Its Been Almost 10 Years . . . . Almost Half My Life Without Her . . .

My mom died almost 10 years ago...I was 13. I've lived almost half my life without her, and it hurts to think that I'll live the majority of my life without her. When I think of all the things I have and will go through that she won't be here to see/share with me, I break down. I miss her so much! And she's already missed so much...and I know the list will just continue to grow until the day I die, and it hurts. But what hurts more, is I know one day, I'll have to share the story with my daughter of why she isn't here, and I just don't know if I can do that. I want my daughter to think of her grandmother as a good person....but she wasn't really. She did some bad things in her life...really bad things. To herself and to others...but she was my mom....and I love her no matter how much she has hurt us (my family). I just wish sometimes that I had some good things to think about when I miss her....but there's not many....maybe 1...but no matter how bad things were...I think this is worse. Even though I know she's better off where she is, and we probably are too, sometimes the pain is overwhelming. And it sucks not having anyone to talk to about it....my dad won't talk about her at all...one of my brother's is deployed...and the other one wasn't around when she died...so I really have no one to talk to....no one that understands that, even after nearly 10 years, its still a fresh wound at times. I was sitting here perfectly fine not...30 minutes ago, listening to music and playing games...and a song came on....a simple song....and I just broke down in tears....as if I was looking at her laying in her casket like I saw at her funeral......for some reason its just an image I can't get out of my head, even after all this time. I used to think with time, it might get easier...but it doesn't....every time I think about her, its like losing her all over again. And I just replay that day over and over in my head......and there's so many questions I want answered that never will be answered....and I think those unanswered questions just make things worse. I'm sorry, I have to stop here...I'll continue on another day perhaps....just needed to vent a little bit...thank you for taking time to listen to me (well, read my words anyway)
leighshinoda leighshinoda
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 20, 2010

one day you will have children so an album would be lovely <br />
and remember our parents are only human they make their mistakes as well.it so cherish the memories u have of her.when i feel alone i sometimes go in to a church because thats where my mother loved.i feel close to her then ill always miss her but i know shes in a place where she is well looked after.so take care and remember she wants u to be happy

Your doing the right thing, writing down your thoughts, and you do have someone you can talk too and we are here for you when ever you want to 'vent'.<br />
My mother went to God 23 yrs ago, and I still have her vision in my mind too... I put it down, to the fact my mother had asthma and had always sat up straight.<br />
For your children, why not start an album of photoes you have of your mum. you can show them and add stories to each.