Without A Warning, When I Finally Thought Life Was About To Get Better For Me

There was nothing seriously wrong with her health or anything. she died in an accident, a car hit her while crossing the street. let me tell you the whole story. a month or so before, she was trying to get her drivers license. we've just moved here and she needs a license to help my dad. she knows how to drive but either gets nervous ( i know where i got that trait from) or something wrong goes on during the test. i helped her schedule the driving test for July 15, 2010. my sisters just came to visit us from egypt july 13th, they hadn't seen her in a year, since me and my brother moved. since i moved, i wasn't allowed to go out (other than for school) because my dad didn't let me. i hated it and was waiting for the moment my sisters come to take me out. my mom would take me out when she could, but she had to study as well. she was a superhero. she studied for me ( i didn't know how to study for myself) and for my brother ( who was even more lost than i was) and for herself ( she went to the american career college to get a degree and get a job) then also cook, clean, and take care of us. before we move here, when we were in egypt, it was only my mom doing all the work. my dad had been here as long as i can remember. he didn't really matter to me when i was little. anyways, back to july 13. it was great. my sisters were there and i would finally be able to go out with them since i have been only going to school lately, no where else. july 14 my mom showed my sisters the back yard and i asked, " so what are we doing for the weekend?" and my mom replies " we might not even be alive by then, always say if god wants so" next day,the 15TH, we hear a car has killed her before she gets to the career college. since then my life has changed, 180 to the opposite of what it used to be. I really miss the passion and love she made me feel. I miss how i could tell her everything. I miss her telling me that everything is going to be okay. i miss acting girly with her. i am crying while writing this, i wish she was here now. i can't love my dad as much as i loved her, i have only known him for 3 years. i want to cry whenever i look at how my life changed. i used to live with her, my 2 sisters, my brother, and my whole family (with the exception of my dad), and my friends. now look at me, i am here, only with my dad (who i do love, but sometimes really hate and don't love or trust as much) and my brother (the one thing that hasn't changed) i have no source of feeling this love and passionate care i am missing. my dad rarely tells me that everything is gonna be okay, he never understands me. its like i have been adopted by a relative that used to visit us sometimes in egypt. i was literarily that far away from him. now look at me. now he's my parent. he is the one that's cooking and taking care of us. look at me, i am in a new place, new people, no friends, no family, new school, new habits ( bad ones), and everything turned upside down nothing is the same anymore. I AM SO LONLEY. i miss her so much, i wish i was more respectful and loving to her. that is probably the only valuable lesson that came out of this tragedy. i tell the people i love that i do love them, i let them know. i treat them better now. i wish she was here, i really do. she stopped coming in my dreams. i need her more than ever through these teenage years. since teenage years are the ones where peoples personalities develop, her death made me a depressed human being. not because i disagree with her death, she is in a better place. but because of how lonely i am without her and how misunderstood i am without her. i wish i wouldn't be that alone, and i wish i was surrounded by people who understand me. and i wish i would've known what i had before i lose it. i miss her way to much and miss her hug more than any thing else in the world.
Shamandora Shamandora
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

I am so sorry. Your anguish is very clear. I hope you and your father become closer and together as a family you can remember all the good wonderful memories of your mother..that you can hug close foverever.

Thank you :)

Sorry your mom has passed on.