My Heart Is Broken

It was the start of december 09, and i have just recieved my rota for the month and i was not impressed i was working flat out 13 hour night shifts in this god forsaken security job, but atleast i had mum that i could chat too, like i did twice a day everyday for the last 23 years since i left home. On christmas day i manged to scive off work for 4 hours to have christmas dinner with mum, it was great to be with her. I could not get out of working over the new year celebrations or even on new years day, but i was able to phone and chat instead. I was in work again on the 4th january 2010 and at 0330hrs on the 5th i got a call from the hospital to tell me that mum was in and that she needed me, i arranged cover and went to her. This is where my worst nightmare came true! I asked mum what is the matter? She said "i need you to be strong", i knew from that moment this is not good. Mum told me that she has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, well that was it i knew, i couldnt help my actions i broke down it uncontrolable tears, i know i had to be strong and be there for her, but i could not help it. After a while i collected myself together and we chatted for hours and hours about life in general not mentioning the recent news. A day later on the 6th January 2010, we spoke with the oncologist and were told that it was possible to treat the cancer with cemotherapy and it would possibly slow not cure the cancer down and might give mum an extra 3 years to live, this was great news and mums spirits were lifted. The doctor said that a biopsy would be needed of the liver to determine what strength of cemo would be needed and the next day the 7th jan she had it done. On the 8th jan 2010 she was allowed home and i took compassionate leave to stay with mum, but things started to go wrong. She started to fall asleep all the time, could not eat or drink and 3 days went by and the district nurse came in to see mum this was the 11th january 2010, the nurse phoned the doctor and then the doctor came straight out and examined mum and made the decision to send mum back to hospital as an emergency. Mum ended up back on the ward and at this time she was in and out of concousness and the doctors led me into the relatives room and broke the news to me that mum has taken a nose dive  has not got long to live, my be only hours, well you can imagine me at this point i was a physical wreck. I went back to mum and at this point she was in her own room, where i stayed by her bedside day and night and wouldt leave her side, just like a lap dog to there owner. I was trying to feed her, bath her and comfort her in all the ways possible, chatting to her about all the nice memories of growing up and the days out we had and also holding on to her hand, occasionally kissing her on her face and hand. on the 17th january 2010 the doctors came to me after examining mum and said that if i needed to tell mum something to get a response back now is the time, so i wrote a verse for her and read it to mum in which she held my hand and squeezed it to tell me that she heard me, this is the verse-







MY MUM


 


YOU GAVE BIRTH TO ME


YOU BROGHT ME UP


YOU PROTECTED ME


YOU NURSED ME


YOU HELPED ME


YOU DRIED MY TEARS


YOU KISSED ME


YOU GUIDED ME


YOU MADE ME LAUGH


YOU DRESSED ME


YOU FED ME


YOU HELD ME


YOU SUPPORTED ME


YOU STOOD UP FOR ME


YOU STOOD BY ME


YOU BELIEVED IN ME


YOU ADVISED ME


BUT MOST OF ALL YOU LOVE AND LOVED ME


HOW CAN I EVER MATCH ALL THAT YOU ARE


YOU ARE THE BEST MUM I COULD EVER WISH FOR


 


I LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL


 


 


JULIAN


XXX


 


On the 19th January at 0728 hours mum died with me still clutching her hand, on the 29th january 2010 i cremated her and here i am now feeling like


somebody has ripped my heart out, i cant get my head round it, i havent even been able to cry, mourn or grieve for her, but missing mum more and more


i loved and love her so much. I even thought about taking my own life to be with her, but mum would go mad if she knew i was thinking that way.


I thankyou for reading this and opologise now for any errors or wrong spelling.  jools1 xxx


 


 

jools1 jools1
36-40, M
Feb 13, 2010