I Got My Own Personal Angel Now

Hmm, where do i begin?...I'm writing this story to maybe hopefully help ease a little pain. my mother passed away on may 13 2010 at the tender young age of 54. she bravely fought for 3 agonizing years with stomach ,liver and esophageal cancer. it was the absolute worst thing that any child should have to sit and watch your mother struggle to take her last breath..i cant get that image outta my head!..i get SO mad, then sad, mad again...WHY!!!!!!!!!.WHY!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my family has been through the worst with all this death for the last 4yrs...i had a grandfather, grandmother, 6yr old nephew [leukemia], uncle, great aunt and now my mom..boy i tell ya i never worn a suite so much in my life..i was the pallbearer for almost all of those funerals too...i try to hide my emotions and then let them out when I'm alone but it has been really hard lately too..i know my wife is always there to listen, but its not the same. i don't want my wife and kids to see me like this. my 6yr old son cry when he sees his "strong" daddy cry and it tears my heart out. thing is my mom gave all the grand kids a special gift for Christmas, it is a "build-a-bear" with a voice recorder in the hand with a message from her..i wanna hear her voice sooo bad, but i know i wont be able to "bear it"..lol...sorry.....i can hear it in my head..i close my eyes i see that infectious smile of hers..i have alotta my mothers traits that I'm soo thankful for..her compassion for other ppl, her humor, her wit, her heart ! and most importantly her love of life.. i live for today and not tomorrow and that how she taught me to live..my dad disagrees..lol..mainly cuz she wouldn't pay the bills tomorrow and instead go to bingo tonight...lol.... my heart really breaks for my dad !!..he and my mom have been high school sweethearts for 35 yrs, that's the only woman he has only known.. just like me and my wife...my dad is a tough person to figure out, lol, just like me..we hide alott of emotions.. that's why i know its killing him to live in the house she passed away in..that was her wish....like a persons story i just read on here..its like watching a beautiful flower wilt away.. she was soo vibrant full of energy, cheerful, never let the little things in life ruin her day..and believe me i have 3 sisters and boy-oboy did we argue. thing is i feel like i lost my mom 3 yrs ago, not 3 weeks ago....it took soooooooooo much for me to go visit her when she was sick..cuz i didn't want to see her like that wilted flower.. i want to remember her "healthy smile". those beautiful thoughts and gestures she showed us all..here is the part that really bothers me..my mom wasn't the huggy kissy type mom..she just wasn't raised that way...the last 2-3 weeks of her precious life the doctors basically told us "this is it" be prepared for the end..well it was on mothers day that we went to the hospital to see her.. very hard to do. and my dad wanted us to read her the cards we got her out loud...she stopped every one of us and said " why yinz crying?, I'm gonna be OK"..but she wasn't...i said my goodbyes that day and also the day she passed...BUT she was soo out of it both days that she never said goodbye to me she didnt even have that "moment" when you wish she would tell some old family secret.....even all the weeks b4, i just wanted to hear her tell me something, anything..instead i pretended that it would all go away and we would act like it never happened...i know she didn't want to come to terms with what the outcome was gonna be.she was so scared. but she never said that to me. i just seen it in her face..wouldn't we all be scared of the unknown...i like to think that there is a heaven...BUT WHAT IF??....so anywhooo, thank you for reading my experience and god bless you all............PS. i am my dads #1 fan and will always be there for him......but who will be there for me?. if i gotta be there for everyone else?..i wanna help my dad keep his mind off the sadness, but i have a family too that needs me. i don't want my wife resenting me cuz all the free time i have is being spent with my dad. but i don't want him to feel like he is all by himself.....there isn't enough time to please everyone.. sometimes it is necessary to escape it all and be that troll under the bridge..lol.. i guess its good i found a site like this so i can lay it all out and not care how i am judged.....i know my wife will always be there to listen and lean on and i love her more than ever before, but  i have to be strong for my family and not show them that i'm barely functioning. its like life is on autopilot. .......i guess we all got our problems in life some r more tragic than others but they are all important...............LIFE WILL GO ON.......................MISS YOU MOM FOREVER.............MAMA SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS LIKE THIS. by van Morrison.... i try to listen to it every day.. we played that at her funeral..great song!
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3 Responses Jun 4, 2010

I too watched my mum take her last breath in her 55 years on 13 May 2010 :( But you are right, and I think we both have personal angels now.

Ahh, it's still so raw and painful, I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful man trying so hard to be the best you know how to be. Your mom raised a good son. That's the best tribute she can have. I'm sure she is with you in spirit, watching over you, loving you. <br />
Your dad is lucky to have such a caring, loving son. Also a tribute to him. Yes, I agree with Sharossody, he will need time alone to process, cry, adjust, remember and grieve. So don't feel bad when you are with your family, or alone. You need the same. Tell your wife when you need this time, she sounds like a lovely woman, she'll understand. Your children will not suffer for seeing their dad cry. It is not easy for them, but it tells them that it is okay to love and be sad, and big boys DO cry, and it's right and good. <br />
Don't allow anyone to tell you that it's time to stop grieving and put it all behind you. You do what you need to do to come to terms with this. It is different for everyone. You need to go through all the normal steps of grief. You may re-visit many of them over and over. It's fine. If you aren't coping, seek help from someone that makes sense to you. Don't try to "man-up" and sweep it under the carpet. That's unhealthy and will backfire.<br />
I wish you comfort, strength, love and wonderful memories that you can laugh at, be comforted by and bask in the joy of. Blessings to you and your family X@

I am so sorry for your loss, but I loved your post. You painted yourself as a very loving son, husband and father. It may sound trite to you now but you are doing all the right things... grief for everyone is different, we just have to ride it out as best we can. You are going through denial and anger now, WHY you ask, Why did this happen Why did you leave us.. I have asked this question for the last 11 years after the loss of my beloved son after a car accident. That question is never answered.<br />
Yes do all these things with your dad, but remember that he will be missing his wife too, and he may need to be by himself sometimes so he can grief as well.<br />
I have a blog on "MY WISH LIST FOR GRIEVING PARENTS", perhaps you may visit it at sometime.<br />
My thoughts are with you and yours...S