Priceless Words...My mom died suddenly, traumatically, and it happened 13 years ago when I was 11 years old. I was home schooled from day one. A girl who'd become my best friend moved far away. The same day she moved, my mother promised to buy me a horse, something I'd been begging for since I could talk..three days later I watched my mother die out in the middle of nowhere. I lost everything in a mater of hours. I've struggled since then, I've survived, fallen, and walked on. But feelings are ever evolving. It never ceases to amaze me how many times I can go "If mom was here, maybe...."
Maybe I would have someone to share a recipe with. Maybe I would have someone to talk to about my relationship problems. Maybe I wouldn't have moved so far away from what should have been my home, but now can never be. She would have taught me how to ride a horse, and I wouldn't have learned all alone. She would have gone on trail rides with me. Maybe I would have sang more...there would have been someone to ask when I didn't understand what was happening with my body. ...I wouldn't be so angry all the time. ...I wouldn't have cried so much during school and made more friends. .... Maybe she would have stopped the relationship with my ex, then I wouldn't have ended up raped, manipulated, and within moments of suicide. Maybe I wouldn't feel like some nights I am completely mental, with images of me screaming wretched at the top of my lungs in my head. Maybe I wouldn't have ended up beating myself up, scratching my skin off, just to make myself feel something since I become numb with pain.
But, these are my lowest points and I've lived.
While my mother promised me a horse, she fulfilled that promise from somewhere I can't reach. I met Excalibur when I was 12, and it was one of the few precious moments in my life when I felt her. Her presence, her hug, her love...I felt it all when I rode that horse for the first time. He didn't fill a void, he expanded my heart so I didn't feel it when I was around him. I lost him two weeks ago to old age. I've lost animals in my life, and I've lost loved ones. But loosing him.... I cried for a good week and a half whenever alone. Because it hurts so much to know that never has stepped in again. Why am I so young, and yet know so much about this sadness. Because this is my life, this is my struggle, and there is no reason, there is just how I react and perform.
There is something I've learned...These voids can not be filled. Your heart however, can expand. Love has a way, a way to make you feel again, all the positive things that she would have wanted for her little girl. I just took a detour.