Please Help I Miss My Kids

I am a 37 year old male going thru a very painful divorce with two beautiful kids .  I have been experiencing massive depression and also at times having uncontrollable crying episodes.  I miss my kids so much.  I am so stuck on the things that I am going to miss about them.  I also feel like a failure because we are going thru this.

I could not imagine staying married to their mother any longer.  I have been going thru the motions for at least 5 years.  I waited so long to get divorced because of this fear..............  Please help---I'M STUCK IN A RUT!!!!

many months later

October 18,2010

Thanks for the two comments.  I really liked the second one.  No thanks to the first one of staying married.  I continue to move along in life.  The fact that I don't see my kids as much as I want to SADDENS ME!!!!!    I miss them so much. 

I'm really afraid that I am setting my kids up for failure.  The fact that they will come from a broken home really sickens me.  I could  not have stayed with their mother any longer.  I do not love her. 
kab72 kab72
4 Responses Jul 26, 2010

What do you say these days, Kab, getting any better? Would love to hear from you...going through the same thing, and near the same age....

My wife and I separated almost exactly three years ago. In our case, it wasn't my idea, but hers. I ended up moving to a larger city about 400 miles away. It was a very painful decision for me, for all of the reasons you have written. I too worried about the effect it would have on my kids (then 4 and 7). I worried about hurting them, and I also felt like the biggest loser in the world for leaving (even though I didn't really have much choice).<br />
<br />
What I found was the opposite, really. Yes, it sucks to be far away from my children, but in a way I think I've become a better father and our relationship has probably improved because of this. My marriage was pretty bad--not violent or even conflictual, but loveless. I found that being farther away meant that I had to be much more intentional about seeing my kids. I couldn't take them for granted. I have worked very hard to talk to them every day, and to visit at least every few weeks. I fought hard for a fair visitation schedule in my divorce, and took advantage of every opportunity to see them.<br />
<br />
And, perhaps more importantly, I used this as an opportunity to work on myself. I found a good therapist, and worked on the issues of self-esteem and poor communication that had led me to accept being in a dead marriage for so long. Everyone, including my children, noticed me becoming happier and more myself.<br />
<br />
In a perfect world, couples would grow together and live in peace and harmony, raising happy children in perfect little homes. But that's not reality. I truly believe that children are better off when their parents are happy and healthy, and that children with "happily divorced" parents are better off than kids living in unhappy marriages. You can still be a father even though you are not a husband.<br />
<br />
My advice: Don't give up being a father. Fight for your rights, if you have to. Use the pain and lonliness to help you know what is important to you. You children will see that they can choose to be happy healthy people, just like you.

I know exactly how you are feeling as I myself feel the same. My wife and I have been married for sixteen years, we had a very stormy relationship the last seven years and it was her that started 90% of all arguments and she agrees. I stayed in that same life for years for the love of my kids and family life which was good, in fact whilst we were out or sat doing family things it was fantastic! Eventually the arguments took a lot out of me and I had no choice but I had to go. Twenty months down the line I have met somebody else and on that side of things everything is fine. I don't see my kids half as much as I would like to but it's the little things that I miss the most, just sitting down and watching TV, everyday little chit chat and saying morning and goodnight. I'm missing so much now it's untrue, I also get depressed about it and feel as though I could just bust into tears at any given moment, little things can set me off like a rack of DVDs and seeing one that we enjoyed watching together. The self torture about family life that I miss and obviously the life with my kids I had. It doesnt matter how many children you have, one, two or five, me personally I have two girls 16 and 14 and the self torture doesn't end. I very often think about grandchildren, how often will I see them (right now I'm looking through tears at my keyboard) all girls take to thier Mums for guidance with kids we all know that, I just feel as though not only am I missing a big part of my childrens life but my grandkids will only know me as a name, Grandad. My wife will no doubt move on and maybe marry again and her partner will see everything that I want to, maybe they will call him Grandad? I still love my wife but our relationship was impossible, I've lost my kids and my whole life was turned upside down. Many women talk about how bad things are being on their own with the kids, but being on your own without kids is far worse, but that's only my point of view. Maybe all my future worries regarding grandchildren may be that I'm just torturing myself too much now and things will be fine. I hope it will be a matter of time so I can get on with things, but it's not got any better as yet.

hi,<br />
<br />
the first thing that came to my mind is "about your wife" dont call her their mother, she is your wife after all... fill that space that is causing you this problem, that missing link is damaging a part of your kids future...depression in life can lead to many serious cases of illnesses, why? because it will be a factor of immune deficiency, can you imagine that? pls... I got your point, but if divorce will just give you a heavy heart, because its a given fact that you will certainly be missing your kids, then why go into that very ungodly way? pls, for the love of your children and their respect for the both of you... do something in your marriage, if you had cause this trouble since your the man, be man enough to stand firmly and fill the gaps, if she's the one then she's your wife after all, theres always a way, and to each problem a good solution can be magnified amillion times "if you can humble both yourselves to settles this matter with all your heart and soul, after all your family's well being is in your hands, "we always have a choice" absolutely! but there is a recommendation in the BIBLE that we must choose the good things in life, your children will appreciate all of these someday soon... pls fight your "selfish ways" you will just impute to your children s mind and heart "anger" as they grow older, they will always remember that they are "a product of a broken home"<br />
then maybe or I hope so not, they will just follow your ways, a broken home has so many negative effects to young people, they will loose such confidence a lot, you see my friend, this is the logic in my words for you, a happy home stills encounter many problem on bringing up kids, see? its a happy home for all you know... much more in the case of a broken family?! <br />
<br /><br /><br /><br />
<br />
I give you these websites, my friend go to this sites and you can find the best of the solution ever imaginable! <br />
<br />
thank you very much for giving me an opportunity to help you!<br />
<br />
andrew h. lee<br />