Never In A Million YearsI miss my husband so much. We only got married in June of this year. I've had mental health troubles all my life and I thought they were improving so I took a chance on dating someone again. We were pretty happy for 4 years. We had some ups and downs. I went through three major surgeries and landed a dream job. He got his PhD and started his own company. We made it through so much together.
The mental health issues got worse after the wedding. I think the wedding stress with all of the families coming together and the stupid gender roles and the money spent just pushed me too far. I knew I didn't want to have a wedding, and that it would be hard on me emotionally. I didn't think it would permanently ruin us.
We are getting divorced soon. I have decided that it is for the best, because I am a live grenade. I can't trust myself around people because I hurt them, and living the life of a monk is the best thing for me. It may not be the most fulfilling but it is the safest.
I've been living in a hotel for the last few days while this decision solidifies. I decided I will make it very easy for him. I will do all of the unpleasant phone calling and he can keep the cats and any furniture or dishes he wants. He doesn't have to pay me a dime. We don't have kids thank goodness. He can keep all of his hard earned money. I'll take out a loan to finish grad school. It's a math degree so I'll be able to get a good job after I'm done to pay it back, even in this economy. We don't even own a house together. I didn't change my name. We can both walk away from this like it never happened and he can have a chance to heal and maybe someday open up his heart to someone who treats him the way he deserves.
I'm heading off to a long term treatment center soon. I will never get to a point where I can have mature, deep, emotional intimacy with anyone but I can get myself enough help to be functional. I can focus on my career and making the world a better place and for that I don't have to have a relationship, or even friends. I can network and have co-workers and acquaintances and no one will have to know what I'm really like. Life really doesn't matter in the end. It doesn't matter what you do. In the end, I will die and as long as I lived my life as light on the Earth as possible and as long as I was as good to people as I could be, what I have personally doesn't matter.
I hope someday I can internalize these truths, so that I remain on solid ground.
But I still miss him. This is my silent wish to him -- I love you, and I am sorry for what I did to your life. You are a beautiful human being, and far too important to the world to be taken down by someone like me. Carry on, adventurer. I'll be thinking of you often.