvery tried not sure how much I can go on

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and about three years after high school we broke up and met other people and getting married. We saw each other again at our 20 year reunion, we did not talk, I felt bad the next day and called his sister asking her to him him contact me if he wanted to. A few days passed and then a call. I played the game, oh let me see when I am available, etc. Our first "second" date was on August 11, 2000. He was still living with him, during their divorce proceedings and i had been divorced for 8 years. He had a son and so did I, 11 months apart from each other. We all got along and then the conversation of marriage came up. i was not ready, didn't want to change things, I had my wall up and didn't want to disrupt my son's life - after all it wasn't his fault that his dad and I divorced. I always put my son first. This caused a problem over the years, 9 years to be exact, a few bumps in the road, another woman, well a young woman, 20 years younger, came into his life. He told me that nothing ever happened, I built my wall up again - lots of nights crying and wishing I could change things and go back in time. Well after all the rough times, our children now 18 and 19 - we got married. We decided on a Monday - got our license on Wednesday and were married on Friday, November 12, 2010. We did it all by ourselves just like we had wanted to. He planned a beautiful night at a hotel and we were finally in our happy place at the same time. We looked for a new home and on August 14, 2011 - he was killed on the job - 9 months and 2 days after we were married. I feel so cheated, i am angry, I hate the fact that we didnt get to live our lives together as we had planned. We were two weeks away from moving into our new home, we never actually lived together because we both had our own homes and didn't thinking moving everything twice was smart. I have so much regret that I can hardly breathe sometimes. I play our story over and over again in my head and can;t figure out WHY ME. Don't i deserve to be happy. The time that I spent with him - 11 years and 3 days - only 9 months and 2 days of being his wife were the best in my life and I can;t imagine finding anyone to ever take his place. I belong to a bereavement group and most of the people have started dating. i feel like my world is closing in on me. People say it gets better but I find it gets harder each day - spme days I can make it thought without being so sad and others are consumed by sadness and tears, I wish that I hadn't waited so long to figure that he was the one for me and that he was such a good man and always took care of me. I took down the wall only to feel as though I am lying under the bricks being crushed.

I find that each day not sure what will happen. I just had my wedding anniversary in june it was a very hard and difficult month for me. Cried so hard thought I was going to have a heart attack and go to the hospital.... Life can be so cruel.

I lost my husband on November 4, 2012. He was diagnosed with lung cancer just over a year ago and it had spread to the brain. The only respite in my grief is when I think about how peaceful he was at the end of his life. He had become almost childlike and was so full of love for everyone and everything. Not knowing what to expect, his fear was that his tumor would continue to grow and that he would suffocate. He was under Hospice care since June and spent his last nine days at their facility. In the month before he died, he lost the ability to express his thoughts verbally and was very confused. When he did have lucid moments, he constantly told me how much he loved me and that he knew how much I loved him. The day before he died, I kissed him and told him again how much I loved him and he gave me the biggest smile and then closed his eyes forever. Over the past year, he had made a video documentary of what he called his "cancer journey" beginning with his first day in the hospital. I've watched it several times just to hear his voice, but it is also torturous for me. Knowing that there was not going to be a happy ending, he still kept his humor throughout the nighmare he went through. I have so much anger towards the health care system for the difficulty he had in getting pain medicine which is why he decided initially to go into Hospice. I'm angry that I lost my best friend and the world is less one truly good-hearted and kind person yet so many evil people get to remain here on Earth. I pray each day for God to unite us again and to end my suffering. I struggle with what is my purpose here and what lessons I need to learn before I too can be at peace in God's arms. In the past year I lost my husband, my dad, my dog, my job and soon my home. While I have famiily and friends that I love, I fear losing the two remaining people in my life who are most important to me, my sister and my girlfriend. I panic at the thought of something happening to them but can't help my thoughts after all the loss I've experienced in such a short time. I'm so sick and tired of being told what a strong woman I am.

Thank you all for sharing your stories here and I'm sorry for your losses and pain.

my husband died in october2012,we were told just over a year ago that he had small cell lung cancer.He never wanted to know anything about the disease that he had he just wanted to fight it to the end the best way he could.I on the hand wanted to know every thing i could find out about it.It dint take melong to find out that my husband would only have a year to live with the treatment,has the cancer had already spread by the time it was diagnosed.i have such guilt, i feel that i should have tried to talk to him about how much time he had left.He was so brave and i miss him so much.I seem to have blocked out so much of the last year,it was just so traumatic.

People say tome so are you feeling any better.. I say tothem better you have no idea what I am going through ... so no I am not any better and my life will never be the same again... He taught me how to LOVE and be LOVE. He was so scared to go because he did not want to leave me, his final days he went into a coma and I never had the chance to say thanks for marrying me and you are my life and life will never be same again...

Following a week in the hospital, where they had 2 put him on oxygen, w thrombocytopenia side effects from treatment for lung cancer, I brought my husband home, Nov 18. Becuz of trip to Hopkins on Nov 21, & nurse told me set oxygen at "6" we didn't think we had enough portable tanks. Supplier would have brought them Nov 20, but my H didn't like waiting; I offered 2 get them. Nov 19, I told him I was worried about leaving him alone 2 go & get the extra tanks. He smiled; "I'll be okay." He wasn't. I missed a call from him, 3:17 PM, while signing for the tanks on the loading dock. I left, pulled over 2 call my son; saw missed call & returned it. No answer, but didn't think,"This is a distress call." Drove home. He was unconscious on the floor, oxygen tubes separated by 10 feet; the long tube about 2 feet from him. He had opened the sliding glass door. He suffocated which took a few minutes (not a few seconds, or quickly), terrified (I know) & died alone. This is what I live with. I am like many of you; don't want 2B here w/o him, ask God to take me, & ask my H to come & get me. I'm too tired 2 go 2 a grief class. H died Nov 19, barely 24 hours home from the hospital. I don't think discharge was done well; oxygen was prescribed at "4" but I didn't know that til I picked up extra, unneeded, tanks. Protocols were outside the box, and working; I believe he could have lived for several more years.

I tried two grief classes all it did was make me more sad. I am going to try counselor through insurance something has to help

My husband was killed in a horrific head on collision with a bus one week ago I can see no future we had no kids but thank god for our pitbull who licks my tears and sleeps by myside. I can hardly breath and bbarely want to

My chocolate lab does the same, since my husband died on dec 12 th he does not leave me alone. He even warns away my extended family when they come too close to me. But for the two dogs and my teenagers there was really no need for me to be alive.

Do not be mad at God... Your time will come when you reunite with your Husband. I lost my Husband last week to a massive heart attack, and found him in the shower... It is not fair, I know, and I truly miss my Husband, but I will not blame God for this...

I try not to be mad at god, but how can you be diagnose with leukemia which was so devasting and you do everything the dr ask you to do for 2 years go into remission and then the dr says you have 3 months my husband died in 7 days. How fair is that