She Took So Much Away

my grandma is my real mom, she took me in, and raised me the best she could, in the horrible abuse...and at her age... i love her more than anyone. but i cant help but miss my birth mom. i feel bad 4 that.

off and on all my life, until i was 14, she came in and out of my life, coming, dropping me off at random places without telling me i was being thrown out (started before i could speak, so it wasnt like i was doing drugs)... simply when she was tired of me, or if her current man didnt like her having a kid, she'd dump me off. so my grandma took me in. and my grandma is whom call mom... and i cant let her know i miss my birth mother.
im not sure why i do, to be honest.

then at 14 i got an email :| saying she never wanted to see me again. among other things.

i begged.

on deaf ears. my grandma knew i hurt, but i could never tell her how much. i dont know why this woman means so much to me. i want us to be like the gilmore girls...corny yes. but true. i was obsessed with that for years.

when i was 21 she called me. wanted to see me. she has another kid shes kept now. i saw her.

and then got another email.

i was 14 all over again.

helpless. the woman who gave birth to me not only didnt want me but she tried to be around me, and yet, for some reason, never could stand me. i was always trhown away like trash. i tried so hard to be a good daughter. her friend.

i guess, i really miss, what we could have had.

and i guess, i hate her at the same time because my MOTHER (grandma) is almost 73, and im only 22. and i know she will leave before she should... and i hate my birth mother for making me lose my REAL mother. i hate that she made it so my REAL mom will not get to see me at 40.

i miss my REAL mom, and she's not even really gone yet. i love my REAL mom more than anything. and i miss her... i dont know if i can live without her.
TheUsedMisfit TheUsedMisfit
22-25, F
Jul 27, 2010