It's Been 3 Years and I Only Have Myself to Blame

This will probably read like big jumbled mess.  That's what I feel like right now being that it's 2 am and I can't sleep right now because I am Desperatly missing my kids.  I happened  upon this website looking up "I miss my kids" and so I just signed up... so forgive me if it seems all crazy and out of order. 

6 and a half years ago, I made the hardest decision.  One no one should ever have to make.  I left my 3 wonderful babies with their Dad because they were better off with a 2 parent home with a step-mom who could be there for them.  I was working 40 plus hours a week on a graveyard shift, one in school and then I got really sick and without lots of money or an insurance plan, you don't go to a Dr. unless you're dying!  They were 3, 5, and 7 and now they are 9, 11, and 13!  I have missed soooooooooo much of their lives already. 

He didn't really deserve this as I had previously moved 1200 miles from where we were to within 50 miles of him,  so that they could have visitation with him, 2 months later he called me at work to tell me that he was going to move, 800 miles away.  I was not only angry about this, I was devastated.  I felt like he was rejecting his very own children, who cares about me, the money I spent, looking for a new job, etc...none of that compares to the hurt my children felt.  They mean everything to me!

I want you to understand why & how I could leave them...during this 2 months I could tell that their step-mom was loving and kind toward the boys. She was a SAHM they had a 2 yr old son of their own.  I honestly think was stuck in the middle of a nervous breakdown for about a year.  I even had a friend ask if I was on METH....I was horrified but it let me to a lot of thinking about my behavior and in prayer I came to understand that it was the right thing to do.  Children deserve to know BOTH of their parents, regardless of the feelings the parents have toward each other.   I hated him even at that very moment but I didn't let that stop me from encouraging them to love their dad!  

He has taken every advantage to the point of moving when ever and where ever he wants.  He has refused to be reasonable about visitation considering distance and the costs I have to pay!  His mother was like this also...she did this and worse to him and his siblings.  My parents were divorced as well but there was no conflict about stuff.  We were allowed any and all visitation we wanted and even when we lived a few hundred miles apart every effort was made by both my parents for visits!

My kids and I, we have no privacy in phone calls, letters or any communication, we never have...I didn't even know it for the first year or so...everything is monitored by their step-mom!  It was less than 7 months after they moved there that my children were calling her mom.  They tried to tell me the kids wanted to do it but you cannot tell me that any 7 yr old is going to do that after less than a year, if they ever do.  I know that's not how it happened and on top of that my ex and I had previously agreed never to ask our children to call someone else Mom or Dad! 

I am now married to a great guy, we have a 4 yr old son together.  I still live live in the same state I always have and my children are now telling me that they are probably gonna move again soon.  I am so frustrated and angry at myself for trusting that he would eventually (Sooner, rather than later)  do the right thing.  Oh how I wish I knew how to make MILLIONS so I could afford to fight this. I can wait though, I will get my day in court...when, I don't know!  I trust that God is working that out!  I know that if I didn't have God, I wouldn't be alive today to write this because the first year the kids were away I lived in what I call, an unconscious suicide misson and there's only one explanation for how it ended with me being alive!  The GOD of the BIBLE!!!

God is Good, he is Just!


Anyway thanks for reading this

OH and if you happen to be their Dad or know it's the truth and I hope it hits hard on your heart that you would keep the children away from a mother that loves them with all her heart and is willing to do WHATEVER it takes to do the right thing, even if it's the worst thing for me!

peace4allkinds peace4allkinds
7 Responses Jul 14, 2008

I simpathize with your situation. My husband had the same problem but in the end I found his children (grown up) on Facebook and now they realize the trueth about what had happened (one even lived with us for a while and knows we are not like what her mother said we were) and he has a great relationship with them now. Stay strong and they will come home.

You are not alone. You actually thought about what was best for your children and not yourself. You should be heralded for being selfless. Your kids will one day understand your decisions. I respect you and the path you are one - you will never be judged by me.
Stay strong!

i know exactly how u feel and i hope n pray things get better for you.I know how bad it hurts to be without your kids.

I can feel your pain. I am going through th e same things but with a different circumstance. In the end me and my family trusted their father only for him to be controlling about everything and trying to keep them away from me as much as possible. Its been 4-5 years for me and im still fighting...its gard..I no...I cry myself to sleep everynight. But please dont give up...don't ever let your babies think you gave up on them by not doing everything in your power to fight back. Its a very long and hard process but in the end ut will be beyond worth it...I have faith and it sound as if you di as well...if we keep fighting something has to give.

i would never give my children away! i dont care what i had to do!

I had a similiar situation. Even money can't fight this. I talked to 11-15 different lawyers and got the same answer. Its going to cost x-amount of money and no guarantee's. A day didn't go by that I didn't cry for my daugher. I was missing it so much that it hurt. Depression meds didn't even help take the pain away. I did what was best for my daughter at the time, trusting her dad would do the best for her too. He blocked all of my communications with her for many years. I sought counseling. The counseler said to me that there would be a day she will be old enough and strong enough to break away and call me. That call came finally came. My friend, someday you will have your day. I promise you that. But you'll indure alot of heartache in the process. Just keep working on yourself and never give up. I wish I could take away your pain. Moms always put their kids safety and best interest first and thats what we did. Love shouldn't hurt.