I Hate Cancer

I am only 20, and my mom died three weeks ago. She just stopped breathing due to her stage 4 gallbladder cancer spreading to the lungs.
She was reacting so well to chemo -- 9 rounds of chemo. She took a month break and the cancer started spreading. She was the most optimistic person you'd ever meet with this cancer. She of course had her days of doubt, but I was her shoulder. My mom pretty much raised us three kids, with me being the youngest. My dad just brought home money, but my mom was a hard-working occupational therapist, too. My dad is foreign, and doesn't understand most of our American culture. My mom knew all my secrets, supported me on everything, gave me advice, and now she won't be able to see me turn 21, graduate college, get married, have kids, be a grandma...etc. She wanted to see these things so badly, and I wanted her to see these, too. I still do things and think, "Oh I have to call mom and tell her!" but I can't. I feel like I can't talk to a lot of people and I keep having horrible images in my head of the last couple days.
We never knew this would happen. She was supposed to come home on the day she passed away. She was in the hospital, and my dad had just left. She told my dad, "it's okay, you can go back to the office. I'll be here" She wasn't there when he came back.
I miss her terribly. Why do other people get to have moms? Why can't I grow old with my mom and go shopping on Sundays? Why can't she cry at my wedding and hold my hand when I have my first baby? It's not fair...
jaiyla jaiyla
18-21
2 Responses Jul 28, 2010

Wow this situation is almost identical to my own. I was 20 when my mom died of a very rare form of cancer. I was lucky that I went to college close to home and I spent many long days with her in the hospital once she was admitted. I saw her code right in front of me, which is something that has changed me forever. I had a lot on my plate at the time, I had to take care of her, my brother and still submit all my school work in a very demanding and competitive major (I'm an occupational therapy student). When she died I was devastated my relationship deteriorated with my father and my boyfriend cheated on me. Its been almost three years and I don't miss her any less and i'm still feeling just as overwhelmed with responsibilities but I am proud of all that i've accomplished and survived. If I did it I have faith you can do it too!

I feel the same way. My mom died about four months ago, and I just turned 16 a month ago. My mom died of cancer as well. She was also very brave and optimistic. I miss her so much. I see my friends being mean to their moms, and it just kills me cus they don't know how it feels to not have a mom anymore. I hope you're doing as best as you can. I guess sometimes certain people are luckier than others...