Dealing With The Loss Of My Mom

I am 24 and lost my mother to liver cirrhosis 5 months ago. She was 54 years old. While I knew my mom had a drinking problem for the last 10 or so years, the severity of the situation never hit me until the end. There are so many things I find myself reliving, or wishing I had been done. Like being more forceful in getting her help. I'm not sure that anyone could have stopped the drinking, including her. It took over and had a hold on her life, and mine too. I refused to acknowledge the reality - that she was dying. Two weeks before she went into hospice care we got into an argument and I left my parents' house in tears because I told her I thought she was going to die, and she told me she was fine. Looking back it seems so much clearer. My mom was a beautiful person, inside and out. I know she loved me, my sister and my dad more than anything - more than herself. But I cannot understand why this happened when it was so senseless.

I have been back at work full time in a stressful job dealing with other people's tax problems. I manage a team of caseworkers who depend heavily on me. I have a lot of pressure on me from that and have not taken a break from work, let alone a vacation, since I came back on March 29. My mom died March 11.

I feel like I'm drowning in the grief but am not able to face it for so many reasons. I just don't know what to do or how to feel better. My mom's last few days at home haunt me constantly. People on the outside don't seem to even realize I'm grieving. I am really only writing this post now to find someone who has gone through this. I have never written a blog post, and definitely no where like this. Alcoholism is such a damaging and private disease even for those only affected by it. It is not exactly a light topic and only something I'll talk about with my twin sister and boyfriend. So I appreciate the outlet to vent. I miss and love my momma so much.
wishingandwondering wishingandwondering
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 7, 2013

there are stages to grief. when a loved one dies the first question asked is what could i have done. the answer is honestly nothing. when addiction is added to the equation it is truly nothing can be done. there will be anger towards your mother, that is normal, but in the end you will see this through and see her as the wonderful person you said she was. deep breathe there is healing ahead.

Thank you