A Golden End...

She became more of a friend as the years passed; called me her 'fraughter', her friend + daughter. We used to laugh until we cried, gasping for breath. I had to try not to make her laugh for fear of the gasping coughing fits she would have.

See, she was diagnosed with lung cancer a little over a year ago, a month ago they told her that there would be no cure, no remission. The three families of chemo available had no effect on her. She didn't even lose a hair. Radiation didn't help either; another tumor grew on the exact spot they targeted.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving they told her and my father this. The Monday before Thanksgiving she was hopitalized. In the ER with her she told me that she could not go on living like this. She said to me that if there was anything I had to say to her I better say it now.

I was the one present when they asked about her wishes, whether or not she had a DNR in place. My Dad had taken a break from the ER to walk the dog. We spent the week in the hopsital with her. I watched as she grew weaker and weaker. One day able to manage a straw to drink, the next day I had to swab her mouth...

That was the day of my parents 50th wedding anniversary. She was with it enough in the morning to give my father a kiss. By the end of the day, I asked Dad if he had told her it was okay to go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I watched the tears roll down his cheeks as I said, "Daddy, only if you are ready." He must have been, he must of said it, because the following morning we got that phone call we had been waiting for, dreading, and silently hoping for.

I wished that I had told her how much I would miss her; how as much as I didn't want her to go, I couldn't bear to see her suffer. How I knew that she put up a good front to sheild us she loved from what she was going through, like she always had.

Her absence I feel so keenly. Its a sharp pain paired with a dull ache that I keep waiting to subside, but yet cling to because I am not willing to let go of her.

Mom, I love you. I never knew the depth of my love for you until I wasn't able to tell you so.
xoxo
fraughter8 fraughter8
36-40
Dec 4, 2012