I Really Miss Her.

i see you haven't been on here in months. i hope you're doing ok:)

Thank you :) Well, My birthday came and went, it over all was a great birthday, she was never far from my mind..Her Birthday is tomorrow, Im not sure how it will go... maybe if no one mentions the date.. ahah. i'll be okay. its just so crazy.. she would be 46 tomorrow

i've found that i seesaw between my good days and bad ones, in the beginning as well as now. just take it one day at a time and i'm here for you whenever you want to talk :)

Wow. That is so crazy. My Fiance threw me a party yesterday.. then we went out all night. I was a pretty good day, i didnt cry at all. the night before was worse. But her birthday is Tuesday, im back at the same routine of getting thru today... staying strong for tomorrow. .. Thanks for chatting it really helps :)

ah, that would be rough with all those special occasions coming up together. my first b-day without her was tough but some friends and family threw me a surprise party and that helped some. my b-day, hers, mothers day etc, all those special days can still be hard on me even now. september can be a hard month for me. she died sept 28th and i lost my grandmother almost exactly 10 years earlier, so that's not one of my best months of the whole year. some years are better than others but i usually find myself in a funk in sept and oct, her birth month.

if you dont mind me asking, how did you get thru your 1st birthday without her... my birthday is tmw (may 1st) and her bday is may 4th... then mothers day is coming fast, its hard to deal with all at once.. but at least its not over the corse of every few mths.. i get all 3 RIGHT in a row..

you're right, it may not have been easier if they had died at an older age, but they would have seen more and experienced more than what they got to. my mom was such a good grandmother and it pains me that my younger niece, who was born 6 years after she died, didn't get the chance to experience that. from either of her grandmothers. her mother's mom also died at a young age.

Yeah Seriously! I dont think it would have been any easier if she were older, but at least she would have been able to do more, and see more things... like my wedding and my children and stuff. It just stinks :(

oh that's so young and scary too. that's just 2 years older than i am now. i guess we were lucky to have them as long as we did but i wish it would have been a hell of a lot longer.

Yeah I know exactly how that feeling is, My mom was only 45.. I feel the same way

don't apologize for going on and on, i think it's good for you and i can certainly relate. between the time of diagnosis and moms death was about 21 months, not long at all. she went pretty quick and i'm thankful for that. i've seen many people with cancer fight it for years, go into remission only to have it return and i'm glad she didn't have that rollercoaster ride. i also can relate to your feelings of being there for your mom more than others and how that can mske you feel resentful. when mom got sick i was only 21 and i seemed to be the only one of my sibilings that could handle the situation so there was very little that i could avoid in the way of details, dr appointments etc. i had my feelings of resentment but in the end i didn't hold it against them because i knew we were all suffering. i think one of the hardest things for me to accept about her death was the fact that she didn't live to a ripe old age being only 51 when she died. i always felt that i would have dealt with it better if she had been 71 or 81, you know? by dying at 51 i feel we were all cheated. i have accepted it more but it's something i still struggle with from time to time.

Yeah, My Mom had a lung disease called IPF. *idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis* Its very rare, but some how she got it.. She was diagnosed in May 2008. By Jan 2009 She was on 02 full time. and like i said She passed away in Dec. She went down hill fast (I think) But she could have had it for YEARS. It was pretty bad right before she went into the hospital. ALTHOUGH, when she went into the hospital, she was doing VERY good. SO much better then at home. On the 23rd they even said they were going to release her on the 24th to a rehab center so she could be closer to home and build her strength up. But On the 24th she was just in alot of pain in her knees, didn't sleep at all the night before. She just wasn't getting enough oxygen through out her her body. My ONLY regret was that i wasn't there when it happened. I was at home getting things ready for Christmas. I got a phone call at 6:50 and the lady said she was having a little trouble and they were taking her to ICU. So i TOOK MY TIME getting ready to go..Drove like crazy trying to get there, and by the time i got there they were working on her, but she was already gone.. they said they could keep "here" as long I needed for Family to arrive. But When i asked to go see her, they told me no. i threw a FIT because She is my mother and didn't want to be alone. SO the Dr said that if i thought i was strong enough. And when the Dr and i walked in, a man came out and said that there wasn't anything more he could do. And he was going to stop trying. I still went into see her... It was weird, i cried more when the Doctor told me She wasn't going to make it, then when she actually was gone. I have good days and Bad. Sometimes Im Happy for the time we had, and sometimes im angry because it was cut short, and we spent the last year 24/7 thinking about it.. i was the ONLY one there for her. I took care of her, and at 22 years old that wasn't an easy task. I didn't know what i was doing, i wasn't a nurse or anything. no one seemed to care.. Im still very angry and upset with ALOT of people but i cant hang on to it.. Its tough. I Wish i was there for her just a little more. I spent 6hrs that morning with her from 7am until about 130. then i HAD to go..I dont get it.. NOTHING IN this world was more important then her.. i dont know what i had to get home to. Well, SORRY to keep going like this, it just felt good to tell someone.. it helps. :) thanks for "listening"





How long was your mom sick?

i was 23 when mom died. i know i when through a period where i found myself picking up the phone to call her, then remembered that i can't do that anymore. it is a messed up situation, no doubt. to tell the truth, i'm surprised sometimes that i've made it through. had your mom be ill, if you don't mind me asking? mine died from colon cancer.

WOW. that is EXACTLY how i feel! My mom was my best friend. we lived alone together for the past 7ish years. I literally asked her everything. I have questions everyday.. or something happens everyday and Im like. OH MAN I need to text her and tell her..... then it hits me.. and i just sit there like.. HOW ON EARTH DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER?! TO ME?! I just dont understand it....how old were you when your mom passed away?

that's right, take it a day at a time. hell i used to break it down to an hour, minute or second at a time, whatever i had to do to get through. it's really hard as i get older because i think of things i'd like to ask mom, things she would know the answer to and i'm not able to. it can be hell but i'm living proof that one can make it. congrats on your wedding :)

Thanks so much.. I used to think "When she dies, im going to go crazy, I wont make it" Then everyday that passes seems like, okay. you made it, you just have to make it through tomorrow.. And i tell my self that everyday. Time has helped, Im getting Married in Aug, so i've been trying to stay busy doing that.. but everytime try, its like, oh shes not here to help me or tell me what i should do..So its a bitter sweet time.

i'm so sorry for your loss and i know how you feel. even though my mom died 20 years ago, i have a feeling of being alone and a loss of security that i never quite regained. i didn't think i would be able to make it without her but somehow i've managed and i'm sure you will too. it may be a cliche but time does seem to help. you never get over it but you make it a part of your life and do whatever it takes to keep going. best of luck to you :)