Dear Mom...

I know you're aware that I struggle with faith, always have. I am finding that since you died, I have begun attending church (granted, it took years to get to THIS point). I find it interesting to learn about religion and am open to thinking I might have some overarching "parent" looking out for me since you and dad are both gone.

I talk to you often, but it's usually in my head. I think of you all the time because I miss you so much it hurts. I usually can't wait to go to sleep, hoping I see you in my dreams. I hate waking up when I have those dreams but I know I have to face the day. I like to think I make you proud just by being me... because that's what you allowed me to do. My goal is to be half the woman you were. If this is the case, I could die happy.

I want to address last night. I had such a great conversation with a friend about parents... my experience in the tragedy of losing you suddenly and unexpectedly versus watching dad slowly deteriorate from cancer. I knew I wanted to talk to you when I left. Turns out, last night was just a beautiful night for being December.

I suppose you know what happened if you were there and listening, so I'll tell this story for anyone who may be reading...

Before I tell this story, you should know that I have a thing with my mom and shooting stars. After she died, I went on a drive one night and couldn't stop crying. I stopped at one of my favorite places outside of the city where I lived... you could see stars for miles. I stepped out of the car, looked up, and saw the brightest shooting star I've ever seen. I said "Hey, mom. I love you too." That was all I needed. I got right back in the car and I left.

Last night, I was sitting on the trunk of my car, looking up at the stars. It seemed the clouds had parted so the stars were just... breathtaking. I usually look up at the stars at night before going into the house. But last night I just couldn't bring myself to go inside the house. That's when I started talking and eventually sat down. I was talking to my mom. I also entertained the idea of talking to God, even though I am not sure what I believe. But, from what I hear, he is forgiving and doesn't mind if you talk to him even if you're questioning his very existence. I was updating my mom on my life and told God I wasn't sure how I felt about him. I wanted a sign. I wanted a shooting star. I then proposed that you only see shooting stars due to a star dying and imploding on itself and exploding into the atmosphere millions of miles away (I was into that stuff in college and there's obviously a lot more detail involved). I told the God I don't really know or believe in him completely and that he should consult my mom... and I wanted to point out I wasn't going to wait outside for a shooting star because if I waited all night, that would defeat the purpose of actually seeing one. The conversation turned into this:

"You should probably talk with my mom... because she's my mom, and she knows me best. I understand you're supposed to know me better than anyone and know where I'm supposed to go in life and have a plan... blah blah... but maybe you could just work with my mom. Where are you, mom? I miss you so much."

And there is was. It was brief... but it was a shooting star. I don't know what I believe in. But I believe in my mom. And I know I saw that.

Mom, I miss you so much... sometimes, it hurts. It physically hurts. Something is missing... all the time.

I hope you're dancing, wherever you are. I love you so much.

Thank you for getting me to the point you did in my life before you died. I can't emphasize how much I appreciate you. You are my hero. I want to be as great of a person as you were. And I'm going to be... because of you.

I can't say it enough. I love you.
HubertTheLion HubertTheLion
2 Responses Dec 6, 2012

I love this story. I love the shooting star. My mom also passed, and I too hope she is proud of me just as I am. She raised me to be confident and independent. She was so loving and amazing. I hope to be even half as good a mom to my daughter as she was to me. I struggle with God too. I talk to him but its half hearted most of the time. I see signs from my parents all the time and always question them, but I like how you said "i believe i my mom". I need to believe in my signs because I also believe in my mom and dad. Thanks for sharing.

Sorry your mom passed on. Lovely story your mom must be proud and loves her daughter dearly.