Almost Three Years Later And It Still Hurts...

Throughout my whole life my father has always been one to easily fly of the handle and become both verbally and physically abusive to my mother, my brother and myself. The first memory I have of him is him slapping me across the face and then bringing me to his office and trying to get me to call one of his co workers whom he was sleeping with "Mommy." He would break anything that was important to me toys when I was little, electronics when I was a teen whenever he was mad at me and then call me fat (I was anorexic) or a c*nt. He would constantly "be at the bar with his friends" and not come home until very late that night. It broke my heart whenever I saw my mother calling him and asking where he was and when he was going to come home. When I was a freshmen in college my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and died 9 months later. I was the one who would miss class and sit with her long days in the hospital and I was the one who saw her code and slip into unconsciousness. During the week that she was admitted to the hospital my father would not allow my 16 year old brother to see my mother and I regret that he did not get that sense of closure with her and that I did not step up and fight for him when he needed it. When my mother was down in the ICU my father banned me from seeing her and sent me back to my college apt and only called me to come back after he took her off of life support. Not even a week after the funeral he was ******* one of his coworkers... soon he started dating a rich woman who lived an hour away from our town. Needless to say our relationship deteriorated rapidly... One day I was sitting in my dorm door and my father called and said he wanted to drop something off. I went down to go let him into my dorm and I couldn't find him. I went back to my room and there he was with his girlfriend. I didn't say much and just waited for them to leave... later I got a screaming phone call about how much of a c*nt I was and that i'd "live to regret this." Needless to say when sophomore year ended I never moved home during the summer... I spent the next few years jumping from apt to apt living off of what little I had and working long hours so that I could pay bills that kept pilling up. Every so often I would get a screaming phone call about how awful of a daughter I was. I was kicked out of the house and not allowed in to get any of my things. This past mothers day I received a snotty and condescending letter from his girlfriend. I couldn't believe he would violate my privacy and give away my address like that let alone not give me a heads up... A couple, two of my moms good friends "adopted me" (I go over there for holidays and they give me some much needed emotional support). The other day one of them called me to go out of happy our because she had a bad day. We fell on the subject of what an awful person my estranged father was and she reviled something I suspected for awhile but couldn't prove. She told me he had had a string of girlfriends while married my mother and one of them was her wife's best friend's sister. She told me that her partner had wanted to tell me for awhile but couldn't bring herself to risk traumatize me any further. I always knew my father hated this friend of my mother and her partner told me it was because my father had been at a holiday party with this gf and saw her with my moms friend and from then on didn't allow my mother to have her at our house. My father also had another girlfriend whom he shared an apt with. He had told her he was estranged from my mother and was going to get a divorce. He proposed to her and she even went as far as buying a wedding dress. Now i know where my father was all those times he missed my birthday because of "business." Sometimes I think cops are the most violent and corrupt people of all. I feel like my whole childhood was nothing but a big lie.

Most of all I feel so bad for my mother who was so blind to this. My father was always such an excellent liar and she just wanted to keep the family together. I wish she could have found the man that she deserved and that made her happy. I miss her everyday and whenever my estranged father gets down on me its always her I want to turn to for comfort but I can't. She was the most wonderful and caring person who would always do anything for anyone asking little if nothing in return. I still remember the touch of her hand in the hospital all those hours I held it and she told me how much she loved me. I just wish I could retrieve her urn from my estranged fathers house because I just don't feel right about it being there. I hope wherever she is that she is happy and no longer hurting. I love her so much and she deserved so much more than she got out of life. I regret every fight we had and wish I could just go back in time and just have one more day with her.
NewspaperTragedy NewspaperTragedy
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 13, 2010

I cried when I read this, hun...I really thought my situation was messed up but reading yours..I really feel dor you..What I fell for you most about is that you could not retrieve the urn and you could not return to collect your things...Hun, my situation is NOT as bad as yours, let's be honest here, but I still had a lot to go through and a lot to fight......The thing is, I turned to God for help...He helped me..and though your earth-daddy hasn't been much of a father to you, he'll be your father..Turn to God......he wil lhelp you .Try it just once. I'll pray for you, love. Take care......<br />
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ADM.