It's only been a little over year since my mother walked out, and no one should ever have to brave that storm. I wonder still every day when it becomes easier.

She was my bestfriend, my sunshine, my mentor, my rock.
She had a tattoo on her wrist, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." Our special quote, with five birds representing her five children.

For sixteen years she was the best mom anyone could ever dream of. She was a full time super mom, which is what she's always wanted in life. She made sure we were always taken care of even when we were dirt poor. I remember when I was little she would save every penny, every extra dollar all year long so that we could have the best Christmas, even when we really didn't have the money.

Every heartache, every boo boo, every hospital trip, she was always there, with her smile that could light up any room. We would always joke, and stay up watching movies every night. We would go to the store together always, and she'd help me dye my hair crazy colors. She was truly my other half and my best friend. I confided in her everything, and even when I didn't want to talk about it, she could cheer me up with just her laugh. She even went to a comic con with me in one of my costumes and pink wig, we did everything together.

However, my parents always had problems throughout their sixteen year marriage. My dad treated my mom horribly. But she always dealt with it because she loved him and she loved us. My dad was a meth addict, and eventually he walked out on our family when I was thirteen, he disappeared for six months. All we knew is he left my mom for a druggie ********. We got death threats on our doorstep and detectives visited our house looking for my dad as his "girlfriend," because she was a highly wanted criminal at the time.

As you can imagine this destroyed my mom. She had moments of weakness where she sobbed in her closet for hours while I held her, but for the most part she stayed the same loving mom that she'd always been and held the fort together for us.

Eventually my dad begged for her back and she took him back. Things were good for a while, but then my dad began mistreating her again.

All along this time my oldest sibling had severe alcohol problems, and suffered from severe bipolar disorder. They were arrested multiple times, crashed their car in a suicide attempt drunk, fell off a balcony and fractured their spine in four places, and was hospitalized in a psych ward twice.

My mom still stayed strong, she was still a super mom,

until,

One day she decided she wanted a divorce from my dad, which we all thought was reasonable and supported her one hundred percent. She was sick of the abuse and knew she deserved better.

But somewhere during the divorce process she lost herself.

I still remember the day she left. It was a normal day like any other, and in the afternoon she mentioned she needed to go to the supermarket and she'd be back soon. So she left. Then night came, and I called her and texted her with no luck. I was worried sick. I began calling everyone asking if anyone had heard from her, but no one had. I called my boyfriend at the time and made him drive me to the supermarket parking lot to look for her car, I thought she had been kidnapped. She was just a petite 100lb blonde, and I was certain something bad had happened to her. But her car wasn't there. The next day my whole family was in a panic. Me and my older sister drove to the starbucks she always went to where the workers recognized her, and asked if they had seen her yesterday and left numbers to call if she came through. We went everywhere asking if anyone had seen her and when 48hrs passed we called the police and reported her a missing person. I was distraught, I couldn't think straight.

A few days later she pulled into the driveway, and came in with a smile, "Hey baby," was the first thing she said to me with a smile, like everything was normal. I asked her where she'd gone, why she disappeared, and she said she just went to hang out with a friend for a few days, but she promised next time she'd let us know and answer her phone. She said she was sorry to make us worry.

I believe that was the first lie she ever told to me.

Next time she left she told me she'd be gone for a few days, but she made me promise that if anyone asked me I had to pretend I didn't know anything. I didn't understand, but I hesitantly agreed. So for three days I had to pretend I had no clue where my mom disappeared to again, which was the hardest three days of my life.

Eventually she stopped telling me when she was leaving, and she left for longer periods and longer periods. When she was gone she wouldn't answer any family phone calls or texts no matter what, even if she was gone for over a month and no one knew where she went. During this time one of my siblings was hospitalized twice severely ill, and the mom that would have always been there was no where to be found. I remember being so embarrassed because my dad had to be at the hospital and he knew no medical history on my sibling whatsoever, and they needed it really bad. Only my mom knew, but she wouldn't answer even after voicemails informing her of the incident. The hospital staff actually got really mad at him for not knowing anything and my mom for not answering. She called maybe a week after the incident in a panic wondering if everything was okay, and apologizing for not answering. She still would not come back though, as she was in another country visiting at the time. This was odd, as she had only been out of the country when she was young, when her dad was stationed in different countries in the military. She didn't like to travel far.

I don't remember when it happened, I just know eventually she came, packed her bags, and left for good. For the first six months she was gone I had no contact with her, we didn't know where she was, she was just gone completely.

Eventually I saw her when she came to get some of her stuff she had left, and I noticed she had began removing all of her tattoos (7) that she loved. She always said she didn't care what anyone thought, she loved her tattoos and wouldn't change them for the world. I couldn't believe she was having them all removed. I found out later this was because of her new boyfriend, he did not believe in tattoos.

Then the next time I saw her was just a picture, and she was wearing a Hijab (the muslim women head covering). She was always a strong Christian her entire life, even though she didn't go to church simply because she never had time, she always stood by christianity. But she was now a converted muslim, because her boyfriend was and made her convert to be with him.

I found out during this time from my grandmother that she began drinking heavily, even though prior she did not drink at all period, or smoke. She was also now a heavy smoker.
She even drank and drove multiple times, crashing her car into a wall once. She was drinking whole bottles by herself, at only 100lbs. She was drinking to die.

There was nothing I could do to help her, and it killed me. She didn't answer any calls or messages, I didn't know where she lived, I was helpless. I became very depressed, and I still feel I am deep in depression.

Now I've seen her three times since she left, and most recently she said she's stopped drinking and smoking. But she had lost 10lbs and did not look well. One of the times I saw her she stayed the night at home for the first time in nearly a year. I slept in her room next to her and we watched youtube videos and movies like old times. We laughed a ton, and for one night I felt my depression subside. Before we went to bed though, I broke down in tears and poured my heart out to her. I told her I've been depressed ever since she left, that I cry almost every night, and I miss her more than anything in the world. That I feel my sunshines been taken away, and the light in my life is gone. She comforted me and said how sorry she was. For one night things seemed normal.

The next day she seemed like she didn't plan to get up and leave, but my sister had fallen sick. So she took her to the doctor, and everything seemed good. I invited my grandmother to come over and visit like old times, so my grandmother came. I wish I never invited her. Eventually my mom and her began fighting, and my mom stormed out the door and got in her car, and she was gone.

I was so upset I jumped in my car and found her at the gas station. We went to a shopping mall for a bit and we talked and laughed. I said I was sorry for the fight. I asked where she would go after this, and she told me a city name for once, but not an address or place. She said she would probably be back tomorrow, and maybe I could come visit her tonight. So I said goodbye, and fought every thing in my body not to cry.

I never got to see her that night, and she never came back.

She's called several times since randomly crying. She says she feels like the worst mom ever and that she's so sorry. I always comfort her, and tell her she's wrong. That she is the best mom, and we always end up laughing. Then I can't get a hold of her again.

I think she reached a mental breaking point in the divorce, and I feel physically ill when I think about how it probably will never be normal again.

My dad has taken care of me and my siblings this entire time, even though my mom was granted 100% custody during the divorce. I have been the main support for my three younger siblings, the youngest being nine. I cannot imagine how they feel in all of this.

I wish I could rewind. I wish I had my bestfriend back. I miss my mom. I don't think I'll ever have her back. I don't think I'll ever know where she lives, or she'll ever start answering my calls or texts regularly.

And I feel so jealous. Jealous of the boyfriend that she's been with mostly this entire time. I don't understand why he wouldn't encourage her to visit her children or talk to them. I'm so jealous that he's taken my bestfriend, and infuriated that he has made her change who she was to be with him. He won't even allow her to wear shorts or skirts.



So I sit here. I feel numb. I feel hopeless. I feel depressed. I feel lost.


Wherever you are tonight in the world mom, I miss you.
TheMostBeautifulBitterFruit TheMostBeautifulBitterFruit
18-21, F
Aug 28, 2014