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Never In A Million Years

I miss my husband so much. We only got married in June of this year. I've had mental health troubles all my life and I thought they were improving so I took a chance on dating someone again. We were pretty happy for 4 years. We had some ups and downs. I went through three major surgeries and landed a dream job. He got his PhD and started his own company. We made it through so much together.

The mental health issues got worse after the wedding. I think the wedding stress with all of the families coming together and the stupid gender roles and the money spent just pushed me too far. I knew I didn't want to have a wedding, and that it would be hard on me emotionally. I didn't think it would permanently ruin us.

We are getting divorced soon. I have decided that it is for the best, because I am a live grenade. I can't trust myself around people because I hurt them, and living the life of a monk is the best thing for me. It may not be the most fulfilling but it is the safest.

I've been living in a hotel for the last few days while this decision solidifies. I decided I will make it very easy for him. I will do all of the unpleasant phone calling and he can keep the cats and any furniture or dishes he wants. He doesn't have to pay me a dime. We don't have kids thank goodness. He can keep all of his hard earned money. I'll take out a loan to finish grad school. It's a math degree so I'll be able to get a good job after I'm done to pay it back, even in this economy. We don't even own a house together. I didn't change my name. We can both walk away from this like it never happened and he can have a chance to heal and maybe someday open up his heart to someone who treats him the way he deserves.

I'm heading off to a long term treatment center soon. I will never get to a point where I can have mature, deep, emotional intimacy with anyone but I can get myself enough help to be functional. I can focus on my career and making the world a better place and for that I don't have to have a relationship, or even friends. I can network and have co-workers and acquaintances and no one will have to know what I'm really like. Life really doesn't matter in the end. It doesn't matter what you do. In the end, I will die and as long as I lived my life as light on the Earth as possible and as long as I was as good to people as I could be, what I have personally doesn't matter.

I hope someday I can internalize these truths, so that I remain on solid ground.

But I still miss him. This is my silent wish to him -- I love you, and I am sorry for what I did to your life. You are a beautiful human being, and far too important to the world to be taken down by someone like me. Carry on, adventurer. I'll be thinking of you often.
betafish betafish 31-35 3 Responses Dec 6, 2012

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.....like it never happened? My heart aches for you! ...in sickness and and health. The first six years of my marriage was a train wreck! I was mentally unstable , diagnosed with Lupus, had two babies, blood clots encephalitis twice! Here we are nine years later ....almost got a divorce...almost committed suicide......almost doesn't count. Remember the vows you spoke as you looked him in the eye that day that YOU and HIM said YES!

If you have the chance to reunite with him, I would suggest that you do so. Life is full of ups and downs. You speak as if you are permanently flawed. Not true. Things change and people learn and grow. Your issues now are not the issues you will have 10 years from now, or even 2 years from now. I hope you reconsider if you have the opportunity.

this is powerful..love it..its who i am
my husband should leave me... he is a great humanbeing while im not... im a drag..i dnt deserve to live

YES, you DO deserve to live..
YES, you are a GREAT person..
YES, there is good in EVERYONE....

Find that good...it is there...