Needing To Stay, Wanting To Go

My husband of 31 years died in my arms on January 24, 2013.

His was a short, terrible illness, with multiple surgeries, interventions, and the misery of my reserved husband having to give over his privacy and modesty to the wonderful staff who assisted in his care. The staff loved him, and I loved them for loving him.

We had no children, which was a great sorrow to me. He was not troubled by this, as he always said "You are the best thing that ever happened to me. If it is only just us, that will be enough."

I just want to be with him. He was my joy, my deepest love, my true heart mate. He was the smartest, kindest, most logical and moral man I have ever met, and that is saying something!

I would never put my elderly parents and his even more elderly father (95 years old the day after my husband's funeral) through the trauma of having me commit suicide; I am their guardian, and I must stay here to keep them safe.

I would also not want to burden local health care workers and police with having to deal with my suicide.

I get up each day, make a few calls to sort out our affairs,  then go back to bed. I pray to die in my sleep.

Valita84 Valita84
56-60, F
4 Responses Feb 9, 2013

Thank you. I am nothing special, but our love was. I am lucky; I know that.

Hi Dear,so much apriciate your love for your husband,your kindness,faithfulness,and your suffering in absence of dear husband,It show how examplary your marriage was and still mean for you guys.Such loving relations are so less now a days and. So many people long to be in such devoted&loving marriage realationship,one should be very fortunate. People who miss such relationship and. Devotion for thier soul mate ,are in search of such loving partnership.For many it never happens even how good we are prepared for it,simply luck doesnt let it happen.Life is too short to keep on dreaming and searching.Lucky are those who got it at early age to cherish the life.

I appreciate your support, and the suggestions to journal. My life, as I knew it, is over. I will find a way to deal with that, a little at a time.

Thank you. Your kindness means more than I can say.

Words can not express the condolence I wish to say. Just know that you are loved, there is a reason to live life to its fullest, and don't let anybody tell you how or how long to grieve. Begin slowly with a gratitude journal, writing down one thing each day that you are grateful for. Some days are pretty bleak and you may only be happy for the warmth of the sun on your face, but persevere.