Dreaming Of My Dead Mother,why Is She Always Getting High?did She Go To Heaven?

When I was younger my mom was a real party girl.As I grew into a woman,she invited me into that kind of world.Years past and the partying become a bigger thing in my life than anything else.The first time I ever used crack cocaine was with my mother.Later on my life got out of control and there was nothing I could do about it,it was to late!I as well as my mom were crack cocaine addicts.I ended up out on the streets for long periods of time,like 6 months at a time to be clear.I wouldn't have the money to get the drug so I ended up doing bad things to be able to get them so I could get high.I ended up prostituting,or robbing people.I went through alto,and seen alot.There was alot of bad things that happened to me when I was out on those cold empty streets.I seen my mom go through and do the same things.I also had a female cousin that was a part in all of this too.It would make me so mad,and hurt my heart to see my mom out there.I would get embarrassed at times too,like when my mom would end up at some crack house that I was hanging out at .She was doing the same things I was doing but,I didn't want people to see my mother out there like that.It embarrassed me and hurt my feelings.Years later,my mom got very I'll and she had to have her bowls removed.She was fine at first but as a couple years passed by she started losing drastic amounts of weight.She got so bad that she would end up in the hospital for a month or so at a time.While she was going through this I was still out there running around and doing the same things I had been doing.Deep down I knew she was going to die!I also had a child at the time that I would leave with ,y stern father,which never in his life done a drug or even smoked a cig.!Anyways.things ended up pretty bad.I was in and out of prison for long lengths at a time and sometimes I would get clean for a short time and go home to help take care of my mom and child.I would always rel apps.Then my mom got even worse and I got clean a little bit,well off crack and on to something I could function on.....pain  pills.I cared for mom and tried to get my life half *** together.Then one day the Dr. said there was nothing else that they could do for her.She was at 56 lbs. at this point and I just brought her home because that is where she wanted to die.She done ok for the first day,I took her shopping and had to push her in a wheel chair,but she had a nice time.Then the next night she started acting real bad and it is when she went to sleep and would wake back up I knew she was going to pass over.She died that night at 8pm.Since then I have changed my life all the way around!I am in college and just completed this semester with good grades.I am a wonderful mother and I have been clean for about two years now.I know my mom would be so happy and proud of me for overcoming such a hard obstacle in my life.I have been dreaming of my mom and wonder what they mean?My mom is always in my dream wanting dope,buying dope,or doing dope.Now before she died she wasn't doing medication from her Dr.she hadn't used drugs for about a year or so before she died.Anyways I hate having these dreams and wish they would stop!They are more like nightmares to me!I prayed for my mom before she passed over and asked God to except her in Heaven.I'm not sure if my mom ever asked for forgiveness?I hate to think and wonder if she went to Heaven or somewhere else?I know my mother could be a wonderful person and wasn't always so bad.I just ponder the question where she went and if God accepted her or not?At night I ask God to keep those bad dreams away and alot of times that works.I just want to know what it means and why,and where?This hurts me deeply,I would have loved for her to see me now and how great life can be when you are looking through clear eyes for a change.It would have been something beautiful to have done together!!!I love her and love her very much!She would at times get it together and be a great mom.I think I may hold grudges about the things she introduced into my life and the paths she took me down.It made life so much more difficult for me,and I had to fight to get it back.I am now stronger then I have ever been and no one will ever take that from me!Thank you Lord above for showing me the way and making sure I got there.I am going to college for Human Resource.I plan to ba Sub.Abuse coun.and I want to become the light to help those in darkness like I once was

thopson thopson
31-35, F
1 Response May 4, 2010

I am living life to it's fullest now and there is no looking back!Life is to beautiful and short to waste it on dope!