My Beautiful Mum

My mother died suddenly in March from a stroke. It was instant and so was the pain that I now carry around with me constantly. I don't understand how she can be gone as she was so healthy and full of life. I miss her so much and wish I could tell her how much she means to me. I feel so empty without her and life feels so worthless and I am struggling to comprehend that she is gone forever.I now face a life without her, alone. She was an inspiration to me and I didn't even know it. I dont want her to be a memory, I want her here with me and I know this isn't  going to happen. My relationship with her was strainedover the past few years  due to family issues and I always doubted her love for me. I would love to have one more day out with her and see her smile and hear her voice once more. I don't know how to carry on without her but I know I will. I just hope there's a heaven and that I will see her once again. I have a void in my soul that can never be filled.
 

lellesbelle lellesbelle
46-50, F
10 Responses Jul 25, 2010

it's coming up to the three year mark on Friday.
I miss her and think of her often.
She would love little Lucy, her great grandchild.
9 months since she was born.
Sent from heaven and brought down by angels.
I still can't believe you're gone.
I miss your humor, your smile and your beautiful face.
I have such a void now in my life
I know life moves on
I miss you mum

It's now coming up to the second year since you passed away so suddenly. I still don't know how it happened really. You were so healthy. I have been through so many ups and downs coming to erms with you being gone. <br />
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I wish you were here to celebrate the news that you are going to be a Great Grandmother in June. I know you would have been sooo happy and full of joy. I feel like I need you more than ever. To share things with. I love you so much mum.

It's fast approaching the 1st March which means it's been a year since I lost you mum. I don't know how it has gone so fast. I wouldn't want to go back a year and experience all that pain again. I'm at a different point in my grief. I know this is going to be a long, ongoing journey without you and the road is going to be tough.<br />
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Just having a bad day. I miss her sooo much.

Thankyou Underconstruction for your comments. I feel for the loss of your mother- roughly the same time as me. Nearly a year now. Certain music makes me feel close to her too and brings about so many emotions but I find it comforting in a way- I think it gives me the space to feel really connected to her and my feelings.<br />
I hope they are in a peaceful place too.<br />
<br />
x

It's been a while since I wrote on this. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions. I miss her presence sooo much. It comes in waves. I think I've blocked out what happened that day. I tried so hard to be happy at Christmas and the New Year. I find it difficult to look forward knowing I wont see your beautiful face in my life. I miss your sense of humour, your warmth and your phone calls. I just miss you mum.

Hi there 3 silvermoons.<br />
Thanks for your feedback.<br />
I will look out for the book, 'motherless daughters.' <br />
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Well an update....my 40th birthday came and went. I felt empty that day and really didn't want to celebrate, so I didn't.I just missed her calls leading up to it asking me what i was planning and what i wanted. I missed seeing her on that day and feeling her presence. <br />
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I had my holidays too and that's when it really hit me. 6 weeks off ( I work in a school).....5 weeks in and It suddenly, out of the blue, dawned on me that I was du e back to work a week later and that I wasn't going to see her. It was an awful realisation and the sense of loss was great.<br />
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Its been 6 months since she passed. I still find it hard to believe shes gone. I miss her so much and sometimes I think was she real. I guess thats part of the grief, I don;t know. <br />
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Hope your birthday went well and wasnt too painful.

I know what you mean about all this life ahead and she's not in it... when you feel up for it, I posted something on my page (the night I joined on here desperate to express it) that kind of speaks to that theme. I'm 39 and even though it was 27 when my mother suddenly died (12 years ago), I still find myself at a loss sometimes in life, like I wish I had her here to consult or talk to, or watch as an example... and just to have in my life period. Sigh...<br />
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I've suggested this to others-- but if you haven't yet taken a look at the book "Motherless Daughters", I have found it helpful through the years to open up and pick through. It was written by a woman who lost her mother when she was really young, and started as a collection of stories from women who lost their mothers as children/teens... but the author was inundated with letters from women of all ages who had lost their mothers at various ages... and so the book speaks really to any woman who feels orphaned by the loss of her mother. I know I still do. <br />
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Hang in there on your birthday, if it's still coming. My birthday is always kind of hard still... afterall, it is the day they gave birth to us and that physical connection is severed when they die. So, it makes sense that it's hard on our birthdays. Every year, starting with my birthday in April, I start to notice symptoms of emotional upset... followed by Mother's Day and her birthday in mid-May, and then the anniversary of her death June 2nd. That whole period of each year ends up being hard in some way, at some point (or several), and usually not in ways I anticipated. Still, to this day. So, I understand... sending you soothing thoughts. Take care.

Thankyou Sharossody and 3silvermoons for your comments. You don't know what you've got until it's gone for sure. I always saw her as a healthy vibrant woman. and the only comfort I get is the fact that it was instant and that she didn't have to live with the after effects of a stroke victim. I just find it difficult that the last few years had been strained and that we had so many good times to come and so many memories to make.<br />
You're right silvermoon, It is so difficult to comprehend that, one minute she was here and the next she wasn't. No illness, no time to say your goobyes or deal with what would be.<br />
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My heart feels broken.<br />
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I am 40 in a few weeks and celebrating it just doesn't feel right. I've been to one family social event and that was hard for me. I just can't believe I have all this life ahead of me and she's not in it.

I understand... my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly, too, about 12 years ago. She was relativelly young-- 56, and healthy. What you say is a lot like how I felt right after my mother died... I felt like there was this black hole right through the center of me that was just empty and gone, I didn't want memories, I wanted her there. It's so incomprehensible when someone close to you dies suddenly like that. One minute they're there, as we have always known, and the next minute, just gone. There's no way to really understand it or accept it at first. Nothing anyone says helps. Nobody and nothing can change this reality of grief. What I can say is that eventually, it won't be this hard. You'll always miss her-- ALWAYS, and there will always be days that are just particularly hard for some reason, and moments when you're struck by a memory or something that just makes you cry, and the big events in life will be missing her... but, it won't always be as hard as it is right now. Just hang in there, as torturous as it is, knowing it won't always feel like this. Talk to someone when you need to talk-- even if it's a therapist, or several friends/family at different times. Write a journal, so the things that soothe you and comfort you when you need that... and surround yourself as much as you can with people who are supportive of you and care for you in the ways you need-- let people be there and help.<br />
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You'll always remember her and love and miss her... she was just that big in your life. Hang in there...

I'm so sorry for you, we never know what we had until it's gone right? I lost my mum 23 years ago, and some days I feel just as you are. Something comes up that you would like to discuss with her and then you are back in that black hole again. It , the feelings, do fade in time, but keep your happy memories close and you will get through.