Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Husband Died

My husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack on July 4th.  He was 55, and had no symptoms or warning signs.  I can't bear to live without him.  We've been together since I was 16 and I'm 46 now.  I've never lived on my own, and I don't know what it's like to be "single" - I've always been part of a couple.  I cry every day...I don't want to live without him.  We had a wonderful life together - never had any children by choice - we devoted ourselves completely to each other...and now I'm alone.  I feel as if I'm paralyzed or crippled...I just do what is necessary to get through each day.  I love God and I have a lot of faith, but that faith is being tested now, and I'm angry at God for taking him away from me.  I want to die so I can be with him.
jbonestone jbonestone 46-50 155 Responses Aug 23, 2010

Your Response


I Never believed i was ever going to be HIV Negative again,Dr Antogia has given me reasons to be happy,i was HIV positive for 2years and all the means i tried for treatment was not helpful to me,but when i came on the Internet i saw great testimony about antogiatraditionalhealer at yahoocom on how he was able to cure someone from HIV,this person said great things about this man, and advice we contact him for any Disease problem that Dr Antogia can be of help, well i decided to give him a try, he requested for my information which i sent to him, and he told me he was going to prepare for me a healing portion, which he wanted me to take for days, and after which i should go back to the hospital for check up, well after taking all the treatment sent to me by Dr Antogia, i went back to the Hospital for check up, and now i have been confirmed HIV Negative, friends you can reach Dr Antogia on any treatment for any Disease he is the one only i can show you all up to, reach him on

My partner died 14 years ago I was 21,I still miss him and cry for him everyday,and ask him to send me signs he's with me,I hurt so much,I have never saw his beautiful face in my dreams,never not once since he died,he was 31 he was nearly 11 years older,he died by suicide,so I get so angry with him,but we had argued that that day,and I told him I didn't want him anymore and kept saying it,even though I loved him with my whole being,he went away and a week later. After o searched everywhere and informed police they came to tell me they had found him dead in a hotel room,my picture was in his hand and I had a suicide letter,I remarried and had children,but I cant get over him,I tell him fail how much I love him,and to please come for me,I take a lot of medication due to the major depression I suffer,I just hope he waits for me and can see he was my soul mate and i loved him very dearly,my husband doesn't let me talk about him and calls him names,and says I killed him I need to live with it,but I cant,he used to call me his girl forever 😊 he's my whole life and I know if ed lived we would of had our own little family and been together forever xx

My husband died on November 4th 2015 it's two months in a couple days! I totally understand! I've been with him since I was 23 and he was 44! He was a doctor and I worked with him in the beginning and then stayed home to raise our children! I feel lost and there's so much to do! I will pray for you! I have to try to praise God in the bad times as well as the good!
But it's very difficult!
God bless you! Our 34 th anniversary would have been on November 17
I understand your feelings it's so difficult!

I can completely relate. My husband died two months ago in September 2015. We had been together for 17 years. He was also 55 and died of complications from a heart attack last June. He had extensive heart damage and congestive heart failure. He wore a life vest, but did not have it connected the night he died. His doctor told him he needed an implant, but he was afraid to go under the anesthetic. I found him lying on the living room floor when I woke up that morning. I miss him every single day. I am angry with him for ignoring his doctor's advice. Everyone in the family told him he needed the implant from his daughter, stepmother, me, his sister-in-law who is a nurse and CEO for a hospital, my parents and his sister. I love him like crazy, but feel like he cheated me out of my "forever." I understand he was afraid, but I feel like he was completely selfish in his decision. I too have gotten rid of most of his clothes and some of his cars. Somethings I can't touch like the sheet he was covered with when he went to bed. I can't see the light out of this forest. My mother says life will not always be like this, but I can't see it being any different right now.

Omg I'm crying as I write this because I totally understand!
My husband was a doctor and wouldn't listen to his doctors! He was so stubborn!
Our youngest daughter is 18! He felt like he was invinsable!
It not only try area me up because I miss him it hurts me for our children especially my 18 year old because we are the ones that had go call the paramedics and he was gone before they could even intubate him although we had three days to say goodbye the only thing keeping him alive was by artificial means. Anyway I'll pray for you too cause it's amazing how similar the stories overhead and as I lay here in bed by myself I talk to him although he's gone.
God bless you!

Add a response...

I am so sorry for your loss. That sounds trite by a lot of people (though well meaning) and an automatic response but for people like me (and there are thousands!) we really do know how you feel. Please don't think that you wish you could die. Grieve all you need and don't let anyone pressure you to "get over it". I am here if you need to talk. Big hugs heading your way xx

I lost my husband on September 10, 2014, and I will never get over his loss. Ever since he died, I've wanted to die, too. I have some bright moments in my life, but really, I can't see the point of continuing to live. I'm fortunate to have my husband's family, a job I love, my dogs, and my friends, but it's just not enough. Without my husband my life seems pointless. He was 68 when he died, and I was 57 - just a little over 10 years difference in our ages. He died of lung cancer. He smoked until he was 50 and then quit but died anyway when he was 68. I just can't bear it anymore. I wish I could die.

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry for you. My soul-mate, my husband, died on the 30th August, 2014, he was also 68 years old and we had been together from him being 18, fifty years and never, ever apart. I ache inside with the pain of it, cry all the time, watch a DVD of our wedding, which was taken from a cine reel, and wish I was with him. We have two wonderful sons and three fantastic grandchildren, but all I want is my darling husband, nothing matters anymore. I cannot find anything to be happy about or look forward to. He was ill for ten years and I became his carer for the last three years of his life so the house became neglected. After he died , to make me think about something else, I started modernising our home, picking our favourite colours, I kept his bookcase and books, they are in the room, I kept all his records and CD's, they are in the room cupboard, he was a 60's American music fanatic. All his clothes are still in his wardrobe and I find no need to get rid of them, I have his ashes that are waiting for me to die so we can be scattered together. If anyone came to the house and looked around they would think that my husband was still with me. I try and keep busy because if I stop for a second I break down and cry. Since he died 13 months ago, my auntie, uncle and brother-in-law have died, I am now the only one left from my 'old' life, no-one to discuss the 60's with, no-one to remember the day I met my husband, I am alone with my memories and it is absolutely killing me. If someone can tell me how to go on without him it would be appreciated, but at the moment I don't care if I live or die, I would never do anything stupid as it would hurt my children, but if I became ill I would not seek treatment as living years without him is unthinkable. My life came to an end the day he died.

I could have written those last lines! I have told all family (his family as I only have a brother who is not nearby) that in the event of illness, I want absolutely no treatment whatsoever to prolong my life. The thought of living years without him is unbearable. I did get rid of most of his clothes and some other things, but I have a downstairs room full and a shed full of tools and other things that I will never use. Yes, keeping busy is the best thing to do. I volunteer at the local animal shelter, but still I'm sitting here this afternoon thinking of the chores I should do and I'm even going to meet friends later, but with him not here, I feel so much pain. I wish you comfort and peace.

Thank you for your reply. I started a journal the day my husband died and I write down all my thoughts and exactly how I am feeling. I cannot talk to my sons as I cry all the time and I don't want them worrying about me. They are also upset but have their lives to keep them busy and their own families to look after, they don't need me getting upset each time I see them so I put on a brave face. I thought the journal, when I die, may let them see exactly what I was going through 13 months after their dad died and I want them to see that their mum loved their dad so very much. I will keep on with the journal and perhaps in a couple of years time I may write some happy thoughts in it, but at the moment, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband was also a smoker and stopped when he was 60 but too late. I am 73 year old, I was three years older than my husband. I thank god I am this age because if I was younger I could not bear to live many years without him. I have a massive German Shepherd dog who was my husbands best friend and I just want to wait until he dies, then I want my husband to come for me. I could not bear it if I died before my pet as no-one in the family will take him as he is so large and he would not survive with strangers. So I will carry on as I am now, watching our wedding DVD, looking at our photographs and playing 60's music as my husband always had 60's American music playing all the time. My god I miss him so much, my whole body aches for him.

I have the same thoughts! I have two black Labs, and they sleep with me, and I love them dearly. Maggie is almost nine, and we got her as a puppy. Holly is a rescue that we got two years ago, so she only knew her "dad" for a year. I don't want them to die before I do because I'm afraid of what will happen to them, but I'm also scared that they will die before me and it will too painful. I've even asked God to let Holly and me die together with her in my arms. Maybe that sounds silly, but I believe you can understand how I feel. I envy you being 73. I am only 58, and I'm scared of living 20 or 30 years more. Even 10 years seems unbearable. Every day that goes by separates me further and further from my beloved husband in time. On the first anniversary of his death, I was completely distraught thinking that a year had gone by and I was still here. But I tell God that it's okay if I'm here to take care of Maggie and Holly!

I too am so glad I am 73 years old. I know exactly what you mean. If I was told I would have to live many years without my beloved husband I think I would go insane. Like I have said, I have fantastic sons and grandchildren but they do not fill the ache I have inside me. My brother-in-law was 46 when my sister died, my mother was 55 when my dad died, my mother in law was 47 when my father in law died, how on earth they went on to live another 20/30 years on their own, god only knows. Now it is only me from my 'old' family and it is slowly grinding me into the ground with the hurt of it all. I found a song on You Tube, called, ' IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER' by Eileen Reid. It is wonderful. You must listen to it. I took all our pictures from the day we met, got married, had our family, until the day my husband died, and put them on Windows Moviemaker, and added this song for the soundtrack. It is absolutely wonderful. I added it to itunes and it is on my iphone and goes everywhere with me. Luckily I am computer literate so I can do things like that. I just want to stay until my pet dies (which like you say, will totally send me over the edge) then I want my husband to come for me. I am thinking of you but there is nothing I can say that will help any of us, we have lost the one person we loved and spent all our lives with and it hurts so much.xxxxx

I journal also! I write to him every day a letter and tell him how I'm feeling!
God bless you!
I have to go on because our kids already went through loosing their dad so I've decided that I have to keep going and take care of myself for them!
I know the feeling of wishing you would die but if you have Jesus in your heart you will be with him again some day!
So just lean on God! He loves you and will comfort you!
It doesn't mean that it's easy but I know I will be with him when it's my appointed day!
I will pray for you!
God bless you!
I understand!

We had 21 years difference I. Our age!
But was married for 34 years.
God bless you

I hope everyone is okay and getting through each day the best they can. I was busy over Xmas with my family, I went to their homes as I could not bear to be in my own home without my husband. For over 45 years I made our front room like a fairly land both for our sons when they were children, then our grandchildren, but now, I just cannot bear to put up a tree never mind hang the Xmas cards. They came to me for a few days in the New Year and we all stayed up to watch the New Year in, I sobbed myself to sleep as it was the second New Year that my husband was not with me to drink a glass of wine, give me a kiss and say Happy New Year. I honestly don't know when this heartache will end, I just don't think I can go on another few years without him. I want to ensure I am here for when My pet dies then I do not give a damn what happens to me. Can I ask you lovely people on here if they are doing the same as I am. I met my husband in August 1964, when he was 18, it was love at first sight and we were never, ever apart unless we were working, having babies or in hospital. I find myself looking at our photos of when we were young, before we had the children. Watching our wedding video as well. It is as if I want to have a time machine to take me back to 1964 and do it all again. All I think of is how tall and good looking he was in his dark suit, white shirt and dark tie, just like the pop stars of the 1960's. I can still look at his photograph now and get butterflies in my stomach, that is how much I loved him, I am 73 years old and still get that feeling of excitement when I look at his photograph of when he was my 18 year old boyfriend soon to be husband. I am slowly being ground down by my grief.

5 More Responses

Me too my husband died 7/8/15 and I felt the exactly the same's been 3monts 18days

I lost my husband 2 months ago. I loved him like no other. I think he loved me too. I can't see how to go on. no warning, no long goodbye-just a call from his work to tell me to go to the hospital, where he was
doa and I got no bedside manner, I am now trying to maintain our house on one income and I am alone every night. I'm not sure how to deal.

I am 46 he was 42-my aunt told me I am stuck in the middle and have to give up on a future or marry again for money-because at my age-nobody wants me.

That is a terrible thing to say to you. You are very young indeed and I am absolutely heartbroken for you. In a way it is much harder for you young women when you lose your beloved husband or partner as you have not lived your lives together to the full. At least I had 50 years with my husband, he saw our sons married and give us grandchildren and that is something I am so very grateful for. All I can say to you is to get as far away from people like your aunt who is running you down, you need help and sympathy to help you not make it worse. I am thinking of you.

My darling boy died 2 months ago. He was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health and died an hour later. I ran down to the store for 15 mins and when I returned he was already gone. I screamed "you cant leave me". He was 68. We were both 15 when we met and married at 19. It was a love affair from the beginning to the end. We travelled the world and had an amazing romantic life for 50 years.
We also have 2 wonderful daughters and 2 amazing grandsons, kind smart and handsome.
Yet I feel so lost w/o him. I put on a good face but cry Every night. I read your stories and we all have a common thread. We married wonderful men, had a wonderful life. We are the lucky ones. It is so hard to say goodbye because they were special and we felt special because they chose us. Every day I remind myself that I had a great guy who thought I was "the bomb" for 53 years. He was my darling boy and I will never forget him. I was "Bobbys Girl" (a song from he 60s) for 53 years and what a thankful girl I am.

Dear Children of God, call any time. I have ears to hear and eyes to see. Gene 479-652-0887 (USA only)

I just lost my wonderful husband Charlie July 11, 2015. I feel everything u describe. We were married 43 years. Unbearable.

You will always long for him and the life you made together but somehow you will move forward. It wasn't God who took him, it was an act of Satan. Remember that you will see him again and it will be awesome- you will have all of eternity together and that's a wonderful thought! Know that he is with you in your day to day life and he is watching over you like he always did in life.

My beloved husband of 31+years died on 9/10/14 at 68 years old after a short illness, and I wanted to die with him. I have not changed my mind about this since then. Not a day passes that I have not prayed to die. Everyone expects me to get better, but even though I function okay, going to work and getting through each day, I still want to die. We were so happy together and life without him seems pointless. I am only 58 years old and the thought of living another 30 years without him horrifies me.

My husband died just 1 week ago today. We were married for 22 years. I can't bear this pain. I can't bear that he is not with me. I don't want to be here. There is no reason for me to be here. The children have grown and moved on. My joy is gone. I have no desire to live. I don't want to hear that time heals! I don't give a F*)^* about that. Heals what?? My missing him, my not wanting to be here? NEVER. I nursed him at home on my own for 4 weeks of palliative care and he told me he wanted to live. He did not want to spend his last days in hospital. I wanted him home too. He said he would miss me. Now those words are all I hear. They go round and around in my head constantly. I am a believer and I don't hate God or blame him but I can tell you my faith is now almost zero. I can think of nothing else but the need to be with my husband. If I were not a believer I would have take my own life by now. I am here only because I have to be. I speak to my husband all the time and I ask him what he wants me to do. Ive asked him to ask Jesus to please take me too. I have never known such anguish. I am contemplation not eating ever again. What's the point.

I will pray for you!
My heart breaks for my husband too!
I won't give you any clichés
Just know that I care!

This is exactly where I am.. trapped in the belly of hell. Promised my husband I would go on even though I didn't want to. And knowing that if I did anything God would not let me see my husband again. It would be so easy. I'm 53. I don't want anymore of any of this..

I lost my fiancé 1 week ago tonight to a brain aneurysm In 1 hour he was gone. We were to be married 4/18. He was 42 We were mirrors for each other. He healed my heart. I still feel him and hear him. I struggle to let anyone touch me and my arms are cold.

Hi I don't know if anyone will read this. My husband died suddenly on the 16th February 2015, he was 25 and healthy as can be, he was clipped by a truck as he rode his bicycle along a main road and I am 24.. We'd been married for 3years . No kids, no house but big plans for the future. I too am a follower of Christ and am left asking why, but still I have the peace that God/Jehovah/IAm is in control.
I'm sorry for those who have lost their loves, their lives and what they thought was their only reason to live. And I pray you have the strength needed to carry on.
Respectfully and in love

Hi, I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you are going through. My fiancé passed away April 20, 2015 from cirrhosis - liver failure. He and I met in 2008 as friends first then we lived together in 2013. It's been very hard letting him go...and my faith in God is strong but I still struggle everyday with his death. Please pray for me and his family...his mother 2 brothers and especially his 12 yo son. I will be praying for you too! :-)

God !!! My arse !!

I Understand, my husband passed on January 15th of this year we have a son he is so worried about me, his wife and my grandkids are great and all have tried to help me through this but it doesn't seem enough, my husband died in his sleep, I can bearly cope with this , he was 65 and I am 60 we got married right after I turned 18, I am a believer in Jesus and I know he is there for me, I get mad because he left me and at the next minute I thank God he passed peacefully

Can I just say, I was relieved to hear you husband passed in his sleep. Try and take some small consolation from that. I have just added my own post in here. My husband died one week ago today and he died in agony and suffering. I will never forget it. If he HAD to die, then I wish he could have gone peacefully too.

I know how you feel. My fiancé passed away May 2,2014. We were to be marrid on June 8,2014. He was my best friend and my soulmate. We were together for 5 years and we finally decided to do the whole marriage thing. I am heart broken and I cry all the time. He was my everything. Everything we did we dos for each other. We didn't have any kids together not by choice we tried for 4 years and I couldn't get pregnant. He has two kids from a previous relationship. I had to be the one to tell his family and his two kids that he is no longer with us. He passed away due to an accident at work. Every day I wish I could just die already so I can be with him too. But I know he would be upset with me if I thought like that. I was told to take it one day at a time and you will get through it. All my friends walked away after he passed I left here sad, lonely and broken hearted. I have faith in God too but I am upset with God for taking my one true love. I Dont like the single life at all. I want my fiancé back with me but know it won't happen. I just want to know he is waiting for me and still loves me. I went from planning my wedding to planning his viewing/cremation. I will forever be heart broken and will never move on from this. I'm 28 years old and I have never felt pain like this before.

Hey Cassie I know what u r going through I just lost my beloved husband on the 08 of April.. He was on his way home from work...i feel so lost n I'm suicidal... I don't hv any life without I feel ur pain ...we got married last year December

Just wondering how you were doing I Lost my fiancé 4months ago im only 28 also Im so confused and lost we had planned a life together

I Lost my love on May3rd 2014 from a heart attack, we were together 19 yrs and would have been married 17 yrs on August 1st .We have one son together he is 16 .I miss him everyday is so hard to be the one left behind .I haven't felt my husbands presence at all since his passing . I had one dream of him in an airport coming to see me and telling me he had to go not much time then it was gone . I had just left on trip to Europe to see my nephew & his family I arrived called home and our son answered to tell me his father was taken away in an ambulance he was 15 scared and alone .I was 4000miles away .my older son took him to the hospital where my husband was and found out he needed surgery , it went fine then he passed away in recovery . I came home a few days. later as soon as I could. I have felt guilty for not being with him . he was the love of my life we were together everyday we even worked together, he was only 55 im now a widow at 48 .life will never be happy again .

Lost the love of my life on Jan. 01, 2015 "New Years Day" after 26years together 16 of marriage. She was healthy and died so unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. But they never knew why.
Being her heart stop, her brain suffered from a lack of oxygen. So she was declared brain dead. I'm so angry, scared and sad. Have been talking to people about my pain. But all the words and sympathy are so empty and meaningless. It's not going to bring my wife back. I don't believe in hope, faith and God anymore. I prayed to God in the hospital everyday to save her life and if needed to take me instead. But he abandoned me, now I know for sure God does not exist. And God is rubbish too. I just wish I could find someone to talk to... someone who can understand what we're going through. Someone who had the same type of lost that we had.
I'm just want to count the days until I die. Every day passes by so agonisingly slowly. My kids keep me alive and I know one day that I'll have to move on ...that's what she would want me to do. ! I am only 46 and I love you so much Nicole Why did they take you from us.
Love you forever Henry, Devynn and Dillon

It is so easy to blame God, but he did not take your wife. God understands all of our sorrows. Even Jesus wept at the loss of his friend Lazarus. I do not blame God for the loss of my husband. I do ask "Why?" Turn to God and ask Jesus into your heart. He will bring you peace in this troubled time. I heard someone say not to move on, but to move forward. I like that, because moving on sounds like you are forgetting when you will never forget. If your wife was saved she is in Heaven now and would not want you to be angry at God. She is in peace now and would want you and the children to somehow find happiness.

I am the daughter of my loving parents. My father has advanced cancer and is dying. I hate seeing my mom in such pain shes aged so much. Please remember that God will allow you to be with your loved ones when its time. Get some friends and spend time with them for support and spend time with family most important go to church spend time with God.
it breaks my heart to see you all sad. I dont think your husbands would like to see you give up on life. My Dad has 3 yrs of cancer hes dying before our eyes he has been going to church
please pray my mother prospers like i know you all lovely ladies will.
In Jesus name your friend me.

I too, just lost my husband august 9, 2014 of a massive sudden heart attack 58 years. Married 15 years. We were at a jazz concert with friends. My heart is so heavy. I miss him tremendously. He was such a really great person He touched the world with his kindness. There is such a hole in my heart. I too, just want to go with him... i just want to run away from this pain, the hardest thing I ever felt. I believe, as time moves, so will I, I just miss my husband so much.
I know, that loving someone is the greatest gift, I just thought we had until our 90's.....

My husband went into OGH in Jan.2014 and he died Feb.2014 every day since Jan.2014 I have been crying, My eyes hurt so much I have lost my eyelashes my mind,heart and soul hurts so much. All I want to do is dig a hole and bury myself in it. I just can not get over the lose of my dear partner, best-friend and husband. He was only 54 and were were married and together for 22 years. I am a very firm believer in God, Jesus and the after life. I see is soul/spirit every day, I know he is with me. He even moves and start things to let me know that he is still by my side. I just want to join him now, I don't want to wait. No I am not suicidal. , I would never do that to myself. I pray for release of this body for my soul can reunite with my true self.

My husband died in June 2014. He had CMML and it turned into Acute Leukemia very fast. He was only diagnosed in October 2013. I have grown male children who live far away. I have no family close by. I am very lonely in the house by myself and don't know what to do. Has anyone gone to Bereavement Classes? I may try it. My husband was only 71 and I thouht we would have many more years together. I am Heart sick.

My heart is so broken. I lost my husband May 28, 2014. We found each other in 2007 after failed marriages. We were exactly what each other wanted and needed. Larry was my best friend, my confidant, my lover and my partner. We both knew how lucky we were to have found each other. Our children were grown and we spent every moment together except while we worked. We lived life to the fullest and made the most of our lives together. Last March he was diagnosed with MDS and we started the beginning of the end. I spent every minute with him and was the best care giver I could be. I held his hand and sang to him as the angels took him to heaven. My heart hurts so much. I have faith that God will get me through this and I would never ask him back in the shape he was in, that would be selfish. Our anniversary is August 22. Last year we spent it in the hospital. This year I will spend it alone. I love and miss you so much Larry.

I miss my husband too. Unfortunately, I only had him for a short time, we had been married for little over a year and a half. I was there when he left this earth. He waited for me to get home and hung on for as long as he could until I told him it was ok and he can go. His breathing got labored for a few seconds, I told him again louder it was ok to go, then nothing. His breathing stopped and he was gone. that moment is burned into my memory. Sometimes, I feel like I was punished for the things I had done in the past. April 14, 2014 I stopped wearing my ring, I took it off the first anniversary of his passing. I still have the comforter he had before we were even together on my bed. I try to sleep in the middle of the bed but always wake up on my side. I have forgiven God for taking him as watching him suffer everyday was torcher. I am not afraid to die as I know he will come for me when its my time. The hard part is getting up and existing in the land of the living. I try again and again to rejoin but something always brings me back.

Hi there I've just been reading your story I too have just lost my husband suddenly on 2 September 2014 the cause of death is still unknown he had major heart surgery last year and got thro it docs were pleased with his progress we married in April 26 2014 and had the best day ever . Only for him to be taken suddenly since he died I've been beside myself with grief we were only together for nearly 2 years but I had found my soul mate I feel he took apart of me when he died and still can't understand why he's gone I don't know what to do with myself I come on this site as I feel now one understands and hoped talking to others with similar experience may help natasha

I too too feel the same and just want to be with him now

I too feel the same and want to be with him now and hope my time comes soon I have 2 girls and he has 2 children they should be enough for me to carry on but I can't do life without him

I know how you feel. My fiancé and I were together for 5 years. He passed away May 2,2014 a month before our wedding June 8,2914 we were to be married. We didn't even make it to our wedding day. We loved each other so much. He passed away due to an accident at work that caused him to have a heart attack. I can't get the day out of my head. It replays and replays. I had to be the one to tell his family and his two kids from a previous relationship that he was gone. I went from planning our wedding to planning his viewing/cremation. I don't know how to go on without him.I have my wedding dress in my closet and all I do is cry. He was my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend and my one true love. So I know exactly how you feel

1 More Response

don 't die that is not what he wanted if he loved you, my Husband was sick but we thought we had it beat, not so he left me after being in intensive care for over 16 days, we live out of town drive an old beater but somehow made it to him, held him all night after all life support disconnected brain had shifted so nothing left but still held him loved him 25 years not enough but don't be angry at God be glad for time you had live now for both of you We have a dog and a cat no money but somehow i will keep us together love is a bond that death cannot sever love and remembrance last forever, I scream, I cry, I want my Husband, best friend, lover back but will go on as I know he would want me to, try, try and try harder love him forever but love yourself as you know he did

Your post made me so angry you got to have a life with him you were able to grow old together my husband was killed 6 yrs ago on aug 26th I was not by his side I didn't get to say good by I wasn't able to hold his hand I wasn't able to comfort him all I got was a nock on the door and a box delivered off a plane be thankful for what you got with your husband some didn't get that at all

55 for my Husband was not old, grateful I am, hurt, lonely, lost scared, heartbroken I am, my Husband was in a coma so how much comfort he received will never know, so sorry for your loss, and yes was bittersweet to be with him but begged for over 12 hours for him to not leave me. held his hand rubbed his arm and wondered how anything could ever be so cruel. the unfairness of not being able to say good-bye must be unbearable, no words can ever be of any comfort to you. but please do not be angry at anyone.

I too lost my husband recently. He was 56. We had been married 30 years and have no children. I don't know how to live life without him. I am in bits..... Every day, every corner, every room, every drive into town, every restaurant ....memory after memory comes flooding back. I feel so lost.... I know how you feel.
Trishka. I

Hi, I recently lost my husband one month ago. He was also 56. We also don't have children. I miss him, so , so much it is just indescribable the pain and sadness that I feel right now. I know exactly what you mean, I drive by restaurants we went to, places we shopped at, we were together all of the time, I think that happens when you don't have kids. Just driving alone in the car from place to place and that horrible silences when you come in to the house. I am just wondering if it ever gets better, I just keep thinking what he would do if I had gone first - which I wish I had. It is so, so sad.

My husband died on April 27, 2014 and I've been feeling very lonely ever since. I believe that my pain will never goes away. It will be like a deep scar for the rest of my life. He also died suddenly of a massive heart attack and he died in my arms, although on the death certificate says he died at the hospital but I know that he was gone when he suffered the heart attack at Walmart on Flemington. I saw his eyes were still and when the paramedics arrived they tried everything, but my husband didn't respond at all, so they took him to the emergency room at Hunterdon Medical Center in Flemington, NJ. I've been missing him 24/7 and once in a while I get the flash back, but not the way he was last seen, but the way he used to be when he was younger. I remember when he was driving everywhere, answering the phones, going to solve problems, cutting grass, and all of sudden, I could see how he was deteriorating day by day till the day he died. He was around 80 when I married him and I was 41 years old at the time; today I am 57 years old and feeling as if I were a fish out of water without him. He was 95 years old, but I still thinking that he could be a little longer with me.

It is now May of 2014. I don't know if any of the original people still check out this site, but my husband died in January of 2011 after 9 years of cancer and over 20 years of soul ties... I don't know why it's hard to feel comfort about him! Probably because we always thought that after all the care-giving, I'd have a comforting dream or something if he went before me --but instead I had a dream of our deceased family dog!? I haven't moved on because I never got to adjust. Our teen didn't allow me to grieve, as watching the family tapes made him angry... Still, I'm trying to have faith that I could see him in Heaven... After a difficult childhood,my husband was the only one who ALWAYS called me his "angel," or his"beautiful, beautiful wife." Not hearing things like that--ever--gets to be too much these days...<br />
I wonder where a everyone else here is...

Is anyone else in my"boat"

had horrid childhood also, every morning my 55 year old husband said to his 61 year old wife good morning gorgeous, miss his voice his arms his touch, need him so much. don't know about heaven but my time on earth of 25 years was glorious with him, don't let others take away a second of the love you had, sorry for the negative in your life

Kaleb was that for me I was his Princess, and his Beautiful Gorgeous.

I lost my husband too. we'd been together since we were 13 and 14 yrs. old, It is 11 months today and I know just how you feel, my sons just tell me to quit crying, I feel so alone. I also have stopped believing in God, we all prayed for him to survive over the 2 weeks he was on a ventilator, God let me down and I am so angry. I had my 50th birthday while he was dying. The last 11 months have been a blur, I feel numb. I cope during the day because I have to work, I am a nurse and have to take care of my patients. At night I hate to go to bed because I fall into the deep hole we call grief and cry myself to sleep. You have to be strong, even if you died, there is no guarantee you will be with him, you need to stay with the living, hopefully we will both feel better with time. All the best to you.

So sorry for your loss! I just lost my husband 8 months ago of a Cardiac Arrest, we were married 38 years , have two children, and 5 grandchildren. I also feel your pain and numbness, and sometimes others just don't know what your are trully going through. I cry my self to sleep, I too almost gave up on life, but we as humans, we are weak on the earth , God Loaned us to our parents , He is the FATHER and HE Calls us Home, His Home.....Right now I don't Know His Plan for me..... I can't go to my house and stay . I am staying with my daughter and three grandchildren, not sure yet on life for me so many changes and don't know how to accept them... I just joined so I am new to this, and i realize it was in 2010 you lost your soul mate, he will forever be with you in your heart and mind.... nm widow

sorry for your loss, I lost my husband April 28 2013 so the 1 year anniversary is coming up, I thought by this point I'd of felt better but I don't. For some reason I thought by 1 year I'd feel almost normal again but I don't. I find I get lonely by myself and can't seem to imagine living the rest of my days without him. It all seems like a big mistake, like I'll wake up from a long dream. I'm glad to see that you have the support of family. If it weren't for my parents I don't think I'd have made it this far. My Dad drove me back and forth to the hospital an hour each way those two weeks I husband was in ICU and stayed right by my side when It took 5 hrs for my husband to pass away after taking his breathing tube out, the doctor said he's live about 1 hour, that was the worst 5 hrs of my life. That is what I have nightmares about. My husband was my soulmate, it sounds like your husband was yours also. Let's hope time does heal us, I hope you will feel better soon!

So sorry, i mis read the year!.....
Thank you for writing me back, all these people are reaching out because we are all lost in the Grief we are going thru.
we see all the things we are going through are almost the same. different people , different times in grief, but still so much in common. my heart feels for everyone..... nmwidow

you are right, it doesn't matter where we are from, if we are rich ,poor ,fat, thin ,black, white etc. all of us seem to grief so much the same, it seems to be the same thing that unites us as humans. I wish there was an easy way to go through grief. If we could figure it out, we could help a lot of people, couldn't we?

I was just going to say the exact same thing. When you lose the one person you loved most in the world and who had been by your side be it for 10 years or 80 years, your heart is broken in two and half of you is missing. I honestly thought, before I found this site, that no-one could have loved their husband/wife or partner more than I loved my husband, I thought no-one could be grieving like I was or feeling like it was the end of the world. I was so wrong. This site has put many things into perspective for me as I have seen that there are young women in their 40's who have lost their partners. I was one of the lucky ones, my husband and I were together for 50 years, saw our children married and give us grandchildren and for that I am so very grateful and I should really be thanking God for giving us that gift instead of asking him why he did it. I believe in God and the after-life, I am not a regular church-goer, used to be when I was a child, but we were married in church and had our sons and grandchildren christened and I know some day I will meet my husband again. The thing is, I wish it was sooner, rather than later. I wish all of you the very best for the future and I hope we can all get through this terrible dark

2 More Responses

Lost the love of my life last week after 16 years together. He was so healthy and died so unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. I'm so scared and sad and been talking to people about my pain in a vain attempt that someone would have a miracle solution that would heal me. But all the words and sympathy are so empty and meaningless. It's not going to bring my husband back. I don't believe in hope and faith and God anymore. I had prayed to God to save his life but he abandoned me. Now I know for sure God does not exist. And hope is rubbish too. I just wish I could find someone to talk to... someone who can understand. I'm just counting the days until I die. Every day passes by so agonisingly slowly. And after each day that's gone by, I try to reassure myself that it is one day lesser in my life... one day closer to death. But what if I have 30 or 40 or more years to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't live that long!!! I am 32 and I hope my life is very, very, very short. I love you so much R. Why did you leave me after you promised forever with me? Why could we not have died together? Now what do I do? What should I do with myself?

TishaGun, I also felt exactly the way you do now after I lost my husband. I know it's hard for you to believe right now, but YOU WILL FEEL BETTER as time goes on!! I was on the verge of suicide for quite a while, but now that I'm almost 4 years out, I don't have those thoughts so much anymore. I also thought about how many more years I would have to spend on this earth without my beloved husband and I really didn't think I was going to survive intact. It will happen gradually, but you will find yourself and you will make a life for yourself. It will be different than the life you knew with your loved one - it may not be as good or as satisfying, but you will live your life the best way you can. Your loved one would not want you to be unhappy - he would want you to make him proud of the life you will build for yourself. Be kind to yourself - allow yourself to feel and express those feelings - let them out - don't worry about what others think - you are grieving! Let others help you - lean on them, let them do things for you, let them cry with you. If you want to be alone, tell them so - grieving is hard work - devote time to it - allow yourself to cry, scream, wail - it will make you feel better. Don't forget that your loved one is still a part of your life - you are still in a relationship with him - it's just different now. Of course you miss him, but know that he is present in your life in all the things you say and do and feel and he always will be.

It's a month since my husband of 16 yrs passed away suddenly... 5 days after being released from the hospital. Every day is a pain. I cry every day and some days I just feel like I want to tear myself to pieces. We were completely devoted to each other and it is hard trying to comprehend that he is not here. All the little things we enjoyed doing together.... our every day phone calls and text messages to each other.... just hearing his voice saying "hey kid"... I used to call him "my viking" and he was everything to me. Life without him is just not the same. I'm feeling broken inside.

My husband of 44 yrs died July 18th 2013 ,we got married when I was 15 he was 17 he was here on Friday and gone the next Thursday . It'll be 8mos tomorrow and I still don't know what to do by myself.He was my everything.Everyone says it'll get easier but I don't know if that will ever happen,I go to work everyday but am so heart broken everyday on the drive home knowing no ones there.Its hard to live alone after all these years,I don't know what to do with myself

Why dont you make friends and make time for them. Or join a YWCA for women to swim and interact. Im taking my mom to Y she loves it.

My husband died on Valentine's day four days ago I loved him so much he was my whole world we have three small children and my whole life is gone when he left me I left with hI'm I'm lost scared mad and miss him my world has ended

My husband died on October 3,2013, He was 37, He was in an auto accident had a failed surgery, then a failed surgery to repair the first failed surgery. He never recovered or even was able to walk unassisted again. I found him outside dead he had fallen off the porch and died, he was trying to go outside unassisted to smoke a cigarette. We have an 11 and 12 year old, I just live a day at a time I hate being alone and I'm still so numb it all seems surreal. The coroner ruled he had died from injuries sustained in the auto accident. I had prayed for god to take away his pain I just didn't expect him to answer my prayers in that fashion, I'm not mad at god I think my husband was in extreme pain and the doctors didn't seem to know how to control it, maybe death was his only escape, he looked more at peace when I found him than I had ever seen him. As much as I loved and miss him I would not want him to have to be here like he was. He was my knight in Shinning amour and always will be.

My husband died after a cardiac arrest playing football two weeks ago and a year after our wedding. I don't know how I will live without him and I am tormented by not being able to say goodbye. Everything I'm reading of other experiences doesn't suggest that the healing process is very quick. I have lost a wonderful man, my lovely life and I feel cheated out of my future. But I know that there are other people suffering as I am .

I lost my handsome cowboy & love of my life to tonsil/liver cancer. Not only did I lose him, our male Aussie died 6 week later,had to sell our horses,ranch,equipment and most of our furniture. I had to drive our gooseneck back to the N.W. from AZ w/ what I had left & then sold the horse trailer too. I kept his pickup truck. It reminds me of him and I feel close to him when I drive it. I scattered his ashes and hair from our dog at the base of the cascades where we used to camp w/ the horses. I've truly lost everything but try to thank God daily for my blessings. I sold everything at a lose but what I do have I'm greatful for. I cry daily and don't want to go on.

go on, I hope you still are, new to this site but you must go on why for him, that is what I just asked and told myself several minutes ago, don't know what I am doing here, trying to look after his dog, we rent a tiny cottage and daily I try to sell things just so I can stay near him. and do wonder why bothering. but will know when I am done and go from there wherever there is. try to honor his memory and love of life but harder some days than others. so grateful that I had the love of my life just wished it could have lasted. sympathy and empathy to everyone but lets face it this sucks......

I feel so empty. My husband died almost three weeks ago. Now I will have to get through New Years without him. Trying to stay strong for my three young children, but I feel so weak without him. He is the love of my life and the other half of me. Now I am broken.

Sorry for your loss. Remember to put God first let him lead and guide you and give you strength. Join a support group or spend time alone with friends. Your children need you to be strong and keep them busy. In return theyll keep you busy and youll see your husband one day.

I don't know how long it as been since your husband died but it has been almost 4 years for me. We like you created our worlds around each other. I still miss him. Everyday I think of him and mourn for him. I love him so much. I don't know if it ever gets better. Not what you want to hear I am sure but we share the same grief and love for our departed. I just try to depend on God to get me through. IT IS HARD.

I know what you are going thru since I lost my precious wife of 47 years just one month ago on October 29th to cancer. Hang in there God is not done with us yet. Remember He has a plan for all those that belong to Him and loves Him.

How are you doing now?

My husband died September 2013. I am still having a difficult time even though I see a grief counselor every two weeks. Some days I wakr up sad and sometimes get sad as the day goes on

so sorry for your Loss, I too lost my husband of 38 years on Aug 6,2013 of a Cardiac Arrest and was numb and in disbelief and angry and blaming my self , I too am very lost.... not sure what is in store for me..... my heart goes out to all of you that have lost your soul mate and love of your life... nmwidow

Nanny 03 I pray God is with you and takes away your pain
friends and family is your support. Allow them in and allow Gods spirit to lift you until you see your love again.

Life is nothing but pain and is God the manipulator watching us suffer? I just watched my husband suffer and die with no good reason. I want my husband back too, right now because I can't keep walking this desolate road without him. Does God really love us more than his own son's life? Is all religion just a projection of our own boundless imaginations when we realise we're mortal and might need some support from someone immortal? Maybe like an invincible Superman. Who knows? It's impossible to accept without question what has just happened to my husband and to expect blind faith on my part. If we have the capacity to love and sacrifice doesn't that make us worthy of God's good graces? Someone out there may have an answer because I certainly don't and I can't see that life will become any better now I've lost my best friend, lover and husband.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. I am so angry that God took away a very good man who happened to be my best friend, liver and husband of 30 years. I might have another 30 years ahead of me and I'm just waiting to die so that I can be with him again. I've lost my faith as I prayed so hard.... Trishka

I write this to you Rich. You left me and the kids on September 7th 2013 without saying good bye. Im sorry for every time i was impatient, rude, or just mean to you. I will never hear you call me punkin again. Why? I walk around barely here. I dont want to die but living seems to hard right now. I love you more.

i lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate on June 3rd,2013, he was my best friend and my best soul mate ever what do i do?

I lost my fiance of 7 yrs and love of my life to a massive heart attack on 8/17. I found him when I got home from working overtime on a Sat. I have never been so traumatized and I keep going back to the question, "could I have saved him if I'd been home or arrived home earlier?" The autopsy revealed that "no" I couldn't have, but it haunts me everyday. Everything reminds me if him. I feel empty inside. I miss him so much. I feel as if I'll never be happy again. He was my 2nd chance at love and he loved me unconditionally. Everyday is a challenge to get through...

My husband died on 8/13/13. He died on a mountain in New Mexico on a boyscout camping trip with my 13 year old son. My heart is broken and I am lost without him.

Can someone explain me. After the love of your life has died its know been eight months how do u go on without feeling so numb

Sorry to hear about your hubby. It beeb 6months since my hubby diefd. I feel same way. Angry w god for taking the love of my life from me. Not sure how to go on with him

My husband died July 27, 2013. I miss him so much I don't think I can go on. I put on a brave face when my grown children are around. I don't want them to worry. But alone at my house I simply fall apart. I keep thinking he'll be home soon. I can't believe I'll never see him again.

I cant believe i will never see him again.

My husband died 13 months ago, August 2014, and what you have said is the thing that is slowly killing me, 'I will never see him again', that is what is so final, never to see him, hear his voice or see him smile at me again. I can't stop looking at photographs of us when he was 18 years old in 1964, tall, handsome and the love of my life. We were never apart and when he died, I died.

I feel the same, my husband died Aug 6th,2013 of a cardiac arrest and i can't seem to go back to our home and live by myself, I hate being with our my love of my life , we did everthing together, to try to stay strong so people at work and home or church don't think your just a big cry baby...................... they just don't understand. my heart goes out to you. nmwidow


I lost my husband on 12/21/12, the day after our 20th anniversary. He had Hep C and died of liver failure. I'm sorry, I'm having a very bad day today. If it wasn't for my son I just want to die so I could be with him. I keep very busy with friends and hobbies, and I have some very good days, but ultimately it's just some fun times being strung together but I'm not happy. Oh God please help me. I'm very sorry for everyone on here who is suffering. I'll keep you in my prayers.....dara


Its not easy. Go to work like everthings ok. Then i cry all way home. Hoping my love will b there waiting for me but when i get home h
Es not there. Very lonely sad

I lost my brother to Hepatitis C on 12/02/98. Although it wasn\'t my spouse, the loss hit me just as tremendously. Here I am almost 15 years later and I can honestly tell you and all the other people who shared their stories that it takes years, not months, to begin to accept the loss and to find some semblance of happiness in life again. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

my husband also died of liver failure. It was terrible watching it and being unable to do anything to save him. Looks like a lot of people are also suffering just like me. There will be good days and not good days I guess and I suspect that will continue forever. Its hard to imagine being able to heal and go on or be happy but I try to remember my husband would want me to do my best so that is what I do. Its a struggle every day. I will say a prayer every night now for all of us.

1 More Response

my husband died suddenly on July 7, 2013 of a massive heart attack he was only 49 years old.and no symptoms or warning sings I can not bear life with out him .I was 16 years old when we meet iam 45 how we have one son togather he is 28 years old.and we have one grandson that is only 2 years old .he told me that he missed grandpa.and I don,t no what too say two him .IAM so lost with out my husband it hurts so much I just wish I was with him . all I do is cry all the time they said god only takes the best .and he took AGOOD MAN WAY TWO SOON from me . I love you EDWARD.and miss you so much.robin


God gave him to me 20yrs ago and then tore us apart. What did do to deserve to b without my hubby.we had such a wonderful life wr cherish each ither. I want to b with him miss my love so much i will never b same

I lost my husband December 13, 2012. I went to wake him up and he was not responding to me shaking him, so i tried to open his eye, and said hello wake up, and the empty look in his eyes, looking back at me.i knew at that moment, he was gone only then did i realize he was cold and pale, he also slept with his, cpap machine for sleep apnea,i ripped the mask off his face and his lips were blue .that was the most horrific thing i ever went through.I'm 42 and my husband was 44 we have been together since i was 17 and he was 19.i have never loved, untill he came along.we have four children and seven grandchildren.i cry everyday and since he died, I'm emotionally paralyzed.all i want to do is sleep,im like a Prisoner trapped in my house, when i go in public,i start to feel sick, my family and friends say its that anxiety and depression.but this didn't happen to me untill six months after he died.they told me for six months i was in shock because i didn't cry,i just went on doing everything i was supposed to do, then one day everything looked strange my family, the outside world, i don't know what is going on, but i wish i could be myself again for the sake of my sanity and my family.thanks everyone for letting me vent.

Ifeel your pain. I dont want to do anything just stay in bed and hope to wake up from this nightmare but i cant. My dr and friends tell me its depression and i need consulor. I say loss your hubby then u can tell me how to act.u can vent anytime at least we have each other.

I told my boss that i will nevet b same. My heart broken onto trillion pieces. But without my bosses i would not b able to try and get threw the day. I love themas friends without there support and love never b able to survive. The gm stayed w me my my side i trust him w my life it is hard to find boss with loving and caring that he gave me. Agm always there for me day and nite anytime anyplace.

My heart goes out to you. My husband had leukemia and went into remission twice. the last 6 months were verypainful.. I hid my crying and feeling like someone just stuck a knife in my heart. We were together for 17 years we had no children but had 2 dogs that we accepted as our kids. My husband died 5 months ago and I still expect him to walk in the door any minute. I am having a very difficult time accepting that I will never see him again. I am also very angry with god that he faught for 2 years and forit to end like it did.... I am also alone and not sure how to go on with life he was my life. Then 4 wks later our dog had to be put to sleep she was 16 half years old. it was horrible


I just lost my boyfriend and I also want to die and be with him. I just bought the grave plot just below where he is at. I never knew pain so deeply.


My husband was hit by a young driver while at work. He was crossing a 4 lane street on the crosswalk with 3 coworkers. He was a manager for a road striping company and shouldn't have been on the road ,just supervising but that was the kind of worker he was. He saw the car coming and yelled to his coworkers and pushed them out the way. He was the only one hit. They airlifted him to the hospital unconscious. He stayed that way for 10 days before the Dr's determined he was brain dead and took him off all the machines. He passed away on December 28, 2011, less than 2 months from his 40th birthday. We celebrated Christmas in that hospital. We had so many family members and friends there praying that I was certain God would hear us and pull him through it. I feel the situation brought as all together to help US get through it. God has a reason for everything, even if we never know why. Its been over a year and as much as I wanted life to stop until I was ready... it doesn't. Our 2 sons who are now 11 and 8 are adjusting well and I thank God for that. I pray that one day real soon my heart will not feel so empty. I miss him so much! I can't believe I'm a widow. I'm 38 and some have told me that I can still remarry. I feel so hurt when I hear this. My husband was not a pair of socks that could be replaced! He was an awesome man, loved by all. A wonderful father and husband. I'm thankful for the time I had with him. God bless you all.


I have not lost a spouse but I lost my only brother at 47 years of age. It was the first death of an immediate family member that I ever experienced, it was sudden, terrible and unexpected. I thought I would break in pieces on the floor. I felt like I would never smile again and never be able to enjoy music or sing again. I want to share this because I too wished I was dead so I could be with my brother, who I never ever imagined living life without. To the ladies and gentlemen who shared their hearts here with their stories, I just want to share with you that it took me a good 3 years before I even started to feel like my heart was starting to heal. Give yourselves time. Suicide and/or death is not the answer. Time will heal your broken hearts, I promise. It's been 14 years since my brother died and I still think about him every day but life has gone on. It will never be the same but there is happiness to come. I promise.


<p>My husband died April 4,2012.. Not only was that the worst day of my life but it's my birthday. I was 14 and he was 16 when we started dating 18 years ago. We have 2 beautiful children together, a 9 year old son and an 11 year old daughter.. And I couldn't ask for 2 better kids, and it breaks my heart everyday to look into their little eyes and think of the pain and hurt they have suffered this past year... I dont know how to live without him. Im doing the best I can to keep things together for our kids, but it's all I can do not to break down on a daily basis. When will it get better, will I ever feel normal again?? Thank you for your post. I dont have anyone to talk to about this that understands what im going through.. This April will be a year I've had to live without the love of my life and my kids have had to live without their daddy. What do I do?? And will the lumps in my chest and throat ever go away when I talk about him?? I cant help but break down when someone mentions his name. If someone can help me cope with this in anyway, he was only 34 years old when he died.. Why did he have to leave us?? And how will I ever make it through this and hold it together for my children?? Its really sad sometimes because I find myself crying and my babies are comforting me, its my job to comfort them and make them feel better. Where do i go from here?? Does this make me a bad mommy?? What do i do now.</p>


I lost my husband in jan 2013 with 2 small children and one teenager. I have blamed god a thousand times over . My husband was only 36 and a good father , husband , brother and son and much more. So I don't understand why god wanted him so much that he had to leave his babies , I understand people die , but I don't understand why he was taken at such a young age.

I do not understand either, why bad things happen to very good people. My husband was the love of my life. I wish someone would explain it to me. I am very sad and alone I cry every day sometimes 3 times a day. I have asked god to take me and not my husband....

it is not easy but we have people to help us cope withdeath


My husband also died very suddenly of a massive heart attack on Jan 14, 2013. I'm 47, he was 54. We have 3 teen age children. I just miss him so much. Even though I'm around so many people I feel lonely. We spent all of our time together and I'm lost without him. I don't want to die too but I don't know how to live without him either.


My hubby died feb 28 13. I am so alone and sad we were each others best friend did everything together.dont know either how to live without him.

My husband also died at the age of 45 ,recently very recently on 29 th dec 2012. I am 38 years old .He used to worshi the god every day . He used to do sandhyavandanam two times a day .,Abhishekas to MAHAMERU, SIVALINGAM every day . Why the GOD has taken him away from me If god is happy with his offers , my husband should not die so early . I have two children also they are 12 years , and 4 years old . If God is there , our family should not be put in such trouble . So i dont believe god from now onwards.I too want to die as early as possible . But what happens to my children?

I lost my husband on 12/11/12, the worst day of my life ever. He was a 50 year old doctor, he did ask for help, he just died, what the he'll am I supposed to do from now onwards, I hope there is no God, if there is one then that means, god is very cruel and sadistic. I am a Hindu and I did not get any comfort from religion, people gossip and talk ill about others in places of worship. I am so disappointed with my husbands so called friends, nobody has even bothered to enquire if we at the very least have food to eat. I am not even 50, I don't know how long I have in this world. Life is just so painful, my husbands partners are trying their best to cheat. He was an extremely generous human being, taking care of people for free. Maybe if he had been like his partners he would still be here.

I lost my husband 5 years ago my life ended the day my husband died even though l have three lovely children my husband was my life so I die new death everyday so I don't know how long I can keep going

I feel the same way, I go to bed and talk to my husband and say please please hold me so tight and help me go to sleep I am so veryvery tried not sure how much I can go on

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and about three years after high school we broke up and met other people and getting married. We saw each other again at our 20 year reunion, we did not talk, I felt bad the next day and called his sister asking her to him him contact me if he wanted to. A few days passed and then a call. I played the game, oh let me see when I am available, etc. Our first "second" date was on August 11, 2000. He was still living with him, during their divorce proceedings and i had been divorced for 8 years. He had a son and so did I, 11 months apart from each other. We all got along and then the conversation of marriage came up. i was not ready, didn't want to change things, I had my wall up and didn't want to disrupt my son's life - after all it wasn't his fault that his dad and I divorced. I always put my son first. This caused a problem over the years, 9 years to be exact, a few bumps in the road, another woman, well a young woman, 20 years younger, came into his life. He told me that nothing ever happened, I built my wall up again - lots of nights crying and wishing I could change things and go back in time. Well after all the rough times, our children now 18 and 19 - we got married. We decided on a Monday - got our license on Wednesday and were married on Friday, November 12, 2010. We did it all by ourselves just like we had wanted to. He planned a beautiful night at a hotel and we were finally in our happy place at the same time. We looked for a new home and on August 14, 2011 - he was killed on the job - 9 months and 2 days after we were married. I feel so cheated, i am angry, I hate the fact that we didnt get to live our lives together as we had planned. We were two weeks away from moving into our new home, we never actually lived together because we both had our own homes and didn't thinking moving everything twice was smart. I have so much regret that I can hardly breathe sometimes. I play our story over and over again in my head and can;t figure out WHY ME. Don't i deserve to be happy. The time that I spent with him - 11 years and 3 days - only 9 months and 2 days of being his wife were the best in my life and I can;t imagine finding anyone to ever take his place. I belong to a bereavement group and most of the people have started dating. i feel like my world is closing in on me. People say it gets better but I find it gets harder each day - spme days I can make it thought without being so sad and others are consumed by sadness and tears, I wish that I hadn't waited so long to figure that he was the one for me and that he was such a good man and always took care of me. I took down the wall only to feel as though I am lying under the bricks being crushed.

I find that each day not sure what will happen. I just had my wedding anniversary in june it was a very hard and difficult month for me. Cried so hard thought I was going to have a heart attack and go to the hospital.... Life can be so cruel.

I lost my husband on November 4, 2012. He was diagnosed with lung cancer just over a year ago and it had spread to the brain. The only respite in my grief is when I think about how peaceful he was at the end of his life. He had become almost childlike and was so full of love for everyone and everything. Not knowing what to expect, his fear was that his tumor would continue to grow and that he would suffocate. He was under Hospice care since June and spent his last nine days at their facility. In the month before he died, he lost the ability to express his thoughts verbally and was very confused. When he did have lucid moments, he constantly told me how much he loved me and that he knew how much I loved him. The day before he died, I kissed him and told him again how much I loved him and he gave me the biggest smile and then closed his eyes forever. Over the past year, he had made a video documentary of what he called his "cancer journey" beginning with his first day in the hospital. I've watched it several times just to hear his voice, but it is also torturous for me. Knowing that there was not going to be a happy ending, he still kept his humor throughout the nighmare he went through. I have so much anger towards the health care system for the difficulty he had in getting pain medicine which is why he decided initially to go into Hospice. I'm angry that I lost my best friend and the world is less one truly good-hearted and kind person yet so many evil people get to remain here on Earth. I pray each day for God to unite us again and to end my suffering. I struggle with what is my purpose here and what lessons I need to learn before I too can be at peace in God's arms. In the past year I lost my husband, my dad, my dog, my job and soon my home. While I have famiily and friends that I love, I fear losing the two remaining people in my life who are most important to me, my sister and my girlfriend. I panic at the thought of something happening to them but can't help my thoughts after all the loss I've experienced in such a short time. I'm so sick and tired of being told what a strong woman I am.

Thank you all for sharing your stories here and I'm sorry for your losses and pain.

my husband died in october2012,we were told just over a year ago that he had small cell lung cancer.He never wanted to know anything about the disease that he had he just wanted to fight it to the end the best way he could.I on the hand wanted to know every thing i could find out about it.It dint take melong to find out that my husband would only have a year to live with the treatment,has the cancer had already spread by the time it was diagnosed.i have such guilt, i feel that i should have tried to talk to him about how much time he had left.He was so brave and i miss him so much.I seem to have blocked out so much of the last year,it was just so traumatic.

People say tome so are you feeling any better.. I say tothem better you have no idea what I am going through ... so no I am not any better and my life will never be the same again... He taught me how to LOVE and be LOVE. He was so scared to go because he did not want to leave me, his final days he went into a coma and I never had the chance to say thanks for marrying me and you are my life and life will never be same again...

Following a week in the hospital, where they had 2 put him on oxygen, w thrombocytopenia side effects from treatment for lung cancer, I brought my husband home, Nov 18. Becuz of trip to Hopkins on Nov 21, & nurse told me set oxygen at "6" we didn't think we had enough portable tanks. Supplier would have brought them Nov 20, but my H didn't like waiting; I offered 2 get them. Nov 19, I told him I was worried about leaving him alone 2 go & get the extra tanks. He smiled; "I'll be okay." He wasn't. I missed a call from him, 3:17 PM, while signing for the tanks on the loading dock. I left, pulled over 2 call my son; saw missed call & returned it. No answer, but didn't think,"This is a distress call." Drove home. He was unconscious on the floor, oxygen tubes separated by 10 feet; the long tube about 2 feet from him. He had opened the sliding glass door. He suffocated which took a few minutes (not a few seconds, or quickly), terrified (I know) & died alone. This is what I live with. I am like many of you; don't want 2B here w/o him, ask God to take me, & ask my H to come & get me. I'm too tired 2 go 2 a grief class. H died Nov 19, barely 24 hours home from the hospital. I don't think discharge was done well; oxygen was prescribed at "4" but I didn't know that til I picked up extra, unneeded, tanks. Protocols were outside the box, and working; I believe he could have lived for several more years.

I tried two grief classes all it did was make me more sad. I am going to try counselor through insurance something has to help

My husband was killed in a horrific head on collision with a bus one week ago I can see no future we had no kids but thank god for our pitbull who licks my tears and sleeps by myside. I can hardly breath and bbarely want to

My chocolate lab does the same, since my husband died on dec 12 th he does not leave me alone. He even warns away my extended family when they come too close to me. But for the two dogs and my teenagers there was really no need for me to be alive.

Do not be mad at God... Your time will come when you reunite with your Husband. I lost my Husband last week to a massive heart attack, and found him in the shower... It is not fair, I know, and I truly miss my Husband, but I will not blame God for this...

I try not to be mad at god, but how can you be diagnose with leukemia which was so devasting and you do everything the dr ask you to do for 2 years go into remission and then the dr says you have 3 months my husband died in 7 days. How fair is that

My husband died two weeks ago today. He was never sick, never complained and then two weeks ago today dropped dead at work. The police phoned me and said, 'your husband died'. I thought it was someone was playing pranks on me. I shouted and screamed at them on the phone. I now say, 'why didnt God take me?' He could have coped, he was my rock; I am the weak one. Is someone ot there punishing me?
Dont ever take life or someone for granted; they can be ripped out of your life in a matter of seconds ...

So sorry. Lost my husband Nov 19, 2012. I feel same way; if I died, he could have coped. He didn't need me. Everyday is just one day closer to when I will be with him again, I believe. My age, 62, seems way too young now.

My heart goes out to you. You are right Please do not take life for granted or be angry because you never know when your life will end. He was my rock and I am so sad he did everything for me, clean the house I walk in the house after work dinner was already on the table. I would leave work at 6am and he would call me 3 times to make sure that I arrived safely. We talk a couple of time during the day. and when I was ready to leave work and go home I would call him and say I am on my way home to be with the one I truly love... Then him would call me 3 times to make sure I got home safely.... I am alone sad. I wanted to let everyone know life is too short love each other and say the words I love you its very import ant

My hubby died six months ago from leukemia ladt months wrre very sad . Not sure why hood people taken. Never undetdtand

U have to stay strong and don't question god he does everything for a reason hang on their girly<3

I lost my husband 2 weeks and 4 days ago, he was taken away from me so quick of a heart attack, in front of me. Just feel so sad x

All of us who have lost a spouse know this sadness. So sorry for your loss too.

I lost my husband on 14 August 2012. We went out together at school when he was aged 18 and I was 14. We fell out big time and he went off to university. I loved him my whole life but never saw him again until last year. We met up after his mum died, and fell in love all over again. We had 13 sometimes difficult months together (I was waiting for a divorce) and had just bought a new home together and moved in when he collapsed suddenly in the night, an apparently healthy man. He died of a massive heart attack. It took us forty years to find each other only for this to happen. He was only 58, never smoked or abused alcohol, healthy diet and a very keen sportsman. I want to die too. In an hour or so's time it will be 13 weeks since he died right in front of my eyes. I love him so much, broken-hearted is an understatement. I just want to be with him.

My second husband was also 58. I feel the way you and others feel. Yes, I want him back; I want to be with him. So sorry for your loss too. I know this pain.

My loving husband of 26 years died unexpectedly on May 2, 2012. He was my soulmate, the love of my life, and loved me unconditionally. He had health issues, one being a non-compliant diabetic. I am so angry at him for not taking better care of himself and for leaving me so soon. He truly loved me and had the utmost respect for me. He taught our two children to love me and respect me the way he did, and they do. I am so angry at God for taking him away, if there really is a God. I feel that every day passed is a day closer to seeing him again. I look forward to my death. I am not suicidal, but I look forward to the day when I can be with him again. My life has been literally shaken up and turned upside down. I don't know how to go on without him.

I lost my husband of 23 years to cancer on June 18, 2012. I feel like my insides were literally ripped in half. I am only 49 and people keep telling me that I'll find someone else, but I feel like even thinking of such a thing is being unfaithful to the man I promised to love forever. We have an 18 year old son who is really struggling without his dad and he needs me to be strong for him. But I feel like I've got nothing to give. How can God allow anyone to feel like this? What could the purpose of this possibly be? I think that we are supposed to learn lessons from the trials in our lives, but this is way beyond anything I could ever have imagined. They say that time eases the pain, but at 5 months it feels just as bad as it did on day one.

I'm not sure we learn all our lessons on this side of life. I think some things we never really know, or at least not until we are on the other side of this life. I do believe God loves us more than we know, even though we have pain in this life. I like the book, Making Sense Out of Suffering, by Peter Kreeft, but reading it, perhaps understanding it better, doesn't take away the pain we feel. 49 is young. I met my second husband when I was 49. He's the one I'm missing now. I don't imagine I will ever be with anyone else; I'm 62 now. I know some older than me who do remarry but I just don't think that's what I want. You will do what feels best, and if that means marrying again someday, then that's okay for you.

I lost my husband of 23 years to cancer on June 18, 2012. I feel like my insides were literally ripped in half. I am only 49 and people keep telling me that I'll find someone else, but I feel like even thinking of such a thing is being unfaithful to the man I promised to love forever. We have an 18 year old son who is really struggling without his dad and he needs me to be strong for him. But I feel like I've got nothing to give. How can God allow anyone to feel like this? What could the purpose of this possibly be? I think that we are supposed to learn lessons from the trials in our lives, but this is way beyond anything I could ever have imagined. They say that time eases the pain, but at 5 months it feels just as bad as it did on day one.

Time doesn't heal, but time makes it easier to cope. You will never feel happy again but you will learn to have happy times. I didn't realise that I hadn't cried for ages until he died and now five years later I cry almost every day. I tried to end my life but it didn't work, so I won't try again ( it wasn't meant to be) but if life gives me a life threatening disease, I won't have any treatment!!! Live the life that you are meant to have.

I feel the same way. I'm going to get my living will completed, and I don't want to go on living without my husband; if ill, I don't want to have treatment. Anyway, that's how I feel today, and I don't know if that will change.

I found this site by accident. I lost my husband suddenly July 22, 2012. He was far too young. I am 42 with no children -- imagining the rest of my life without my "true north". I function every day because I have to... but inside I feel empty. Someone mentioned being the tin man, without a heart. I understand that. This morning I woke up and wanted to shout (actually did shout) that I'm sick of this crap and I just want him to come back already. There is no relief. Reading everyone's shared experience makes me understand that we are none of us unique -- all just in a club no one wants to join. I wish peace for everyone, myself included. I also hope that I will see him again. All these books about near-death experiences gives me a glimmer of hope that there is more...

Yes, I think the ND experiences gives us a little glimmer of hope, but I also believe the gospels, and that gives me even more hope. Plus, I know how much my husband loved God, and overhead him asking Jesus to come into his heart and be his savior. I believe God loves us all more than we are able to know. God weeps with us, and wants to wipe away our tears. He's my hope for seeing my beloved husband again.

I lost my husband on 9 may this year. There was no closure or anything positive. One minute we are talking on the phone, another minute he met with a car accident and was sent to hospital. When I reached the hospital, he was already in a comatose state. Went thru surgery to reduce head pressure, struggled for 10 days and eventually left us with lungs infection. I was still pregnant then with our second child. He does not even know the gender of this child. We had a daughter 7 years old.

I was totally depressed on forced to move forward because of my children. Have to take up my usual role as well as his role to bring income. Life is tough. Why is God so cruel to allow man at his prime age to be taken away like that and escape responsibilities of a Daddy.

Even if I don't need a husband, why deny my daughters of a kind and sweet Daddy? Life isn't fair at all.

I lost my wife to cancer ,she went very fast,,,on 3 /16/2012 and know exacty how you all feel,,

My husband was killed in a car accident April 1 2012. He was 31. I am 30. I was also in the car. I cry for him every day and beg him to come and get me. I feel terribly guilty that I made it and he didn't. I have already attempted suicide once and think about it every day. He is the love of my life and I do not want to live without him. I hate that God takes good men like my husband but leaves wife beaters child molesters and rapist here to freely walk this planet. I feel like the tin man walking around with no heart. I pray that if I attempt suicide again I am successful and can once again be with my husband and that my children and family will understand that I can no longer bear the physical mental or emotional pain and that I love them all. My prayers to all of you for I am walking a mile in your shoes and I know firsthand how hard of a mile it is to walk.

I am the original poster of this story. You have brought me to tears with your story. Please know that I'm speaking from experience - you will heal! I, too, contemplated suicide as I missed my husband so much and couldn't bear to live without him. It has now been over 2 years and I'm just beginning to feel better about my life. For many months, I was numb and felt paralyzed or crippled. I will NEVER accept or "get over" his death - but I have learned to be a different person and how to get through each day. It will take time - be patient with yourself - you will slowly make it through the grief. You can't go around grief - you have to meet it head-on and do whatever is necessary to get through it. You are not alone - you still have a relationship with your husband - it's just different - everything you do, everything you believe, every thought you have - remember - is influenced by your husband's relationship with you. In that way, he is still with you. You can pay tribute to him by learning to live your life well through his influence. Please take care of yourself - you must make the best of what you have - you really have no choice. I'm very sorry for your terrible loss.

I lost my husband on September 1 2012 of a massive heart attack after 45 yrs together. I was 18 and he was 21...I thank the good Lord for him . I too am lost in my everyday thinking..I too want to be with him, but that is impossible!! I'm happy to have found this site so I can also write what's in my heart. When I met him for the first time something told me that he was my soul mate..he was my best friend, my lover my everything. We married 11 mths later and there was never any regret during those 45 yrs together. We had a daughter 1yr later and then a son 7yrs later. He was a great husband, dad, brother, son, friend, etc. In March of 1998 my Dad died then march of 2000 our Son died.. my mom died october of 2000 and then my sister died february 2001 and many more after this...I never thought I would be able to get through the grief but dear hubby was there to wipe the tears. But now that he is gone I'm having a very hard time with the grief. I try to keep busy but sometimes the tears are overwhelming, you might be wondering what about the daughter..well she's a good daughter but I don't want to bother her, she has a family of her own and she works at a very stressful job . I think God has a plan for us and we must try to be opened minded and be patient...I think, we will all survive this..if we contemplate suicide we might not meet up with our loved ones!!! I pretend that my husband is living the remainder of my life with me..I talk to him..I ask him for guidance..I still hug him and kiss him and I ask him to hold me up when I am at my worst....thank you for reading my story ..thank you for this blog...thank you for angels in heaven ..luv u all

I lost my husband on September 7, 2012 from Glioblastoma a deadly brain cancer. It took him completely away from me. He could not see, or speak at the end. I stayed by his side at the hospital for a week never really moving away from him for too long. I met him when I was eighteen, and he was the love of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not long for him, want to be with him, miss him, and cry constantly for him. We had five children, 9 grandchildren, but even though we were so blessed with the most beautiful family ever, I feel so incomplete, totally empty. I hate death, and what it does to families...the ones left behind...the wives, mothers, sons, daughters and grandchildren. We all suffer. I have a tremendous faith in God, but no matter what I do to make things bearable, the sadness prevails, the longing to be with him is never ending, and when I turn the key, he is no longer there waiting for me. I know he was suffering so much, and I am glad his suffering is over. I just want him back like he was before his illness like all of us do with the ones we love. Losing the ones you love so deeply is a pain in your heart that no one else can imagine unless you go through it.

today after almost 3 years of sadness, i called a psychiatrist who was kind enough to say to me- you don't need me. you loved your husband, the ending was tragically fast- you are fine. you are in the tunnel of grief. go where it takes you. if you didn't love so deeply, you wouldn't feel this way. be kind to yourself. amen.

I've been thinking I need to see my therapist. This tells me that maybe I don't. I can't imagine what she would say to me to make me hurt any less. Thank you for sharing, dan1i. Take care.

I just lost my husband on September 24th 2012. I want to die so that I can be with him so badly. We started dating when I was 18 and he 19. He had cancer as a child and had to have full body radiation. Three years ago we found out that he had acute pulminary stenosis and he needed a new heart valve as well. The heart surgery went well it was his lungs that killed him! He went in for an angiogram and died about a week later! It was told to us that he may have to be on meds for his lungs still or the lungs would start working on their own. His lungs filled with blood and he was put on life support. They had no idea where the blood was coming from. I had to take him off of life support. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was 44 years old. I want to die so bad that it is a thought all of the time. We have a 15 year old adopted son but I still want to die! I was thinking of over dosing as there is plenty of prescription drugs for my son and husband and my own. Everyone says time heals and I don't believe it. I am even being told that we don't know for sure that I would be with him! I don't care as long as I am not without him!

It's only been ten days for me, and, like you, I simply do not believe that time heals. I too would rather not be here without him, but that would cause a lifelong pain for my daughter. Hang in there. One day at a time. Your son needs you. Take care.

i lost my wife august 12 2012,she died suddenly with no symptoms or warning signs,i dont no what to do,i,am so lonely and scared.i cry everyday asking god why plz take me to her,we have 2 step daugther they r so beauitful i love those girls like my own,plz i,am trying i,am weak.plz help me god...

I lost my husband of 55 years,l although we were together for 57, on Christmas morning 2011 to cancer. He was diagnosed in 2010, and I vowed to keep him home which I did. I was his caregiver, and he passed peacefully in the home that we built surrounded by our two daughters and grandsons who were his pride and joy. I remain in our home, but I have made trips to VA and MA where my daughters live, and of course, they keep me busy by inviting me on vacations with them. Today, I am in MA home from a trip to CA with my son-in-law, daughter and grandsons. But even though I am with them, the longing and loneliness, still creep in, and the tears still flow. I know that my husband is with me always. He passed at age 77, and I am 75. Each day I want to be with him, but I know he would want me to be here with my six grandsons to see them in all of their adventures. My eldest grandson will be married this November--another event my husband will miss, another event that will be joyful, but also heartbreaking for me without him there,

i lost my husband, he was diagnosed with cancer july 2011 and died january 2nd 2012. i was calling for an ambulance as the clocks struck 12 for new year. dont know how i will get through this christmas and new year. i miss him so very much. he was only 55. i have four children and i believe that the only reason i am still alive is because one of them is disabled and dependant on me. people often talk about their partner as their other half and i relly feel like part of me has gone.

I really know how you feel. No one who has never gone through this experience can say any words of comfort. I lost my partner of 23 years a month ago and I feel the same as you. I have prepaid my funeral arrangements and only want to be reunited again with the only person who loved me unconditionally.

I lost my husband 5 years ago, he was 49. We were in the same class at school from 11 years of age and engaged at 17. we married at 23 and have 2 beautiful daughters. We lived life to the full but both worked hard to achieve what we did. we lost a son at 6 months old due to a congenital disease. Life was never the same. I was diagnosed with lung cancer at 42 and told to live life as if I was in my sixties. He looked after me and made life so very special, I cannot say what a great man he was. Miraculously, I began to recover after responding well to chemotherapy, radiotherapy and lobectomy. He began to feel unwell at the same time, they said he was suffering from stress due to my illness. It turned out he had a tumour in his sinuses. He had an eye removed but the cancer had spread to his bones. He suffered as I would not want anyone to suffer but soldiered on. He was my rock my soulmate and the love of my life. He still is and always will be! I am trying to make the most of what life is left to me. They gave me 10 to 15 years and I've had 8. I don't know how to tell you what an amazing man me my husband was. I miss him so much but I know he would want me to enjoy what life has to offer. Until we meet again!!!!

I so can relate that what I say until we meet again. Each day that passes we are closer to reuniting with our soul mates husband and best friend. My husband was a remarkable young man and 17 years off our life's together was amazing I know he wants me to enjoy life because he was not jealous or selfish... They Are always here with us

my husband died 17 of august 2012 due to massive heart attack he is just 42 yrs i am at 37 now i am a widow i have one daughter 13 yrs we both r loving each other very much i miss husband lot i dont know how to live without him now i am very much lonely my heart ache each and every moment form him i hate god he dont want to see my sweet family he ruined my life

My husbandpassed july 17th 2012 There was just te 2 of us also, I want to go with him, I have tried to think of ways to go to him. I too am angry at god & sometimes i am angry at him for leaving me. I don't want to go on without him. He was my home and I his. I keep begging him to come get me, I want to go I am ready please Michael come and get me

I know what you mean.... People are always saying "Time Heals." It is a lie.... time doe not heal.... it steals away all that was normal, all that was real. It leave you holding air and gives you nothing in return. It was almost a year ago...yet it was yesterday.

I am lost. I go through each day in a robotic state. I breath because my body does the work... I cry because I don't know what else to do. He was the love of my life. He show me love every time he looked into my eyes. There is no way to ever understand a lose unless you go through it and even then it is not the same for everyone because it all depends on how deep of a relationship two people shared and what they went through to be together.

I agree with you 56, I don't believe that time heals. At ten days since my fiancee died, I still wake up every morning unable to fathom waking up without him and wanting it to all be a bad dream. Take care.

I feel the same way. I lost my fiance on September 1st, 2012. I love him so much. I don't want to be with anyone else. People keep telling me that I am young and that one day I will love again. No I won't. I could never give my heart and soul to anyone else; it belongs to him. I love him so much. I love God and have a lot of faith, but I want to die so I can be with my soulmate. He is my one and only true love.

Scudzilla, I am so with you. My fiancee died on October 9th and it baffles me that people even hint at the possibility of me loving again. I am 46 and I am convinced that I will live the rest of my life unpartnered. Nobody could ever fill his shoes. Take care.