You Can Go Now

“It’s okay, honey.  You can go now.  Just go, sweetie.  I’ll be fine.”  I choked back tears as I repeated this over and over again during the wee hours of the morning.


“I don’t know how I’ll make it, but I will.  Just please don’t leave me.  Please don’t ever leave me.  But I know you need to go now and you should.  Please just watch out for me.”  The tears were flowing freely down my face now, though I don’t really remember it.  All I could do was hold his hand and watch his chest rise and fall.


“I love you, sweetheart.  I’ll always love you.  You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I love you so much.  But now it’s your time to move on.  It’s okay.  I promise.  I’ll be okay.  You can go now.”


I couldn’t stop touching his face.  Running my hands through his hair… his eyebrows… his goatee.  I needed to feel the warmth of his cheeks against my face… feel the rise of his chest against my own. 


I needed to see those baby blue eyes again but I couldn’t.  They were already gone from me.  They had left days earlier at home.  Never again would they look into my eyes and say “I love you” without words.


Then he was gone.  His chest stopped rising.  His face went limp.  His lips quickly took on a bluish hue.  I felt him leave.  I knew he was gone.


I laid my body against his for the last time and held him as close as I could.  How could I ever let go?


There are no words to describe the sound that escaped my lips… a sound that rose from the depths of my soul. 


It’s that sound.  That piercing, wailing, gut wrenching sound that wakes me at night.  I wake screaming for him.  Please don’t leave.  I don’t care if you’re ready to go or not.  Please don’t leave me.  You promised you’d never leave me.  I love you.  I love you so much.


It’s been 3 years since he passed.  It’s only in looking back that I can see how far I’ve truly come. 


I know my life will never be the same.  I know I’m blessed for all that I have and for the love he and I shared.  There are times when I feel him with me, holding me from the inside.


It’s just that sound that still haunts me.  I lay awake at night going over his final hours on this Earth again and again. 


How do I move past that sound?  How do I get over his final moments?  How do I let him just be gone in peace? 


There is a part of me that is gone forever.  I miss that part of me as much as I miss him.

dmlc dmlc
5 Responses Mar 26, 2009

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I don't think we ever get over them... I don't think it ever gets "better"... I think we just learn to live with the hole in our being.<br />
<br />
On April 6th it will be 3 years since Mark left. We had the most wonderful relationship. Words can't describe the loss... what it has done to me... how it's changed me... what I long for... yearn for...<br />
<br />
I had just turned 40 and he 48 when he passed. I felt way too young to be a widow. I felt like the only person who could possibly understand what it all felt like... but I was wrong. There are way too many of us... old and young alike... all grieving the passing of our loved ones.<br />
<br />
I went to a bereavement group for quite a while and it was very helpful. I can see now how far I've come since he's been gone. <br />
<br />
There are so few options when faced with a loss like this... sit still and sink further and further into that abyss of darkness... or cry and scream your way through it until you see the light again.<br />
<br />
My life will never be the same. I will always love him and miss him terribly. But each day when I get up I feel blessed to see another sunrise... hear the birds chirp... feel the sun's rays upon my face... it's the small things that can keep you going.<br />
<br />
Give yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to grieve fully... using what techniques work for you. There is no right way... no wrong way... do what you need to find your way.<br />
<br />
The most important lesson I learned was to believe. Believe he's with me. Believe we'll be together again. Believe that I'm still here... without him... for a reason.<br />
<br />
Peace.<br />

I too lost my husband to brain aneurysm. He was only 28 years. he passed away on the 18th Feb 09. May he rest in peace. <br />
<br />
I am crying so bad just reading your story as mine was similar! I truely understand you. how did you make it through? I dont know what to do, I am so heart broken. I have two little girls one just turned 4 and the other 2. I just want to vanish just want to die.

I know that feeling, and years after he passed, 11 years this year...i still am in mourning. I often ask why I was blessed with such a wonderful person just to have him ripped from me...why did I have to love just to lose so soon after?<br />
Now i find myself sticking with a man who doesn't love me and I think maybe im cursed. I wish John was still here, i would have never gone through this. But he's not and i must accept my fate.<br />
You are in my thoughts.

OMG... I am truly sorry that you had to endure such emotional pain, with the loss of your husband. I think you are already on your road to letting go. It's not an overnight process, it will take some time. You are in good hands, and your faith will take you pass the time. Letting go is a day-to-day process. You hear his last breath, because that is the last memory you have of him. Not the last memory, but I mean the very last day of his life here on this planet. There's never a right time to say goodbye. You will be okay and soon his last breath will become very faint and you will be okay. He will always be in your heart and soul. I wish you the best. I can only imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry for your lost. :) Cheer up. <br />
<br />

May you find PEACE