Missing My Mom

It's been one of those days. I see something that reminds me of my Mom and the flood of emotions comes back. I miss talking on the phone with her. We used to see each other everyday and talk on the phone everyday. It is hard to believe we haven't done this since 2008. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a time warp and one day I will wake up and she will be here. It's so difficult to grasp the concept that they are here one minute and gone the next. My daughter saves me everyday though. I want to be the kind of Mom to her that my Mom was to me. She is so much like my Mom. My Mom would have spoiled her and I can often imagine them playing. They have the same crazy free spirited sense of humor and love to dance, paint, and be silly. Sometimes my daughter does something or says something and I still automatically think I need to call Mom to tell her about it. My counselor said 4 years ago that acceptance is the last phase of grieving.... I don't believe that is true. I think people tolerate the hurt and try to deal with it the best they can. What makes it worse is that my Mom wanted to live for us. She wanted to be there because she knew the heartache of losing a parent. (She had lost both of hers when she was 10 & 12.) I feel like I have lost a part of me. I also feel like I have lost my safety net or my security blanket per say. She always made everything better. Now I carry on for my daughter. So I can be all the things that she needs...it's still hard though and sometimes lonely.
Theresa812 Theresa812
31-35, F
3 Responses Dec 9, 2012

Stages of grief originated for patients that were given a diagnosis of a terminal illness and somehow migrated to losing a loved one. Stages don't make sense in something as catastrophic as the loss of a mother. Accepting that it happened is like stating the fact that it happened. You never get over losing your mom. The thought "oh my god, mom would love this" with the sensation to call doesn't end. That's the worst but most beautiful part of it all. I say beautiful because you still want to share the greatest (and sometimes worst) moments with the mother that you knew and still love. To me, that doesn't say you're in a stage. That says you had an amazing relationship that I'm sure you're already building with your daughter, because your mother is in you to do just that. I'm willing to bet your mom is so proud of you and who you've become, as well as the amazing things you're doing to raise your own daughter.

My Mom and Dad died tragically the night before my daughter was born. She would have been thier first Granddaughter. There is not a day that goes by that I dont look at her and mourn for our loss and thiers. She will never meet them and they will never meet her. I imagine them holding her, playing with her and just being able to look into her eyes for the first time. It kills me. I was not able to be there and hold thier hands. I was in the hospital having an emergency C section so I could get home to attend thier funerals. My daughter was three days old and we were in the car driving to a different state for the funeral. My mom had a closed casket so I never got to see her beautiful face again. I dont have any words to describe it. I was elated having my first child, and destroyed loosing my parents. Its been 9 months and I look back and dont know how I got through it. I feel like I am still in shock and cry everyday. I cry for them, my daughter, my family and me. I miss them so much. I feel scared, anxious and stressed all the time and know I have to be ok for my daughter. I keep a smile on my face all day and cry at night when she goes to bed. My heart breaks for you, because I know what you are going through. I feel the same way, I lost my security blanket, my Safety net. My mom was the only person I could call that would make me feel like everything was going to be ok. I would feel instantly better just hearing her voice. I need her the most now, because I have a child of my own and she is gone. Its so unimaginable to me still. I dont think I will ever fully be able to wrap my brain around it. People always say I am so strong to have gone through what I have gone through and I say, you dont have a choice, you have to get through each day and my strength comes from my child. She lifts me up everyday.

Sorry your mom has passed on. My mom passed away 21 years ago the pain and anger I felt has lessen over the years. Keeping the good memories and moments we shared makes it more bearable.