I Miss My Kid / Ptsd

i was 22 when i had my first of two daughters. i refused to stay with the father because of his anger, and his volatile reactivity to my growing depression as i was pregnant like this. since then, i believe he has worked a lot on himself... but i'm glad i don't have to be with him.
anyway, i had my second only after i was married. this marriage was worse than i could have ever believed. i stayed too long because i thought i needed to know i had done everything that i could before i left a marriage.. and i didn't realize it was going to affect me the way that it did. i though i could see his violence, and his suddenly out-of-remission- addictions, for what they were, and that he could be helped. i had no idea. i left and cut off all contact when my second daughter was a one year old. he ended up going to prison for a few years and i remained in the same city, sharing custody with the first Dad of my older daughter.
when i finally became willing to try another serious relationship, about two years later.. thats when i found out i had C-PTSD. i was like a soldier who had been suddenly dropped back off in vietnam. apparently the Complex- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was very severe. I tried to go to support groups and group therapy, but these other people weren't suffering in the same way that i was (thank God) and i felt they had no solutions for me. i assume there actually are many vets who know it well, but their services would be provided through the VA, which i didn't have access to. still, more vets have died from suicide than died in combat. I waited on a long waiting list for a grant funded program and started EMDR (which is part of the therapy the veterans undergo) and individual counseling with a trauma specialist. I began accepting medication to help "stabilize" me, and then became so severely suicidal i agreed to go inpatient while they made some adjustments. it was a living hell. it was worse than the initial abuse in some ways. and i still had two little girls to care for.
in time, i started doing much better. and then the day came that i learned of his early release from prison. i fell apart with the letter in my hand. i needed to function i could not go back to feeling unsafe. i decided to move out of state. the first father was not going to let me just take my older daughter. my friends told me needed to go, that if i didn't i would be neglecting the needs of my children. they came in shifts and packed up my house. my godparents arranged for a uhaul and a place to live in my childhood city. the first father and i submitted our agreement with the court that i could move yet maintain shared custody, have every spare day from her school schedule, and return to a 50/50 parenting schedule if i were to return. and we got in a uhaul and drove away. summer was great, but i haven't been able to afford every three day weekend i wanted to. i miss her desperately. desperately. and i don't know how to completely let myself be happy because i am a failure as a mother. i hate always having to explain that i have a child in another state. people always look at me like i must have been a drug addict... what mother would have a child in another place?? of course i will never deny that she exists, and i run into it every day as i talk and meet people. "oh, you have TWO kids?" i hate my shame and guilt only slightly less than i hate being apart from her. we talk about her all the time. my younger daugter draws pictures for her every day and talks about her constantly. i feel broken. i feel like i should feel broken with the bad choices i made. i feel like a failed mother, a failed human being, and i just want my kid back.
o0okateo0o o0okateo0o
31-35, F
2 Responses May 20, 2012

I could relate so much to what you're going through. Please message me. I'll share more in the message. i think we could be good online friends ok. God bless. Hug hug

you're not a bad mother and definitely not a failed human being if you were you wouldn't care about your children you had to get out of there i wish i had your strength i'm in an abusive marriage that i can't leave you're a strong woman i hope everything works out for you and your family god bless you all

thank you so much for your comment! it always means so much to me when someone still says i'm a good mom. i cant even tell you!!
i do understand being in the marriage. as someone who has been there i would help however i can, even if you're not ready or able to leave yet. i didn't mention it. but i also went to another support group for the domestic violence, and they were really understanding about helping women who were still in the abusive relationship. we understood that sometimes it is incredibly difficult, financially impossible, and likely very dangerous to try to leave. that was the case for me, too. but with readiness, help, and careful planning, it became possible. good luck to you, and god bless. my heart goes out to you. thank you, again.

you're welcome and thank you so much