My Husband Died

My husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack on July 4th.  He was 55, and had no symptoms or warning signs.  I can't bear to live without him.  We've been together since I was 16 and I'm 46 now.  I've never lived on my own, and I don't know what it's like to be "single" - I've always been part of a couple.  I cry every day...I don't want to live without him.  We had a wonderful life together - never had any children by choice - we devoted ourselves completely to each other...and now I'm alone.  I feel as if I'm paralyzed or crippled...I just do what is necessary to get through each day.  I love God and I have a lot of faith, but that faith is being tested now, and I'm angry at God for taking him away from me.  I want to die so I can be with him.
jbonestone jbonestone 46-50 127 Responses Aug 23, 2010

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I too lost my husband recently. He was 56. We had been married 30 years and have no children. I don't know how to live life without him. I am in bits..... Every day, every corner, every room, every drive into town, every restaurant ....memory after memory comes flooding back. I feel so lost.... I know how you feel.
Trishka. I

My husband died on April 27, 2014 and I've been feeling very lonely ever since. I believe that my pain will never goes away. It will be like a deep scar for the rest of my life. He also died suddenly of a massive heart attack and he died in my arms, although on the death certificate says he died at the hospital but I know that he was gone when he suffered the heart attack at Walmart on Flemington. I saw his eyes were still and when the paramedics arrived they tried everything, but my husband didn't respond at all, so they took him to the emergency room at Hunterdon Medical Center in Flemington, NJ. I've been missing him 24/7 and once in a while I get the flash back, but not the way he was last seen, but the way he used to be when he was younger. I remember when he was driving everywhere, answering the phones, going to solve problems, cutting grass, and all of sudden, I could see how he was deteriorating day by day till the day he died. He was around 80 when I married him and I was 41 years old at the time; today I am 57 years old and feeling as if I were a fish out of water without him. He was 95 years old, but I still thinking that he could be a little longer with me.

It is now May of 2014. I don't know if any of the original people still check out this site, but my husband died in January of 2011 after 9 years of cancer and over 20 years of soul ties... I don't know why it's hard to feel comfort about him! Probably because we always thought that after all the care-giving, I'd have a comforting dream or something if he went before me --but instead I had a dream of our deceased family dog!? I haven't moved on because I never got to adjust. Our teen didn't allow me to grieve, as watching the family tapes made him angry... Still, I'm trying to have faith that I could see him in Heaven... After a difficult childhood,my husband was the only one who ALWAYS called me his "angel," or his"beautiful, beautiful wife." Not hearing things like that--ever--gets to be too much these days...<br />
I wonder where a everyone else here is...

Is anyone else in my"boat"

I lost my husband too. we'd been together since we were 13 and 14 yrs. old, It is 11 months today and I know just how you feel, my sons just tell me to quit crying, I feel so alone. I also have stopped believing in God, we all prayed for him to survive over the 2 weeks he was on a ventilator, God let me down and I am so angry. I had my 50th birthday while he was dying. The last 11 months have been a blur, I feel numb. I cope during the day because I have to work, I am a nurse and have to take care of my patients. At night I hate to go to bed because I fall into the deep hole we call grief and cry myself to sleep. You have to be strong, even if you died, there is no guarantee you will be with him, you need to stay with the living, hopefully we will both feel better with time. All the best to you.

So sorry for your loss! I just lost my husband 8 months ago of a Cardiac Arrest, we were married 38 years , have two children, and 5 grandchildren. I also feel your pain and numbness, and sometimes others just don't know what your are trully going through. I cry my self to sleep, I too almost gave up on life, but we as humans, we are weak on the earth , God Loaned us to our parents , He is the FATHER and HE Calls us Home, His Home.....Right now I don't Know His Plan for me..... I can't go to my house and stay . I am staying with my daughter and three grandchildren, not sure yet on life for me so many changes and don't know how to accept them... I just joined so I am new to this, and i realize it was in 2010 you lost your soul mate, he will forever be with you in your heart and mind.... nm widow

sorry for your loss, I lost my husband April 28 2013 so the 1 year anniversary is coming up, I thought by this point I'd of felt better but I don't. For some reason I thought by 1 year I'd feel almost normal again but I don't. I find I get lonely by myself and can't seem to imagine living the rest of my days without him. It all seems like a big mistake, like I'll wake up from a long dream. I'm glad to see that you have the support of family. If it weren't for my parents I don't think I'd have made it this far. My Dad drove me back and forth to the hospital an hour each way those two weeks I husband was in ICU and stayed right by my side when It took 5 hrs for my husband to pass away after taking his breathing tube out, the doctor said he's live about 1 hour, that was the worst 5 hrs of my life. That is what I have nightmares about. My husband was my soulmate, it sounds like your husband was yours also. Let's hope time does heal us, I hope you will feel better soon!

So sorry, i mis read the year!.....
Thank you for writing me back, all these people are reaching out because we are all lost in the Grief we are going thru.
we see all the things we are going through are almost the same. different people , different times in grief, but still so much in common. my heart feels for everyone..... nmwidow

you are right, it doesn't matter where we are from, if we are rich ,poor ,fat, thin ,black, white etc. all of us seem to grief so much the same, it seems to be the same thing that unites us as humans. I wish there was an easy way to go through grief. If we could figure it out, we could help a lot of people, couldn't we?

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Lost the love of my life last week after 16 years together. He was so healthy and died so unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. I'm so scared and sad and been talking to people about my pain in a vain attempt that someone would have a miracle solution that would heal me. But all the words and sympathy are so empty and meaningless. It's not going to bring my husband back. I don't believe in hope and faith and God anymore. I had prayed to God to save his life but he abandoned me. Now I know for sure God does not exist. And hope is rubbish too. I just wish I could find someone to talk to... someone who can understand. I'm just counting the days until I die. Every day passes by so agonisingly slowly. And after each day that's gone by, I try to reassure myself that it is one day lesser in my life... one day closer to death. But what if I have 30 or 40 or more years to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't live that long!!! I am 32 and I hope my life is very, very, very short. I love you so much R. Why did you leave me after you promised forever with me? Why could we not have died together? Now what do I do? What should I do with myself?

TishaGun, I also felt exactly the way you do now after I lost my husband. I know it's hard for you to believe right now, but YOU WILL FEEL BETTER as time goes on!! I was on the verge of suicide for quite a while, but now that I'm almost 4 years out, I don't have those thoughts so much anymore. I also thought about how many more years I would have to spend on this earth without my beloved husband and I really didn't think I was going to survive intact. It will happen gradually, but you will find yourself and you will make a life for yourself. It will be different than the life you knew with your loved one - it may not be as good or as satisfying, but you will live your life the best way you can. Your loved one would not want you to be unhappy - he would want you to make him proud of the life you will build for yourself. Be kind to yourself - allow yourself to feel and express those feelings - let them out - don't worry about what others think - you are grieving! Let others help you - lean on them, let them do things for you, let them cry with you. If you want to be alone, tell them so - grieving is hard work - devote time to it - allow yourself to cry, scream, wail - it will make you feel better. Don't forget that your loved one is still a part of your life - you are still in a relationship with him - it's just different now. Of course you miss him, but know that he is present in your life in all the things you say and do and feel and he always will be.

It's a month since my husband of 16 yrs passed away suddenly... 5 days after being released from the hospital. Every day is a pain. I cry every day and some days I just feel like I want to tear myself to pieces. We were completely devoted to each other and it is hard trying to comprehend that he is not here. All the little things we enjoyed doing together.... our every day phone calls and text messages to each other.... just hearing his voice saying "hey kid"... I used to call him "my viking" and he was everything to me. Life without him is just not the same. I'm feeling broken inside.

My husband of 44 yrs died July 18th 2013 ,we got married when I was 15 he was 17 he was here on Friday and gone the next Thursday . It'll be 8mos tomorrow and I still don't know what to do by myself.He was my everything.Everyone says it'll get easier but I don't know if that will ever happen,I go to work everyday but am so heart broken everyday on the drive home knowing no ones there.Its hard to live alone after all these years,I don't know what to do with myself

My husband died on Valentine's day four days ago I loved him so much he was my whole world we have three small children and my whole life is gone when he left me I left with hI'm I'm lost scared mad and miss him my world has ended

My husband died on October 3,2013, He was 37, He was in an auto accident had a failed surgery, then a failed surgery to repair the first failed surgery. He never recovered or even was able to walk unassisted again. I found him outside dead he had fallen off the porch and died, he was trying to go outside unassisted to smoke a cigarette. We have an 11 and 12 year old, I just live a day at a time I hate being alone and I'm still so numb it all seems surreal. The coroner ruled he had died from injuries sustained in the auto accident. I had prayed for god to take away his pain I just didn't expect him to answer my prayers in that fashion, I'm not mad at god I think my husband was in extreme pain and the doctors didn't seem to know how to control it, maybe death was his only escape, he looked more at peace when I found him than I had ever seen him. As much as I loved and miss him I would not want him to have to be here like he was. He was my knight in Shinning amour and always will be.

My husband died after a cardiac arrest playing football two weeks ago and a year after our wedding. I don't know how I will live without him and I am tormented by not being able to say goodbye. Everything I'm reading of other experiences doesn't suggest that the healing process is very quick. I have lost a wonderful man, my lovely life and I feel cheated out of my future. But I know that there are other people suffering as I am .

I lost my handsome cowboy &amp; love of my life to tonsil/liver cancer. Not only did I lose him, our male Aussie died 6 week later,had to sell our horses,ranch,equipment and most of our furniture. I had to drive our gooseneck back to the N.W. from AZ w/ what I had left &amp; then sold the horse trailer too. I kept his pickup truck. It reminds me of him and I feel close to him when I drive it. I scattered his ashes and hair from our dog at the base of the cascades where we used to camp w/ the horses. I've truly lost everything but try to thank God daily for my blessings. I sold everything at a lose but what I do have I'm greatful for. I cry daily and don't want to go on.

I feel so empty. My husband died almost three weeks ago. Now I will have to get through New Years without him. Trying to stay strong for my three young children, but I feel so weak without him. He is the love of my life and the other half of me. Now I am broken.

I don't know how long it as been since your husband died but it has been almost 4 years for me. We like you created our worlds around each other. I still miss him. Everyday I think of him and mourn for him. I love him so much. I don't know if it ever gets better. Not what you want to hear I am sure but we share the same grief and love for our departed. I just try to depend on God to get me through. IT IS HARD.

I know what you are going thru since I lost my precious wife of 47 years just one month ago on October 29th to cancer. Hang in there God is not done with us yet. Remember He has a plan for all those that belong to Him and loves Him.

How are you doing now?

My husband died September 2013. I am still having a difficult time even though I see a grief counselor every two weeks. Some days I wakr up sad and sometimes get sad as the day goes on

so sorry for your Loss, I too lost my husband of 38 years on Aug 6,2013 of a Cardiac Arrest and was numb and in disbelief and angry and blaming my self , I too am very lost.... not sure what is in store for me..... my heart goes out to all of you that have lost your soul mate and love of your life... nmwidow

Life is nothing but pain and is God the manipulator watching us suffer? I just watched my husband suffer and die with no good reason. I want my husband back too, right now because I can't keep walking this desolate road without him. Does God really love us more than his own son's life? Is all religion just a projection of our own boundless imaginations when we realise we're mortal and might need some support from someone immortal? Maybe like an invincible Superman. Who knows? It's impossible to accept without question what has just happened to my husband and to expect blind faith on my part. If we have the capacity to love and sacrifice doesn't that make us worthy of God's good graces? Someone out there may have an answer because I certainly don't and I can't see that life will become any better now I've lost my best friend, lover and husband.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you said. I am so angry that God took away a very good man who happened to be my best friend, liver and husband of 30 years. I might have another 30 years ahead of me and I'm just waiting to die so that I can be with him again. I've lost my faith as I prayed so hard.... Trishka

I write this to you Rich. You left me and the kids on September 7th 2013 without saying good bye. Im sorry for every time i was impatient, rude, or just mean to you. I will never hear you call me punkin again. Why? I walk around barely here. I dont want to die but living seems to hard right now. I love you more.

i lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate on June 3rd,2013, he was my best friend and my best soul mate ever what do i do?

I lost my fiance of 7 yrs and love of my life to a massive heart attack on 8/17. I found him when I got home from working overtime on a Sat. I have never been so traumatized and I keep going back to the question, "could I have saved him if I'd been home or arrived home earlier?" The autopsy revealed that "no" I couldn't have, but it haunts me everyday. Everything reminds me if him. I feel empty inside. I miss him so much. I feel as if I'll never be happy again. He was my 2nd chance at love and he loved me unconditionally. Everyday is a challenge to get through...

My husband died on 8/13/13. He died on a mountain in New Mexico on a boyscout camping trip with my 13 year old son. My heart is broken and I am lost without him.

Can someone explain me. After the love of your life has died its know been eight months how do u go on without feeling so numb

Sorry to hear about your hubby. It beeb 6months since my hubby diefd. I feel same way. Angry w god for taking the love of my life from me. Not sure how to go on with him

My husband died July 27, 2013. I miss him so much I don't think I can go on. I put on a brave face when my grown children are around. I don't want them to worry. But alone at my house I simply fall apart. I keep thinking he'll be home soon. I can't believe I'll never see him again.

I cant believe i will never see him again.

I feel the same, my husband died Aug 6th,2013 of a cardiac arrest and i can't seem to go back to our home and live by myself, I hate being with our my love of my life , we did everthing together, to try to stay strong so people at work and home or church don't think your just a big cry baby...................... they just don't understand. my heart goes out to you. nmwidow


I lost my husband on 12/21/12, the day after our 20th anniversary. He had Hep C and died of liver failure. I'm sorry, I'm having a very bad day today. If it wasn't for my son I just want to die so I could be with him. I keep very busy with friends and hobbies, and I have some very good days, but ultimately it's just some fun times being strung together but I'm not happy. Oh God please help me. I'm very sorry for everyone on here who is suffering. I'll keep you in my prayers.....dara


Its not easy. Go to work like everthings ok. Then i cry all way home. Hoping my love will b there waiting for me but when i get home h
Es not there. Very lonely sad

I lost my brother to Hepatitis C on 12/02/98. Although it wasn\'t my spouse, the loss hit me just as tremendously. Here I am almost 15 years later and I can honestly tell you and all the other people who shared their stories that it takes years, not months, to begin to accept the loss and to find some semblance of happiness in life again. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

my husband also died of liver failure. It was terrible watching it and being unable to do anything to save him. Looks like a lot of people are also suffering just like me. There will be good days and not good days I guess and I suspect that will continue forever. Its hard to imagine being able to heal and go on or be happy but I try to remember my husband would want me to do my best so that is what I do. Its a struggle every day. I will say a prayer every night now for all of us.

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my husband died suddenly on July 7, 2013 of a massive heart attack he was only 49 years old.and no symptoms or warning sings I can not bear life with out him .I was 16 years old when we meet iam 45 how we have one son togather he is 28 years old.and we have one grandson that is only 2 years old .he told me that he missed grandpa.and I don,t no what too say two him .IAM so lost with out my husband it hurts so much I just wish I was with him . all I do is cry all the time they said god only takes the best .and he took AGOOD MAN WAY TWO SOON from me . I love you EDWARD.and miss you so much.robin


God gave him to me 20yrs ago and then tore us apart. What did do to deserve to b without my hubby.we had such a wonderful life wr cherish each ither. I want to b with him miss my love so much i will never b same

I lost my husband December 13, 2012. I went to wake him up and he was not responding to me shaking him, so i tried to open his eye, and said hello wake up, and the empty look in his eyes, looking back at me.i knew at that moment, he was gone only then did i realize he was cold and pale, he also slept with his, cpap machine for sleep apnea,i ripped the mask off his face and his lips were blue .that was the most horrific thing i ever went through.I'm 42 and my husband was 44 we have been together since i was 17 and he was 19.i have never loved, untill he came along.we have four children and seven grandchildren.i cry everyday and since he died, I'm emotionally paralyzed.all i want to do is sleep,im like a Prisoner trapped in my house, when i go in public,i start to feel sick, my family and friends say its that anxiety and depression.but this didn't happen to me untill six months after he died.they told me for six months i was in shock because i didn't cry,i just went on doing everything i was supposed to do, then one day everything looked strange my family, the outside world, i don't know what is going on, but i wish i could be myself again for the sake of my sanity and my family.thanks everyone for letting me vent.

Ifeel your pain. I dont want to do anything just stay in bed and hope to wake up from this nightmare but i cant. My dr and friends tell me its depression and i need consulor. I say loss your hubby then u can tell me how to act.u can vent anytime at least we have each other.

I told my boss that i will nevet b same. My heart broken onto trillion pieces. But without my bosses i would not b able to try and get threw the day. I love themas friends without there support and love never b able to survive. The gm stayed w me my my side i trust him w my life it is hard to find boss with loving and caring that he gave me. Agm always there for me day and nite anytime anyplace.

My heart goes out to you. My husband had leukemia and went into remission twice. the last 6 months were verypainful.. I hid my crying and feeling like someone just stuck a knife in my heart. We were together for 17 years we had no children but had 2 dogs that we accepted as our kids. My husband died 5 months ago and I still expect him to walk in the door any minute. I am having a very difficult time accepting that I will never see him again. I am also very angry with god that he faught for 2 years and forit to end like it did.... I am also alone and not sure how to go on with life he was my life. Then 4 wks later our dog had to be put to sleep she was 16 half years old. it was horrible


I just lost my boyfriend and I also want to die and be with him. I just bought the grave plot just below where he is at. I never knew pain so deeply.


My husband was hit by a young driver while at work. He was crossing a 4 lane street on the crosswalk with 3 coworkers. He was a manager for a road striping company and shouldn't have been on the road ,just supervising but that was the kind of worker he was. He saw the car coming and yelled to his coworkers and pushed them out the way. He was the only one hit. They airlifted him to the hospital unconscious. He stayed that way for 10 days before the Dr's determined he was brain dead and took him off all the machines. He passed away on December 28, 2011, less than 2 months from his 40th birthday. We celebrated Christmas in that hospital. We had so many family members and friends there praying that I was certain God would hear us and pull him through it. I feel the situation brought as all together to help US get through it. God has a reason for everything, even if we never know why. Its been over a year and as much as I wanted life to stop until I was ready... it doesn't. Our 2 sons who are now 11 and 8 are adjusting well and I thank God for that. I pray that one day real soon my heart will not feel so empty. I miss him so much! I can't believe I'm a widow. I'm 38 and some have told me that I can still remarry. I feel so hurt when I hear this. My husband was not a pair of socks that could be replaced! He was an awesome man, loved by all. A wonderful father and husband. I'm thankful for the time I had with him. God bless you all.


I have not lost a spouse but I lost my only brother at 47 years of age. It was the first death of an immediate family member that I ever experienced, it was sudden, terrible and unexpected. I thought I would break in pieces on the floor. I felt like I would never smile again and never be able to enjoy music or sing again. I want to share this because I too wished I was dead so I could be with my brother, who I never ever imagined living life without. To the ladies and gentlemen who shared their hearts here with their stories, I just want to share with you that it took me a good 3 years before I even started to feel like my heart was starting to heal. Give yourselves time. Suicide and/or death is not the answer. Time will heal your broken hearts, I promise. It's been 14 years since my brother died and I still think about him every day but life has gone on. It will never be the same but there is happiness to come. I promise.


<p>My husband died April 4,2012.. Not only was that the worst day of my life but it's my birthday. I was 14 and he was 16 when we started dating 18 years ago. We have 2 beautiful children together, a 9 year old son and an 11 year old daughter.. And I couldn't ask for 2 better kids, and it breaks my heart everyday to look into their little eyes and think of the pain and hurt they have suffered this past year... I dont know how to live without him. Im doing the best I can to keep things together for our kids, but it's all I can do not to break down on a daily basis. When will it get better, will I ever feel normal again?? Thank you for your post. I dont have anyone to talk to about this that understands what im going through.. This April will be a year I've had to live without the love of my life and my kids have had to live without their daddy. What do I do?? And will the lumps in my chest and throat ever go away when I talk about him?? I cant help but break down when someone mentions his name. If someone can help me cope with this in anyway, he was only 34 years old when he died.. Why did he have to leave us?? And how will I ever make it through this and hold it together for my children?? Its really sad sometimes because I find myself crying and my babies are comforting me, its my job to comfort them and make them feel better. Where do i go from here?? Does this make me a bad mommy?? What do i do now.</p>